The Late Night Special

It's only fitting that our first post of 2013 is everybody's favorite nightly treat: The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Alcohol, lots of it

Late Night Programming: The Honeymooners

Late Night Song: Viva La Vida by Coldplay

Fun Fact: We survived the Mayan Apocalypse and now it's 2013 (yeah I fucking mailed that one in)

Late Night Video:

The Final Post of 2012...

Well this is it for 2012, I have almost officially been doing shitty blogs for two years now. Let me just say thank you to everyone who actually reads this shit. I know I piss off a lot of people (especially women) like all the time but I appreciate you coming back and reading what I have to say.

The year in review can basically be summed up by this picture:

 

The only thing really missing is the apocalypse in the background. So there it is, we are done for 2012, the Late Night Special will be up at midnight and will be our first post of 2013. I encourage you all to spread the word and tell all your friends about this and make me rich. And then I will throw raging parties that you're all invited to. Big shout outs to Jimbo Slice who won the NFL Picks season, B Slata for being awesome and Slothy for being one of the biggest assholes on the planet. Another big shout out to the man, the myth, the legend Johnny Ebs and of course Frank the Tank (he knows who he is). Blacking out is encouraged tonight and as always BE AWESOME. Happy fucking New Year everyone. 

See Ya, Mike!

JETS FIRE MIKE TANENBAUM, REX RYAN STAYS.

Blow it all to hell!!!!!!! Guess what Mike? You're gone! You wanna know why you're gone? Here, let me break it down for you.

1) You signed Tim Tebow in the offseason. For what? To run that really efficient Wildcat? Guess what buddy, that didn't work.

2) You picked Tony Sparano to be the new OC!! Why'd you do that? Because he's the Wildcat guru? Guess what?? That didn't work out at all! (Tony Sparano will be the next one out the door).

3) You kept Wayne Hunter on your team until the 3rd preseason game! Did you not watch any game film from last year? Was there any doubt that the position of right tackle needed to be addressed? Apparently there was? Because you waited until the last minute to get rid of Wayne Hunter and got Austin Howard...who also sucks.

4) You have ZERO dynamic running backs. Hey Mike, why do you think Alfred Morris is so effective? You think it's because he's as talented as Adrian Peterson? Umm, no. Maybe it's because he's got Robert Griffin to play off of. Remember how good the tandem was when you had Thomas Jones and LT? Goddamn, I wonder why that worked! NO you say! I don't want that! Let's have Bilal Powell and Shonn Greene do the exact same thing!

5) Why did you give Mark Sanchez that much money? Why did you commit to him for more than one year. Why, Michael, why!!

6) Unfortunately when you're mediocre in this league it means that you have zero clue what you're doing. Thanks for the 6-10 record. Now we can draft someone shitty. Or maybe, like Bellichek does, we can draft well.


Sidenote: Rex deserves to stay. To get 6 wins with this roster is absurd. Talent wise, this is one of the top 5 worst teams in the NFL (offensively).

NFL Picks Week 17

One game separates all of us from winning the most coveted title in the history of the internet. It's so coveted, I don't even have a name for it.

Standings:

Daddy: 34-35-1
Jimbo Slice: 33-36-1
Slothy: 33-36-1

This Week's Games:

Eagles at Giants (-7.5)
Dolphins at Pats (-10)
Texans (-7) at Colts
Packers (-3) at Vikings
Cowboys at Redskins (-3)

Picks

Daddy: Eagles, Pats, Texans, Packers, Cowboys
Jimbo Slice: Eagles, Pats, Colts, Vikings, Redskins
Slothy: Giants, Dolphins, Texans, Packers, Redskins

Drunk Story Saturday's: The First Time I Met Her Family

Drunk Story from Tim (NYC):
"It was the first time I was meeting my girlfriend's family and her family lived right across the street from a golf course. It was her uncles house and I was drinking with her uncle and her cousins all day. We were pounding beers and drinking out of a peach tree, which in laymen's terms is just a huge bucket of beach schnapps. So add beers to cupfuls of peach schnapps and it's a bad mix. None of us felt drunk and we started walking down the hill to the golf carts. The problem with that is that we very quickly realized how fucked up we were and realized that we couldn't walk. What do you do when you can't walk? You start running. What happens when you start running? The blood starts flowing and you have to take a piss. I went back across the street to her uncles house to piss and then I woke up next to the toilet bowl. Her cousin and her aunt were checking my pulse, they had to take the door off the hinges to get into the bathroom, and then they blamed her cousin for the whole thing. What a way to meet the family."

I don't have anything to say other than that's fucking awesome. Good day to you good sir.

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Ham and Pineapple Pizza

Late Night Programming: Rescue Me

Late Night Song: Sweet Nothing by Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch

Fun Fact: 58% of men say they are happier after their divorce...Is that really a surprise to anyone?

Late Night Video:

Men, Just Add This to the List of Things We Can't Do

 Yeah great, good for these ladies. If any of us men tried to pull this shit we would be in handcuffs within seconds. But for women it's cool. They can just lift up each other's skirts and take full on HD photos of each other's ass with probably a little vijay jay slip in there. Just add this to the list of things that men cannot do. I would pay some big money to be that camera lens right now. If I was that camera lens I would probably also have my tongue sticking out and creeping towards this chicks ass. But hey, I'm only allowed to imagine doing that. These ladies are living it.

She Caught Him Red Handed

Last night I witnessed one of the greatest flip outs of all time. A chick caught the dude she was talking to while he was in the act of trying to nail some other chick. It was quite awesome to watch and also hilarious. This girl was stupid enough to think they were more than just fuck buddies, meanwhile he gave every signal to say she was nothing more. The flip out that occurred made me feel a little bit better about only making $100 on the night.

This dude was literally all over some chick the ENTIRE night. It was a going away party for a girl going back to law school and he made it clear from early on he wanted her to know that he was and has been totally into her for a while. The only problem was the chick that he clearly only uses to bang showed up later in the night.

