Am I The Only Survivor?

It's come to my attention that Talk Of The Town's very own creator lives right where Hurricane Sandy butt-fucked the East Coast.  So he has not power, no electricity, and probably no back up porn (Our thoughts and prays are with you buddy).  Until we receive word that everyone from Talk Of The Town isn't floating in the middle of the Jersey Shore, stay tuned for all you women, sports, and sex needs. 

The Halloween Costume Countdown

In case you're wondering who this awesome little kid is, it's me.  That's right fuckers, I had a handmade Batman costume and rocked it like the bad-ass 5 year old I was, and have continued to rock the superhero costumes every year since.  So imagine my dismay when every Halloween I look like comic-cons very own advertisement while chicks all around me look like the inside of a 14 year old boys imagination.  In honor of this dedication to the ever lasting pursuit of dressing like a stripper without getting called out for it, I present to you the 10 most unoriginal and interesting Halloween costumes... READ THE #1!!! IT'S AMAZING.

Unoriginal

10. Army girls/guys- As much as I'm sure our fine men and women in uniform appreciate picutres that show a little skin, let's get real people.  Women in the army don't run around in sports bras and army guys don't look like they got deployed from the Jersey Shore.

9. Priest with a boner- Why I still see one of these every year is beyond me.  It's a priest...with a boner....the irony is only lost on the idiotic. This costume was funny the first year it came out. In 1978. 

8. "I don't care about Halloween" t-shirt- Again, I see this a lot.  Guy wears a white t-shirt to a party saying "Ghost" or "costume not found."  Could it be any more obvious you don't give a shit about Halloween? For people like me that save more for their Halloween costumes than they do for Christmas presents, I find this offensive, no candy for you. 

7.  Pimp- There's one every year, and it's always a skinny white guy.  The scariest part of this costume is that like the girl who truly believes she isn't a slut on Halloween, the guys who tend to dress up as pimps usually blast DMX out of their Hondas and are delusional in thinking they have game. 

6. Bunny/ cat/ cheetah-Straight outta mean girls: "The hard core girls just wear lingerie and some form of animal ears."  Just because it's the one night a year you can dress like a slut doesn't mean you can just wear a thong with band-aid on you tattas because you have cat ears on (yes, I saw that this year, and when I asked what she was she looked at me like I was stupid). 

Interesting

5. Bloody Tampon- Cover yourself in toilet paper then dump ketchup on your head? If you've got the balls to do this, you're awesome.  You might smell like shit all night, but just try not to laugh when you see a human tampon walking around a party.

4. Dexter- this was a popular one this year.  Took me a while to figure out why there were about 5 guys in green shirts with black gloves until I saw a chick wrapped completely in plastic and fake blood next to one guy.  Dexter and his murder victims, creepy but original.

3. Ted- I don't care if it's store bought, any guy that dishes out $90 to buy the Ted costume is the shit in my book.  Especially if you walk around quoting the movie all night.  Whoever was dressed as Ted in downtown Boston on Saturday night, if you remember a drunken Catwoman hugging you, it was me and I think I love you.  

2. Kissing booth- Some guy walking around with a cardboard box and a sign that says "Kisses: one shot."  Usually you can only get away with this at a bachelor party, but this dude figure out how to get this once a year.  Hats off to you sir.  

ANDDDDDDDD......

1.   SURPRISE! There is no #1! That's because Halloween isn't officially over yet and I want to give all you kiddies a chance to get your claim to fame on Talk Of The Town.  So send your funny costumes ideas and pictures to slata@talkofthetown.me  (winner gets a special Halloween surprise).

These Weather People Who Report Outside During These Storms Crack Me The Fuck Up

Yeah, you're looking at footage straight from my man cave/office. But these mother fuckers who go outside during these storms to report just crack me up. It's always tiny ass women like this who can basically blow away in the wind and it's like these 110 pound men who look like the 40 year old virgin. You can't honestly tell me you take these people seriously. I just sit there and laugh my ass off at these people. I don't know what it is, but I get such a kick out of them I can't even stand it.

The Real Life Ollie Williams is Covering Hurricane Sandy

This is all sorts of awesome. I have discovered the real life version of Ollie Williams. I'm pretty sure the Family Guy character was based solely off this reporter. Or that former fat fuck Al Roker. Either way, this shit is absolutely hilarious. I just wanna meet him so I can find out what it's like to be outside when it's raining sideways. And of course get invited to his swimming hole when it gets hot out.

