A criminal?
http://www.rotoworld.com/player/nfl/6610/kenrick-ellis
Kenrick Ellis is facing felony assault charges and could end up in jail. A lot of guys in the NFL go to jail then come back and play. The only problem is he can go to jail for 20 years, which would mean that he'll never play in the NFL. I chuckled a little bit when I saw this, but hey at least they didn't draft another 5'9 wide receiver like my team did.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
By Far The Best Pregnancy Announcement You'll Ever See
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aejjpY-yYzg&feature=player_embedded
This video is hysterical. I'll bet that you can't sit there and not laugh at this. Easily wins Video Of The Month.
This video is hysterical. I'll bet that you can't sit there and not laugh at this. Easily wins Video Of The Month.
Ladies: Your Birthday Is Only One Day, Not One Week
I know I wrote something about the girls wearing those dumb ass tiara’s on their birthday, but this will concern the so called “birthday weekend”. The only time that it can be considered your birthday weekend is when you turn 21. That is the only exception, mainly because 21 is like the only birthday that matters. So if you are not turning 21, it is not your birthday weekend.
I bring this up because I was at a party last night and the last thing I remember before waking up on my lawn was that a girl, who happened to be a moose, was walking around in a stupid tiara telling everyone it was her birthday. Of course, I had to call her bluff. I asked, “Is it really your birthday?” She responded with, “We’ll my birthday was Wednesday, but I’m celebrating my birthday weekend.” I then asked her how old she was and she told me that she was 20.
This is not acceptable. First of all, your birthday was on Wednesday and it is now Friday. You can’t continue celebrating your 20th birthday, which happened to be on Wednesday; on a Friday night in someone’s house that no one knows who you are. Also, as I stated earlier, she was a moose. People don’t like unknown wild life roaming around their house. You need to recognize that and leave immediately.
Of course this girl starts pouring shots of tequila in the kitchen for her and her friends thinking she’s such a bad ass and making herself the center of attention. This also ended with her friends needing to call Triple A to tow her fat ass out of the house because there weren’t enough people to carry her. Nice job girl, you did a great job of looking classy.
Let this be a lesson to all you ladies who turn your birthday into a broadway production. Unless you’re 21, it’s not your birthday week or weekend. It is your birth DAY. It’s best you deal with that now rather than three years down the road.
I bring this up because I was at a party last night and the last thing I remember before waking up on my lawn was that a girl, who happened to be a moose, was walking around in a stupid tiara telling everyone it was her birthday. Of course, I had to call her bluff. I asked, “Is it really your birthday?” She responded with, “We’ll my birthday was Wednesday, but I’m celebrating my birthday weekend.” I then asked her how old she was and she told me that she was 20.
This is not acceptable. First of all, your birthday was on Wednesday and it is now Friday. You can’t continue celebrating your 20th birthday, which happened to be on Wednesday; on a Friday night in someone’s house that no one knows who you are. Also, as I stated earlier, she was a moose. People don’t like unknown wild life roaming around their house. You need to recognize that and leave immediately.
Of course this girl starts pouring shots of tequila in the kitchen for her and her friends thinking she’s such a bad ass and making herself the center of attention. This also ended with her friends needing to call Triple A to tow her fat ass out of the house because there weren’t enough people to carry her. Nice job girl, you did a great job of looking classy.
Let this be a lesson to all you ladies who turn your birthday into a broadway production. Unless you’re 21, it’s not your birthday week or weekend. It is your birth DAY. It’s best you deal with that now rather than three years down the road.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Highlight Feature Of The Day: If She’s Texting You, It’s For A Reason
So today my highlight feature is going back on men and women issues because that was the first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning. Anyway, this deals with girls who text guys that they haven’t spoken to in a while. I’m not talking about someone who you were close friends with and suddenly stopped hanging out. I’m talking about someone who you used to hook up with and on a random night has texted you out of nowhere. Needless to say, it’s no accident.
The first reason she probably texted you is because you were probably good in bed, and she hasn’t gotten any in a while. She also knows that you will answer the text and try and hang out with her. That’s where her plan falls into place. You see her out, you’re both drunk, and next thing you know you two are back at your place ripping each other’s clothes off.
Another reason she has probably texted you is because you two didn’t end on bad terms, but she found out you’re now talking to someone else and she’s jealous. She’s texting you trying to make you think a little bit and second guess the girl you are currently talking to. If all goes according to plan, you speak at the bar for a span of two minutes. Then at the end of the night she texts you asking you to come over and you find your way there. Her plan the whole time was to get you back at her place without other people knowing about it. That way your roommates don’t find out and it’s just a little secret between the two of you.
Finally, she could just be texting you for a late night booty call. In this case you will receive the text between the time frame of 1:45 and 3am. She’s probably drunk, she knows you’re probably drunk, and you were the first person that popped into her head. She texts you, and there’s your booty call. It’s a done deal.
The first reason she probably texted you is because you were probably good in bed, and she hasn’t gotten any in a while. She also knows that you will answer the text and try and hang out with her. That’s where her plan falls into place. You see her out, you’re both drunk, and next thing you know you two are back at your place ripping each other’s clothes off.
Another reason she has probably texted you is because you two didn’t end on bad terms, but she found out you’re now talking to someone else and she’s jealous. She’s texting you trying to make you think a little bit and second guess the girl you are currently talking to. If all goes according to plan, you speak at the bar for a span of two minutes. Then at the end of the night she texts you asking you to come over and you find your way there. Her plan the whole time was to get you back at her place without other people knowing about it. That way your roommates don’t find out and it’s just a little secret between the two of you.
Finally, she could just be texting you for a late night booty call. In this case you will receive the text between the time frame of 1:45 and 3am. She’s probably drunk, she knows you’re probably drunk, and you were the first person that popped into her head. She texts you, and there’s your booty call. It’s a done deal.
Who Gives A Rat's Ass?
http://abcnews.go.com/International/Royal_Wedding/glitch-royal-wedding-fallen-horse/story?id=13481326
I tried very hard to stay away from it, I really did. But this news story in the link up top put me over the fucking edge. Can I ask who gives a fuck about the Royal Wedding? What effect does this have on your every day life that you actually give two shits about it? It has none, so stop talking about it. The Royal Wedding is more insignificant in America than hockey in the middle east. And the fucking case cracker, the link up top. "The only glitch in the Royal Wedding was a fallen horse during the parade". Who gives a shit about a horse falling down during their wedding parade?! Enough with this, I'm sick of hearing about it. A news story about a horse falling down. You have to be shitting me. How about you give us a news story about why one gallon of gas costs more than a meal in New York City? Ever think of that idea, talking about something significant? No, we talk about shit happening in other countries and don't stop talking about it for at least three months.
I tried very hard to stay away from it, I really did. But this news story in the link up top put me over the fucking edge. Can I ask who gives a fuck about the Royal Wedding? What effect does this have on your every day life that you actually give two shits about it? It has none, so stop talking about it. The Royal Wedding is more insignificant in America than hockey in the middle east. And the fucking case cracker, the link up top. "The only glitch in the Royal Wedding was a fallen horse during the parade". Who gives a shit about a horse falling down during their wedding parade?! Enough with this, I'm sick of hearing about it. A news story about a horse falling down. You have to be shitting me. How about you give us a news story about why one gallon of gas costs more than a meal in New York City? Ever think of that idea, talking about something significant? No, we talk about shit happening in other countries and don't stop talking about it for at least three months.
Giants and Jets First Round Picks
I'll start with the Jets...
Muhammad Wilkerson DE Temple
This is a good pick for the Jets. Ellis is getting old and now this kid can come in and play right away. He's a 3-4 Defensive End who can rush the passer as well as stuff the run. I hate the Jets, but they made a good pick.
Now to the Giants...
Prince Amukamara CB Nebraska
Jerry Reese did what he normally does and took the best available overall player. This is a good pick because the Giants secondary couldn't cover receivers in a phone booth last season. I also like the pick because I would rather stick needles through my eyes than watch Aaron Ross play the nickel. Nice job, now please get an Offensive Lineman and a Linebacker who does more than play special teams.
Muhammad Wilkerson DE Temple
This is a good pick for the Jets. Ellis is getting old and now this kid can come in and play right away. He's a 3-4 Defensive End who can rush the passer as well as stuff the run. I hate the Jets, but they made a good pick.
Now to the Giants...
Prince Amukamara CB Nebraska
Jerry Reese did what he normally does and took the best available overall player. This is a good pick because the Giants secondary couldn't cover receivers in a phone booth last season. I also like the pick because I would rather stick needles through my eyes than watch Aaron Ross play the nickel. Nice job, now please get an Offensive Lineman and a Linebacker who does more than play special teams.
Asshole Of The Day Award
http://blogs.miaminewtimes.com/riptide/2011/04/woman_busted_for_buying_prosti.php
How many things have you done wrong in your life that at 81 years old you ask your daughter to buy you a hooker for $20? First off, you're not getting a hooker for $20 anywhere. Second, the fact that you're making your daughter try and buy a hooker for you might be the most pathetic story I have ever heard. Besides, I didn't even know men could still get it up at 81 years old. That's an accomplishment in itself. Too bad he'll only be getting it up for anal dwelling while he's in jail. At 81, you can't even run away from the dudes in the shower, you just have to sit there and take it. That sucks...
How many things have you done wrong in your life that at 81 years old you ask your daughter to buy you a hooker for $20? First off, you're not getting a hooker for $20 anywhere. Second, the fact that you're making your daughter try and buy a hooker for you might be the most pathetic story I have ever heard. Besides, I didn't even know men could still get it up at 81 years old. That's an accomplishment in itself. Too bad he'll only be getting it up for anal dwelling while he's in jail. At 81, you can't even run away from the dudes in the shower, you just have to sit there and take it. That sucks...
Thursday, April 28, 2011
A Message To College Seniors
This is for all college seniors out there who are entering their final two weeks of school. For some, finals are next week and this is the last real weekend to party with everyone at the school. You'll still have plenty of time to party with your fellow seniors next week, but for everyone else you know, this is it. Stop complaining that you're not a fan of a certain place, or that you go there too much. Tonight is basically your final Thursday night as a college student, why wouldn't you want to go out with a bang?
Senior Week is not your last time to party as a college student, Senior Week is limbo before the real world. If you need one week before you graduate to say that you partied hard at college, then you did something wrong along the way. Your last real time to party as a college student is probably tonight. Make the best of it and go out. Don't complain, get hammered, and have a good time. End it on a high note. Let's fucking rage!
Senior Week is not your last time to party as a college student, Senior Week is limbo before the real world. If you need one week before you graduate to say that you partied hard at college, then you did something wrong along the way. Your last real time to party as a college student is probably tonight. Make the best of it and go out. Don't complain, get hammered, and have a good time. End it on a high note. Let's fucking rage!
Pre Game Song Of The Weekend
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1Nuy6ljAN8
It's an old one, but it's a good one. Dedicated to Johnny Baseball, that crazy Australian named Carl and Mr. Boragi who's been making keys dance since 2008. Anyway, this should be used as your first song of the pre game. It's going to get you in the zone to get ready to go for your night out. Follow this up with some J-Lo and Pittbull Dance The Night Away and you're ready for a night of raging. Get it going for the weekend everyone.
It's an old one, but it's a good one. Dedicated to Johnny Baseball, that crazy Australian named Carl and Mr. Boragi who's been making keys dance since 2008. Anyway, this should be used as your first song of the pre game. It's going to get you in the zone to get ready to go for your night out. Follow this up with some J-Lo and Pittbull Dance The Night Away and you're ready for a night of raging. Get it going for the weekend everyone.
Video Of The Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFi7C8gCyQs
This guy is such a little girl. He's scared shitless of an elephant trunk. Like how are you that scared that you're screaming like a woman yelling bloody murder? Get real guy, it's a fucking elephant trunk, there's no need for this. Stop drawing attention to yourself because I would highly doubt that you'll be getting laid any time soon after women see this.
This guy is such a little girl. He's scared shitless of an elephant trunk. Like how are you that scared that you're screaming like a woman yelling bloody murder? Get real guy, it's a fucking elephant trunk, there's no need for this. Stop drawing attention to yourself because I would highly doubt that you'll be getting laid any time soon after women see this.
Highlight Feature Of The Day:The Classroom Asshole
I’ve decided to take my topic for today off of men and women issues and instead talk about that person we all know as the Classroom Asshole. Whether it’s high school, college or even middle school; everyone has at least one Classroom Asshole. So why does everyone hate this person so much?
First of all, this person will have a comment about everything and anything that goes on in the class. They’ll always be the first person to raise their hand and they will always be the first to think they are superior to everyone else in the class. Meanwhile, when they present their own shit to everyone, it absolutely blows.
The next reason we all hate the Classroom Asshole is because usually the Classroom Asshole keeps the rest of the class from leaving early. You sit there and wonder why this person doesn’t realize that if you just sit there and shut up, the class ends quicker. Of course the teacher or professor is going to ask if anyone has any questions; that’s because they’re out of shit to talk about and they’re ready to send everyone home. Just shut the fuck up so everyone can leave.
Finally, this also happens to be a person who you can’t stand listening to speak. They probably have some form of speech impediment, but they also think that they’re the smartest person in the room. They love listening to themselves talk and you just want nothing more than to light this person on fire.
There you have it, the reasons that we all hate the Classroom Asshole. If you happen to know one of these people, then you know I am spot on with my description and reasons that we all hate them. Any other questions?
First of all, this person will have a comment about everything and anything that goes on in the class. They’ll always be the first person to raise their hand and they will always be the first to think they are superior to everyone else in the class. Meanwhile, when they present their own shit to everyone, it absolutely blows.
The next reason we all hate the Classroom Asshole is because usually the Classroom Asshole keeps the rest of the class from leaving early. You sit there and wonder why this person doesn’t realize that if you just sit there and shut up, the class ends quicker. Of course the teacher or professor is going to ask if anyone has any questions; that’s because they’re out of shit to talk about and they’re ready to send everyone home. Just shut the fuck up so everyone can leave.
Finally, this also happens to be a person who you can’t stand listening to speak. They probably have some form of speech impediment, but they also think that they’re the smartest person in the room. They love listening to themselves talk and you just want nothing more than to light this person on fire.
There you have it, the reasons that we all hate the Classroom Asshole. If you happen to know one of these people, then you know I am spot on with my description and reasons that we all hate them. Any other questions?
How Does This Happen?
http://www.theday.com/article/20110428/NWS01/304289361/1044
Is it me, or is does getting charged with a DUI twice in a 16 hour span just sound unrealistic? First of all, what a giant asshole this guy is seeing as he basically totaled two cars within that time span. Also, what the fuck is with that state law that he was released from jail when it was determined that he was sober? Only in Connecticut would something like this happen. That's what you have to love about Connecticut, you can't buy alcohol passed 9PM but you can get released from a DUI when you're deemed sober. Sounds pretty ass backwards to me. I don't even blame the guy, I blame the state for having retarded lawmakers.
Is it me, or is does getting charged with a DUI twice in a 16 hour span just sound unrealistic? First of all, what a giant asshole this guy is seeing as he basically totaled two cars within that time span. Also, what the fuck is with that state law that he was released from jail when it was determined that he was sober? Only in Connecticut would something like this happen. That's what you have to love about Connecticut, you can't buy alcohol passed 9PM but you can get released from a DUI when you're deemed sober. Sounds pretty ass backwards to me. I don't even blame the guy, I blame the state for having retarded lawmakers.
In Case You Missed It...
http://gawker.com/#!5796498/south-park-takes-on-apple-steve-jobs-in-season-premiere-mcfk
In case you missed last night's new episode of South Park, go to that link up there and watch what is basically a teaser trailer from last night's episode. What makes South Park great is that they just continually shit on anyone and everyone and I think it's absolutely hysterical. You need to watch the little trailer in the link above. Trust me, you won't be disappointed and will definitely want to watch the entire episode.
In case you missed last night's new episode of South Park, go to that link up there and watch what is basically a teaser trailer from last night's episode. What makes South Park great is that they just continually shit on anyone and everyone and I think it's absolutely hysterical. You need to watch the little trailer in the link above. Trust me, you won't be disappointed and will definitely want to watch the entire episode.
Asshole Of The Day Award
Stupidity wins in straight sets...
http://journalstar.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/article_c429101c-ad1e-596e-aac7-727748d8a609.html
See I happened to be under the impression that Asian people were smart. Especially since all of my Asian friends are basically geniuses. This guy though, could be one of the dumbest people to ever walk planet earth. He stole about $2,300 worth of shit right out of this guy's car, including the car radio. So why is he an asshole? He went to the guy's store that he stole it from to ask him how to install the fucking thing. This radio/player is so rare that there are only two of them in the entire region. Did he think this guy wasn't going to put two and two together? Moral of the story: When stealing anything, you shouldn't ask the person you stole it from for help with the installation.
http://journalstar.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/article_c429101c-ad1e-596e-aac7-727748d8a609.html
See I happened to be under the impression that Asian people were smart. Especially since all of my Asian friends are basically geniuses. This guy though, could be one of the dumbest people to ever walk planet earth. He stole about $2,300 worth of shit right out of this guy's car, including the car radio. So why is he an asshole? He went to the guy's store that he stole it from to ask him how to install the fucking thing. This radio/player is so rare that there are only two of them in the entire region. Did he think this guy wasn't going to put two and two together? Moral of the story: When stealing anything, you shouldn't ask the person you stole it from for help with the installation.