When she showed up the guy paid zero attention to her. He was all over the other chick and made it clear that he really didn't want anything to do with his fuck buddy. His actions said, "I just fuck you, now leave me alone." The chick on the other hand didn't get the memo. He made the mistake of telling her where he was and she showed up absolutely annihilated with her friend. And then while he was laying the mack down to the chick he really wanted, she was hanging from his balls like a sloth hangs from a tree branch.

After the 45 minute mark of being ignored, the chick who is the fuck buddy went ape shit. She started flipping out telling him what an asshole he is and he bitched out saying, "She's just my best friend, it's nothing." Yeah bro, you sounded so convincing. When he left the fuck buddy wasted no time in calling him to yell instead of chasing him out the door. Now I can't blame the guy for a couple of reasons here.

One, he didn't tell her to come, he just told her where he was and she showed up. Two, he never sent any signals that she was anything more than "that girl he fucks", she's the one who went psycho and thought it was more. His main mistake here was saying that the other girl was, "just his best friend". We all know that means, "she's the girl I'm trying to wife up, you're just an option to get my dick wet when I'm drunk." He was caught in the act, but it was her fault for misreading the situation. What's the lesson here? Don't tell your fuck buddy where you are when you're out on the town.

Guys, Don't Unhook Her Bra at the Bar

There are many unwritten do's and don'ts when you are out in a public place. Two guys can't go to the bathroom together, don't get caught staring at that chick's cleavage and no the hot girl bartender really isn't interested in you. But what should be very high up on every guys list of what not to do at a bar should be unhooking a girl's bra while you're still there.

What is going through your mind that you would think it's totally okay to just slip your hand on her back and unhook the bra in front of a bunch of people? Why would you even think that this is remotely okay. Unless the girl is planning on taking you into the bathroom so you can have your way with her, this is going to end in the bare minimum of a slap to the face.

That's about the equivalent to her unzipping you at the bar while you're making out. Now yes it sounds awesome at first glance but do you really want your cock hanging out with a bunch of people around? I wouldn't totally think so. Unless you're sporting a nine inch softee, I don't think you want your cock just flopping around in front of people. So why would she want her tits falling out in front of everyone?

By doing this in public you totally justified her not banging you that not because now she's really not that type of girl. Not only that, but you just blew your shot all together with her. Save it for the bedroom, not for the bar. Unhooking the bra is a private, bedroom moment. Not a public, at the bar type of deal.

Sidenote: If you're wondering where this came from this is the beauty of being a bartender.

Every Girls Night Out Ever

This is literally every girls night out in the history of girls night out. Just a tidal wave of drunk messes hopping around from bar to bar looking to get fucked. The roll call was my favorite because it totally hit on my blog post from yesterday about the people who have no name when they called out the girl also known as "someone's cousin" the timing of me finding this video couldn't have been any more perfect.

In Florida Today

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/highschool-prep-rally/florida-youth-soccer-coach-ejected-giving-team-instructions-174707853.html

Youth soccer coach gets ejected from the game for A) kicking the shit out of the referee, B) hitting one of his players or C) speaking in Spanish? If you chose C, you my friend are correct. The coaches were warned not to give their team instructions in Spanish, the coaches apparently didn't understand since those instructions were given in English, and then the shit hit the fan. My question is what the fuck does it matter what language they're speaking in? The article said half the kids barely speak English so what did you want the guy to do? Start giving fucking smoke signals? I don't get it. But it's news out of Florida, what else do you expect?

Rex Ryan Thinks He's Better Off Getting Fired

http://www.rotoworld.com/headlines/nfl/252659/report-rex-would-accept-firing-if-no-changes

I hate talking about the Jets but that seems to be the favorite thing of everyone to do even when they're out of the playoffs. And I'm not talking about the Giants because they suck too. Anyway, Rex Ryan says that he is better off getting fired if the Jets don't upgrade the offense. Really? Do you know how much pull you have to have in the NFL to just sit there and be like, "Yeah, I'm better off just getting fired." The guy waited so long for a head coaching opportunity, he was furious when the Ravens chose Harbaugh over him, and now he's just going to accept being fired. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. But hey, it's the Jets, nothing surprises me anymore.

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Cookies and Creme Candy Bar

Late Night Programming: Criminal Minds

Late Night Song: Summer Jam by Jake Owen

Fun Fact: The spring thaw finally allows cemeteries in Alaska to start digging graves for people who died over the winter...Those bodies must smell so horrendous

Late Night Video:

The People Who Don't Have Names

 

Everyone knows those people who really don't have a name. It's that person who is a relative or friend of someone within your close group of friends. You like hanging out with them, they're an awesome time, but they come around so little that you never took the time to know what their actual name is. They have a name, but when they're around you they don't have a name. 

For instance, your best friend's cousin. The kid is perhaps the man and the most fun you have is when he comes around. You two talk like you know each other for years, buy each other drinks the whole night and probably end up banging roommates at the end of some nights. But that doesn't matter, he still doesn't have a name. He will still be known as "best friend's cousin". 

This even happens with girls. But for girls it's usually something like the girl she went to pre school with or the girl she grew up with. It's the hot girl who comes around every three months and takes the attention away from the normal group of friends. She never leaves with a guy but always ends up giving her number out. The girls of the group don't like her and when a guy asks one of them what the girl's name is they always put on a bitch face and say something like, "it's some girl my friend grew up with". 

You all know this is fucking true. We all have that person who makes occasional appearances in our lives who doesn't have a name. For guys, we love this person without a name. For women, they fucking hate it because they're the most jealous creatures on the planet. But love it or hate it, we all have to deal with it in some way so you might as well embrace it. 