Is This the Halloween Costume of the Year?

 

Is this the Halloween costume of the year? Fucking guy just dressing up as Jerry Sandusky and carrying a baby around with him I almost died when I saw this shit. Talk about standing out in a a crowd. When you're dressed as the most well known pedophile on the planet and carrying a baby around with you, you really live by the phrase "it's never too soon". Fucking guy is just a straight up animal. 

Asshole of the Day Award

http://gawker.com/5955637/drunk-lawyer-locks-herself-out-of-apartment-tries-to-break+in-via-garbage-chute-almost-loses-arm

You would think for a lawyer who lives in New York City that his chick would be smart. Well, turns out she's not. She got hammered and locked herself out of her apartment because she had loaned her keys to a friend. Why? I have no idea. But when someone finally let her into the building, she thought what a good idea to jump down the garbage chute to get in. A piston crushed her arm and almost cut it all the way off. ASS...HOLE. Brilliance at its finest. Shit like this only works in the movies because it's a movie. It's not real life. Nice try. Here's your t-shirt, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

Just a Guy Running Around in a Horse Mask During a Hurricane

I have to say I love the enthusiasm this guy is showing here. Just not giving a fuck and going balls to the mothers wall while everyone stays inside and crawls into the fetal position because they think they're gonna die from this fucking hurricane. Not this guy though. He just puts on his horse mask, takes almost all his clothes off and goes right to work. Jogging, doing jumping jacks, whatever it takes he doesn't care. He's just letting everyone know that he's the man and they should know about it. I mean it's a good thing for the mask because he's probably scaring all the chicks away with that body. But that's a little irrelevant when you're wearing a horse mask and running around like a jackass in a hurricane.

NFL Picks Week 8

The extremely unimpressive standings:

Daddy:14-15-1

Slothy: 13-16-1

Jimbo Slice: 11-18-1 

This week's games

Daddy

Falcons at Eagles (-3): Eagles

Dolphins at Jets (-2.5): Jets

Redskins at Steelers (-4.5): Redskins

Giants (-2) at Cowboys: Cowboys

Saints at Broncos (-6): Saints

Slothy

Falcons at Eagles (-3): Eagles

Dolphins at Jets (-2.5): Jets

Redskins at Steelers (-4.5): Redskins

Giants (-2) at Cowboys: Giants

Saints at Broncos (-6): Saints

Jimbo Slice

Falcons at Eagles (-3): Eagles

Dolphins at Jets (-2.5): Dolphins

Redskins at Steelers (-4.5): Steelers

Giants (-2) at Cowboys: Giants

Saints at Broncos (-6): Broncos

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: BBQ Brisket Sandwich

Late Night Programming: Sean of the Dead

Late Night Song: I Will Buy You A New Life by Everclear

Fun Fact: The U.S. has five percent of the world's population but twenty five percent of the world's prison population...That's fucking absurd, we suck as a country.

Late Night Video:

Drunk Story Saturday's: That Was Some Halloween

Drunk Story from Daddy: 
"This one is for those of you who don't listen to the Kegs and Eggs podcast. Because I told the story Tuesday morning, but if you didn't hear it you missed an absolutely epic tale of Halloween Savagery. It was my senior year and I was dressed up in pretty much the exact costume you see up top plus sun glasses and minus the chain. Now, on Thursday night me and my housemates made a jug of jungle juice just for us. We figured we would use it to pre game and then go out. We made 11 gallons for four of us to last the weekend. Basically we were savage animals. I can't tell you the recipe because I would have to kill you but it wasn't your run of the mill grain alcohol and a shitload of sugary goodness. Yeah, we made this shit to get incredibly fucked up. Now it was the Saturday night of Halloween weekend and this thing was barely halfway empty. So we had some people over to pre game, hopefully drink it with us and then we would go out. It was the big house party night. We were planning on going from house party to house party and seeing which one was the best. About midway through the first house party was when I realized just how fucked up I was. It had punched me in the face like a fist from Mike Tyson in his prime. On the way to the next party I knew it was inevitable, I was going to blow chunks everywhere. Now I want you to picture this. You're driving and all of a sudden out of the back left window of the car in front of you pops a dude wearing an afro, sun glasses, and a porn star mustache, and he starts throwing up all over the road. You have that image? Good, well the guy throwing up all over the road in the afro, sun glasses and mustache was none other than myself. I got the entire door plus the back tire. It was lethal. Did we still go to the next house party? You bet your ass we did. Did I go inside? Nope. I crawled up in the fetal position and slept in the car. Was it one of my finer moments? No, but it's stories like that that build character and I just figured I had to share this with you in the Halloween weekend." 

