Ok first off I have to say I hate this fucking holiday. I don't hate it because I'm single, I hate it because other people around me are single. It was bad enough I had to listen to Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" for the past 48 hours, but then every time I opened Facebook I saw 800 status updates that were either people bitching about being alone or gushing over how much they loved their hunky-poo. Cut that shit out its gross. Then you get the idiots that are like "Valentines Day is so commercialized, if you love someone you should show them everyday!" Ladies, when was the last time you dated a guy that got you flowers and chocolate and treated you like a Queen everyday? Oh yea that's right, NEVER. Cut them some slack, guys need a reminder every few months that if they want to keep getting blow jobs they should do something nice for us.
So what do women what on Valentines day? Only one thing: for it to be all about us. That's right guys, this is a holiday for women, not couples and definitely not you. Sure we'll get you something nice and dress up in a little outfit, but that outfit isn't for you. It's for us to remind you how lucky you are that you get to have sex with us. This is the one day a year where you have to be our total bitch. You know why? Because any other day of the year if we want you to be all mushy and romantic either you're friends are going to say you're whipped, or you're going to say "she's crazy" (anyone who saw the crazy post the other day knows what I'm talking about). So this is your big chance to show us that sensitive side without your friends calling you a pussy for the rest of the year. This is the only get out of jail free card men should have "I cooked her dinner and got her flowers, but it was Valentines day….so uh…yea that means I'm not a pussy…and I'm totally gonna bone her later!" *Man high five*
But guys, I understand you're under a lot of pressure. Go too far with it by turning her bedroom into a scene from Twilight, and yea she's going to think you're crazy. Run out and just get her flowers and a box of chocolates you're going to get shit for not being original. For those of you bitching about women being difficult, stop right there because this isn't hard to figure out. First off, order her flowers a week ahead of time and have them delivered to her school or her work on the big day. Why a week ahead? Because we are women and we know the difference between ordered flowers and the back pile ones you get on sale at Walmart. Also, she will get to show off that someone loves her to all the Duffs she works with, increasing her self confidence and likelihood she'll dress up for you later. Next, find something original she likes and put it in the gift somewhere. All women like chocolate, so buy her candy shaped like her favorite animal or something. This will show you actually put thought into it and care about something more than the fact that she plays with your balls. If you can't think of anything she likes, then you are a douchebag and better get your ass to the Kays and buy her some jewelry. It's not original, but the more expensive it is the less likely she'll bitch about it.
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