Brooklyn Nets Fire Head Coach Avery Johnson

http://www.rotoworld.com/headlines/nba/194738/brooklyn-nets-fire-avery-johnson-as-coach

The Brooklyn Nets have had enough. After an 11-4 start and the NBA Coach of the Month for October-November the free fall that has been the Nets have fired their head coach, Avery Johnson. The Nets have gone 3-10 since that 11-4 start and it all culminated with an ugly blowout loss on Christmas day to the Boston Celtics. Also, there had been rumors circulating about an unhappy Deron Williams and a team that has Gerald Wallace, Joe Johnson, Brook Lopez and Williams playing together should be a top four team in the East. Also, the Nets owner tweeted out that there would be changes after the Christmas Day loss and this is the big change. Avery Johnson is replaceable though, they'll find a guy who can get Williams back to form and they'll turn it around. They have to, I can't lose this bet to Slothy.

The Task of Getting Your Girlfriends to Like Each Other

When a guy is the only one of his friends with a girlfriend and one of his friends finally get a new girlfriend the new task is to get your girlfriends to like each other. Why? Because you want to be able to hang out with your buddy and his girlfriend at the same time and if they end up hating each other then that shit is never going to work out.

Women don't realize how easy they have it. Guys can and will get along anytime no matter what. Guys will always find some type of level ground whether it's sports or just getting fucked up. Guys will always find a way. However, women don't have that much of an open mind.

Women can get mad at what the other girl is wearing, if she has a specific tone in her voice, if she says something dumb, it doesn't matter to them. Where men always find a way to get along, women find a way to nitpick on why they don't like each other. Even when they're getting ready to go out, they're getting ready to look better than each other, not to look good for their boyfriend.

So as for guys, the task of getting your girlfriends to like each other is way more difficult than our girlfriend getting us to like her friends boyfriend. Men will get along, women will not. Ladies, can't we all just get along?

Mark Sanchez Named Starter for Week 17...Wait, what?

Are the Jets serious?

I just don't get it. I really don't. I thought we were moving on from Sanchez. No one understands more than me that he isn't the root of the problem. It was proven last week that pretty much nobody has a chance with receivers who can't separate, a crap O-line, and a mediocre run game...but I thought it was also pretty much solidified that Sanchez's time in NY was over. Mcelroy, Tebow, Sanchez...they're the same thing! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it!

In Florida Today

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/strange/floriduh-blog/sfl-brawl-at-dennys-20121226,0,1218757.story

That thing all the way to the right is actually a woman. Moving on, what do you think this trio could have possibly done for all of them to have gotten tased and arrested? If your guess was start a brawl at a Denny's, then come on down you've just won a prize. From trying to throw tables and chairs at people to beating up women in booths, they did it all at Denny's and all ended up with some electricity flowing through their bodies and a nice fun filled night in prison. Oh Florida, you make my day.

I Just Knew My Day was Going to Suck

You know how I knew my day was going to suck? Was it waking up, feeling like absolute dog shit because I ate so poorly this holiday week? No. Didn't help. Was it not taking my morning shit? No. You know what it was?

It was this fucking thing that was sitting in my shoe waiting to stab through my foot. I felt like Marv from Home Alone stepping on the nail. Didn't need a coffee this morning, this woke me right up. Probably need a tetnis shot now. Pretty cool screw...just kidding, you're a loser screw! Nobody likes you and you're adopted, your parents don't even love you.

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Lemon Cookies

Late Night Programming: Extreme Yachts

Late Night Song: Long December by Counting Crows

Fun Fact: A snowflake can take up to an hour to fall from the cloud to the surface of the earth...That's pretty crazy now that I'm thinking about it.

Late Night Video:

The Babe Ruth of the Hood

I feel like this story needs to be shared with everyone around the world (aka the six people who read this blog). Because I know the Babe Ruth of the hood. He sat down and told me all his hood stories and his boy was there to back up every last detail. And let me tell you, if the stories are even 20% true this guy is the Babe Ruth of the hood.

Has he killed people before? I don't really know, he didn't admit to that but he's apparently a legend for many reasons. He is known only as "Big Homie" and if you refer to him as anything else while in the hood no one will know who you're talking about. But if you say "Big Homie" he is spoken about like Babe Ruth back in the day.

Does "Big Homie" slay bitches? Obviously, he's Big fucking Homie, he slays whatever he wants, whenever he wants. When the young gun rookies try pulling some shit in the hood, "Big Homie" is there to put them right back in their place. He's the Babe, he can't be touched, he holds every hood record and he did it all without steroids.

So do you really want to know how much of a bad ass he is? When he went to take care of some business the word spread around the hood that he was coming for some guy. The guy didn't even let "Big Homie" speak, he just started firing some rounds. He missed every shot and "Big Homie" took care of him with his bare hands. Believe what you want, but if you ever hear of "Big Homie" just know that he's the Babe Ruth of the hood and you only want to be on his good side. And he also has probably the baddest and hottest chick on the face of the earth. Don't fuck with the "Big Homie" he'll make you pay the price.

The Person Who Invented Snap Chat is an Absolute Genius

This little app known as Snap Chat is absolutely all the rage right now. Everyone uses it for a variety of different things mainly because it's almost completely blackmail proof. The picture only lasts a few seconds and then you can never see it again. Also, if you screen shot it the other person gets a notification that you have screen shotted it. It's absolutely genius and I'm going to tell you why.

How can something like this be so great? Because the person who thought of this clearly had sexting and naked pictures in mind. What is the biggest determining factor in whether or not a girl will send you a naked pic? They all want to send the picture(s) because they love the attention, but they don't want to send it because they're afraid of how many people you're going to show. As much as you convince them that you're the only person who will ever see it, you both know that is never happening. You're going to be showing ALL your boys that shit.

What Snap Chat does is it takes this ability away. You can only see the picture or a few seconds, you can't ever go back and send it to anyone else, and it keeps you hungry for more naked pics because you only get to see it for a very short amount of time. This Snap Chat creator has now helped men everywhere schmooze their way into getting nudie pics from women.

If you disagree with this topic you just don't know what you're talking about. This is completely the reason why Snap Chat was invented. And if you didn't think about this before reading this post, you will now definitely test this theory out. I bet you'll be getting girls to send you naked pics on the reg now. And you'll be thanking me for engraining this thought in your head.

