How To Be A Complete Pussy After A Breakup

We've all been at that point where someone dumps you and you feel worse than dog shit.  Getting angry, depressed, or even a little crazy is acceptable.  But the one thing you should never do is be a complete pussy after a breakup.  Why? Because no one is ever going to look back and say "yea, they took the breakup really well, it made me like them more."  To avoid looking like a total asshole, don't say any of these after someone gives you the old "See you never" speech.


I hope everything works out for you: Bitch, that person just broke up with you, don't wish them the best.  Wish for them to get herpes.  If the place you worked at for 4 years fired you, would you want them to become a multimillion dollar company over the next year without you? Didn't think so.

I'm glad to have met you: Really, you're glad someone just took an emotional shit on you? Yea I'm sure you had some good times but unless this person got you a sick job or introduced you to the person you're gonna marry, you shouldn't be happy you met them right after a breakup.  Maybe get with their best friend a few months down the road then say it...revenge is a dish best served sarcastically.

I hope we can still be friends: Why? So you can see them live happily ever after without you? Because if you stick around to watch, that's most likely what you'll see.  Either them moving on with someone who's better than you (which sucks) or someone who's worse than you (which also sucks, because they still don't want you).  And don't fall for it if they person breaking up with you says they still want to be friends. Telling someone you're dumping them but still want to stay friends is basically code for "I don't really like you but if I'm ever desperate for some play I still want the option to fuck you."