Yup, that's straight from the Talk of the Town creator's mouth right there. Epic Halloween weekend stories are by far my favorite.

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Chicken Cutlet, Pepperjack cheese, Lettuce, Tomato, Hot Sauce and Ranch on a Hero and thrown in the oven to heat it up

Late Night Programming: Taxi Cab Confessions

Late Night Song: Don't Think I Don't Think About It by Darius Rucker

Fun Fact: The Swedish pop group ABBA recently turned down an offer of $2 billion to reunite...They must detest each other to turn down that much fucking money.

Late Night Video:

Plan B Commercials Are Not What They Seem

Do you ever notice when you need something you start to notice commercials for it a lot more? Like if you're a dude thinking about buying a truck you might start noticing the funny feeling you get in your pants when the new Toyota commercials come on.  But if you're a chick that doesn't keep track of when mother nature comes (like me) you start to panic once a month and notice birth control advertisements.  

So like every month I've been playing the guessing game while eating chocolate on my couch and waiting for the general mood of bitchness to overcome the rationale side of my brain.  And in this drunken haze of PMSing I'm watching a commercial for Plan B that shows a mom running after her little monster smiling and saying "I want more kids but maybe not right now!" (Fake laugh, husband swoops in for a kiss).  I have just one thought while watching this: Bitch, that ain't real life.

I don't know if the marketing people for Plan B tried to PG up their product by saying only married women generally use this pill when they want to wait to have more kids.  Like they're saying "don't worry God, I got you on the next one."  No way.  If the Plan B people really want to show a real use of their product, show some chick checking a dudes wallet in the morning to find out his name and then running to Target with her best girlfriends saying "oh my god, I NEVER do this!"

Kid Gets Fucked Up Trying to Jump Over Moving Car

http://www.local10.com/news/Raw-video-Stunt-to-jump-over-car-goes-wrong/-/1717324/17146378/-/ds14rmz/-/index.html

You have to click the link to watch the video because it's not on youtube or anything because this kid gets fucking housed by this car. What a fucking moron this kid is. He was trying to jump over a car to impress college football recruiters. First of all, you're an idiot and any college coach who would think this is awesome would also be a fucking idiot. Yeah, I'm gonna risk my life by trying to jump over a fucking car. How big of an asshole are you? Like it's tough for me to actually feel bad for this kid because of how dumb he is. What good can come out of this? Add to all this that he's white and there's no way you're jumping over a car. And what about his friends? None of them thought, "Hey bro, this is probably the dumbest idea I've ever heard." But no, they all decided to take part in it. So they're assholes too. You know what this kid has to show for this act of stupidity. A broken arm, broken leg, critical condition and 89 stitches in one leg that we know about. Well now you're really not getting recruited by colleges because you're probably never playing football again. Congratulations, you are a fucking dummy.

Sidenote: Yes, please tell me how heartless I am for ripping this kid to shreds after he just got hit by a car. Let me just remind you that he did this to himself.

Can We Please Get a Relevant Friday Night College Football Game Just One Time?

 

Week after week on Friday night this season college football has rolled out irrelevant match up after irrelevant match up. Why? Are you telling me you can't schedule one relevant college football game on Friday night the entire season? 

I'm so sick of watching Utah vs Utah State and Toledo vs Kent State and tonight's match up of Cincinnati  against Louisville. Nobody cares about these games. Friday night is not an NFL night, and now this late in October there's not even playoff baseball to compete with. I would rather watch The Big Bang Theory than watch Big East football between Cincinnati and Louisville. 

How do you not make Friday night football a big time match up between two good teams? Why wouldn't you do this? Do you realize how big this would be? Imagine if you had Oklahoma against Notre Dame tonight with nothing else on. The rating would be through the roof because no one else is on. That would be the big time game of the week. Instead, you put it on Saturday with three other huge games and the viewers you get are the die hard fans of those teams. Why not put it solely on a national stage? 