Why Florida Was This Year's Craziest State

http://www.thedailybeast.com/galleries/2012/12/26/the-year-s-craziest-state-florida-of-course-photos.html#b883b908-7de3-4c3e-9e96-790f2ae740a1

From a woman getting arrested for riding a manatee at the beach, to a congressman giving out his wrong number and directing people to a phone sex hotline, to a guy dying after winning a cock roach eating contest Florida had it all in 2012. Bath salts were even originated down there with people eating each other's faces. And that is exactly why Florida has it's own section on this blog. I'm just having trouble finding something In Florida Today every day. But this should get you up to date on why we love any news out of Florida.

Are We Done With The Christmas Food Pictures Now?

If there is one thing that social media has done for me this holiday season it's that it has actually made me hate almost every person that I am facebook friends with. Why? Oh, I don't know maybe because everyone thinks it's the most amazing idea to take pictures of everything they're eating.

Christmas cookies, cakes, pies, appetizers, pasta, fish, beef, pork you name it and there was a facebook picture of it. Listen, I don't need a run through of your menu and I don't need a run through of everything you're going to eat throughout the day. All I want is to be able to go on facebook and not get annoyed, but that just can't happen these days.

I know it's very hard for most people to understand this, but nobody cares. I know it's very difficult for most women to understand, but posting pictures of the food you didn't make because you're a spoiled bitch and your mother and grandmother did everything while you sat on your cell phone complaining isn't impressing anybody. You claimed you went all out with the Christmas baking scene and then your next picture is of a perfectly clean you with your hair down holding a tray of cookies not made by you. We know you didn't do it and you don't play it off very well either. Nobody is that clean after baking for "ten hours".

So are we done with the Christmas food pictures now? Can everyone rest easy and not go on their facebook to a spree of 10,000 uploads of cakes and pies and hams? Can we sign on without getting pissed off? That's all I ask. Are the Christmas food pictures finally finished? If they're not then I would like to tell you that I hate you and I can't wait to defriend you. Goodbye.

Man Decides it's a Good Idea to Make a Homemade Pipe Bomb...With Predictable Results

http://www.contracostatimes.com/news/ci_22255372/antioch-police-man-injured-while-making-pipe-bombs?source=most_viewed

A California man decided that running a pipe bomb business right out of his house was a great idea. And then he dropped a lit fuse into a bucket of gunpowder and other goodies and he blew himself and his fucking house up. He ended up with third degree burns, and his neighborhood ended up getting evacuated. Oh, and since selling your own firearms and explosives is actually illegal, two face right here is going to end up in prison. Sounds like he had a great holiday season.

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Rugula

Late Night Programming: Home Alone 2: Lost In New York

Late Night Song: Jingle Bell Rock

Fun Fact: I'm going to look like a fucking boss when I go skiing next week...Yes, that's now a fact.

Late Night Video: In case you missed it:

Fireside Chats Christmas Special

Merry Christmas everyone! Here is the released Fireside Chats Christmas Special. Hope you enjoy. Season 2 "The Lost Season" is coming soon.

Merry Christmas Everyone

 

What's up everyone just wishing you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday, whatever it may be. I'm taking the day off but I just wanted to thank everyone who reads and keeps this thing going. Without you we're nothing. Thank you and have an awesome fucking day. 

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Fried Calamari

Late Night Programming: Home Alone

Late Night Song: I'll Be Home For Christmas

Fun Fact: It's Christmas Eve...Yeah, I took the easy way out on this one

Late Night Video:

Christmas Light Special: Pissed-off Employee Version

For anyone that's working on Christmas Eve, here's something to brighten your day...or give you ideas for how to get revenge at your job for making your life suck.  Either way, this guy did exactly that, just absolute genius.  Watch and enjoy!

The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree

 

This is a topic that really gets people going. The talk about going to see the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, which is basically just a larger version of a tree you have in your house. If you have a girlfriend, you HAVE TO go see the tree. When she asks you if you want to go see the tree she's really asking you whether or not you want to have sex for the next three weeks. Plus it's not too bad if you're going with just the two of you. You basically have to bully your way through the crowd, get the standard tree pic, and get the fuck out of there. There's really nothing else to see. 

Now, the single girls who have the obsession with going to see the tree need their fucking heads examined. Why do you want to go see the tree if you're a single chick? You're just gonna put yourself in a miserable mood by watching all the couples take their fucking pictures by the tree and it's just gonna add to your bitchiness. You'll play it off like "you don't need a man" but deep inside we all know you're wishing you had a guy to take a picture with. Word of advice: stop giving it up on the first date and you might get a boyfriend at some point. 

See I went with my girlfriend the other night and decided to have a little fun. You obviously need someone else to take the picture for you. Since my girlfriend knows how much of a sick bastard I am (obviously, since she agreed to date me) I said we're not just asking anyone for a picture. We are asking a group of girls who are there by themselves just so they can die inside a little bit when that flash goes off. We did, and it was epic. I saw the anger deep inside as I gave the fake smile and fake thank you for taking the picture. I'm pretty sure that girl and her friends cried the entire way home and then face fucked a gallon of ice cream together while watching Crazy, Stupid Love.

As for the men out there, you have no reason to go see the tree if you don't have a girlfriend. The entire crowd of people are just a bunch of assholes who stand there and have no idea where they're going. And it's just going to make you pissed off when you're continually elbowed in the kidney by some foreigner who's visiting his step father that gave him away when he was two. And if you hate people obsessed with Christmas it just isn't the place for you. 

What's the real obsession with the tree? I don't know. It's just kind of there. You can get the same exact thing in your house. It's nothing special, it's a tree with lights and a fucking thing on top. It's just a really big decorated tree. There is nothing to be overly excited about. 