Thursday: Drinking Game Of The Week
This Week's Game...
MOOSE!
The name of the game is Moose. You start with an empty ice-cube tray and a bowl. Place the ice-cube tray the long way in front of the first player with the bowl at the end of the tray. The left side of the tray is "give" and the right is "take". "Give" means you count how many squares away from you the quarter is and you give out that many drinks. "Take" means you drink that much.
To start, you must bounce the quarter off of the table so that it somehow lands in the tray. It is one's turn until he/she either misses the tray or lands on the "take" side. A player can also "chance" their next bounce. To chance means that the player gets one more chance to play, but if he/she misses the tray, he/she must drink the bowl, filled to the rim with beer. If their quarter lands on the "give" side, then it remains their turn until, well, I just explained that.
The reason this game is called "Moose" is because if the quarter lands in the bowl, everyone puts their hands up by their heads and yells "Moose". The last person to do this has to drink the bowl.
The only thing worse than drinking shitty beer is drinking a mixture of everyone's shitty beer. You'll have a blast playing this game, and you'll get hammered. Enjoy.
MOOSE!
The name of the game is Moose. You start with an empty ice-cube tray and a bowl. Place the ice-cube tray the long way in front of the first player with the bowl at the end of the tray. The left side of the tray is "give" and the right is "take". "Give" means you count how many squares away from you the quarter is and you give out that many drinks. "Take" means you drink that much.
To start, you must bounce the quarter off of the table so that it somehow lands in the tray. It is one's turn until he/she either misses the tray or lands on the "take" side. A player can also "chance" their next bounce. To chance means that the player gets one more chance to play, but if he/she misses the tray, he/she must drink the bowl, filled to the rim with beer. If their quarter lands on the "give" side, then it remains their turn until, well, I just explained that.
The reason this game is called "Moose" is because if the quarter lands in the bowl, everyone puts their hands up by their heads and yells "Moose". The last person to do this has to drink the bowl.
The only thing worse than drinking shitty beer is drinking a mixture of everyone's shitty beer. You'll have a blast playing this game, and you'll get hammered. Enjoy.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Don't Look Now Mets Fans...
Ladies and Gentlemen don't look now, but the New York Mets have won six games in a row. Six fucking games in a row; I didn't think they would win four in a row all year, let alone six in a row. As much as I hate to say it because I hate him in so many ways, Daniel Murphy has to play second base. Guy is on fire and is just the clear cut best player on the team at that position. However, the teams they have played have been the equivalent to the Little Sister's of the Poor. I'm not sold yet, especially because by the time it takes me to be sold on these houligans they'll be 15 games out. Don't get your hopes up Met fans, they do this every year. Give you hope early, and destroy that same hope soon after. It's their circle of life.
Video of the Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiy7mHFnU1Y
What a fucking pussy this dog is. Are you kidding me dog? You're scared of a fucking little baby duckling. You can swallow that fucking thing in one bite and you're running away from it like a little bitch. I would Michael Vick the shit out of this dog if I owned it, just to toughen his ass up. He's scared of a baby duckling, how is he going to protect an actual person from a 6'4 230 pound robber with a gun. Exactly, it's time for dog fighting school mother fucker.
Sidenote: Asshole, with the red shoes, get out of the fucking way next time. No one cares about your big gay red shoes.
What a fucking pussy this dog is. Are you kidding me dog? You're scared of a fucking little baby duckling. You can swallow that fucking thing in one bite and you're running away from it like a little bitch. I would Michael Vick the shit out of this dog if I owned it, just to toughen his ass up. He's scared of a baby duckling, how is he going to protect an actual person from a 6'4 230 pound robber with a gun. Exactly, it's time for dog fighting school mother fucker.
Sidenote: Asshole, with the red shoes, get out of the fucking way next time. No one cares about your big gay red shoes.
Web Show Pilot...
Once again, here is my Web Show Pilot episode for those who haven't seen it. I know I'm getting annoying with this, but I don't particularly give a fuck. Anyway, we're still working out the kinks so give us some feedback.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEN2WjrQ92M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEN2WjrQ92M
Highlight Feature Of The Day: It's Not You, It's Me...We Know That's A Lie
Yes, we have all heard the famous cop out line of, “It’s not you, it’s me.” However, we all know that this is the biggest bullshit excuse of all time. You know damn well that it’s you, who else would it be? But why is it you? That’s the question everyone asks, and I am here to tell you why.
To begin, chances are that once you’re in a relationship for a long period of time, you get too comfortable with the other person. Basically, you show who you really are after a while. The relationship probably wasn’t based off who you really are, it was probably based off of what you wanted the other person to see you as. That’s how most relationships start out, and once the true colors start showing, sometimes they are tough to handle.
There is also the other instance where your boyfriend or girlfriend has been cheating on you, but they don’t have enough balls to actually admit it to you. You always get the gut feeling when you know something isn’t right, but you don’t know for sure until about a month later when you see your ex with the person they were cheating on you with. Oh, and you probably know who the person is that he or she cheated on you with.
Finally, the relationship is probably at a good point, but you don’t love each other yet. However, you may think he or she loves you and you decide to let yourself go. You stop going to the gym, you stop really doing much of anything. Next thing you know, you’re thirty pounds heavier and since they don’t love you, they’re leaving you. That’s really when you know it’s not you, it’s me is complete and utter bullshit. Just look at the scale, there's no explanation needed.
To begin, chances are that once you’re in a relationship for a long period of time, you get too comfortable with the other person. Basically, you show who you really are after a while. The relationship probably wasn’t based off who you really are, it was probably based off of what you wanted the other person to see you as. That’s how most relationships start out, and once the true colors start showing, sometimes they are tough to handle.
There is also the other instance where your boyfriend or girlfriend has been cheating on you, but they don’t have enough balls to actually admit it to you. You always get the gut feeling when you know something isn’t right, but you don’t know for sure until about a month later when you see your ex with the person they were cheating on you with. Oh, and you probably know who the person is that he or she cheated on you with.
Finally, the relationship is probably at a good point, but you don’t love each other yet. However, you may think he or she loves you and you decide to let yourself go. You stop going to the gym, you stop really doing much of anything. Next thing you know, you’re thirty pounds heavier and since they don’t love you, they’re leaving you. That’s really when you know it’s not you, it’s me is complete and utter bullshit. Just look at the scale, there's no explanation needed.
Re-Create This Dance Contest
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2zsY4an6HU
I'm giving away a $50 gift card to anywhere you choose for anyone who can re-create this dance in a funnier way. I am a man of my word and I swear you will get the gift card anywhere. I know it's only $50 but I don't exactly make money off this thing yet. Make your video, post it on youtube and send the link to hammer41blog@gmail.com. Re-create this dance and win.
I'm giving away a $50 gift card to anywhere you choose for anyone who can re-create this dance in a funnier way. I am a man of my word and I swear you will get the gift card anywhere. I know it's only $50 but I don't exactly make money off this thing yet. Make your video, post it on youtube and send the link to hammer41blog@gmail.com. Re-create this dance and win.
Asshole(s) Of The Day Award
Today we have a shared award going out to what may possibly be the two ugliest people on the face of planet earth...
Now I'm no doctor, but if there were 100 people in a room and someone asked me to find the two people who probably do meth and also distribute it, I would definitely pick these two. The guy isn't exactly what you would call handsome and the woman is ugly as sin. Anyway, they share today's Asshole of the Day Award for using a small plane to fly from Colorado to Pennsylvania to sell meth. I mean cops aren't stupid, they know that two people who look like this and have a plane are up to no good. How did they get caught? They sold $27,000 worth of meth to an undercover detective. This is why people with no brain can't be drug dealers. Because they will always get caught. If they're this ugly now, imagine what these two will look like after 20 years in jail.
Now I'm no doctor, but if there were 100 people in a room and someone asked me to find the two people who probably do meth and also distribute it, I would definitely pick these two. The guy isn't exactly what you would call handsome and the woman is ugly as sin. Anyway, they share today's Asshole of the Day Award for using a small plane to fly from Colorado to Pennsylvania to sell meth. I mean cops aren't stupid, they know that two people who look like this and have a plane are up to no good. How did they get caught? They sold $27,000 worth of meth to an undercover detective. This is why people with no brain can't be drug dealers. Because they will always get caught. If they're this ugly now, imagine what these two will look like after 20 years in jail.
What Are The Odds Of This?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjI8AxZnrx8
Yeah at the beginning it doesn't look like much, just wait until the 35 second mark. This guy has to be the unluckiest person on the planet. To get hit by lightning twice, in a matter of seconds, you must have done some fucked up shit to someone. Karma's a real bitch isn't it?
Yeah at the beginning it doesn't look like much, just wait until the 35 second mark. This guy has to be the unluckiest person on the planet. To get hit by lightning twice, in a matter of seconds, you must have done some fucked up shit to someone. Karma's a real bitch isn't it?
Another Week, Another Student-Teacher Sex Scandal
These are turning into a weekly thing these days...
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1380819/2-special-education-teachers-school-face-jail-sex-teen-students.html
What do you know? I mean really, who would have thought that we would have yet another student-teacher sex scandal? This is a trend that's spreading like wild fire now. I mean everywhere you look, you see a story about a student getting molested by a teacher. And half the time it's women teachers and guy students. This shit is weird. Cradle robbing is now at an all time high after this one. The first woman decided to double her pleasure by having a threesome with two seventeen year olds, in her car, out in the desert. Having sex in a car with one person is hard enough, I can't imagine another person in there unless it's one of those big, white child molester vans. The other lady sent a text of her tits to a 15 year old and then had sex with him. People are sick in the head and it sucks for these kids in their teens because they're testosterone is running so rampant that they're most likely not turning down sex. Even if it's with a disgusting older woman. Stay tuned, because I'm sure you'll be hearing about another one of these next week.
Sidenote: Go to the link, and check out the picture of the woman on the bottom. Tell me this bitch doesn't look like an avatar.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1380819/2-special-education-teachers-school-face-jail-sex-teen-students.html
What do you know? I mean really, who would have thought that we would have yet another student-teacher sex scandal? This is a trend that's spreading like wild fire now. I mean everywhere you look, you see a story about a student getting molested by a teacher. And half the time it's women teachers and guy students. This shit is weird. Cradle robbing is now at an all time high after this one. The first woman decided to double her pleasure by having a threesome with two seventeen year olds, in her car, out in the desert. Having sex in a car with one person is hard enough, I can't imagine another person in there unless it's one of those big, white child molester vans. The other lady sent a text of her tits to a 15 year old and then had sex with him. People are sick in the head and it sucks for these kids in their teens because they're testosterone is running so rampant that they're most likely not turning down sex. Even if it's with a disgusting older woman. Stay tuned, because I'm sure you'll be hearing about another one of these next week.
Sidenote: Go to the link, and check out the picture of the woman on the bottom. Tell me this bitch doesn't look like an avatar.
Would You Rather Wednesday's
This week on Would You Rather we bring you a question that has probably been thought about for centuries, but no one has elaborated on it.
Would you rather walk in on your parents having sex, or have your parents walk in on you having sex?
Walking in on them VS Them walking in on you...
This is probably a tougher question depending on what type of parents you have. Personally, I can't even picture my parents kissing, let alone doing anything else. It's probably also different depending on guys and girls. If you're a guy, you're probably making dad proud if he walks in on you, but your mother would be mortified. If you're a girl, you're probably making no one proud and you would probably be sent to a convent afterwards. Meanwhile, it's a lose-lose situation for anyone who walks in on their parents banging, because no one actually wants to see that shit. This week, I'm saying I would rather have my parents walk in on me. Although my mother would need to go pray the rosary right after, my dad would just shut the door and probably high five me the next day. I figure my mom could get over it, but I would be scarred for life walking in on them.
Sidenote: This question is hypothetical and has never happened before, I'm just giving everyone something to think about.
Would you rather walk in on your parents having sex, or have your parents walk in on you having sex?
Walking in on them VS Them walking in on you...
This is probably a tougher question depending on what type of parents you have. Personally, I can't even picture my parents kissing, let alone doing anything else. It's probably also different depending on guys and girls. If you're a guy, you're probably making dad proud if he walks in on you, but your mother would be mortified. If you're a girl, you're probably making no one proud and you would probably be sent to a convent afterwards. Meanwhile, it's a lose-lose situation for anyone who walks in on their parents banging, because no one actually wants to see that shit. This week, I'm saying I would rather have my parents walk in on me. Although my mother would need to go pray the rosary right after, my dad would just shut the door and probably high five me the next day. I figure my mom could get over it, but I would be scarred for life walking in on them.
Sidenote: This question is hypothetical and has never happened before, I'm just giving everyone something to think about.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Fireside Chats Pilot
I know I mentioned this yesterday but I'm going to keep posting it because not everyone has seen it. Yes I know how does that happen right? Anyway this is a pilot episode for my web show, once again, give some feedback let us know what you think. It's a very rough version, we're working out the kinks for next weeks episode so don't be shy and give some feedback.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEN2WjrQ92M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEN2WjrQ92M
Shout Out To A Major League Debut
My man Troy's big brother, Evan Scribner, just made his Major League debut tossing two scoreless innings and also getting Chipper Jones to hit into a double play. So here's a shout out for doing what 99.8% of people can't do. Hope to keep seeing it for years to come.
You Know You Suck When...
http://www.mirrorfootball.co.uk/news/Manchester-United-Darron-Gibson-was-closed-his-new-Twitter-account-after-just-97-minutes-following-a-torrent-of-abuse-from-United-fans-article728114.html
I don't follow soccer at all, but I have to think this guy sucks terribly when 97 minutes after opening up a twitter account he needs to cancel his account because of abuse from his own team's fans. You have to be what Carl Pavano is to the Yankees, or what Vernon Gholston is to the Jets to merit that type of abuse. I wouldn't even show up to my next game if I was this guy, I would just ask for a trade. Although if he's this bad no one's going to want him. There's probably a reason for all that abuse that I don't know about, maybe he fucked the team captains wife, who knows?
I don't follow soccer at all, but I have to think this guy sucks terribly when 97 minutes after opening up a twitter account he needs to cancel his account because of abuse from his own team's fans. You have to be what Carl Pavano is to the Yankees, or what Vernon Gholston is to the Jets to merit that type of abuse. I wouldn't even show up to my next game if I was this guy, I would just ask for a trade. Although if he's this bad no one's going to want him. There's probably a reason for all that abuse that I don't know about, maybe he fucked the team captains wife, who knows?
Highlight Feature Of The Day: Large Girl, Skinny Mirror
Everyone knows those girls who aren’t exactly what one would call skinny, but they dress like they have the body of a super model. You know what I mean, they wear the two-piece bathing suites at the beach with the rib fat hanging out, they wear the belly shirts with the FUPA hanging out and take pictures of themselves in the mirror thinking it looks good. Everyone knows the girls I’m talking about; don’t sit there and try to lie to yourself; you know I’m right.
The main problem with these girls is that they aren’t even cool girls, they’re complete bitches. Like usually the chubby girls are cool as fuck and love to make fun of people and aren’t total bitches. They even keep to themselves most of the time. But these girls even go as far as to make a scene when they go out in public. Hunny, don’t draw attention to yourself when your yelling makes you look like Chris Farley on cocaine.
Anyway, a theory of a very smart man named Uncle Joe (he’s not my Uncle Joe but I still call him Uncle Joe) holds the secret to the problem with girls such as these. Uncle Joe stated that these girls must have skinny mirrors in their houses. I think he hit the nail right on the head with that theory. You know those tall long skinny mirrors that will make anyone look like a super model? Yes, those fucking mirrors.
That must be it; these fat chicks who should be getting harpooned by desperate guys think they’re hot because they have skinny mirrors throughout their house hold. And they’re all friends with each other, which means that when they go to their friends house, they also look into the skinny mirrors. It’s a vicious cycle.
I think it’s safe to say that it’s time to outlaw the skinny mirror. It gives these large, bitchy women false hope thinking they’re hot. The ban on skinny mirrors should go into affect ASAP. Sooner or later these girls will find out that they’re not skinny, and in my opinion, the sooner, the better.
The main problem with these girls is that they aren’t even cool girls, they’re complete bitches. Like usually the chubby girls are cool as fuck and love to make fun of people and aren’t total bitches. They even keep to themselves most of the time. But these girls even go as far as to make a scene when they go out in public. Hunny, don’t draw attention to yourself when your yelling makes you look like Chris Farley on cocaine.
Anyway, a theory of a very smart man named Uncle Joe (he’s not my Uncle Joe but I still call him Uncle Joe) holds the secret to the problem with girls such as these. Uncle Joe stated that these girls must have skinny mirrors in their houses. I think he hit the nail right on the head with that theory. You know those tall long skinny mirrors that will make anyone look like a super model? Yes, those fucking mirrors.
That must be it; these fat chicks who should be getting harpooned by desperate guys think they’re hot because they have skinny mirrors throughout their house hold. And they’re all friends with each other, which means that when they go to their friends house, they also look into the skinny mirrors. It’s a vicious cycle.