This is the one thing I have never and will never understand about college football. This country loves football, and they love relevant football. The NFL starts the week on Thursday night, why not make Friday and Saturday all about some big time college football games? Maybe there are thing I don't know about that go into this, but what I do know is that nobody is running to their television set to watch Cincinnati and Louisville tonight. Can we please get a relevant game on a Friday night just one time? Please, I just want to see it once before I die. That is all. 

Sidenote: And while we're at it get me some hot cheerleaders to look at for fifteen seconds when the game comes back from the commercial break. 

Man Mode

 

With the cold weather coming it is the time for every man to go into the mode that gets them fatter to keep themselves warm for the winter, and everything revolves around beer, food and sports. Yes ladies and gentlemen it is the time of year for man mode to begin. 

What is man mode? Man mode is going to your buddy's man cave and sipping on some dark winter beers. Man mode is eating man things like wings and pizza while you watch a football games on Sunday afternoon. Man mode is basically being everything that is a man. 

As men we love it, it shows no worry about what your body looks like and what your liver is going to look like when man mode season is over. But when does man mode season have to end? Probably around the time the Super Bowl ends. Baseball season and the summer are right around the corner and you actually have to be seen out in public. As much as you may love man mode, you have to love the potential to pick up women with no shirt on as well. 

Every man goes into a man mode stage. There is no reason not to. We love being fat and happy. If it wasn't required to look like you're in some type of shape to get some pussy then we wouldn't do it. Especially if we were rich because then it doesn't matter what you look like. But still, man mode season is officially in full effect. And for men everywhere, there's nothing better. Beer, wings and football. It's all about man mode. 

This Must Be the Safest Thing I've Ever Seen While Driving

What do you think is safer? Texting while driving or playing a guitar while driving? Push. This guy just doesn't care, he's just straight up strumming the shit out of his banjo while he's probably on cruise control driving across the country because he slipped one passed the goalie on his high school sweetheart and has to pay child support for another ten years. Fucking guy. Just being so safe while behind the wheel, you gotta love it.

World Series Game 2 Recap

Last night was the night that might have been the turning point of this series. After beating Justin Verlander in game one, the San Francisco Giants were looking to go up 2-0 for the first time this postseason. Starting pitcher Madison Bumgarner came into the game with an 0-2 postseason record and a 10.62 ERA, but that all went out the window last night as he shut down Detroit and the Giants held on for the 2-0 win and kept their home field advantage.

A double play with the bases loaded and a sac fly were all the Giants would need as Bumgarner out dueled Doug Fister who somehow stayed in the game and pitched very well after taking a line drive off the side of the head early on. For Detroit the play to look back on happened with no one out in the second inning.

With Prince Fielder on first and Delmon Young up, Young would hit a ball down the left field line that would carom off the side wall and not make it all the way into the corner. After the carom, they would send Fielder home all the way from first, and he would get thrown out by inches at the plate. Instead of 2nd and 3rd with no one out and one of the hottest hitters on the team in Johnny Peralta coming up, it ended up being just a runner on 2nd with one out and they wouldn't score.

The Giants didn't really do much with the bats, but they did more than Detroit who did nothing. I picked the Tigers in six and I'm looking like a real jackass right now. This series could possibly be over with Ryan Voglesong, one of the hottest pitchers this postseason going game three for the Giants against Annibal Sanchez. This game is the series for Detroit and we'll see what happens Saturday night at 8pm. Who knows? Maybe the colder weather will cool off the Giants.

Asshole of the Day Award

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/25/kylan-brock-burglary-backyard-beer_n_2017617.html?utm_hp_ref=dumb-criminals

If you're gonna rob a house it's probably not a good idea to stay there and drink a beer in the backyard. I mean wouldn't you think to get out before the person comes home? No, not this guy, he's all about casually drinking a beer in the yard then getting caught by the person who owns the house and then finishing up by leaving his ID there. What a genius this bro is. Oh, and he also got arrested. Nice job dog, did you go to Harvard? Here's your t-shirt, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Pulled Pork Sandwich with Cole Slaw

Late Night Programming: Balls of Fury

Late Night Song: I Got a Feeling by Billy Currington

Fun Fact: In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees...I wanna eat those fuckers

Late Night Video:

Party Song of the Weekend Brought to You by DJ Nicky Bentz

Perfect time for you pre game. I know I'm late, so what, shoot me. This week we have Sweet Nothing by Calvin Harris featuring Florence. I'm telling you now, once this beat drops you'll be ready to go. It's Halloween weekend and you're gonna be dressed up and sloppily making out with everything in your path so why not be bumping and grinding to this song while you're at it? Have a great fucking weekend.