So My Staff Formally Met Through Group Texting the Other Night

 

So in case all of you don't know, which why would you know this, but the staff of Talk of the Town has never formally met each other in person. Everyone knows me personally (me being Daddy) but Jimbo Slice, Slothy and BSlata have never met in person. What does it all mean? It means when you send out a group text to a group of people who have never met, and they're all assholes, hilarity ensues. 

Turns out that Jimbo Slice thought Slothy was a totally different person. Slothy has been apparently trying to figure out how hot BSlata actually is since she started writing, and BSlata just wanted to know what the fuck was going on. 

Jimbo and Slothy were having their own conversation while Slothy was blackout drunk at a Dave Matthews concert. And also apparently hot Asian women have a think for Jewish guys who call themselves Slothy. The entire conversation then culminated when Jimbo Slice throw out a "Talk of the Town orgy?" text. Which no, there's three guys, that will not be happening. 

Should I get my staff together in person and watch the hilarity ensue? I think so. A Talk of the Town holiday bash needs to happen sometime after the New Year. Yeah, after the New Year it's really not a holiday party but whatever, fucking shoot me. I don't exactly have the funds for a major blowout during the actual holiday season. Now you know, we didn't really know each other before the group text but now everyone knows how big of a group of assholes we all really are. I have the best staff in the league. 

Sidenote: Any orgy that involved more dudes than chicks is a no no. Poor girl or girls would look like a rotisserie chicken while it was going on. 

NFL Power Rankings

This is not a definitive list. It's just my opinion of teams going into week 17. Who I wouldn't wanna play, who I'd wanna play, plus I'm at work on Christmas Eve and I pretty much want to kill myself.

32. Kansas City Chiefs (2-13)- Sure. Jamaal Charles is an absolute manimal. Great fantasy player and everything, and once in a while Peyton Hillis can show you a glitter of the old Peyton; but the fact remains that this team is 2-13 and looks flat out awful most of the time. Also, their fans applaud QB's when they get knocked out of games on injuries. Sucks to be a Chiefs fan.

31. Arizona Cardinals (5-10)- I don't care that they are 5-10, this team is absolutely horrendous. I don't know if there is any team I would rather play then the Arizona Cardinals. Offensively they are more than challenged. Absolutely zero running game and a QB situation that makes the Jets look like a tightly run Wall Street business. Turnovers galore. Sidenote: Clearly after they were shalacked by the Seahawks I took Detroit's D against them, silly me.

30. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-13)- Yeyeye, they put up a fight against NE. Doesn't mean they're any good. Any team that is willing to take Tim Tebow is terrible. MJD hasn't played. Gabbert is injured, and Chad Henne sucks. Blackmon is going to be really good, and he's filthy in Madden 13.

29. Philadelphia Eagles ( 4-11)- So much talent on this team, it's a real shame it's gone to waste this season. This is an example of an organization really dropping the ball. Andy Reid is a great coach but his time in Philly is clearly finished. Can't be this bad with this type of talent. You have to get more out of your players.

28. New York Jets (6-9)- First off, I hope to god they get embarrassed this week. Secondly, how could you not want to play this team right now. Sure, defensively they've been above average, but the offense literally cannot move the football. This week showed all "Jets fans" that the problem isn't just as simple as Mark Sanchez. Horrible receiving core, average runners, and an offensive line that couldn't "stop a nose bleed" to quote Bart Scott.

27. Oakland Raiders (4-11)- Only reason they're behind the Jets is because of Fantasy Football. You could make an argument that Janikowski is more valuable than any offensive starter on the Jets. In fact, you could win an argument like that.

26. Tennessee Titans (5-10)-Chris Johnson is having another pretty good season yardage wise, but that doesn't tell the whole story. He's had a lot of LONG runs and those have accumulated some pretty good numbers for the guy. He hasn't been consistent. Other then him, Kenny Britt is the teams only real offensive threat, and when your QB is below average a wide receiver being a super talented isn't a big deal, ex: Larry Fitzgerald.

25. Cleveland Browns (5-10)- They will be good. Just not this year. If I'm the Browns organization I lose this final game intentionally. Would love to be a team playing them Week 17. Watch out for this team in the years to come. Trent Richardson is the real deal Holyfield.

24. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-9)- This team has looked BAD the last half of the season, and particularly bad the last two. First they get stomped by the Saints and score 0 points against them, which may be the first shutout in Saints history. And this week they look just as bad and get punished by a mediocre Rams team. Once again, the record isn't important, I'd love to play them right now.

23. Buffalo Bills (5-10)- Pretty much, they're playing against an embarrassing Jets team who destroyed them earlier in the season and it's time for Buffalo to get some revenge. CJ Spiller has been killing it, and this team has looked decent down the stretch. If they were playing anyone besides the Jets next week they'd be in a different position on the chart.

22. San Diego Chargers (6-9)- Yeah, they punished the Jets this week. They've got some dynamic players. But they also have a leader in Phillip Rivers who turns the ball over all the time, and a run defense that is one of the worst I have ever seen. They'll beat the Raiders, but they're still terrible. Norv is gone.

21. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-8)- Never thought I'd be putting the Steelers this low in a power ranking, but I have to be honest, for the first time in a long time, I really wouldn't mind playing this team week 17. There have been problems within the organization all year; I'd say most stem from injuries and under performing, but nevertheless it has been a tough year for Pittsburgh. Game against the Browns is going to be close, Browns might even squeak past the Steelers, especially after this weekends heart wrenching loss.

20. St. Louis Rams (7-7-1)- This team is so close to being a contender. Just right on the cusp. Unfortunately, they aren't their yet. Fortunately they may be able to get a relatively good draft pick and continue to get better...on that same token, Stephen Jackson is getting up there in years and they need a backup plan ASAP.

19. Detroit Lions (4-11)- Easily my biggest surprise in the Power Rankings, but I've got good reason for putting them here. If I'm a Bears fan, I am absolutely terrified this weekend. Literally scared to death. For some reason Detroit has had a terrible year, but to deny the fact they don't have any weapons is laughable. Defensively, Su and Fairley could decide to stop sucking and have impact games...and offensively, I've concluded that Calvin Johnson is indeed a robot. And with him wanting to get to 2,000 yards I'd be scared shitless if I was a Bears fan. Not to mention it's a divisional game.

