I have a gripe to settle with how people name hurricanes. They sort their way through the alphabet with each tropical storm and the names always suck. Hurricane Irene does not sound the least bit terrifying. So what I am going to do is come up with new names for Hurricanes. But I am going to name them by their category. Each name will be universal for each category. It's a much simpler process.
Category 1: Hurricane Bring Your Shit In The House, It's Fucking Windy
This one isn't that bad. It's windy as shit, and you might lose power. Your house isn't going anywhere though so there's really no big need to panic. Put the shit in your backyard away to keep it from flying into your neighbors window and then go inside and ride it out. It won't be that bad.
Category 2: Hurricane Shit Just Got Real
This one's a more intense than the first one. Winds over 100mph and you might lose some of your roof. You'll definitely lose your screen doors. Board up your windows, it's gonna be a rough one.
Category 3: Hurricane Holy Shit
Now it's intense. You're probably going to have to evacuate because your house is going to look like Godzilla took a bite out of it. Hopefully you have hurricane homeowner's insurance.
Category 4: Hurricane Hide Ya Wife, Hide Ya Kids, Hide Ya Husbands Because It's Raping Everybody Out Here
Winds between 131 and 155mph are no joke. Get out of town as fast as you can and say goodbye to your house because it's not gonna be there when you get back.
Category 5: Hurricane Put Your Head Between Your Legs And Kiss Your Ass Goodbye
Winds over 155mph and you'll need Noah's Arc to get around for like two weeks. Just get in your car and drive as fast as you can as far away as possible.
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