I Have Finally Figured It Out, It's In The Eyes

Remember when I wrote about women and how I couldn't explain it, but you could just tell when a girl is a freak? Yeah, well I have finally figured it out. After years and years of trying to figure out the answer I was just about ready to give up and say it was an intuition. However, then it clicked the other day when I was reminded by a friend just how big of a whore some women are.

He mentioned one chick specifically and then I remembered seeing the look she had in her eyes when she was talking to this dude she met out one night. She had the eye of the freak. It was just a look that said I love the D, and I want everyone to know it.

The extremely outgoing and not giving a fuck personality is always a factor, but the look in their eyes is the main predictor. Once you see the look in their eyes, you know what the deal is. The word freak is just spelled out in the pupils. It's unbelievable.

Don't believe me? Think about every girl who you thought was freak, that you then ended up slaying. Think about the look they had in their eyes when you first met them, and then think about the look in their eyes during the sex. You know exactly what I mean. The sign of a freak is all in the eyes.

Sports Guys Cursing-Inspired By Stephen A

Berman killing it.

Time, Distance, N***a wit a prahlem. Note: Actually says neither one a problem.

Tin man syndrome. This n***a.

Ahh fuck it.

Oh, so you're a jackoff.

Did Stephen A. Smith Drop The N Bomb on Live TV?

I'm pretty sure he said it. He forgot he was on live television and just thought he was casually speaking with one of his brotha's at a townie bar somewhere. He's gonna get crucified for this even though I don't really think it's that big of a deal. Plus he's black so it's cool that he said it. As long is it wasn't Skip dropping N bombs, this should blow over pretty quickly.

It's Not About What He Wants, It's About What He Needs

Everyone knows that guy who just goes into a funk and is miserable all the time. Now matter what happens he's always so negative about everything that goes on and he never wants to have a good time. To be a friend, you need to get him what he needs. Just remember, it's not about what he wants, it's about what he needs.

What does he need exactly? He needs to get taken out by his friends, get absolutely hammered and then he needs a girl to sit on his face. What? Am I crazy? Why would he want that? Once again, it's not about what he wants, it's about what he needs. Sometimes guys need a nice chick with a fat ass to just sit directly on their face.

Getting your face sat on just straight up snaps you out of that funk that you're in. There's nothing like a nice ass with a great vagina perfectly placed on your nostrils to get you back out there with a smile on your face. It's like medicine without going to a doctor for the prescription.

Just remember guys, when you have a friend who is in the first stage of jumping off the empire state building, you need to get him out of the house with tons of alcohol. Then before he can think about being negative, you hit him with a hot girl who's ready to use his face like a seat cushion. Why? Because it's what he needs.

World Series Game 1 Recap

Well ladies and gentlemen today's headline should be Steve the Hammer is a total moron. I picked the Tigers last night and the Tigers in 6. Now, I'm still sticking with the Tigers in 6 but holy shit was I wrong last night. Justin Verlander came out and got his tits lit up last night. The big story of the game was Pablo the Kung Fu Panda Sandoval just going absolutely HAM last night. 4-4 with three home runs and four RBI's. Barry Zito was just being his crafty self on the mound and even added an RBI single that just added insult to injury for Detroit. After all was said and done the Giants took it 8-3 for the 1-0 series lead. Tonight is the key to the series. Madison Bumgarner is going to have to do what he hasn't done this entire postseason and give his team a chance to win on the mound. Doug Fister is going to have to pitch the game of his life for the simple reason that they can't go down 2-0 and have to face Matt Cain in game 3. My prediction for tonight is simple, Tigers bounce back and even the series. Why? Mainly because I picked them.

Sidenote: Don't know if anyone was watching, but I really wanna party with the San Francisco Giants old lady that was just going HAM in the stands last night. What do you think her name is by the way? I'm gonna say Millie. And Millie, I wanna party with you.