18. Chicago Bears (9-6)- I know, I know, they're probably a playoff team. Doesn't eliminate the fact that this team has looked bad down the stretch. Yeah, they beat Arizona handily, so what. I don't think they're winning this weekend. You heard it here first. Urlacher is old.

17. New York Giants (8-7)- Another possible playoff team. Unfortunately, this team is the model of inconsistency, and their secondary is so unbelievably bad that ANY team in the NFL has a shot against these guys. Add to that, their "best D-line in the league" hasn't shown up for the last month of the season. And guess who they're playing this weekend...the Eagles, they ain't winning.

16. Miami Dolphins (7-8)- Do I think they'll win this weekend? No. Have I been impressed with them down the stretch? Absolutely. Reggie Bush has been a monster this past month. He lit it up yesterday, catching passes, running downhill, and in the open field I don't know if there is anyone better in the NFL at evading tackles. Tannehill has looked like a first rounder, playing with poise and control, and not making the big mistake. I don't think they'll beat the Pats, but I think they'll compete.

15. New Orleans Saints (7-8)- Admittedly, my one mistake in these rankings may be putting the Saints behind the Cowboys, but the fact remains that the Cowboys are playing for something next week besides pride. Saints defense is absolutely horrific. Tony Romo drove all over them yesterday, it was comical...I guess you could make the same argument for the Cowboys D.

14. Dallas Cowboys (8-7)- Dez Bryant, monster. Tony Romo, killing it. Can they beat the Skins? No.

13. Carolina Panthers (6-9)- If you can look at me in the eyeball and honestly tell me you'd like to play this team right now I would run for my motherfucking life because you are a crazy person. Cam Newton has been on fire. As far as actual humans go (not Calvin Johnson) he's the best athlete in the league, hands down, I'm not even going to argue it. Smith has been great in the receiving game, and they've won 4 out of their last 5. New Orleans won't beat them.

12. Minnesota Vikings (9-6)- Adrian Peterson.

11. Indianapolis Colts (10-5)- The Vikings and the Colts have been by far the two biggest surprises in the NFL this year. Andrew Luck is as good as advertised. Reggie Wayne has been phenomenal, Hilton has been great, and Vick Ballard has the offense looking balanced. That being said, they're going to get shalacked in Houston this weekend.

10. Cincinnati Bengals (9-6)- Cinci is good, but for some reason I don't think they can do any damage in the playoffs. Don't know why, probably has to do with the fact they're from Cinci. Their QB doesn't have a soul...but he does have an arm, and pretty damn good poise for a second year starter. Also, AJ Green is comically good.

9. Baltimore Ravens (10-5)- Yes, they BURIED the Giants...but they didn't have to kill them, it seemed as if the Giants were already dead. Sure, they killed them worse, attached some dynamite to them, blew them to smithereens, all that good stuff; but the Giants were dead when they got there. I won't give Joe Flacco credit even though he deserves some, but I will say they got the ball to Ray Rice a lot yesterday, and he looked damn good.

8. San Francisco 49'ers (10-4-1)- I know this may come as a surprise, but I'm not sold on this team as a superbowl contender. I'm really not. I think Kapernick is grossly overrated. Yeah, he picked apart the Patriots, big frikin deal. They're defense has been lit up the last 6 quarters. And also, Vernon Smith got decapitated last night and based on Manningham's reaction yesterday I don't think he'll be back.

7. Washington Redskins (9-6)- I really wouldn't want to play this team right now. This is the most excited skins fans have been in a very long time. RG3 has been better than advertised. I didn't think he'd be this good in his first year, but he has been something very special. Alfred Morris has had an outstanding season has has exceeded preseason expectations by light years. Sure, the pass defense is horrible, and Dallas has been lighting it up through the air, but I think the Redskins are going to be representing the NFC East this season.

6. Houston Texans (12-3)- The Texans are obviously solid. Tons of offensive weapons and an above average defense. They looked really bad this weekend, but shit happens. They'll bounce back and beat the Colts handily week 17.

5. New England Patriots (11-4)- Remember when the Pats were 1-2? Haha, yeah me too. Offensively this team is scary, and Gronk is coming back. Tom Brady continues to prove that he is indeed one of the best of all time. Defensively, really bad, but they've proven over the last few years that doesn't mean anything to them, they'll compete for a Super Bowl again this year.

4. Green Bay Packers (11-4)- This offense has been clicking on all cylinders these past few weeks. James Jones has been on fire, and Aaron Rodgers looks as good as he ever has. Running game is improving and this team is hot going into the playoffs. Going to be a great game against the Vikings.

3. Atlanta Falcons (13-2)- Yes, they've clinched the NFC. Yes, it all goes through them. No, I'm not impressed (Mckayla Maroney face). Also, I'd love to play them this week. You think they're going to play anyone? For sure not. Matt Ryan is great. The receiving core is absolutely outstanding, but the running game is abysmal. Come playoff time that's going to be this teams biggest problem.

2. Seattle Seahawks (10-5)- I'd be legitimately terrified to play this team right now. The 9'ers are so damn lucky that they're playing the Cardinals this weekend because I would rather blow Steve than play this team at home. Running game is absolutely dominant. Best in the NFL, between Lynch, Wilson, and Turbin this running game is scary. Also, if you haven't noticed, Russel Wilson has been the BIGGEST surprise of the season. The guy has been truly remarkable, and after last night I think he's thrust himself right in the center of the discussion for ROY. If Sherman is actually suspended it could be a big blow to their championship hopes, they need him on defense.

1. Denver Broncos (12-3)- Ten game winning streak, check. Most balanced offensive team in the league, check. Their QB knows your defense better than your defensive coordinator, check. They're playing the Chiefs this weekend, check. I honestly don't even think KC should show up this weekend. It's going to be an embarrassment. No joke, the line on this game could be around 20. I think the Broncos win 48-6.

