As some of you might know, I recently accomplished a life long dream of mine by moving to Boston, and I am determined to make it the best fucking time ever because in my eyes there is nothing better than living here. THAT being said, there is some serious shit I wasn’t prepared for in moving to a city. I knew it was going to be tough, not just because like every other 20 something year old I’m broke as shit (insert blame politics/economy/anyone statement here), but because life always has a way of handing you your dreams with a little hey-fuck-you! in there. Kind of like when you finally hook up with that hot chick only to find out she has herpes….anyways, here’s my list of shit that sucks in the city.
Bikers- FUCK OFF. That’s what I have to say to all you stupid bikers out there. I think if you have to obey the rules of the road, you should be able to travel the speed of the cars on the road. And it’s always fucking hipsters. I used to love hipsters, give me a guy with skinny jeans and glasses and I say you can scream my name before the sex was cool. But moving here has made me hate them. I don’t feel like waiting 10 minutes to take a right because you wanted to pretend to be Aunty Em and ride to Whole Foods with your little wicker basket ya bitch.
Parking- Anyone in Boston or New York can relate to this. It get’s to the point where you think “where the hell are all these cars coming from?” I swear some secret agent force is secretly filling up the streets with cars. If we put all the money cities made from parking tickets into the deficit, we’d be out of debt in no time. Instead, cities put their money into ninja training an elite force of god forsaken meter maids to prowl the streets at 3am. Nothing, not wind nor rain nor begging broke college kids will stop them from raining orange paper on your ass.
No parking, drunkenness ensues- Parking is a bitch, but having public transportation as your own personal party bus on the weekends can also lead to bad outcomes. Nothing says classy like slugging vodka out of a water bottle on the T. And since no one has to be a sober driver, there is also no longer the one friend there that says “guys this is a bad idea.” Next thing you know, you wake up in the back of a cab with a response to a booty call text you don’t remember sending….uh, I mean I’ve just heard that’s what happens.
College girls- All the guys reading this are like “yo, the best part of living in the city is watching hot college chicks run by.” No it’s fucking not. If you’re an adult chick living in the city, watching Pam Andersons stunt double run by in a “Go BU!” sports bra makes you want to punch her in the face as she’s running by. Not all of us go to class once a week and have time to work off the slut sweat that comes with college.
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