I think it’s safe to say that it’s time to outlaw the skinny mirror. It gives these large, bitchy women false hope thinking they’re hot. The ban on skinny mirrors should go into affect ASAP. Sooner or later these girls will find out that they’re not skinny, and in my opinion, the sooner, the better.
Video Of The Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPOWhP23dAc
This is an awesome impression of Chris Farley's Living In a Van Down By The River done by Ryan Dempster of the Chicago Cubs. I have to say I have seen a lot of Chris Farley impressions in my day and this is up at the top of the list.
This is an awesome impression of Chris Farley's Living In a Van Down By The River done by Ryan Dempster of the Chicago Cubs. I have to say I have seen a lot of Chris Farley impressions in my day and this is up at the top of the list.
I'm Going To Hell For This
I heard this story in class this morning and now I just found the fucking article online because you wouldn't believe me if I didn't have the article.
http://www.npr.org/2011/04/26/135702065/relapse-and-recovery-a-tale-of-two-prostitutes
This is like such a slap in the face to the Catholic Church right here as the program for recovering prostitutes is called the Magdalene recovery program. That sounds incredibly fucked up to me since Mary Magdalene is the most famous prostitute of all time. Also, I had no idea that being a prostitute was a sickness. Prostitution is not a sickness, it's a choice when you're broke as fuck. It's the degrading version of porn. If there is a more degrading version of porn, it's being a prostitute. It's not a fucking sickness assholes. By the way, they are still technically prostitutes. They're not hookers unless they're dead. Sounds harsh, but I'm just saying.
http://www.npr.org/2011/04/26/135702065/relapse-and-recovery-a-tale-of-two-prostitutes
This is like such a slap in the face to the Catholic Church right here as the program for recovering prostitutes is called the Magdalene recovery program. That sounds incredibly fucked up to me since Mary Magdalene is the most famous prostitute of all time. Also, I had no idea that being a prostitute was a sickness. Prostitution is not a sickness, it's a choice when you're broke as fuck. It's the degrading version of porn. If there is a more degrading version of porn, it's being a prostitute. It's not a fucking sickness assholes. By the way, they are still technically prostitutes. They're not hookers unless they're dead. Sounds harsh, but I'm just saying.
If You're Sending Someone $10,000 Worth Of Weed, Get The Address Right
http://www.wmtw.com/r/27659941/detail.html
Whoever sent out this package is a real asshole. You sent $10,000 worth of weed to a fucking elderly couple you dumb fuck. Do you know how pissed off you just made the person who was waiting for that package? Especially because now the police have his drugs. My guess is you'll be receiving a package in the mail as well, except this one will probably have some sort of chemical in it that will blow up as soon as you open it. Just saying.
Sidenote: If you're elderly and find a brick of weed on your door step, why wouldn't you try selling it for some extra cash? Medicare can only take you so far right? That whole brick was probably worth a new house in Florida.
Whoever sent out this package is a real asshole. You sent $10,000 worth of weed to a fucking elderly couple you dumb fuck. Do you know how pissed off you just made the person who was waiting for that package? Especially because now the police have his drugs. My guess is you'll be receiving a package in the mail as well, except this one will probably have some sort of chemical in it that will blow up as soon as you open it. Just saying.
Sidenote: If you're elderly and find a brick of weed on your door step, why wouldn't you try selling it for some extra cash? Medicare can only take you so far right? That whole brick was probably worth a new house in Florida.
Asshole Of The Day Award
This kid is not exactly what you would classify as smart...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/04/25/cameron-reilly-scots-guar_n_853229.html
So this kid who happens to be a Royal Guard at Buckingham Palace has been banned from the royal wedding after calling Kate Middleton a fat cow and a posh bitch on facebook. He's an asshole for doing it on facebook, he would have been the fucking man if he would have done it in person, but he would probably also be dead. Anyway, for future reference it's probably not the best idea to be calling out people like Kate Middleton on facebook like a fucking asshole. Now you get banned from the royal wedding and probably fired. Good job dick, I hope you have a blast on the unemployment line.
Sidenote: How awesome of a halloween idea would it be to dress up as a royal guard?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/04/25/cameron-reilly-scots-guar_n_853229.html
So this kid who happens to be a Royal Guard at Buckingham Palace has been banned from the royal wedding after calling Kate Middleton a fat cow and a posh bitch on facebook. He's an asshole for doing it on facebook, he would have been the fucking man if he would have done it in person, but he would probably also be dead. Anyway, for future reference it's probably not the best idea to be calling out people like Kate Middleton on facebook like a fucking asshole. Now you get banned from the royal wedding and probably fired. Good job dick, I hope you have a blast on the unemployment line.
Sidenote: How awesome of a halloween idea would it be to dress up as a royal guard?
This Is Why Parents Should Be Allowed To Beat Their Children...
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2011/04/25/state/n061733D38.DTL
It would be easy for me to say that these kids were so young that they didn't really know what they were doing, but they happened to acknowledge what they did and said the reason for it was that they were bored. Listen you little fucks, I don't care if you're bored, at the ages of 12 and 9 you shouldn't be driving excavators into construction sites because you're bored. I know you live in Pennsylvania, which other than Philadelphia is about as exciting as watching the grass grow, but I'm sure you can find something else to do. Ride a bike, have a catch, play wiffle ball or basketball, you know shit that normal children do. But no, you little assholes decide to drive an excavator into a construction site, cause $164,000 worth of damage, $150,000 worth to a bulldozer and then set off every fire extinguisher in the place. Yes, I said fire extinguisher, not fire alarm. If I was your parents you two wouldn't be let out of the house until you were 18.
Sidenote: How many people had a universal remote and went house to house changing people's channels while they tried to relax and watch TV when you were like 13 years old? How much fun was that shit?
It would be easy for me to say that these kids were so young that they didn't really know what they were doing, but they happened to acknowledge what they did and said the reason for it was that they were bored. Listen you little fucks, I don't care if you're bored, at the ages of 12 and 9 you shouldn't be driving excavators into construction sites because you're bored. I know you live in Pennsylvania, which other than Philadelphia is about as exciting as watching the grass grow, but I'm sure you can find something else to do. Ride a bike, have a catch, play wiffle ball or basketball, you know shit that normal children do. But no, you little assholes decide to drive an excavator into a construction site, cause $164,000 worth of damage, $150,000 worth to a bulldozer and then set off every fire extinguisher in the place. Yes, I said fire extinguisher, not fire alarm. If I was your parents you two wouldn't be let out of the house until you were 18.
Sidenote: How many people had a universal remote and went house to house changing people's channels while they tried to relax and watch TV when you were like 13 years old? How much fun was that shit?
How Much Alcohol Would It Take Tuesday's
Yes, this week we have a woman who should be playing offensive line for some pro football team. I'm just upset I missed her when we were building our women's celebrity football team earlier...
Yummy! Today we have Gabby Sidibe. And oh my goodness is she large. She is not only covered in cellulite but also has that really cute face that looks like a bulldog chewing on a wasp. How much alcohol would it take me to have sex with this woman who has her own gravitational pull? I'm going to have to go with a full gallon of Moonshine and a water glass of Everclear just to be safe. If I don't die from her being on top, I want to make sure I die of liver failure or alcohol poisoning. Either way, this is a lose lose situation.
Yummy! Today we have Gabby Sidibe. And oh my goodness is she large. She is not only covered in cellulite but also has that really cute face that looks like a bulldog chewing on a wasp. How much alcohol would it take me to have sex with this woman who has her own gravitational pull? I'm going to have to go with a full gallon of Moonshine and a water glass of Everclear just to be safe. If I don't die from her being on top, I want to make sure I die of liver failure or alcohol poisoning. Either way, this is a lose lose situation.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Web Show Pilot
This is the Pilot Episode for my web show coming out known as Fireside Chats. Give me some feedback on this. It's a really raw rough draft, but if people like the idea I'm going to keep them going. Let me know what you think. It's a little slow, but I'm going to be tightening everything up with the next one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEN2WjrQ92M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEN2WjrQ92M
Facebook De-Friend Of The Week
This week Johnny Baseball has graced us with his facebook de-friend that I personally would have defriended a long time ago. You have some patience Johnny let me tell you...
Joe (last name removed), is the victim this week
Why he is being de-friended:
Rarely…RARELY, do I ever get annoyed with someone on Facebook. I don’t really pay attention to statuses and stuff like that but the past week, week and a half with my facebook defriend of the week has been absolutely brutal. First off, anyone who changes their facebook middle name to something ridiculously outlandish is a fucking jerkoff, and this kid gets a check mark in that category. Next, a fake place where you work also puts a check mark in the should I delete this asshole box, but these two do not take the cake. The statuses are the key elements in a facebook defriend, and this person this month alone has made 27 statuses that mention green day…27…BRO ARE YA KIDDING ME? Do you really like green day that much that you need to make 27 statuses in one month about the most random things? Their lead singer saying hi to your sister…a page of stalking that you did…videos that you made? I mean I like Green Day, and hell I'm all for rock and roll and sticking it to the man..but this has just gone too far…and as I'm doing this post….hes getting deleted.. SORRY BRO…PINK SLIPPED…
Joe (last name removed), is the victim this week
Why he is being de-friended:
Rarely…RARELY, do I ever get annoyed with someone on Facebook. I don’t really pay attention to statuses and stuff like that but the past week, week and a half with my facebook defriend of the week has been absolutely brutal. First off, anyone who changes their facebook middle name to something ridiculously outlandish is a fucking jerkoff, and this kid gets a check mark in that category. Next, a fake place where you work also puts a check mark in the should I delete this asshole box, but these two do not take the cake. The statuses are the key elements in a facebook defriend, and this person this month alone has made 27 statuses that mention green day…27…BRO ARE YA KIDDING ME? Do you really like green day that much that you need to make 27 statuses in one month about the most random things? Their lead singer saying hi to your sister…a page of stalking that you did…videos that you made? I mean I like Green Day, and hell I'm all for rock and roll and sticking it to the man..but this has just gone too far…and as I'm doing this post….hes getting deleted.. SORRY BRO…PINK SLIPPED…
Highlight Feature Of The Day: The Difference Between Lying And Omitting
People lie to each other all the time. But what most people don’t understand is that there is a significant difference between lying about something, and simply just omitting a detail or two. Lying is either not telling the truth, or changing the facts. That is what is considered lying. Omitting is just the art of leaving out some facts.
For example, when a guy goes out with his friends and his friends happen to start talking to girls, simply omitting the fact that there were girls there is a great way to avoid a fight. Why? Because if your girlfriend knows that girls were there, she gets jealous and will hold it in the back of her head for another fight at a later date. We all know this is true, so not even mentioning this will save you two fights in the long run.
But if she asks you if there were girls there and you say no, this would be a lie. This also means that someone snitched to her and deserves a backhand to the face. Just tell her the truth. If you tell her the truth, she doesn’t think you’re a cheater. If you lie, she’ll assume you cheated even though you didn’t. Omitting saves fights, lying escalates them.
These are just simple examples of the difference between lying and omitting. When the opportunity to omit is there, use it. To end I will say what a wise man named Frank once told me: Women base relationships off of what they hear, men base relationships off of what they see. This is why women wear make-up and men lie.
For example, when a guy goes out with his friends and his friends happen to start talking to girls, simply omitting the fact that there were girls there is a great way to avoid a fight. Why? Because if your girlfriend knows that girls were there, she gets jealous and will hold it in the back of her head for another fight at a later date. We all know this is true, so not even mentioning this will save you two fights in the long run.
But if she asks you if there were girls there and you say no, this would be a lie. This also means that someone snitched to her and deserves a backhand to the face. Just tell her the truth. If you tell her the truth, she doesn’t think you’re a cheater. If you lie, she’ll assume you cheated even though you didn’t. Omitting saves fights, lying escalates them.
These are just simple examples of the difference between lying and omitting. When the opportunity to omit is there, use it. To end I will say what a wise man named Frank once told me: Women base relationships off of what they hear, men base relationships off of what they see. This is why women wear make-up and men lie.
Can We Get Some Hot Women At Citi Field?
Look at the herd of wild animals I found at Citi Field, while watching Beer Money last night...
I mean come on with this. We have Princess Fiona from Shrek all the way to the left, a girl with blonde pig tails who looks like she has down syndrome, a biker chick with that sweet arm tatoo and mustache that you will see more of in a second, and then to round out our group of wildebeests we have the girl with bigger arms than me who looks like she stuck her finger in an electrical socket. I guess most hot girls like the Yankees because they're probably front runners who know nothing about baseball. I thought these girls would know shit about baseball but they lost on the first question because they couldn't guess who David Cone was. Come on, my grandmother knew that answer. As for our girl with the mustache...
Look, at this hottie. Full sleeve arm tattoo's and a solid mustache. She's definitely a future candidate for How Much Alcohol Would It Take Tuesday's. Which has more hair? Her upper lip, or the guy's sweet chin beard directly behind her?
I mean come on with this. We have Princess Fiona from Shrek all the way to the left, a girl with blonde pig tails who looks like she has down syndrome, a biker chick with that sweet arm tatoo and mustache that you will see more of in a second, and then to round out our group of wildebeests we have the girl with bigger arms than me who looks like she stuck her finger in an electrical socket. I guess most hot girls like the Yankees because they're probably front runners who know nothing about baseball. I thought these girls would know shit about baseball but they lost on the first question because they couldn't guess who David Cone was. Come on, my grandmother knew that answer. As for our girl with the mustache...
Look, at this hottie. Full sleeve arm tattoo's and a solid mustache. She's definitely a future candidate for How Much Alcohol Would It Take Tuesday's. Which has more hair? Her upper lip, or the guy's sweet chin beard directly behind her?
Asshole Of The Day Award (With Mugshot)
http://www.kcra.com/r/27653871/detail.html
You know your life has gone terribly wrong when you're walking around a cemetery with a flashlight wearing an Oakland Raiders jacket, a g-string and a scrunchie around your balls. Yes, he had a scrunchie around his balls. Your life is pretty downhill these days if you're just wearing the Raiders jacket, but throw in a g-string and a scrunchie and you've fucked up worse than those guys who were in charge of ENRON. Anyway, this guy takes the Asshole of the Day with flying colors and is right now ranked number one for our Asshole of the Month with only a few days left in April.
You know your life has gone terribly wrong when you're walking around a cemetery with a flashlight wearing an Oakland Raiders jacket, a g-string and a scrunchie around your balls. Yes, he had a scrunchie around his balls. Your life is pretty downhill these days if you're just wearing the Raiders jacket, but throw in a g-string and a scrunchie and you've fucked up worse than those guys who were in charge of ENRON. Anyway, this guy takes the Asshole of the Day with flying colors and is right now ranked number one for our Asshole of the Month with only a few days left in April.
You Have To Check Out These Mugshots
http://www.wtsp.com/slideshows/2011/gallery.aspx?slideshowname=Whats-So-Funny-Mugs
Copy the link and look at these fucking mutants. This shit is actually hilarious. I feel like a large variety of these people were the mutants at table 9 in the Wedding Singer. If you were having a bad day, these people will surely put a smile on your face.
Copy the link and look at these fucking mutants. This shit is actually hilarious. I feel like a large variety of these people were the mutants at table 9 in the Wedding Singer. If you were having a bad day, these people will surely put a smile on your face.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Quote Of The Day
"I would rather watch Spike Lee shoot from his seat than watch Roger Mason shoot 3's"- Uncle A
Tell Me You Don't Hate This Guy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWegqusUxZk
Hey Joe Valentino, I was trying to take Easter Sunday off from blogging but your stupid ass commercial just had to throw me over the edge during the Mets game. Why are you yelling at me Joe? I don't want your $500 cash and I don't want your Nissan so get off my TV. On a good note however, happy easter everyone.
Hey Joe Valentino, I was trying to take Easter Sunday off from blogging but your stupid ass commercial just had to throw me over the edge during the Mets game. Why are you yelling at me Joe? I don't want your $500 cash and I don't want your Nissan so get off my TV. On a good note however, happy easter everyone.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The Definition Of Pathetic
Listen, I don't pretend to sit there and watch the NBA playoffs like I've watched basketball the entire season; I'm just not one of those guys. However, I do know enough that when you're the New York Knicks and you played two tough games in Boston, you shouldn't be coming home and getting blown out of your own building. This is exactly what happened last night.
Melo, listen bro, you're a moron. To say before the game that it would be nice to get help from your teammates is one of the most selfish and dumbest things you could have said. Yeah, the team isn't very good other than you, Amare and Billups; but they're still your teammates and calling them out like that is selfish. You went 4-16 in game 3 and your teammates quit on you because of what you said. You know how I know they quit? Boston was only up 8 at halftime after that awful start you assholes had. Then they blew the doors off you in the 3rd quarter. They quit on you, because you were being a selfish prick. Pathetic.
Next, Boston is not a good rebounding team by any means. Evidence of this would be how badly the Knicks out rebounded them in game 2 in Boston. The Knicks only grabbed 12 offensive rebounds in this game. 12 fucking offensive rebounds. That's an average of three per quarter, that's pathetic. Yes, the Knicks didn't show up.