That's it and that's all. I'd love your comments telling me what a fucking idiot I am. Will I care at all about your opinion? Of course not, you're probably a loser if you read this blog anyway.

NFL Picks Week 16

Two weeks left and it's going down to the wire for the title belt...

Standings:

Daddy: 33-31-1

Jimbo Slice: 31-33-1

Slothy: 30-34-1 

This Weeks Games:

Giants (-2.5) at Ravens

Redskins (-6.5) at Eagles

Browns at Broncos (-13)

49ers (-1) at Seahawks

Saints at Cowboys (-2.5)

Picks:

Daddy: Giants, Eagles, Browns Seahwaks, Cowboys

Jimbo Slice: Giants, Eagles, Broncos, Seahawks, Cowboys

Slothy: Ravens, Redskins, Broncos, 49ers, Cowboys

Drunk Story Satudays: He Can't Believe This is Happening

Drunk Story from Shelby (New Jersey): 
"I met this guy and we started talking for a couple of weeks. Now he wanted to go out one night so since he was going to be drinking I told him he could stay at my place. Just because I didn't want him to drive, I didn't plan on banging him yet. We go out, have fun, and then the time comes to get back to my place. We start messing around in bed and he's kind of just in his underwear, which was weird to me. We keep going and he tells me he wants to have sex. I was iffy about it and when I was about to agree he grabbed his dick and said, "Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening." Then he ran into the bathroom and came out with no underwear on. He had prematurely came all over himself. Fuck my life right." 

First of all, don't be a typical female and tell me you didn't plan on banging him. You invited him to stay over and it wasn't to cuddle. Secondly, I can't believe he prematurely came, that is hilarious. I think that should just about be the end of you two speaking and if it's not you have ammo for every fight you two will ever have. It's a win-win situation for you. Just don't invite him over again unless you plan on having sex. Yes, that's all guys think about.

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Chocolate Chip Waffles

Late Night Programming: March of the Wooden Soldiers

Late Night Song: 8 Second Ride by Jake Owen

Fun Fact: The world has not ended...We listened to a bunch of people who couldn't even save themselves, let's get real

Late Night Video:

Is This The Strangest Commercial You've Ever Seen?

This is by far the strangest commercial I've ever seen. I think the part where the little kid said he says no to meth just put it over the edge. I don't think anyone is overing crack and meth to a six year old, let's get real for a minute guy. I don't think anyone is actually offering drugs to any of these kids. These kids could barely walk and chew gum at the same time, and you're gonna offer them drugs? Or advil as the black guy in the opening clearly offered. I get the premise, it's just a strange way to go about the premise and yes I laughed my ass off the entire time.

This Poor Kid Has Been Officially Friend Zoned

 

Dude that is such not a cool shirt to wear, ever. You know what your t-shirt is really telling people? It says, "I'm so caught up with this chick who is never having sex with me that I'm too blind to see that she's never going to have sex with me." Come on bro. Other girls look at you as pathetic and other guys give you swirlies in the bathroom. And then after they give you the swirly they go run the train on your "best friend" just to add some more insult to injury. Your best bet at this juncture is to cut ties with the friendship thing, become a complete asshole, and go destroy vagina relentlessly for the next five to six years of your life. 

The Product of Getting Hammered at a Christmas Party

See no matter how drunk I get I will never in my life agree to letting someone punch me in the face. Why would I want to do that? Why would I want my night ruined? And in this case, why would I want to get knocked the fuck out and not have the chance to retaliate? I love how the camera man found this to be the funniest thing he's ever seen. I think the guy might've died. That shit was great. He tried to take it like a man but took it like a little bitch boy instead. Kudos to you bro. Have fun explaining this one to the kids.

The Biggest Misconception About Tim Tebow

Amazingly, everyone still loves Tim Tebow and thinks he's a starting NFL quarterback. I don't know how or why you would have any reason to think that. If you just watched him play the position at all and/or watched him throw a football ever you would never think this guy could play quarterback in the NFL. But then you sound dumber when you say something like, "But he's a great athlete."

If you think Tim Tebow is a great athlete, you're an idiot. That's the biggest misconception about the guy. He is not a great athlete. He doesn't have great feet at all, he doesn't have a strong arm at all, and he doesn't have the football smarts. What is he? He's a fullback trying to play quarterback. Rex Ryan said he thought Tebow would be like a Brad Smith for them. Brad Smith ran a 4.3 and returned kicks. Tebow probably runs a 4.7 or a 4.8 and the only guy he can get around the corner on is Eric Smith who happens to have lead in his shoes.

You know who's a great athlete? RG III, Tony Romo, Russell Wilson, Andrew Luck, Aaron Rodgers; those guys are great athletes. Tim Tebow is not a great athlete. So before you go out there and start talking like you know what you're talking about, take a step back and look at evidence. Tim Tebow is not a great quarterback and he's not a great athlete. And it's looking a lot like he has too big of an ego to want to change to a position that would keep him in the NFL for a long time. Enjoy the wildcat the last two games because he might not play another down in the NFL after week 17. Unless he loses that ego, he's done.

We're Still Here Bitches

I know you're all shocked that we're not all dead yet. This whole Mayan apocalypse thing was a bigger bust than the drunk chick you take home and says she doesn't fuck. I guess there's only one thing left for us to do. Other than go back to our dull lives and search for meaning, I guess we drink to celebrate. I have no idea what we're celebrating, but it might as well be something. Just fat dudes chances of getting laid tonight have significantly decreased because they can't pull out the whole, "Bang me because we're gonna die anyway" line.

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Chili Cheese Fries

Late Night Programming: The Day After Tomorrow

Late Night Song: The End of the World As We Know It by Rem

Fun Fact: The world will be here when you wake up tomorrow...Fact

Late Night Video:

Nobody Party's Like Fat Black Women

You might think you party hard. In fact, you might think you party really hard. And you know what? You actually might. But I'll tell you this much, you haven't partied and you haven't seen what it's like to party until you've partied with some fat black women.