Asshole of the Day Award

http://www.marinij.com/rosskentfieldgreenbrae/ci_21837852/greenbrae-shooting-defendant-sues-90-year-old-man?source=most_viewed

As a society, America has turned into a country that's softer than fucking baby shit. Stories like this just piss me the fuck off. Here's a guy who robbed the house of a 90 year old man and shot the 90 year old man in the face. The 90 year old man who also happens to be a Greenbrae returned fire and shot the burglar several times. So before I move on let's recap. Guy robs a 90 year old's house and shoots him in the face. Then the 90 year old shoots him in self defense. Now this cunt burglar is suing the man that he robbed for shooting him. Are you fucking kidding me guy? You're such a liberal pussy it's unbelievable. I hate people like you. You're everything that's wrong with our country. Here's your t-shirt, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

I'm So Unscared Of This 'Perfect Storm'

http://www.wbtv.com/story/19913738/huge-perfect-storm-could-impact-east-coast

Hurricane mixing with an arctic blast next week thinks it's going to scare me? Yeah right Sandy, I'm so unafraid of your natural disaster ass it isn't even funny. Gale force winds and snow? Is that all you got you whore? You think that's going to prevent me from trick or treating?

On the real though, I am a natural disaster nerd. I absolutely love this stuff. I'll sit on Youtube for hours looking at videos of tornadoes, tsunamis, super volcano's, mega tsunami's...all that good stuff. Think you know more about the mega tsunami that could form off the Canary Islands if the volcano La Palma explodes causing a three trillion ton part of the island to landslide into the ocean causing irreputable damage across the globe? You don't dude. Think you know more about the conspiracy theory that Yellowstone park is actually an enormous Super Volcano? Have a clue where the nearest blackhole is? Know where the nearest asteroid is to hitting earth?

I for one am fully embracing this storm. I know that she knows how much I respect the hell out of her. Don't think I'm sleeping on the arctic blast though, I know this wouldn't be possible without you. All I can really say is I wanna tell all the longshoresmen in Gloucester to take a day off when this bitch comes to town. Listen to the meteorologists on this one Clooney, you remember what happened the last time.

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: French Onion Soup

Late Night Programming: World Series Highlights

Late Night Song: Got a Little Crazy by Kenny Chesney

Fun Fact: One out of three employees who receive a promotion use a coffee mug with the company logo on it...Brown nosers.

Late Night Video:

And They Expect These Chicks to be Mothers Someday

This is the epitome of what's about to happen this weekend right here in these three Halloween costumes. There is a line just out for Halloween called Leg Avenue and its basically every slutty outfit they could think of. However, even though I do love the outfits I don't love that the chicks who wear them are expected to be mothers some day. But hey it's Halloween if you can't dress like a slut this weekend then when can you?

The Closer

Some guys have it, some guys don't; the ability to close out the game. Or in this case, seal the deal with the girl you're talking to all night. There are just some guys who are able to handle the pressure when it comes down to crunch time and then there are other guys who just have no clue what they're doing.

While you're sitting alone at the bar watching dudes just take home chicks and slay all night, that guy is no different than you are my friend. You know what the main difference is? He has a thing known as swag or also known as confidence and he also has that one line that cements her going home with him and spreading her legs.

What is that line? I have no idea quite honestly, every guy is different. It's like your ness, you just have to find it. Like in You, Me and Dupree; he found his ness. You will know your line once you find it, much like finding the right woman. When you find her, you know. It's the same thing with your closing line. You know when you have it, and it works on every woman you try to get with.

Lastly, don't over think your closer. It's just going to come to you when the time is right. But when it does come to you, don't forget it. It's going to be the face of your organization for years to come. You always need a closer to win you games. Find it, hone it, know it, and love it. It's going to be your key into vaginas for a very long time.

"Sarah Says" How Our Fashion Affects Our Life

 

Dress Code – How Men’s Fashion Affects Your Life

Last weekend, I was at the local bar having a nice, delicious pint of Shipyard Pumpkinhead Ale, just minding my own business. I wasn’t dressed up, I had no intention of picking up men, but I didn’t see any harm in looking. But, much to my surprise, men came to me. (Serves me right for going to the bar by myself.) I discovered then that how these men dressed immediately decided my interest. So, gentleman, here’s how to look your best to win those ladies’ hearts.