Finally, Rajon Rondo, who is a premier NBA point guard from the standpoint of passing and running the offense absolutely made the Knicks his bitch last night. He had 20 assists by himself. That's a Celtics playoff record. You know how many assists the entire Knicks team had last night? They had 18 assists as a fucking team. Rondo had more assists by himself than the entire Knicks team. I'll say it one more time, that's pathetic.
So here you go Knicks. Just mail it in for game 4 because the series is over. Get embarrassed again on your home court in a playoff game. I know Amare and Billups are hurt, but you can still play hard and show some heart. Although we all know that you won't and you'll be going home after Sunday's game. Have a fun offseason.
Melo, listen bro, you're a moron. To say before the game that it would be nice to get help from your teammates is one of the most selfish and dumbest things you could have said. Yeah, the team isn't very good other than you, Amare and Billups; but they're still your teammates and calling them out like that is selfish. You went 4-16 in game 3 and your teammates quit on you because of what you said. You know how I know they quit? Boston was only up 8 at halftime after that awful start you assholes had. Then they blew the doors off you in the 3rd quarter. They quit on you, because you were being a selfish prick. Pathetic.
Next, Boston is not a good rebounding team by any means. Evidence of this would be how badly the Knicks out rebounded them in game 2 in Boston. The Knicks only grabbed 12 offensive rebounds in this game. 12 fucking offensive rebounds. That's an average of three per quarter, that's pathetic. Yes, the Knicks didn't show up.
Finally, Rajon Rondo, who is a premier NBA point guard from the standpoint of passing and running the offense absolutely made the Knicks his bitch last night. He had 20 assists by himself. That's a Celtics playoff record. You know how many assists the entire Knicks team had last night? They had 18 assists as a fucking team. Rondo had more assists by himself than the entire Knicks team. I'll say it one more time, that's pathetic.
So here you go Knicks. Just mail it in for game 4 because the series is over. Get embarrassed again on your home court in a playoff game. I know Amare and Billups are hurt, but you can still play hard and show some heart. Although we all know that you won't and you'll be going home after Sunday's game. Have a fun offseason.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Highlight Feature Of The Day: Things To Know For Your First Date
With all the guy/girl shit that I talk about I figured why not talk about things to know for a first date. First dates are extremely important because this is the first time you get to feel a person out and begin to see if they’re that same person you enjoy talking to through a text message. I will give you what both guys and girls need to know in order to not fuck up on the first date.
What Girls Need To Know:
BE READY ON TIME: First and foremost, when the guy tells you what time he is picking you up, make sure you are ready to walk out your front door at that time. If you live with your parents, tell them that if he makes it to a third date, that’s when he’ll actually come to the door. For the first date though, just be ready to walk out your door at the ETA (that’s Estimated Time of Arrival for all you geniuses out there).
Car Etiquette: Next, once in the car, ask a question about his car. Guys love their cars, and even if it’s a piece of shit, just ask a fucking question. This is a good conversation starter that will get him talking for a while, which will avoid the usual first date awkward silence.
Eat Something Of Substance: Please, if you’re going out to eat don’t order a fucking salad. Guys know what they’re getting themselves into by paying for you, and we would actually prefer it if you ate something other than a salad. There’s nothing to hide, you’re already on the date, just fucking eat like a human being not a bird.
Offer To Pay: Even though you know you’re not paying, just make the offer to pay for your own stuff. If a guy makes you pay, he’s a real prick who shouldn’t get a second date. But if you offer to pay for yourself, this tells a guy you’re independent enough to take care of yourself but you don’t mind a guy taking care of you every now and then.
Don’t Put Out: Don’t put out on the first date. Once you make it too easy for the guy, he’s gone. Play your cards right and make him work for it a little bit.
What Guys Need To Know:
Compliments, Compliments, Compliments: Compliment the girl on something. No matter what it is, just give her a compliment. Girls love compliments, plus it’ll loosen her up a little bit and make her more comfortable in conversation. Be a gentleman for once.
Table Etiquette: Let her sit down first, let her order first and always ask her if she wants anything else. If she says she doesn’t want dessert, you ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want dessert. Don’t be a dick head; the night is mostly about her, not you. She always comes first. Remember that.
Whatever It Takes, Keep A Steady Convo: Make sure you ask questions and always have a topic to fall back on. Nothing turns a girl off more than a guy who can’t hold a conversation. She has to do her part to, but you need to make it happen for her. Be the guy from your text messages, keep up that good vibe. Get to know her, that’s why you’re on a date.
You’re Paying: You are paying the bill, no questions asked. You are the one taking her out; therefore you pay the fucking bill. If you’re a cheap fuck, don’t take her out, watch a movie in your house.
Take Her Home After: It’s the first date, this night is about getting to know her, not hopping in the sack. Go out and take her right home after. This way she knows you’re not just looking to get your dick wet. Use your heads fella’s.
What Girls Need To Know:
BE READY ON TIME: First and foremost, when the guy tells you what time he is picking you up, make sure you are ready to walk out your front door at that time. If you live with your parents, tell them that if he makes it to a third date, that’s when he’ll actually come to the door. For the first date though, just be ready to walk out your door at the ETA (that’s Estimated Time of Arrival for all you geniuses out there).
Car Etiquette: Next, once in the car, ask a question about his car. Guys love their cars, and even if it’s a piece of shit, just ask a fucking question. This is a good conversation starter that will get him talking for a while, which will avoid the usual first date awkward silence.
Eat Something Of Substance: Please, if you’re going out to eat don’t order a fucking salad. Guys know what they’re getting themselves into by paying for you, and we would actually prefer it if you ate something other than a salad. There’s nothing to hide, you’re already on the date, just fucking eat like a human being not a bird.
Offer To Pay: Even though you know you’re not paying, just make the offer to pay for your own stuff. If a guy makes you pay, he’s a real prick who shouldn’t get a second date. But if you offer to pay for yourself, this tells a guy you’re independent enough to take care of yourself but you don’t mind a guy taking care of you every now and then.
Don’t Put Out: Don’t put out on the first date. Once you make it too easy for the guy, he’s gone. Play your cards right and make him work for it a little bit.
What Guys Need To Know:
Compliments, Compliments, Compliments: Compliment the girl on something. No matter what it is, just give her a compliment. Girls love compliments, plus it’ll loosen her up a little bit and make her more comfortable in conversation. Be a gentleman for once.
Table Etiquette: Let her sit down first, let her order first and always ask her if she wants anything else. If she says she doesn’t want dessert, you ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want dessert. Don’t be a dick head; the night is mostly about her, not you. She always comes first. Remember that.
Whatever It Takes, Keep A Steady Convo: Make sure you ask questions and always have a topic to fall back on. Nothing turns a girl off more than a guy who can’t hold a conversation. She has to do her part to, but you need to make it happen for her. Be the guy from your text messages, keep up that good vibe. Get to know her, that’s why you’re on a date.
You’re Paying: You are paying the bill, no questions asked. You are the one taking her out; therefore you pay the fucking bill. If you’re a cheap fuck, don’t take her out, watch a movie in your house.
Take Her Home After: It’s the first date, this night is about getting to know her, not hopping in the sack. Go out and take her right home after. This way she knows you’re not just looking to get your dick wet. Use your heads fella’s.
Asshole Of The Day Award
I have a long travel day today so shits going up early, deal with it...
http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-man-arrested-ejaculating-water-bottle,0,2014924.story?track=rss
Alright, this guy is a fucking creep right here. He cranked his shit into a co-workers water bottle twice and is now being convicted of all this shit that I don't really feel like explaining. But seriously, keep it in your pants bro. I know the woman is hot and everything, but you can't just go shooting your load in her water bottle to prove a point. Like just go home and crank it to your imagination of her or some shit. How can you do that at work you sick fuck? People just get weirder by the day I see. This guy concludes all our asshole's for this week. Monday I will announce the Asshole of the Week Award.
Sidenote: This woman said after she drank the water she felt sick. Girls swallow bigger loads while giving blow jobs and feel fine. Stop being a drama queen.
http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-man-arrested-ejaculating-water-bottle,0,2014924.story?track=rss
Alright, this guy is a fucking creep right here. He cranked his shit into a co-workers water bottle twice and is now being convicted of all this shit that I don't really feel like explaining. But seriously, keep it in your pants bro. I know the woman is hot and everything, but you can't just go shooting your load in her water bottle to prove a point. Like just go home and crank it to your imagination of her or some shit. How can you do that at work you sick fuck? People just get weirder by the day I see. This guy concludes all our asshole's for this week. Monday I will announce the Asshole of the Week Award.
Sidenote: This woman said after she drank the water she felt sick. Girls swallow bigger loads while giving blow jobs and feel fine. Stop being a drama queen.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Quote Of The Day
"I'm actually just picturing the open bar that's going to take place when you actually do get married"- Greg DePalma
Mets Caption Contest Reminder
What is Jon Niese thinking? Send this weeks captions to hammer41blog@gmail.com
Video Of The Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELZQ-Z6lASI&feature=player_embedded
Tell me this isn't the greatest asshole move of all time by any cop anywhere. Those people who go slow but they stay in the fast lane like retards are always the ones you lose your mind driving behind. This cop is my hero and I would shake his hand if I met him. Awesome.
Tell me this isn't the greatest asshole move of all time by any cop anywhere. Those people who go slow but they stay in the fast lane like retards are always the ones you lose your mind driving behind. This cop is my hero and I would shake his hand if I met him. Awesome.
Pre Game Song Of The Weekend
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhzGN3BvQaI
This week we have Halftime by the Ying-Yang Twins. Starts a little slow but once it gets going this shit makes you want to rage. Take it into the weekend with you and get rowdy.
This week we have Halftime by the Ying-Yang Twins. Starts a little slow but once it gets going this shit makes you want to rage. Take it into the weekend with you and get rowdy.
Ladies, Would You Sleep With This Man?
Yeah so the lighting isn't very good on his face, but he is wearing a glow in the dark shirt. Would you ladies sleep with a guy who wears a shirt like this? I think you would depending on how drunk you were. At the early stages of being drunk you would probably still think it's absolutely retarded. But once the later stages hit you, you think it's so funny and probably kind of cool. Yeah ladies, you would sleep with this guy and you would make him wear the shirt the entire time as well.
Highlight Feature Of The Day: Why You Don't Want A College Girlfriend
Okay so I was actually trying my best to weigh out the pros and cons of having a girlfriend in college. However, I only had one pro and about thirteen cons, so I decided to turn it into what it’s like to have a girlfriend in college. Let me say one thing, it absolutely blows.
In case you were wondering the one pro that I came up with is obviously that you get unlimited poon all the time. This also has a con with it because it is the same poon all the time. Seriously, after about two weeks, guys get tired of the same old piece of vagina that they come home to every night. There is nothing good about it, and the more use you get out of it, the more beat up it gets. After the time period of six months to a year, that is one beat up looking vagina.
Now, here’s everything that sucks about having a girlfriend in college (no I do not have a girlfriend, but this is vast knowledge from all my friends who have had one). For the first con we have that at least one of the three days on the weekend are solely dedicated to her (it’s two out of four days if you consider Thursday the start to your weekend). Also, forget about your own dance moves when you go out because it’s just a night out of grinding up on that same old tired ass you’ve been grinding on for the time span of your relationship.
Also, if you’re at the same school as her, you’re probably going to end up in at least two classes per semester with her. That means all that free eye candy you get to look at when she’s not around is now no longer available. And if you have class with one of her friends, your whole life is fucked because her Russian Spies are watching you like a hawk every second of every day.
What about guys night out? There is no guys night out when you have a girlfriend. She takes it from you and makes you spend it with her. If you even think about going out with your friends, it’s a fight and no sex for at least a three day waiting period. You think I’m lying? Just wait, if you have a girlfriend it’ll all be dandy at the beginning. Once about the four month marker comes around all that is fine now becomes a grudge match to see who wears the pants.
So guys there you have it, if it’s possible, STAY SINGLE while you’re in college. You have plenty of time to be miserable later in your life, but from the years of 18-22, live it up and if you can’t fuck that bitch, fuck that bitch. End of story.
In case you were wondering the one pro that I came up with is obviously that you get unlimited poon all the time. This also has a con with it because it is the same poon all the time. Seriously, after about two weeks, guys get tired of the same old piece of vagina that they come home to every night. There is nothing good about it, and the more use you get out of it, the more beat up it gets. After the time period of six months to a year, that is one beat up looking vagina.
Now, here’s everything that sucks about having a girlfriend in college (no I do not have a girlfriend, but this is vast knowledge from all my friends who have had one). For the first con we have that at least one of the three days on the weekend are solely dedicated to her (it’s two out of four days if you consider Thursday the start to your weekend). Also, forget about your own dance moves when you go out because it’s just a night out of grinding up on that same old tired ass you’ve been grinding on for the time span of your relationship.
Also, if you’re at the same school as her, you’re probably going to end up in at least two classes per semester with her. That means all that free eye candy you get to look at when she’s not around is now no longer available. And if you have class with one of her friends, your whole life is fucked because her Russian Spies are watching you like a hawk every second of every day.
What about guys night out? There is no guys night out when you have a girlfriend. She takes it from you and makes you spend it with her. If you even think about going out with your friends, it’s a fight and no sex for at least a three day waiting period. You think I’m lying? Just wait, if you have a girlfriend it’ll all be dandy at the beginning. Once about the four month marker comes around all that is fine now becomes a grudge match to see who wears the pants.
So guys there you have it, if it’s possible, STAY SINGLE while you’re in college. You have plenty of time to be miserable later in your life, but from the years of 18-22, live it up and if you can’t fuck that bitch, fuck that bitch. End of story.
Enormous Fail
Real Madrid has won the Spanish Cup...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/apr/21/real-madrid-player-drops-cup-under-bus
Too bad they'll be celebrating without the actual cup. Riding on the bus, this Sergio Ramos guy dropped the cup and could only watch as the bus ran it over. Talk about putting a damper on the celebration huh? Could you imagine someone dropping the Super Bowl trophy during a victory parade? Or the World Series trophy? There would probably be a mutiny in the streets. The abuse this guy will probably be taking from teammates for the rest of his career is going to be unreal. I only wish I could meet him in person so I could make fun of him as well.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/apr/21/real-madrid-player-drops-cup-under-bus
Too bad they'll be celebrating without the actual cup. Riding on the bus, this Sergio Ramos guy dropped the cup and could only watch as the bus ran it over. Talk about putting a damper on the celebration huh? Could you imagine someone dropping the Super Bowl trophy during a victory parade? Or the World Series trophy? There would probably be a mutiny in the streets. The abuse this guy will probably be taking from teammates for the rest of his career is going to be unreal. I only wish I could meet him in person so I could make fun of him as well.
Asshole Of The Day Award
People never cease to amaze me...
http://www.wtsp.com/news/watercooler/article/188133/58/Police-Robbers-outfit-same-as-in-Facebook
This moron robbed five banks and stole $6,300 in total. First of all, if I'm robbing five banks, I'm coming out of there with a minimum of $50,000. To come out with only $6,300 is pathetic, you might as well rob a candy store you dumb fuck. Wait, it gets better. How did he get caught? He robbed one of the banks in the same exact outfit as his facebook profile picture. How is anyone that stupid? Cops use everything and anything to find criminals and you wear the same clothes to rob a bank that you're wearing in your facebook picture. Way to go asshole, you win today's award by unanimous decision.
http://www.wtsp.com/news/watercooler/article/188133/58/Police-Robbers-outfit-same-as-in-Facebook
This moron robbed five banks and stole $6,300 in total. First of all, if I'm robbing five banks, I'm coming out of there with a minimum of $50,000. To come out with only $6,300 is pathetic, you might as well rob a candy store you dumb fuck. Wait, it gets better. How did he get caught? He robbed one of the banks in the same exact outfit as his facebook profile picture. How is anyone that stupid? Cops use everything and anything to find criminals and you wear the same clothes to rob a bank that you're wearing in your facebook picture. Way to go asshole, you win today's award by unanimous decision.
Thursday: Drinking Game Of The Week
This week's game is extremely dangerous...
Luck Of The Draw:
Get as many people who want to play together. You will also need 4 liquors (I played with Rum, Whiskey, Vodka, and Tequila), the 9s through Aces from a deck of cards, and some shot glasses.
Shuffle the cards together and cut the deck. Play begins with the first player trying to guess the color of the next card to be drawn. If they get it right they don't drink. If they get it wrong they drink.
Each card represents a drink type: - 9 is beer - 10, J, Q, K are one of the liquors
You drink a shot of the drink which the card represents when you guess wrong. So if you drew a Jack and guessed wrong you would drink a shot of whatever liquor was represented by a Jack.
During the game if you draw an ace, no matter whether you predict the correct color or not, you have to take a shot of every drink.
It will get you hammered.
Luck Of The Draw:
Get as many people who want to play together. You will also need 4 liquors (I played with Rum, Whiskey, Vodka, and Tequila), the 9s through Aces from a deck of cards, and some shot glasses.
Shuffle the cards together and cut the deck. Play begins with the first player trying to guess the color of the next card to be drawn. If they get it right they don't drink. If they get it wrong they drink.