Last night I worked a holiday party and apparently most of the fat black women in NYC work for the board of health. They were there in full force. And when I say full force I mean like backing that ass up at 6:30 at night. And they don't give a shit if you love them or hate them. They're still gonna party like they're the hottest looking things in the room.

As for last night, besides the fact that they were backing it up like they were in a club on a Saturday night, it escalated into numerous dance offs. So let me explain to you what the dance offs were like. It was one fat black woman against one little scrawny gay guy in what appeared to be a best of 5 series. Long story short, the fat black women pulled out the three game sweep, which was very embarrassing for the gay guys. And this was with bosses and co workers circled up like you were watching Step Up.

Lastly, after being all hopped up on cheap liquor and cheap wine the whole night they decided it was time to start a conga line. Yes, from the front of the bar to the back of the bar and all the way back around these women started a serious conga line. I had never seen anything like it. If work is anything like this holiday party was I need a job there. It didn't stop, I saw a 45 year old fat black woman bent over like grinding on some dude, it was weird. This shit got absurd. When a fat black woman over the age of 30 is on her hands with her ass in the air, shit just got real.

All in all, it was an experience you should go through at least once in your lifetime. Partying with fat black women isn't easy, but if you're looking to go harpooning you'll definitely get laid. Just be careful they don't attempt to sit on your face. You'll be dead within fifteen seconds. Because not only can you not party with fat black women, you can't hang in bed with them either.

What If Everyone Just Laid it All on the Table Before the Relationship Started?

When you first start talking to someone in what could potentially lead to a relationship, you don't really know what to expect. You have to actually get to know each other and feel each other out before knowing what you're actually going to get. But what if everyone just laid everything out on the table when they first started speaking to someone?

Like what if the chick shows up and says okay, if you wife me up here's what you're gonna get. You get blowjobs on the reg, sex on the reg, I'll make you food, I'll watch sports, and then I'll even tickle your asshole if you want me to. Instead of you having to put in tons and tons of effort figuring this shit out, you already know what you're gonna get. Therefore, you can decide right there whether you want to keep moving with the negotiations instead of possibly putting in all this time and then it not working out.

Would it be awesome? Or would it take the fun out of everything? Ladies, if a guy told you if you date him he'll always pay for everything, buy you gifts, occasionally cook, and be a total tomcat in the bedroom wouldn't you just tell him to wife you up right there? But instead you go through mind games and bullshit for a few months.

If you laid it on the table before you began relationships would work better and there would be less heartbreak. Because you wouldn't get caught up in the bullshit and then find out it doesn't work out. If she just tells you from day one she's a crazy bitch, you'd get the fuck out right there. And if the guy told you he's probably going to end up beating you, you would also get out right there. You should lay it all out on the table before it starts. It might just be the most genius idea ever.

This Guy Really Hates Bad Drivers

Wow, I guess if you're a terrible driver in Australia this is the shit that happens to you. That guy just got out of his car and smashed the windshield with his bare hands. If that's not animalistic I don't know what is. I wouldn't want to be driving around in Australia with dudes like this on the road. Like he must have literally had absolutely nothing to do that day that he spent his time chasing around a guy just because he was driving slow. When you think about it like that, it sounds even dumber.

Michael Vick Will Most Assuredly Be a Jet Next Season

http://www.rotoworld.com/player/nfl/2107/michael-vick

Apparently the report is that Rex Ryan "loves" Michael Vick, meaning that if he doesn't lose his job, Michael Vick will be his quarterback next year. This is perfect for the Jets. Just another player to win the back page of the New York Post, and another player who will turn out to be a huge bust. I have no idea why people think signing Vick would save the Jets. The guy has only played one full season in his NFL career, are you kidding me? He's just another headline and then when he's hurt and you have to watch Greg McElroy suck it's going to be the same Jets song and dance over and over again. This is a complete joke. I hope they sign him and then I'm going to sit back and watch the hilarity ensue.

In Florida Today

 

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/strange/floriduh-blog/sfl-tat-that-said-sniper-20121220,0,7438858.story 

Yeah guy you picked a terrible week to walk into an elementary school and ask for beer while having a tattoo that reads "SNIPER" on it. I guess you haven't watched the news lately bro, this is on the list of terrible ideas for the time being. You don't look like you need a beer you really look like you could use rehab, or jail time. Either one, not really sure. I don't even know if you got arrested, but I do know that you're an idiot. Just a run of the mill Thursday in Florida. 

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Double Chocolate Chip Cookies

Late Night Programming: Frosty the Snowman

Late Night Song: Let It Snow

Fun Fact: Oklahoma was the last US state to declare Christmas an official holiday in 1907...Fucking Oklahoma

Late Night Video:

Is She Worth Monetary Value?

This should be an age old question answered by men everywhere, however I have never heard it asked. When you meet a girl, get her number and start engaging in conversation with her this question should always be raised. Is she worth monetary value?

What does this mean? It means is she worth taking out and getting to know, or is she just someone you meet out with your friends, try to get drunk and then take home and go to town on? It's one of the two, there is no in the middle with this. It's either she's worth spending money on by taking out, or she's not.

All women have certain characteristics about them that make them either desirable or undesirable. The beauty in getting her number and then feeling her out a little bit by talking to her is that you can figure out whether or not she's actually worth taking out. If she's not worth it, you don't even have to make plans. You can just hope you see her out while you're both drunk and then hope for a BJ in the bathroom.

Ladies, don't get mad at me. You all think you're worth monetary value, I know. But if you're going out and slobbering all over three different guys in the same night while you black out then there is a good chance a guy doesn't want to spend money in order to fuck you. Mainly because he clearly doesn't need to. Do the math, you're either worth waiting to have sex with or you're not. It's the way of the world.