Shave

If you have a beard, trim that Grizzly Adams shit. If you don’t have a beard or are completely incapable of growing one, keep your face clean. Stubble can be sexy but the In Between or Random Spots of Facial Hair Growth are huge turn offs.

Shirts That Fit You Properly

It’s so easy to run into a store and grab whatever t-shirts or button downs you see without trying them on. Take a few minutes and do just that. An ill-fitting shirt gives the image of laziness, even if you aren’t lazy. It just looks sloppy and sloppiness is not attractive.

Pull Your Goddamn Pants Up

This is pretty self-explanatory. If I’m interested in seeing what kind of underwear you’re wearing, I’d take you home first. Or, you know, date you for a prolonged period of time then take you home. Probably the latter.

Snazzy Shoes

Don’t wear your nasty, stinky sneakers to the bar. Do you really not have at least a clean, decent pair of sneakers to wear? Oh, you don’t? Then go get some.

Clean Up Nice

I’ve been told that I “Clean Up Nice” and I’ve certainly told other people that. Don’t roll into the bar in old jeans and a t-shirt. Clean yourself up a little bit. Don’t go overboard with a shirt and tie, but at least throw on something that lets the ladies know that you didn’t roll out of bed.

Classy boys get the girl. At least this girl. And above all, don’t tan, don’t spike your hair and don’t wear “Jersey Shore” style t-shirts.

Sarah is the creator of Not the It Girls. You can contact her at sarah@nottheitgirls.com.

Chronicles from the Staten Island Ferry

 

Oh the contrast in couples. We have the couple on the top giving absolutely zero fucks right now about anyone who sees and chomping at the bit to go home and have sex. Then we have the couple on the bottom extremely confused and trying to figure out just exactly how they are going to have sex when they get home. Different styles, same old ferry. The chronicles continue. 

World Series Game 1 Tonight Who Ya Got?

Tonight it's game 1 of the World Series with the Tigers in San Francisco to take on the Giants. Justin Verlander goes for the Tigers and Barry Zito goes for the Giants. Who wins? Well, for game 1 this is incredibly obvious to me. I really believe that we have never seen the level that Verlander is pitching at right now and he is almost unbeatable. He gave up three hits in game 3 against the Yankees and he wasn't even on. He's going to shut down the Giants lineup and be lights out tonight. I'm going with Tigers taking game 1 tonight, and Tigers in 6. Write it down.

Asshole of the Day Award

http://www.indystar.com/article/20121023/NEWS02/210230325/Tipsy-Fever-fan-goes-jail-after-too-much-celebrating?odyssey=tab|topnews|text|Indianapolis%20News&nclick_check=1

News no one cares about; the Indiana Fever winning the WNBA title. Asshole of the day; this lady for getting drunk because the Indiana Fever won the WNBA title. She was arrested for public intoxication and all you need to know is this quote. "Baby, I'm celebrating the Fever winning a championship...I'm loaded, I ain't gonna lie." All I have left to say is here's your t-shirt. I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

Kegs & Eggs Podcast

 

http://traffic.libsyn.com/kegsandeggs/KegsEggs2.mp3 

Today's Kegs & Eggs Podcast features Slothy as the special guest. We're talking NFL injury news, early betting lines, college football top ten, best tailgate parties of the weekend, Ozzie Guillen, NBA preview, drinking game of the day, news no one cares about and who would you rather see fight. Seriously though, email all suggestions to hammer@talkofthetown.me. Even if you just want to let me know I suck, just send away. 

I'm Not Too Sure What to Think of This Video

I'm looking passed the fact that this kid is just straight up rocking out right now and I'm just gonna ask this one question: Why is your six year old in the front seat?

When Your Girlfriend Gives You Outrageous Scenarios That Definitely Didn't Happen

Every girl on the face of the planet does this all the time. And the best part is that at this moment no chick has any clue what I'm talking about. But they will know exactly what I'm talking about as they start reading this.

Guys, you know when you get pissed off because you just lost something? How mad do you get? Livid right? Of course. What is the only thing that makes this situation worse? When your girlfriend thinks she's calming you down or trying to make you feel better by throwing out the most outrageous scenarios anyone has ever heard of.