Each card represents a drink type: - 9 is beer - 10, J, Q, K are one of the liquors
You drink a shot of the drink which the card represents when you guess wrong. So if you drew a Jack and guessed wrong you would drink a shot of whatever liquor was represented by a Jack.
During the game if you draw an ace, no matter whether you predict the correct color or not, you have to take a shot of every drink.
It will get you hammered.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Video Of The Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZ__cOytkW0&feature=related
Fast forward to the 1:20 mark. This is actually pretty funny that this kid did this in front of a packed house at a West Virginia basketball game. One of the best asshole moves I have ever seen captured on video.
Fast forward to the 1:20 mark. This is actually pretty funny that this kid did this in front of a packed house at a West Virginia basketball game. One of the best asshole moves I have ever seen captured on video.
This Weeks Mets Caption Contest
Yes when you lose 6-1 to the Astros you deserve to be the face of this weeks caption contest. Here it is ladies and gentlemen for this week, what is Jon Niese thinking? Email your captions to hammer41blog@gmail.com the winner will be posted next Tuesday. Start sending.
Quote Of The Day
Hunter: "The bible says the world's ending this May"
"The bible was also written by people who thought they heard voices in their heads while in the desert"- Greg Depalma
"The bible was also written by people who thought they heard voices in their heads while in the desert"- Greg Depalma
Yes, It's That Time Of Year Again
What time is it?
http://www.nypost.com/p/sports/yankees/mariano_blue_it_VL4W0bPjebjrdMiRM7AiOK
It is exactly that time of year again when Mariano blows his first save and the New York Sportswriters begin their theories on why the greatest closer of all time is washed up. Listen assholes, no one's perfect. This guy is as close to perfect as they come. Yeah, he'll blow one in April, maybe even one in May. But come September and October when it really matters, the guy is lights fucking out. Cut the bullshit with the he's getting old thing. He's still producing. He'll still be sawing off bats in big situations come September; get a clue asshole's and hop off his dick.
http://www.nypost.com/p/sports/yankees/mariano_blue_it_VL4W0bPjebjrdMiRM7AiOK
It is exactly that time of year again when Mariano blows his first save and the New York Sportswriters begin their theories on why the greatest closer of all time is washed up. Listen assholes, no one's perfect. This guy is as close to perfect as they come. Yeah, he'll blow one in April, maybe even one in May. But come September and October when it really matters, the guy is lights fucking out. Cut the bullshit with the he's getting old thing. He's still producing. He'll still be sawing off bats in big situations come September; get a clue asshole's and hop off his dick.
Why Men Like Crazy Women
I have this friend, that’s a girl, who comes to me for advice the other day. She asks, “All knowing one, how come the crazier I act, the more luck I have with guys?” Okay, so she didn’t actually call me all knowing one, but it was worth a shot. Anyway, I did answer this question for her straight up, but I will now go into more detail about why men love themselves a crazy woman.
First of all, once you get the vibe that a girl is crazy, a signal automatically trigger’s in a man’s head that says, “I need to bang her”. It’s not a matter of wanting to, it’s a matter of needing to. You need to find out how crazy she is in bed. Why? Because crazy girls are the best in bed, and yes the rule of the crazier, the better does apply to this theory.
Let’s be honest, are nice girls good in bed? Absolutely not. Nice girls are scared, a little nervous, and also ask guys to do things nicely. The crazy girls don’t ask a guy what to do in bed, they tell a guy what to do in bed. You wife up the nice girl, you chill with the crazy girl.
Crazy girls are also normally down for whatever. If you don’t want a relationship a crazy girl is down with that. Crazy girls love to just hang out and be those awesome friends with benefits. What qualifies as a crazy girl exactly?
Dancing on the bar, being loud, being sarcastic, not giving a fuck about your surroundings and pretty much doing what you want. Those are the main crazy female characteristics, which also lead to them being great in bed. Ladies, when looking for a one night stand, the crazier you act, the more likely you are to get it in. Have I ever steered you wrong before?
Sidenote: In case you were wondering, the answer is no, there is nothing thought about by men that is not sexually driven.
First of all, once you get the vibe that a girl is crazy, a signal automatically trigger’s in a man’s head that says, “I need to bang her”. It’s not a matter of wanting to, it’s a matter of needing to. You need to find out how crazy she is in bed. Why? Because crazy girls are the best in bed, and yes the rule of the crazier, the better does apply to this theory.
Let’s be honest, are nice girls good in bed? Absolutely not. Nice girls are scared, a little nervous, and also ask guys to do things nicely. The crazy girls don’t ask a guy what to do in bed, they tell a guy what to do in bed. You wife up the nice girl, you chill with the crazy girl.
Crazy girls are also normally down for whatever. If you don’t want a relationship a crazy girl is down with that. Crazy girls love to just hang out and be those awesome friends with benefits. What qualifies as a crazy girl exactly?
Dancing on the bar, being loud, being sarcastic, not giving a fuck about your surroundings and pretty much doing what you want. Those are the main crazy female characteristics, which also lead to them being great in bed. Ladies, when looking for a one night stand, the crazier you act, the more likely you are to get it in. Have I ever steered you wrong before?
Sidenote: In case you were wondering, the answer is no, there is nothing thought about by men that is not sexually driven.
Today's Game: Can You Identify This Object?
Can you name this mystery object? Is it a) a tool for blocking off parking spots, b) a cage used for animal cruelty or c) a batting tee for a division one baseball team?
If you guessed C you are correct. I will not name the specific baseball team, that plays at a division one level that can't afford a $30 tee just to save them the embarrassment. However, I would probably talk to my athletic director after seeing this disgrace. And yes, the schools department of public safety did ask for their cone back. They actually did need it to block off a parking spot just to piss some people off. So I guess you could be partially correct with choosing A as well.
Her Music Is That Bad...
http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/04/20/us-black-idUSTRE73J01120110420
I mean I know Rebecca Black's music is awful, but does it really warrant death threats? I think this is a sign of knowing your music is terrible. When people are randomly sending you death threats pleading with you to take your music off the internet. I think it's time to hang it up Rebecca because they can use your song "Friday" as a form of war torture. Just lock prisoners in a room with your song on, I would go crazy after the second time hearing it. Hang em up hun, find a nice job at Abercrombie in your local mall, and call it a career.
I mean I know Rebecca Black's music is awful, but does it really warrant death threats? I think this is a sign of knowing your music is terrible. When people are randomly sending you death threats pleading with you to take your music off the internet. I think it's time to hang it up Rebecca because they can use your song "Friday" as a form of war torture. Just lock prisoners in a room with your song on, I would go crazy after the second time hearing it. Hang em up hun, find a nice job at Abercrombie in your local mall, and call it a career.
Asshole Of The Day Award (With Mugshot)
Get a load of this guy...
This is one of my favorite one's in a while. We have this giant asshole driving a stolen car while shitfaced and crashing into a crime scene. But wait, it gets better. Not only that, but when police come to the car, he has his pants unzipped and a porn magazine on the passengers seat. Driving drunk while cranking one out sounds like a hell of a tough task to me. I mean, you're drunk and probably have whiskey dick and which hand is holding the wheel? And how are you looking at the road? This guy is a strong candidate for Asshole of the Month after this story. Masturbating while driving drunk, the new pandemic in America.
This is one of my favorite one's in a while. We have this giant asshole driving a stolen car while shitfaced and crashing into a crime scene. But wait, it gets better. Not only that, but when police come to the car, he has his pants unzipped and a porn magazine on the passengers seat. Driving drunk while cranking one out sounds like a hell of a tough task to me. I mean, you're drunk and probably have whiskey dick and which hand is holding the wheel? And how are you looking at the road? This guy is a strong candidate for Asshole of the Month after this story. Masturbating while driving drunk, the new pandemic in America.
Would You Rather Wednesday's
This week's is kind of interesting to say the least...
VS 
Infested Stripper Big Rosie
This week we dare to ask the question: Would you rather go down on a herpes infested stripper, or go down on Rosie O'Donnell? This is tough because you're choosing between mouth herpes and shame. At the bare minimum, at least the stripper is hot and you may receive something in return. Rosie's not even into dick so you're just licking the equivalent of a sewage system and she won't even blow you. I reluctantly need to go with the stripper in this situation. I could probably deal with mouth herpes and a good story. I don't think I can deal with shame.
VS 
Infested Stripper Big Rosie
This week we dare to ask the question: Would you rather go down on a herpes infested stripper, or go down on Rosie O'Donnell? This is tough because you're choosing between mouth herpes and shame. At the bare minimum, at least the stripper is hot and you may receive something in return. Rosie's not even into dick so you're just licking the equivalent of a sewage system and she won't even blow you. I reluctantly need to go with the stripper in this situation. I could probably deal with mouth herpes and a good story. I don't think I can deal with shame.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Video Of The Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFKt0j-UoXE
I just remembered how funny this skit was and decided to use it as today's Video of the Day. Yeah, I know it's backwards, but it's for copyright purposes apparently. Either way, it's still hysterical.
I just remembered how funny this skit was and decided to use it as today's Video of the Day. Yeah, I know it's backwards, but it's for copyright purposes apparently. Either way, it's still hysterical.
Ladies: How To Know He's Not Interested
As a guy it’s very hard to deal with not being interested in a certain girl, especially if the girl is very much into you. Just like everyone else, when a girl comes on too strong, it’s just a turn off. On the other end of the spectrum, when a girl doesn’t give any slack and makes it too challenging, that is also a turn off. Ladies, here are the ways to know when we’re not interested.
He never asks you to hang out: If you continually text him and he has not once asked you to hang out, he’s not interested. He’s being nice by talking to you because you’re always the one texting him first, but that’s all he’s doing is being nice. If a guy wants to hang out with a girl, he’ll ask her. If a guy doesn’t even make the attempt to want to hang out, he is not the least bit interested.
You give him your number, and he doesn’t do anything with it: Guys get numbers when they’re out and drunk all the time. If we don’t text or call, we’re not interested. If a guy is interested, he will want to talk to you. He’ll probably text you within the next day or two if he’s actually interested. If by the third day there has not been one text sent, you have no shot because his mind has already been made up. You’re on the why did I get her number list.
He’s avoiding you: You see him walking around somewhere, he just nods his head and keeps walking. You text him and he doesn’t answer, or he makes up an excuse to why he can’t hang out, then this is him completely avoiding you. Avoiding girls does not mean we actually like you, like your mother told you when you were 7. It means we really just want nothing to do with you. Get the hint.
These are three simple ways to tell when a guy is not interested. These are also the three most common things that guys do to hint to girls that we are not interested. I hope I have taught you ladies a lesson out there. These actually can be used to your advantage. Just remember, when going after a guy, you need to find the happy medium between too strong and not enough. Another final hint: If he’s always texting you first, and one day he suddenly doesn’t, that means he’s testing to see if you’re actually going to text him. If you don’t, you failed the test.
He never asks you to hang out: If you continually text him and he has not once asked you to hang out, he’s not interested. He’s being nice by talking to you because you’re always the one texting him first, but that’s all he’s doing is being nice. If a guy wants to hang out with a girl, he’ll ask her. If a guy doesn’t even make the attempt to want to hang out, he is not the least bit interested.
You give him your number, and he doesn’t do anything with it: Guys get numbers when they’re out and drunk all the time. If we don’t text or call, we’re not interested. If a guy is interested, he will want to talk to you. He’ll probably text you within the next day or two if he’s actually interested. If by the third day there has not been one text sent, you have no shot because his mind has already been made up. You’re on the why did I get her number list.
He’s avoiding you: You see him walking around somewhere, he just nods his head and keeps walking. You text him and he doesn’t answer, or he makes up an excuse to why he can’t hang out, then this is him completely avoiding you. Avoiding girls does not mean we actually like you, like your mother told you when you were 7. It means we really just want nothing to do with you. Get the hint.
These are three simple ways to tell when a guy is not interested. These are also the three most common things that guys do to hint to girls that we are not interested. I hope I have taught you ladies a lesson out there. These actually can be used to your advantage. Just remember, when going after a guy, you need to find the happy medium between too strong and not enough. Another final hint: If he’s always texting you first, and one day he suddenly doesn’t, that means he’s testing to see if you’re actually going to text him. If you don’t, you failed the test.
Mets Caption Contest Winner
And this weeks winning caption is...
"Holy shit, I knew David Wright's ass smelt like roses"
This caption was brought to you by Jeff, his last name has been removed for legal purposes. Thanks Jeff for your winning submission, you win pride for this week. If this blog ever blows up you'll get some compensation, but until that happens pride is all I really have for you.
"Holy shit, I knew David Wright's ass smelt like roses"
This caption was brought to you by Jeff, his last name has been removed for legal purposes. Thanks Jeff for your winning submission, you win pride for this week. If this blog ever blows up you'll get some compensation, but until that happens pride is all I really have for you.
Congratulations, You Now Have A 25% Chance Of Calling A Phone Sex Operator
This is interesting...
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2011-04-19-phone-sex-800-numbers.htm
So this porn company that started out in Philadelphia now has control of exactly one quarter of all the 1-800 numbers in the United States and Canada. Even if you don't want that phone sex, you still have a fairly decent chance at getting it. I know you might be thinking, who gives a shit about this? But just picture your mother calling up somewhere like the Home Shopping Network and calling for something stupid just to spend your fathers money. All of a sudden, one of these phone sex operators pick up. Can you imagine the reaction of your mother when she realizes what's going on? Her reaction shot would be worth thousands. I guarantee it.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2011-04-19-phone-sex-800-numbers.htm
So this porn company that started out in Philadelphia now has control of exactly one quarter of all the 1-800 numbers in the United States and Canada. Even if you don't want that phone sex, you still have a fairly decent chance at getting it. I know you might be thinking, who gives a shit about this? But just picture your mother calling up somewhere like the Home Shopping Network and calling for something stupid just to spend your fathers money. All of a sudden, one of these phone sex operators pick up. Can you imagine the reaction of your mother when she realizes what's going on? Her reaction shot would be worth thousands. I guarantee it.
Asshole Of The Day Award
I have so many questions for today's winner...
http://www.torontosun.com/2011/04/18/halfnaked-woman-with-bird-in-car-arrested
Of course this would happen in Canada. I mean we have here a woman driving while naked, and there's a bird flying around in her car. Why are you driving around naked? Why the fuck is there a bird in your car flying around? What was going through your head when you put the bird in the car? Where are your clothes that you need to drive around naked? So of course, this woman's car spirals out of control, hits a city bus and two other cars, and is finally caught by police. The police say alcohol wasn't a factor. Then what was the factor officers? You don't just drive around naked, while a bird fly's around in your car, and not be on something. She had to be on like acid or the magic mushrooms, because this is probably one of the dumber things I have ever heard. Oh and if you're worrying about the bird, the humane society seized it and is taking care of it. I don't know who really gives a shit about the bird, I'm just saying that so I'm covered for any liabilities.
http://www.torontosun.com/2011/04/18/halfnaked-woman-with-bird-in-car-arrested
Of course this would happen in Canada. I mean we have here a woman driving while naked, and there's a bird flying around in her car. Why are you driving around naked? Why the fuck is there a bird in your car flying around? What was going through your head when you put the bird in the car? Where are your clothes that you need to drive around naked? So of course, this woman's car spirals out of control, hits a city bus and two other cars, and is finally caught by police. The police say alcohol wasn't a factor. Then what was the factor officers? You don't just drive around naked, while a bird fly's around in your car, and not be on something. She had to be on like acid or the magic mushrooms, because this is probably one of the dumber things I have ever heard. Oh and if you're worrying about the bird, the humane society seized it and is taking care of it. I don't know who really gives a shit about the bird, I'm just saying that so I'm covered for any liabilities.
How Much Alcohol Would It Take Tuesday's
Today we have a real sweet woman for you who has the possibility of having an actual penis...
Today we have Irene, the strongest woman in Sweden. You can't even tell that she's a woman, but don't worry fella's she's all XX chromosomes. Nothing but veins and muscle, she is the definition of a muscular vagina (although she may have a dick). Anyway, how much alcohol would it take for me to get with the female Schwarzenegger? I would have to be as drunk as David Hasselhoff and Nicolas Cage on Bourbon Street. That is an ungodly amount of alcohol. Except that I can't try and beat her up while I'm blackout, that would turn out bad for me.
Today we have Irene, the strongest woman in Sweden. You can't even tell that she's a woman, but don't worry fella's she's all XX chromosomes. Nothing but veins and muscle, she is the definition of a muscular vagina (although she may have a dick). Anyway, how much alcohol would it take for me to get with the female Schwarzenegger? I would have to be as drunk as David Hasselhoff and Nicolas Cage on Bourbon Street. That is an ungodly amount of alcohol. Except that I can't try and beat her up while I'm blackout, that would turn out bad for me.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Quote of the Day
"If you think that's bad wait until you wake up and see the shorts you have on"- Mountain Juice
Video Of The Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykDlZyEea5k
Ladies and gentlemen meet 6 year old LJ Frazier. Kid puts together his own beats and own raps at 6 fucking years old. Only problem is...he's not that good yet. Hey kid, stop mumbling and open your mouth. Your lyrics don't make sense when we can't understand you. And also little man, saying the words "I ain't sure" thirty times just isn't doing it for me. I expect improvements by the time you're 8. Constructive criticism kid, get used to it.
