Things I Would Do For $500 Million

 

With the New York Mega Millions being up to $500 million I figured why not write a blog of the things I would do for that amount of money. This could get graphic and gross, but I guarantee you that all of you mother fuckers would do everything that I mention. So without further ado...

Things I Would Do For $500 Million:

Have sex with any of the following animals: Goat, monkey, lamb, dog and Sarah Jessica Parker

Drink a two liter bottle of horse semen

Give a colonoscopy to the guy from Man vs Food 

Take one pump in the ass from Lexington Steele 

Take a punch from Mike Tyson in his prime

Let Jerry Sandusky inappropriately touch me in the shower

Root for Tim Tebow

Laugh at Jay Leno's jokes

Go sparring with a grizzly bear

Eat cow testicles and love every second of it

Have sober sex with Brittany Griner

Say that cheerleading is a sport

Eat off of a porter potty

Get tazed in my nuts

Drink a double shot of vomit

Turn down a blowjob from Mila Kunis

Kick a baby in the face

Go streaking on the track during a Nascar race

Drink the whole bottle of hot sauce form Halal Guys

Drink ex lax and try to eat an entire pizza

Go swimming with sharks

Make a deal that I will never see the Mets win a world series (not that I will anyway)

Get a rusty trombone from Ellen Degeneres 

Drink a cup of Aretha Franklin's sweat

Make out with a dude, any dude, it's not gay if it's for $500 million

Block a slap shot with my face from Zdeno Chara

Eat a little cup of yellow snow like it was a lemon ice

Eat some squirrels with Larry The Cable Guy

Bite the head off a live fish

Punch Brandi from Storage Wars right in the face

Bang Snooki at her fattest

Bang Deena from Jersey Shore (she is currently at her fattest)

Hang out with the Situation and pretend he's intelligent

Apologize to Lindsey Lohan for all my alcoholic, drug addict, crack whore remarks

Fight the Dos Equis guy

Take a round house kick to the face from Chuck Norris

And finally...

Let Holly Mangold sit on my face, sweaty and all right after a weight lifting competition