Fat People: Please Stop Making New Year's Gym Resolutions

It's that time of year again.  The time that every in-shape person dreads all year long: Fatties start getting gym memberships.  Now before you all start firing hate mail at me, just listen to what I have to say.  I don't consider myself a world class expert on workouts or diets.  I usually grab sugar loaded coffee and donuts on my way home from the gym.  That being said I do work out everyday and like to stick to a schedule.  So imagine what it's like for me when I have the same workout schedule for 11 months out of the year and then every January the gym turns into the DMV.  Here, I'll paint the fat people a picture: Imagine your favorite fast food restaurant you hit up everyday.  You drive through, get your double big mac and fries and are on your merry little way.  Now imagine that one day hundreds of skinny people turn up at your favorite fast food restaurant, don't know what's on the menu, don't know how to order anything, and then end up getting salads.  THAT'S WHAT THE GYM IS LIKE FOR SKINNY PEOPLE IN JANUARY.  There's lines, you can't find shit, and NO ONE FUCKING KNOWS HOW TO CLEAN A GODDAMN TREADMILL.  It's called a paper towel: use it.  And so help me god if you are one of those people that takes the  spray bottle and carries it around with you, you deserve to be strung up by your ankles and beaten with dumbbells until you pass out in your own tub of lard you inconsiderate son of bitch.

But hey, despite that ridiculous rant I'm not an unreasonable person.  I understand that there are people out there that legitimately make new years resolutions to lose weight and stick with it.  I've never met one of these people but my mom tells me I'm a bitch for saying shit like this so I have a very easy solution to all these problems.  Actually I have to give my sister credit for thinking of it but the concept is very simple. It's called "Pop-up" gyms. Have gyms that are only open in January and March (for the girls that decide they can shed 50lbs in 1 week before spring break, idiots).  These gyms require that you set a health goal and that you actually do shit while you are there.  You learn how to properly use and clean equipment.  At the end of the month you can apply to go to a real gym where you get to workout next to nice, attractive people instead of the new years fatties that fall off the edge of the earth when they realize that working out is actually work.

Let me just end this post by saying I don't really care what month, day, or hour you join a gym. If you are legitimately there to work out and get healthy, then by all means I'll gladly wait an extra 15 minutes to get on a machine. If your form sucks at first that's fine too, if you stick around past January I'm sure some nice person will help show you how to do it right.  But if you show up, WALK your whale ass on a treadmill while talking to your friend on the phone about the cookies you're going to eat when you get home (yes this actually happened) then don't call me a bitch for telling you to get the fuck off the treadmill.  Amen sista.