Ladies and gentlemen meet 6 year old LJ Frazier. Kid puts together his own beats and own raps at 6 fucking years old. Only problem is...he's not that good yet. Hey kid, stop mumbling and open your mouth. Your lyrics don't make sense when we can't understand you. And also little man, saying the words "I ain't sure" thirty times just isn't doing it for me. I expect improvements by the time you're 8. Constructive criticism kid, get used to it.
This Teacher Needs To Sort Out Some Issues
http://www.kitv.com/r/27571928/detail.html
How does one accidentally hit a kid in the head with a hammer? Was the kid sleeping right next to the spot you were hammering and you just slipped a little bit? This seems a little odd to me. They don't say what the kid was doing though, just that the teacher hit him in the head with a hammer during wood shop class. My guess is that he was fucking around just like any high school senior and the teacher had enough of it. I don't think this kid is totally innocent here, but I also don't think it was an accident. There's something fishy going on at this Hawaii high school.
Sidenote: Normally when speaking of a high school student getting pounded, it's another sex scandal. This one caught me by surprise too.
How does one accidentally hit a kid in the head with a hammer? Was the kid sleeping right next to the spot you were hammering and you just slipped a little bit? This seems a little odd to me. They don't say what the kid was doing though, just that the teacher hit him in the head with a hammer during wood shop class. My guess is that he was fucking around just like any high school senior and the teacher had enough of it. I don't think this kid is totally innocent here, but I also don't think it was an accident. There's something fishy going on at this Hawaii high school.
Sidenote: Normally when speaking of a high school student getting pounded, it's another sex scandal. This one caught me by surprise too.
What Do Women Tell Their Friends After Doing Something Freaky?
Guys, we all know how we talk to each other after we do some crazy shit with a girl; but how do women approach this topic of conversation? Yes, girls definitely talk about it, but how do they do it? I want to know. It’s more that I need to know, more than I want to know. It’s a topic that is almost a puzzle.
Let’s think about this. When a guy is talking to his friends about the freaky shit he just did with some girl, it’s very graphic and well drawn out. He almost paints a picture with his words of how he “wrecked that chick”, for example. Like does a girl tell her friends, “Oh yeah he totally fed it to my face last night”, is that how it works, or is it different for girls?
Are girls more proper about it? Or do they explain it with the same technique that a guy would? Does she just come out and say, “Yeah he pretty much thrashed me last night” or “Oh yeah, I rode his shit all night”. Is this how shit goes down? Or do women just tell their friends that they had sex and leave out all the details other than the size of his member? I need to know these answers strictly based on the fact that girls act very proper when it comes to these things, but deep down they’re freaks.
Do they talk about the whipped cream and handcuffs or do they not talk about the whipped cream and handcuffs? These are just small things that guys want to know about. So ladies, the ball is in your court now. I want to know how you approach your friends before telling them about doing something freaky. I’ll keep you totally anonymous I swear. I’m a man of my word, but I just need to know.
Let’s think about this. When a guy is talking to his friends about the freaky shit he just did with some girl, it’s very graphic and well drawn out. He almost paints a picture with his words of how he “wrecked that chick”, for example. Like does a girl tell her friends, “Oh yeah he totally fed it to my face last night”, is that how it works, or is it different for girls?
Are girls more proper about it? Or do they explain it with the same technique that a guy would? Does she just come out and say, “Yeah he pretty much thrashed me last night” or “Oh yeah, I rode his shit all night”. Is this how shit goes down? Or do women just tell their friends that they had sex and leave out all the details other than the size of his member? I need to know these answers strictly based on the fact that girls act very proper when it comes to these things, but deep down they’re freaks.
Do they talk about the whipped cream and handcuffs or do they not talk about the whipped cream and handcuffs? These are just small things that guys want to know about. So ladies, the ball is in your court now. I want to know how you approach your friends before telling them about doing something freaky. I’ll keep you totally anonymous I swear. I’m a man of my word, but I just need to know.
Our First Ever Creeper Of The Day Award
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/8238380/man-dressed-as-mannequin-found-in-mall-toilet
This is just straight up weird. Some guy was dressing up as a mannequin and locking himself in a stall in the woman's bathroom at the mall to take pictures of them. He said everything that goes on in the woman's bathroom "turns him on". What a fucking weirdo this guy is. That's fucking disgusting. Like go watch porn bro, you'll be in the privacy of your own home, and you can look at all the weird shit that you want.
Sidenote: Can you imagine the look on a girls face to see a giant mannequin standing there with a camera phone? That picture would probably be worth a million bucks.
This is just straight up weird. Some guy was dressing up as a mannequin and locking himself in a stall in the woman's bathroom at the mall to take pictures of them. He said everything that goes on in the woman's bathroom "turns him on". What a fucking weirdo this guy is. That's fucking disgusting. Like go watch porn bro, you'll be in the privacy of your own home, and you can look at all the weird shit that you want.
Sidenote: Can you imagine the look on a girls face to see a giant mannequin standing there with a camera phone? That picture would probably be worth a million bucks.
If Married, You Should Probably Not Have A Girlfriend
Especially if this woman's your wife...
http://www.wlwt.com/r/27581384/detail.html
This is some intense shit right here. You hear shit all the time about wives burning off their cheating husbands penis, or throwing bottles at their heads; but you never hear of a woman stabbing a guy, literally in the face. This bitch stabbed her cheating husband in the fucking face. That's bad ass. Although I will say this, if she's that much of a psycho I would probably be cheating on her too. Either way, the bitch is crazy. She stabs her husband in the face, and then leaves him there. I'm willing to bet she would do it the same exact way if she could do it again.
http://www.wlwt.com/r/27581384/detail.html
This is some intense shit right here. You hear shit all the time about wives burning off their cheating husbands penis, or throwing bottles at their heads; but you never hear of a woman stabbing a guy, literally in the face. This bitch stabbed her cheating husband in the fucking face. That's bad ass. Although I will say this, if she's that much of a psycho I would probably be cheating on her too. Either way, the bitch is crazy. She stabs her husband in the face, and then leaves him there. I'm willing to bet she would do it the same exact way if she could do it again.
Nicolas Cage Gets Arrested
New Orleans can do this to people...
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/nicolas-cage-arrest-details-drunk-violent/story?id=13396691
Nicolas Cage was apparently drunk and violent while in New Orleans and ended up getting arrested. Everyone knows how awful of an actor this man is, but could you imagine how bad of a screaming drunk he is? All that's in my head is this video I have posted below. How much funnier would he be if he was fucked up when he did all these?This is probably the greatest Nicolas Cage video ever. Tell me you can't picture him shit faced on Bourbon Street in the first clip.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP1-oquwoL8
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/nicolas-cage-arrest-details-drunk-violent/story?id=13396691
Nicolas Cage was apparently drunk and violent while in New Orleans and ended up getting arrested. Everyone knows how awful of an actor this man is, but could you imagine how bad of a screaming drunk he is? All that's in my head is this video I have posted below. How much funnier would he be if he was fucked up when he did all these?This is probably the greatest Nicolas Cage video ever. Tell me you can't picture him shit faced on Bourbon Street in the first clip.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP1-oquwoL8
Now Presenting, The Newest Sport To Hit Cities Everywhere
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1377170/Easter-travel-chaos-Fire-leave-M1-partly-closed-NEXT-WEEK.html
The story just seemed like a real asshole guy ironing his clothes in the middle lane of a highway that was closed down. Then I read further and couldn't figure out if these people were joking around with what they said next. "It was all part of an extreme ironing stunt where people do a spot of ironing in bizarre or remote locations for fun." What? It gets better though. "According to the official website, extreme ironing is 'the latest danger sport that combines the thrills of an extreme outdoor activity with the satisfaction of a well-pressed shirt." They put the word EXTREME in front of it and suddenly it's a sport? Ironing is not a sport, even extreme ironing is not a sport. And since when is ironing considered extreme outdoor activity? What is going on in this world? This guy wasn't even being extreme by the way, he was ironing in the middle of a closed off highway. That's not really bad ass at all. And he was wearing like a night gown. There is nothing extreme about a dude wearing a night gown. As much as I hate to say this, cheerleading is more of a sport than extreme ironing, and that's saying a lot.
The story just seemed like a real asshole guy ironing his clothes in the middle lane of a highway that was closed down. Then I read further and couldn't figure out if these people were joking around with what they said next. "It was all part of an extreme ironing stunt where people do a spot of ironing in bizarre or remote locations for fun." What? It gets better though. "According to the official website, extreme ironing is 'the latest danger sport that combines the thrills of an extreme outdoor activity with the satisfaction of a well-pressed shirt." They put the word EXTREME in front of it and suddenly it's a sport? Ironing is not a sport, even extreme ironing is not a sport. And since when is ironing considered extreme outdoor activity? What is going on in this world? This guy wasn't even being extreme by the way, he was ironing in the middle of a closed off highway. That's not really bad ass at all. And he was wearing like a night gown. There is nothing extreme about a dude wearing a night gown. As much as I hate to say this, cheerleading is more of a sport than extreme ironing, and that's saying a lot.
Asshole Of The Day Award
Genius...
http://www.y100.com/cc-common/news/sections/newsarticle.html?feed=104673&article=8445540
Apparently in really small towns in places like Indiana, police stations have gas vouchers for people who are low on cash. So this kid decides, why not just go ask the cops for one of these gas vouchers, in a stolen car. How dumb are you? There's like 15 people in your town and you decide to go to a police station with a stolen car. You actually showed them the car's registration that doesn't have you or your family's name on it. That's actually one of the most ignorant things I've ever heard. I guess it's true what they say; ignorance is bliss. However, ignorance is also not an excuse. Congrats kid, you're the Asshole of the Day.
http://www.y100.com/cc-common/news/sections/newsarticle.html?feed=104673&article=8445540
Apparently in really small towns in places like Indiana, police stations have gas vouchers for people who are low on cash. So this kid decides, why not just go ask the cops for one of these gas vouchers, in a stolen car. How dumb are you? There's like 15 people in your town and you decide to go to a police station with a stolen car. You actually showed them the car's registration that doesn't have you or your family's name on it. That's actually one of the most ignorant things I've ever heard. I guess it's true what they say; ignorance is bliss. However, ignorance is also not an excuse. Congrats kid, you're the Asshole of the Day.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
If They’re Pissed, You Must Be Doing Something Right
Come on, did everyone really think I would have people pretty much tell me to my face that I’m an asshole and not write anything about it? Get real. So this is a response to that group who was just so incredibly angry at me and felt the need to tell me while I was out at the bar.
Apparently, the blog I wrote regarding ex girlfriends only had ONE specific girl in mind. Let’s piece this together now. I wrote a blog, in regards to ALL ex girlfriends and even some ex boyfriends, but somehow one girl thought it was only about her. This is very interesting to me. I didn’t have anyone specific in mind when writing that, but if you have a guilty conscience then maybe you need to look in the mirror. There is not one person who is important enough for me to dedicate an entire post to. I didn’t even dedicate an entire post to Hugh Heffner and I went to his birthday party out in Vegas; yet somehow I’m going to dedicate a blog specifically to one ex girlfriend? Who isn’t even my ex girlfriend? Let’s use our heads here.
Next, I would just like to specify to everyone who hates me that the world doesn’t revolve around you. Once again, I write in generalizations, I don’t write anything for specific people. Get off your high horse and get over the grudge because you THINK so strongly that it was about you. Oh, and I didn’t know it was a hate crime to have a conversation with one of my friends at a bar. My friends and I do speak about other things than this stupid fucking blog, just because we’re talking doesn’t mean we’re talking about you. Paranoid much?
Anyway, I’ll end by saying thank you for reading. To all my viewers out there who like this shit, thank you very much. To all who despise me, also, thank you very much. To piss that many people off with one post, I must have hit the nail right on the head. And I’ll end on that. Goodbye.
Apparently, the blog I wrote regarding ex girlfriends only had ONE specific girl in mind. Let’s piece this together now. I wrote a blog, in regards to ALL ex girlfriends and even some ex boyfriends, but somehow one girl thought it was only about her. This is very interesting to me. I didn’t have anyone specific in mind when writing that, but if you have a guilty conscience then maybe you need to look in the mirror. There is not one person who is important enough for me to dedicate an entire post to. I didn’t even dedicate an entire post to Hugh Heffner and I went to his birthday party out in Vegas; yet somehow I’m going to dedicate a blog specifically to one ex girlfriend? Who isn’t even my ex girlfriend? Let’s use our heads here.
Next, I would just like to specify to everyone who hates me that the world doesn’t revolve around you. Once again, I write in generalizations, I don’t write anything for specific people. Get off your high horse and get over the grudge because you THINK so strongly that it was about you. Oh, and I didn’t know it was a hate crime to have a conversation with one of my friends at a bar. My friends and I do speak about other things than this stupid fucking blog, just because we’re talking doesn’t mean we’re talking about you. Paranoid much?
Anyway, I’ll end by saying thank you for reading. To all my viewers out there who like this shit, thank you very much. To all who despise me, also, thank you very much. To piss that many people off with one post, I must have hit the nail right on the head. And I’ll end on that. Goodbye.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Quote of the Day
"You can't make fun of fat chicks on your blog all day then expect to go harpooning"- Hunter Phillips
Mets Caption Contest
Just reminding everyone that the New York Mets caption contest is still going on until Monday night. We've actually had some funny emails sent regarding this caption so why not try and get in on this. I will post the winning caption on Tuesday. So, once again, email your captions to hammer41blog@gmail.com
Man Up, You're A Hockey Player
http://sports.espn.go.com/boston/nhl/news/story?id=6368346
If I was a Boston Bruins fan I would be livid hearing this shit. I don't even watch hockey and this jacked me up. Zdeno Chara, the captain of the Bruins might not play tonight in game 2 of the fucking playoffs because of dehydration. Are you fucking kidding me? You're a hockey player, you get your teeth knocked out on a nightly basis and all of a sudden you might not play because of dehydration? Apparently you haven't watched any of those gatorade commercials that are all over the fucking TV. It's the fucking playoffs, you're the captain and you already blew game 1. Oh, and you're playing the Canadians which is like the biggest rivalry in hockey. Grab a 64 ounce gatorade and get on the ice. That's what a man would do.
If I was a Boston Bruins fan I would be livid hearing this shit. I don't even watch hockey and this jacked me up. Zdeno Chara, the captain of the Bruins might not play tonight in game 2 of the fucking playoffs because of dehydration. Are you fucking kidding me? You're a hockey player, you get your teeth knocked out on a nightly basis and all of a sudden you might not play because of dehydration? Apparently you haven't watched any of those gatorade commercials that are all over the fucking TV. It's the fucking playoffs, you're the captain and you already blew game 1. Oh, and you're playing the Canadians which is like the biggest rivalry in hockey. Grab a 64 ounce gatorade and get on the ice. That's what a man would do.
Guys: How You Made It To The Friend Zone
Everyone knows about the infamous “friend zone” and yes, it is real. But what most people don’t understand is how they actually got there. Let’s not bullshit here, ninety percent of guy-girl friendships started because of attraction towards each other. You two met one night while you were drunk, exchanged numbers and then started talking. But what happened after that?
You see, when meeting a girl who you are attracted to, you only have a small window of opportunity to capitalize before you end up in the friend zone. How you get into the friend zone is by simply just talking and not making any move at all. You don’t ask to hang out, you don’t really ask about anything that would involve just the two of you, and suddenly she gets the signal that you just want to be friends. You have about two weeks to capitalize on this, if you don’t, you’re in the friend zone. Remember: A drunk text at 2am is coming on a bit too strong at first. Sexting only works if you have had sex before. Don’t try and jump the gun.
Also, if you start talking to a girl, NEVER mention your ex girlfriend, unless asked about her. The mention of the ex is a red flag that will make her back off as well as throw you into the friend zone. Also, if she does ask about your ex, don’t babble on; keep it short and to the point. She’s just testing you to see if you’re over it or not. If you fail this test, you become a friend. Not a friend who she drunk texts at 3am, a friend who she wants to go shopping for new outfits with. You do not want to be the gay best friend.
How do we avoid the friend zone? Move quickly, make it known that you’re actually interested in her in a “I want to have sex with you” kind of way. Ask her to go out just the two of you, even if it’s something small like grabbing coffee on a Tuesday night. You have to try anything to make it known that you don’t want to be just friends. Once you’re in the friend zone, there’s no getting out. Capitalize early, that way you’re not kicking yourself later on.
You see, when meeting a girl who you are attracted to, you only have a small window of opportunity to capitalize before you end up in the friend zone. How you get into the friend zone is by simply just talking and not making any move at all. You don’t ask to hang out, you don’t really ask about anything that would involve just the two of you, and suddenly she gets the signal that you just want to be friends. You have about two weeks to capitalize on this, if you don’t, you’re in the friend zone. Remember: A drunk text at 2am is coming on a bit too strong at first. Sexting only works if you have had sex before. Don’t try and jump the gun.
Also, if you start talking to a girl, NEVER mention your ex girlfriend, unless asked about her. The mention of the ex is a red flag that will make her back off as well as throw you into the friend zone. Also, if she does ask about your ex, don’t babble on; keep it short and to the point. She’s just testing you to see if you’re over it or not. If you fail this test, you become a friend. Not a friend who she drunk texts at 3am, a friend who she wants to go shopping for new outfits with. You do not want to be the gay best friend.
How do we avoid the friend zone? Move quickly, make it known that you’re actually interested in her in a “I want to have sex with you” kind of way. Ask her to go out just the two of you, even if it’s something small like grabbing coffee on a Tuesday night. You have to try anything to make it known that you don’t want to be just friends. Once you’re in the friend zone, there’s no getting out. Capitalize early, that way you’re not kicking yourself later on.
And Now For Our Facebook De-friend Of The Week...
Michael (last name removed)
WRECKEDDD GNITEEE AND YESS IM WINNNINGGGGG
First of all, writing the entire thing in capital letters is completely unnecessary. Second, using the last letter of four out of the six words multiple times is also completely unnecessary. Third, no one cares that you're wrecked and with a status like this no one wants a goodnight from you. And finally, as I stated in a post a few weeks back: if you claim you're winning, you're probably losing. You keep claiming you're winning sir, whatever makes you sleep at night. You're just not going to be on my friends list for me to hear about it.
WRECKEDDD GNITEEE AND YESS IM WINNNINGGGGG
First of all, writing the entire thing in capital letters is completely unnecessary. Second, using the last letter of four out of the six words multiple times is also completely unnecessary. Third, no one cares that you're wrecked and with a status like this no one wants a goodnight from you. And finally, as I stated in a post a few weeks back: if you claim you're winning, you're probably losing. You keep claiming you're winning sir, whatever makes you sleep at night. You're just not going to be on my friends list for me to hear about it.
And Now The Latest Teacher-Student Sex Scandal...
Ladies and gentlemen, our feature presentation...
http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/news/local/chibrknews-former-teacher-charged-with-having-sex-with-student-20110415,0,5535024.story?track=rss&utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+ChicagoBreakingNews+(Chicago+B
This one comes out of Chicago. A 24 year old female teacher who had sex with a 17 year old boy they say about 8-10 times. Usually I give the kids props on this shit because it's everyone's fantasy, guy or girl, to bang one of their teachers. And I would normally give him props because the fantasy we all have is to bang our teacher once, and this kid did it 8 to 10 times. However, look at that picture please. WOOF!!! Come on kid, I'm sure you could have done better than this thing. I mean have some self respect dude, this woman is atrocious. And she's a pretty good candidate to be harpooned. If you have sex with a teacher, please make sure she's hot. That way when I write about the story I can salute you instead of make fun of you.
http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/news/local/chibrknews-former-teacher-charged-with-having-sex-with-student-20110415,0,5535024.story?track=rss&utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+ChicagoBreakingNews+(Chicago+B
This one comes out of Chicago. A 24 year old female teacher who had sex with a 17 year old boy they say about 8-10 times. Usually I give the kids props on this shit because it's everyone's fantasy, guy or girl, to bang one of their teachers. And I would normally give him props because the fantasy we all have is to bang our teacher once, and this kid did it 8 to 10 times. However, look at that picture please. WOOF!!! Come on kid, I'm sure you could have done better than this thing. I mean have some self respect dude, this woman is atrocious. And she's a pretty good candidate to be harpooned. If you have sex with a teacher, please make sure she's hot. That way when I write about the story I can salute you instead of make fun of you.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Quote of the Day
"Anyone who was at any of the Mets-Rockies games this week should not only get a refund, but they should also get a written apology"- Mike Francesa
Jealousy, It's A Vicious Cycle
Have you ever been out and noticed peoples ex boyfriends or girlfriends trying to make their former lover jealous? I watch this every time I go out. It’s actually comical at this point. Why is it comical? Because after a certain amount of time being broken up, it’s just pathetic. Get over it. Now here are some prime examples, ladies especially, pay attention.
Girls, dancing on poles and tables while out at the bar and then glancing at your ex boyfriend every five seconds to see if he’s watching you might be one of the most awful attempts to make a guy jealous that I have ever witnessed. This is not making your ex jealous. All it’s doing is making him realize why he isn’t with you anymore. Going from a lady-like girlfriend to a whore dancing on a pole is actually a downgrade. And by the way, he’s not watching because he’s jealous, he’s watching and laughing at the level you have stooped down to.
Next goes for both guys and girls. Please stop thinking that you’re ex is only dancing or talking to someone else to make you jealous. The world doesn’t revolve around you, you’re broken up and they’re moving on, which means you should do the same thing. There’s no reason to think that they do things like this for the sole purpose of making you jealous. However, if you do get jealous and lose your shit, it’s a win for your ex anyway. And guys, this is especially for you; stop trying to fight the other guy who’s talking to your ex. It takes two to tango and you’re broken up so it shouldn’t matter anymore. Think about it before you get into an unnecessary brawl.
Guys, you all know that it is incredibly easy to make your ex girlfriend jealous. You rarely have to even do anything other than saying hello to the wrong girl. If your ex does start flipping out on you, make sure you’re not near a bouncer because you will be the one getting kicked out, not her. You better get the other girls number early because once the hurricane known as your ex comes storming towards you, your night is over.
This is telling everyone out there to move on. Make it easy on yourself and detach this person from your life completely by not speaking to them at all. You get over it quicker and much easier. Hanging around in limbo with each other is a recipe for disaster. Move on.
Girls, dancing on poles and tables while out at the bar and then glancing at your ex boyfriend every five seconds to see if he’s watching you might be one of the most awful attempts to make a guy jealous that I have ever witnessed. This is not making your ex jealous. All it’s doing is making him realize why he isn’t with you anymore. Going from a lady-like girlfriend to a whore dancing on a pole is actually a downgrade. And by the way, he’s not watching because he’s jealous, he’s watching and laughing at the level you have stooped down to.
Next goes for both guys and girls. Please stop thinking that you’re ex is only dancing or talking to someone else to make you jealous. The world doesn’t revolve around you, you’re broken up and they’re moving on, which means you should do the same thing. There’s no reason to think that they do things like this for the sole purpose of making you jealous. However, if you do get jealous and lose your shit, it’s a win for your ex anyway. And guys, this is especially for you; stop trying to fight the other guy who’s talking to your ex. It takes two to tango and you’re broken up so it shouldn’t matter anymore. Think about it before you get into an unnecessary brawl.
Guys, you all know that it is incredibly easy to make your ex girlfriend jealous. You rarely have to even do anything other than saying hello to the wrong girl. If your ex does start flipping out on you, make sure you’re not near a bouncer because you will be the one getting kicked out, not her. You better get the other girls number early because once the hurricane known as your ex comes storming towards you, your night is over.
This is telling everyone out there to move on. Make it easy on yourself and detach this person from your life completely by not speaking to them at all. You get over it quicker and much easier. Hanging around in limbo with each other is a recipe for disaster. Move on.
Video Of The Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQtNFkeoGS0
Giant, giant asshole right here. I wish he would have hit his head, but watching him eat shit was still fun to watch.
Giant, giant asshole right here. I wish he would have hit his head, but watching him eat shit was still fun to watch.
Check Out This Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kk7eJT0UK-Y
Another track from Wem, check it out this kid's good. Once again, album gets out May 12th.
Another track from Wem, check it out this kid's good. Once again, album gets out May 12th.
Johnny Baseball Citi Field Review
Wednesday, April 13th, 2011, Mets. vs. Rockies...Home Game #5
Well folks, It is no suprise about what I'm going to tell you right now. The Mets suck. Now my friends dad got us a few tickets because he works with vendors and stuff and as a favor they always throw some free tixx and stuff like that towards him. So he decides to take his son and I. Here's my experience; in a nutshell.
When we arrived at the stadium it was probably around 5:30 P.M. so we decided why not have some of the beers we braught along with the Tequila? So now were not making any noise...it's 3 of us...not causing a rukus just literally sitting there with a 50 year old man and a 21 year old kid (I'm 20 so I'm not legally able to drink.). The New York Mets organization has the fucking audacity...THE GAUL...to have undecover cops circling their parking lot. So they come over to us and attempt to give us a summons for drinking in the lot...but with PBA cards we got outta them. I felt like telling this fucking cop..hey pal give us a break how do you not expect me to get shit hammered before a Mets game...it's the only way we could fucking get through it. Maybe we could pass out by the 6th inning while the Mets are winning so you dont have to fucking watch them blow it; and you can wake up out of a drunken sleep to see the final score board and them losing. That is the only way to cope.
Now on to the game and stadium. The game was actaully decently exciting. Lotta action and a few dingers, and you have yourself a good game besides the weather, which if it was 10 degrees warmer and not misting would have been perfect. Anywho, Citi Field is absolutely beautiful. The Shake Shack looks sick, all of the score boards, the Pepsi Porch, the Shea Bridge, and you can actually walk down the stairs and go behind the bullpen. Also in the parking lot you can see Shea Stadiums base, another plus to remind you of the wonder years. Awsome stadium and it sickens me...that there was literally...NOBODY there..In the Pepsi Porch at one point I could count the fans on my fingers and toes. Attendance is a complete joke, and what do you expect. The Mets are in the lead...and they decide to PITCH to Tulo...(who I was so high on in my MLB previews and now you see why...easily a top 3 player in the MLB in my eyes, complete beast, hate to say I told you so people)...with first base open and whattaya know? Ding...3 run homer...Mets never recover and lose. And also give up a BOMB to Ryan Spilbourghs. It is so sad how this stadium is so nice and the Mets suck so bad. It is a literal disgrace...there is no other word for it.
And I have another bone to pick. These MLB players are the biggest pricks ever. It is before the game..how about you take 5 minutes to sign some autograhps for the people who over pay to see you miss a groundball right to you; or blow a fucking game when it's your job to get one fucking out. Throw a fucking ball into the stands once in a while you prick motherfuckers. They are the next disgrace. Dickheads. They pretend you're not even there..At least look you selfish rich son of a bitch.
Thanks Johnny, and that's why when I go to Citi Field I will not be leaving my seat at the bar at McFadden's.
Well folks, It is no suprise about what I'm going to tell you right now. The Mets suck. Now my friends dad got us a few tickets because he works with vendors and stuff and as a favor they always throw some free tixx and stuff like that towards him. So he decides to take his son and I. Here's my experience; in a nutshell.
When we arrived at the stadium it was probably around 5:30 P.M. so we decided why not have some of the beers we braught along with the Tequila? So now were not making any noise...it's 3 of us...not causing a rukus just literally sitting there with a 50 year old man and a 21 year old kid (I'm 20 so I'm not legally able to drink.). The New York Mets organization has the fucking audacity...THE GAUL...to have undecover cops circling their parking lot. So they come over to us and attempt to give us a summons for drinking in the lot...but with PBA cards we got outta them. I felt like telling this fucking cop..hey pal give us a break how do you not expect me to get shit hammered before a Mets game...it's the only way we could fucking get through it. Maybe we could pass out by the 6th inning while the Mets are winning so you dont have to fucking watch them blow it; and you can wake up out of a drunken sleep to see the final score board and them losing. That is the only way to cope.
Now on to the game and stadium. The game was actaully decently exciting. Lotta action and a few dingers, and you have yourself a good game besides the weather, which if it was 10 degrees warmer and not misting would have been perfect. Anywho, Citi Field is absolutely beautiful. The Shake Shack looks sick, all of the score boards, the Pepsi Porch, the Shea Bridge, and you can actually walk down the stairs and go behind the bullpen. Also in the parking lot you can see Shea Stadiums base, another plus to remind you of the wonder years. Awsome stadium and it sickens me...that there was literally...NOBODY there..In the Pepsi Porch at one point I could count the fans on my fingers and toes. Attendance is a complete joke, and what do you expect. The Mets are in the lead...and they decide to PITCH to Tulo...(who I was so high on in my MLB previews and now you see why...easily a top 3 player in the MLB in my eyes, complete beast, hate to say I told you so people)...with first base open and whattaya know? Ding...3 run homer...Mets never recover and lose. And also give up a BOMB to Ryan Spilbourghs. It is so sad how this stadium is so nice and the Mets suck so bad. It is a literal disgrace...there is no other word for it.
And I have another bone to pick. These MLB players are the biggest pricks ever. It is before the game..how about you take 5 minutes to sign some autograhps for the people who over pay to see you miss a groundball right to you; or blow a fucking game when it's your job to get one fucking out. Throw a fucking ball into the stands once in a while you prick motherfuckers. They are the next disgrace. Dickheads. They pretend you're not even there..At least look you selfish rich son of a bitch.
Thanks Johnny, and that's why when I go to Citi Field I will not be leaving my seat at the bar at McFadden's.
Judge Overturns I Heart Boobies Ban...
http://healthland.time.com/2011/04/15/judges-overturns-pa-middle-school-ban-on-i-heart-boobies-bracelets/
A Pennsylvania middle school banned those breast cancer I Heart Boobies bracelets and a judge then overturned it. The people at this school are morons. They said the court gave no weight to the fact that they're dealing with middle school kids. Shut the fuck up. Middle school if I recall is 6th, 7th and 8th grade. That's like the peak of puberty, these kids all know what boobies are. Trust me, I've been there. Plus, those bracelets are the least of your problems. 8th grade is like the starting point of girls blowing the guys in the bathroom, so why don't you pay attention to that instead of these harmless bracelets. To say that the bracelets are lewd and vulgar is ridiculous. And besides the fact that it's for breast cancer. Lighten up assholes, stop turning things into bigger deals than they are.
A Pennsylvania middle school banned those breast cancer I Heart Boobies bracelets and a judge then overturned it. The people at this school are morons. They said the court gave no weight to the fact that they're dealing with middle school kids. Shut the fuck up. Middle school if I recall is 6th, 7th and 8th grade. That's like the peak of puberty, these kids all know what boobies are. Trust me, I've been there. Plus, those bracelets are the least of your problems. 8th grade is like the starting point of girls blowing the guys in the bathroom, so why don't you pay attention to that instead of these harmless bracelets. To say that the bracelets are lewd and vulgar is ridiculous. And besides the fact that it's for breast cancer. Lighten up assholes, stop turning things into bigger deals than they are.
This Is One Crazy Bitch
http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/wife-burns-cheating-husbands-penis-in-order-to-save-her-marriage/story-e6frfku0-1226039800380
Wow, I definitely would not want to fuck with this lady. Her husband was cheating on her, so she burned his dick off. In this attempt, not only did she burn his dick off, she also burned their fucking house down and is now going to prison. Girls, when are you going to learn that just leaving a cheating man will work out better for you in the long run? Cutting, or in this case burning their dicks off is probably a bad idea since this is what we would call a "criminal offense". Meaning that if you get caught you're going to jail. I'm sure somewhere in this woman's head, burning this guys dick off sounded like the greatest idea since sliced bread. However, now she'll be in jail for manslaughter hanging out with women who look like Rosie O'Donnell on steroids and she will be the sliced bread. Don't know how much sense that makes but I'm sticking with it anyway.
Wow, I definitely would not want to fuck with this lady. Her husband was cheating on her, so she burned his dick off. In this attempt, not only did she burn his dick off, she also burned their fucking house down and is now going to prison. Girls, when are you going to learn that just leaving a cheating man will work out better for you in the long run? Cutting, or in this case burning their dicks off is probably a bad idea since this is what we would call a "criminal offense". Meaning that if you get caught you're going to jail. I'm sure somewhere in this woman's head, burning this guys dick off sounded like the greatest idea since sliced bread. However, now she'll be in jail for manslaughter hanging out with women who look like Rosie O'Donnell on steroids and she will be the sliced bread. Don't know how much sense that makes but I'm sticking with it anyway.
Asshole Of The Day Award (With Mugshot)
I guess this guy was hungry?
http://weblogs.sun-sentinel.com/news/specials/weirdflorida/blog/2011/04/cops_burglar_stocks_up_on_110.html
Either this guy was really hungry, or he just really likes frozen TV dinners. Because when you rob a house of 110 of those frozen TV dinners, you are a real fucking loser. By the way, if you read the article I can't tell whether or not they're joking around or being serious just based on the part that says, "Luckily the cops caught up to him before the food thawed." I want to meet this reporter; who the fuck writes shit like that? It's not a blog, it's a news story. You report the facts guy, I make fun of the facts. It's not the other way around. Regardless, frozen TV dinner guy, you sir are our Asshole of the Day.
Sidenote: Can you look at that picture for a second? How fucked up does this guy look? And sweet beard bro, you ever hear of a razor?
http://weblogs.sun-sentinel.com/news/specials/weirdflorida/blog/2011/04/cops_burglar_stocks_up_on_110.html
Either this guy was really hungry, or he just really likes frozen TV dinners. Because when you rob a house of 110 of those frozen TV dinners, you are a real fucking loser. By the way, if you read the article I can't tell whether or not they're joking around or being serious just based on the part that says, "Luckily the cops caught up to him before the food thawed." I want to meet this reporter; who the fuck writes shit like that? It's not a blog, it's a news story. You report the facts guy, I make fun of the facts. It's not the other way around. Regardless, frozen TV dinner guy, you sir are our Asshole of the Day.
Sidenote: Can you look at that picture for a second? How fucked up does this guy look? And sweet beard bro, you ever hear of a razor?
Friday: Would You Do Her?
This is a trial run to see what people think but for the first ever Would You Do Her we have Fire the midget stripper. She has the upper half of a midget and the lower half of a 220 pound football player. Would I do her? This is tough, because this poll is not like our Tuesday poll that requires how much alcohol it would take. This is totally sober. Fuck it, why not? Yeah, I would probably do this little gremlin stripper. In 20 years, it won't matter anyway. So I ask you: Would you do her?
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Phil Hughes Get It Together Bro
Hey Hughes did you forget which New York team's jersey you're wearing? You're a Yankee not a Met. Before tonight's game your stats for this year were 6 innings pitched, 12 hits, 11 runs, 3 home runs, 4 walks, 1 fucking strikeout and a 16.50 ERA. That was before tonight. Tonight your line was 4 1/3, 7 hits, 5 runs, 1 home run and 2 strikeouts. And this actually dropped your ERA to a miniscule 13.94. What the fuck is up bro? You won 18 games last year. I watch the Yankees because watching the Mets is like watching an abortion at this point. Give me some good baseball to watch. Figure it out. Stop throwing dick shots to guys like Brian Roberts that get absolutely pissed on. Playing for the Yanks is a what have you done for me lately fan base. You can't just hang your hat on last year because they will boo you out of that stadium, I promise you.
Pre Game Song Of The Weekend
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIh5AHxh-Ok
This week I'm going with Party Rock Anthem for the pre game song of the weekend. It's especially for you college seniors out there as the year winds down, you're drinking more and might have had a rough couple of nights or two. This songs beat gives you that pick me up that you need to say, "Fuck it, let's rage." So here it is, pre gaming all weekend long with Party Rock Anthem.
This week I'm going with Party Rock Anthem for the pre game song of the weekend. It's especially for you college seniors out there as the year winds down, you're drinking more and might have had a rough couple of nights or two. This songs beat gives you that pick me up that you need to say, "Fuck it, let's rage." So here it is, pre gaming all weekend long with Party Rock Anthem.
If You're Going To Kill Your Wife, Delete The Evidence Off Your Computer
Sheer Genius...
http://www.patspapers.com/story_stack/item/saved_google_map_images_show_body_location/
So, if you kill your wife, make sure you take the evidence off of your hard drive with the google earth image of where the body is. How stupid are these people? If you get away with killing anyone for more than a day, just flee the fucking country because you're eventually getting caught. If you're just your typical average Joe, you're not getting away with murder. The only one to pull that off was a man named OJ, and it hasn't happened since. Today should have just been dedicated to people who don't use their heads, because the stories I've found today baffle me with their stupidity.
Sidenote: Why would you google earth the image of where you buried the body? Do you have Alzheimer's that you can't remember something as important as that?
http://www.patspapers.com/story_stack/item/saved_google_map_images_show_body_location/
So, if you kill your wife, make sure you take the evidence off of your hard drive with the google earth image of where the body is. How stupid are these people? If you get away with killing anyone for more than a day, just flee the fucking country because you're eventually getting caught. If you're just your typical average Joe, you're not getting away with murder. The only one to pull that off was a man named OJ, and it hasn't happened since. Today should have just been dedicated to people who don't use their heads, because the stories I've found today baffle me with their stupidity.
Sidenote: Why would you google earth the image of where you buried the body? Do you have Alzheimer's that you can't remember something as important as that?
Guys: What Your Drunk Girlfriend Is Doing When You’re Not Around
Sitting around at bars and parties and just observing everything going on gives me some great blog topics. This one I’ve noticed for a while but it has taken me a while to piece it all together. Why do girls with boyfriends turn into attention whores when they get drunk? Guys, don’t think “Not my girlfriend”, because I tell you this: Yes, it is your girlfriend. I’m trying not to put this on all girls, but you make it very hard not to point all of you out on this one.
At a bar, for example, you see a bunch of people you know. Then you see a girl without her boyfriend. You think to yourself, “Just for shits and giggles, let me see how she acts without the boyfriend.” Then you watch and notice that she acts single. Why does this happen? You have a boyfriend hunny, why are you swinging from this guys nut sack like you’re trying to get with him? Because, they rarely actually cheat, but they do everything else. What is everything else? Talk, flirt, get close, maybe give away a number and then answer the text message the next day. And trust me, she will answer the text.
Then there is also the other example of the girl with the boyfriend. When she first goes out, she’s quiet and content with just hanging with some of her girls. Suddenly, a couple of drinks and she’s surrounded by so many guys it might as well be a bukkake circle. Once again, we have a girl with a boyfriend who gets drunk and becomes an attention whore with every dude in the place.
Here’s my theory on this one. I think girls do this shit just to see if they still have it. Like maybe it’s a self-esteem booster to see if they can still get guys. It has to be, there’s no other reason for it. Am I saying guys don’t kind of do the same shit, no but it’s to way less of an extent. We don’t make our intentions look like we’re actually trying to cheat; we’re extremely suave about it. Girls, you need practice.
So guys who have girlfriends, don’t think that just because it’s your girl that she doesn’t do shit like this. She does, because when you’re not around she wants to see if she can still get a one night stand, without actually getting the one night stand. So good luck boys, keep your eyes open because you never know what’s going on behind your back.
At a bar, for example, you see a bunch of people you know. Then you see a girl without her boyfriend. You think to yourself, “Just for shits and giggles, let me see how she acts without the boyfriend.” Then you watch and notice that she acts single. Why does this happen? You have a boyfriend hunny, why are you swinging from this guys nut sack like you’re trying to get with him? Because, they rarely actually cheat, but they do everything else. What is everything else? Talk, flirt, get close, maybe give away a number and then answer the text message the next day. And trust me, she will answer the text.
Then there is also the other example of the girl with the boyfriend. When she first goes out, she’s quiet and content with just hanging with some of her girls. Suddenly, a couple of drinks and she’s surrounded by so many guys it might as well be a bukkake circle. Once again, we have a girl with a boyfriend who gets drunk and becomes an attention whore with every dude in the place.
Here’s my theory on this one. I think girls do this shit just to see if they still have it. Like maybe it’s a self-esteem booster to see if they can still get guys. It has to be, there’s no other reason for it. Am I saying guys don’t kind of do the same shit, no but it’s to way less of an extent. We don’t make our intentions look like we’re actually trying to cheat; we’re extremely suave about it. Girls, you need practice.
So guys who have girlfriends, don’t think that just because it’s your girl that she doesn’t do shit like this. She does, because when you’re not around she wants to see if she can still get a one night stand, without actually getting the one night stand. So good luck boys, keep your eyes open because you never know what’s going on behind your back.
Coors Light In A Coffee Cup, Just Another Day In The Life
The Asshole of the Day gets harder as the week goes on, I'm going to start needing multiple awards with guys like this...
http://www.metrowestdailynews.com/news/x1302185340/Prosecutor-says-Natick-man-had-beer-in-coffee-cup-when-he-crashed
When you're putting beer in your coffee cup to drive to work in the morning, I think it's time to admit you have a drinking problem. Obviously, we know how this one ended, the asshole crashed his car. I mean drinking and driving at the same time is a totally different level than just drinking and then driving afterwards. I'm not condoning either one, I'm just saying, COME ON MAN! Get a clue, you really can't hold out to drink after work? AA is calling your name big guy, you better get going.
http://www.metrowestdailynews.com/news/x1302185340/Prosecutor-says-Natick-man-had-beer-in-coffee-cup-when-he-crashed
When you're putting beer in your coffee cup to drive to work in the morning, I think it's time to admit you have a drinking problem. Obviously, we know how this one ended, the asshole crashed his car. I mean drinking and driving at the same time is a totally different level than just drinking and then driving afterwards. I'm not condoning either one, I'm just saying, COME ON MAN! Get a clue, you really can't hold out to drink after work? AA is calling your name big guy, you better get going.
This Guy Knows How To Party
He's old enough...to party...
http://www.wlsam.com/Article.asp?id=2160483&spid=
The police just happen to walk into a bathroom and what do you know? This guy is standing there with his pants around his ankles, taking a piss and drinking a bottle of brandy. If you drink straight brandy, you're no joke of a drinker. You actually might have some serious alcohol problems. It might have been better if he was standing there drinking while pissing himself, but still, this guy knows how to party. Another good note, when cops tried to help him get his pants up, his pants actually fell three times before they figured it out. There really are some interesting people out in this world.
http://www.wlsam.com/Article.asp?id=2160483&spid=
The police just happen to walk into a bathroom and what do you know? This guy is standing there with his pants around his ankles, taking a piss and drinking a bottle of brandy. If you drink straight brandy, you're no joke of a drinker. You actually might have some serious alcohol problems. It might have been better if he was standing there drinking while pissing himself, but still, this guy knows how to party. Another good note, when cops tried to help him get his pants up, his pants actually fell three times before they figured it out. There really are some interesting people out in this world.
I Think This Kid's Getting A Bad Rap...
Hmmm...
http://www.suntimes.com/4814786-417/portage-teen-uses-girls-nude-photo-as-threat-for-not-getting-sax.html
He got arrested for possessing child porn because he told some girl if she didn't let him use her saxophone he would send people the naked pictures of her. Is it really this kids fault that this girl felt the need to be a little slut and send pictures of herself naked to him? I don't think so. Arrest the girl for sending child porn, at least make this fair. This kid's getting a bad deal on this one. Although I will say that's a little much over a saxophone, I could see if it was something a little more important like blowing him. But hey, either way this broads at fault in my eyes.
http://www.suntimes.com/4814786-417/portage-teen-uses-girls-nude-photo-as-threat-for-not-getting-sax.html
He got arrested for possessing child porn because he told some girl if she didn't let him use her saxophone he would send people the naked pictures of her. Is it really this kids fault that this girl felt the need to be a little slut and send pictures of herself naked to him? I don't think so. Arrest the girl for sending child porn, at least make this fair. This kid's getting a bad deal on this one. Although I will say that's a little much over a saxophone, I could see if it was something a little more important like blowing him. But hey, either way this broads at fault in my eyes.
Asshole Of The Day Award
Tough decision today with two real asshole's but I decided on this one...
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/news/head-39226-police-beach.html
Relax bro, no need to get all bent out of shape because they couldn't find the cap to your dry eraser. It's a crowded bar, you're asking them to look for a needle in a haystack. But instead of just shaking it off, you decide you're going to threaten to kill everyone and then proceed to resist arrest and head butt a police van. How'd that turn out for you man? Probably not to good. Enjoy the jail time my man, it should be a fun one.
Sidenote: And what exactly were you doing with a bullwhip?
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/news/head-39226-police-beach.html
Relax bro, no need to get all bent out of shape because they couldn't find the cap to your dry eraser. It's a crowded bar, you're asking them to look for a needle in a haystack. But instead of just shaking it off, you decide you're going to threaten to kill everyone and then proceed to resist arrest and head butt a police van. How'd that turn out for you man? Probably not to good. Enjoy the jail time my man, it should be a fun one.
Sidenote: And what exactly were you doing with a bullwhip?
Thursday: Drinking Game Of The Week
This week's drinking game is an old time favorite...Asshole
This is a slightly more complex game, but very, very fun when mastered. This game requires a minimum of 5 people to play. High boot factor.
The first hand of asshole is the establishing hand. This will decide who is the President, V-Pres, Normal People, and the Asshole for the next round.
Approxiametly 6 or 7 cards are dealt to each player, depending on the number playing this can be higher or lower. The rank of the cards is as follows (most powerful to least powerful) 2, A, K, Q, ... 4, and 3.
Some is chosen to go first and they play a card, the next person has two options:
For example, if a 4 is lead, a next player must play HIGHER than a 4, the the next player has to play higher than that. A new hand starts when all players pass, or when someone plays a 2 (the most powerful card). The last person to play a card, leads the next hand.
This proceeds until all players are rid of their cards. The first player out of cards is the Pres for the next round, the next out becomes the VP, the next players out are normal, and the last person out is the Asshole.
However lets say that the person leading has two 5's, this person may play them both, then the next player must play two of the same card HIGHER than five; this player cannot play one card or three cards, only two. As well, three, or even four, of the same card may be lead. The only time a player may lay one card in a situation like this is if it is a two (the power card); a single two, beats everything, and the hand ends followed by a new lead.
The roles for each player are as follows:
Play as many rounds as desired.
This is a slightly more complex game, but very, very fun when mastered. This game requires a minimum of 5 people to play. High boot factor.
The first hand of asshole is the establishing hand. This will decide who is the President, V-Pres, Normal People, and the Asshole for the next round.
Approxiametly 6 or 7 cards are dealt to each player, depending on the number playing this can be higher or lower. The rank of the cards is as follows (most powerful to least powerful) 2, A, K, Q, ... 4, and 3.
Some is chosen to go first and they play a card, the next person has two options:
- to play a card higher than (but not the same) as the previous card.
- or to pass on that turn.
For example, if a 4 is lead, a next player must play HIGHER than a 4, the the next player has to play higher than that. A new hand starts when all players pass, or when someone plays a 2 (the most powerful card). The last person to play a card, leads the next hand.
This proceeds until all players are rid of their cards. The first player out of cards is the Pres for the next round, the next out becomes the VP, the next players out are normal, and the last person out is the Asshole.
However lets say that the person leading has two 5's, this person may play them both, then the next player must play two of the same card HIGHER than five; this player cannot play one card or three cards, only two. As well, three, or even four, of the same card may be lead. The only time a player may lay one card in a situation like this is if it is a two (the power card); a single two, beats everything, and the hand ends followed by a new lead.
The roles for each player are as follows:
- President:
- can make any player drink at any time, no-one may make the President drink but self. The Pres is the first player to start each round (benefits of power). And the Pres should never have to refill own beer.
- Vice President:
- can make any player drink at any time (except Pres), the only the Pres or self can make the VP drink. The VP goes second in each round.
- Normal People:
- These players can make each other drink as well as the Asshole. They play in the order they finished the previous round; first normal out follows the VP, second normal out follows first, etc.
- Asshole:
- for many reasons, this player is truly the Asshole. This player has to do all dealing of cards, all sweeping of cards after the hands, and can not make any other player drink. The asshole plays last in each round.
Play as many rounds as desired.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Barry Bonds Guilty Of Obstruction
At least he's getting something...
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=6347014
Maximum sentence for obstruction of justice is 10 years, but this lying sack of shit is looking at 15-21 months of getting banged in the ass. Listen bro, you came into the league at 6'0 185 and ended up at 6'2 230 with your hat size growing two sizes. It's not like you weren't getting caught. Get real. That doesn't happen passed the age of 18 that you grow two inches in height and your head gets bigger. Only downside is that your boys in jail are going to be a little upset that your balls are the size of apple seeds. Have fun big guy, make sure you have some vaseline.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=6347014
Maximum sentence for obstruction of justice is 10 years, but this lying sack of shit is looking at 15-21 months of getting banged in the ass. Listen bro, you came into the league at 6'0 185 and ended up at 6'2 230 with your hat size growing two sizes. It's not like you weren't getting caught. Get real. That doesn't happen passed the age of 18 that you grow two inches in height and your head gets bigger. Only downside is that your boys in jail are going to be a little upset that your balls are the size of apple seeds. Have fun big guy, make sure you have some vaseline.
Mets Caption Contest
I have decided that from now on every week I am going to have a New York Mets caption contest. This week it's my new favorite bullpen member to shit on, Bobby Parnell...
What is Bobby Parnell thinking? Send your captions to hammer41blog@gmail.com and I will put up the best one next Tuesday.
What is Bobby Parnell thinking? Send your captions to hammer41blog@gmail.com and I will put up the best one next Tuesday.
Video Of The Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvFSgXpyhoM
I thought this was so funny (thank you Frank). But there is no way that this could be a real commercial. If this is a real commercial, there's no way it aired and someone is a sick bastard for thinking of it. Either way, this is great and I hope you enjoyed it.
I thought this was so funny (thank you Frank). But there is no way that this could be a real commercial. If this is a real commercial, there's no way it aired and someone is a sick bastard for thinking of it. Either way, this is great and I hope you enjoyed it.
This Is God Playing A Mean Trick On You
So shitty...
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/04/12/newspaper-misprint-leads-colo-couple-think-won-43m-lottery-148802566/?test=latestnews
How pissed off would you be if you looked in the paper, saw that you had the winning lottery numbers, and then found out two days later that they printed out the wrong numbers? I think I would cry, then go down to the paper and fight every person who worked there. That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. Like this isn't even a swift kick in the nuts, it's like getting a sledge hammer to the nuts. Would have been the greatest April Fool's of all time if it had happened on April 1st. But now it's just mean.
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/04/12/newspaper-misprint-leads-colo-couple-think-won-43m-lottery-148802566/?test=latestnews
How pissed off would you be if you looked in the paper, saw that you had the winning lottery numbers, and then found out two days later that they printed out the wrong numbers? I think I would cry, then go down to the paper and fight every person who worked there. That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. Like this isn't even a swift kick in the nuts, it's like getting a sledge hammer to the nuts. Would have been the greatest April Fool's of all time if it had happened on April 1st. But now it's just mean.
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