Say you lose your wallet, she'll say something like, "Maybe when you took it out of your pocket you didn't put it all the way back in your pocket and then someone walking by brushed against you and knocked it out and it fell on the floor." And then you just stare at her and say, "No, that definitely didn't fucking happen." Yeah, and maybe a unicorn flew by and head butted me and then stole my wallet too. Or maybe a band of fucking leprechauns jumped me on the street and took it also.

She thinks she's helping, but she's really not. And then the more scenarios she throws out the worse it gets and you just end up yelling at her, telling her you can't deal with her right now and then get into a fight. Girls, we appreciate the fact that you're trying to help, but at least try to say things that are within the realm of possibility. Not these outrageous things that definitely didn't happen that just piss us off even more. Just do the minimum and avoid the fight that's sure to happen if stupid shit keeps coming out of your mouth.

I Literally Have the Worst Luck in America When it Comes to Fantasy Football

I have officially thrown in the towel. I am calling it a fantasy football season. At a blister 2-5 record and sitting in 11th place out of 12 teams I am waving the white flag and calling it quits. Between the injuries and the busts, I have to say this is honestly the worst season of fantasy football I have ever had. And I really don't have anyone to blame but myself for continuing to go through this agony year after year, and of course also the injury bug.

Let's take a look at the guys I have injured this season:

Hakeem Nicks (3rd round)
Jeremy Maclin (4th round)
Cedric Benson (8th round)
Ryan Williams (13th round)
Jimmy Graham (2nd round)
Ramses Barden (free agent pick up)
Fred Jackson (5th round)
Kenny Britt (10th round)

All in all, this adds up to my team fucking blowing. Add to this impressive list the fact that Cam Newton absolutely sucks balls and you have a 2-5 record. I'm calling it quits ladies and gentlemen, there's no hope for me. I'm finished. All I can do is change my team name to Injured Reserve and then hope for the best. Like that every player on the Dallas defense gets injured this weekend against the Giants. But as for my shitty and injured team, it's over. Time to pack it up and see you next season.

Asshole of the Day Award

 

http://www.theledger.com/article/20121023/NEWS/121029766/1374?Title=Vehicle-Backs-Over-Sunbathing-Woman-s-Head 

Just chillin' listening to some music while taking the sun and the next thing you know a fucking pick up truck is crushing your fucking head. Yeah, that's what happened to this chick. This dude just didn't look, and backed up and crushed her head. Not totally crushed it because she actually survived but if I was her I would be telling this dude that he has to lick my box for an hour every day for the rest of my life. And where was she fucking laying? In the middle of a driveway? Something's off here. But whatever, she's alive and it's something everyone can laugh at now. Here's your t-shirt big guy, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul. 

Shit my Friend Says

My boy, from Boston, makes me laugh harder than most people. Sometimes from utter stupidity while trying to sound smart, and other times when he drops phenomenal one liners. I'm going to try and keep a running log of all the ridiculous things he says.

This first one is something he texted me last night, in reference to the fact I don't post that often on this blog.
1) "U should do more. That's ur only shot at stardom at this point now that throwing 90 is out  of the pic."

Skunk!!!!!

Pepe's piece is such a dime

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/10/22/pa-woman-shined-light-for-son-as-mistook-girl-in-halloween-costume-for-skunk/

Well sort of. Minus the fact it wasn't a skunk and it was actually an 8 year old dressed in what appears to be a skunks costume, well played by this family here. I mean think about it, you're trying to have a halloween party and some goddamn skunk thinks it's just an opportunity to ruin yet another persons day by stinking up the joint. Can't let that slide, so what do you do? Well, obviously the only practical thing to do is grab the 12 gauge and unload on Mr. Lepew.

The word practical is actually a good segue into this portion of the post. Practicality, common sense, IQ over 40...simple things in life that make the world go round. Judging by the fact that the dude who unloaded a shotgun round at this "little girl skunk" hit her four times means to me that he saw this alleged skunk at the scene of the crime. This girl was 8 years old, standing upright. Rationally that puts her at about 4 feet tall. Forget the fact it was a halloween party and people dress up for halloween for a second, if you saw a four foot tall skunk standing upright I would drop the gun and run for ze hills because that's not a skunk, that's a mutant, a mutant who hates America and who's impervious to shotgun bullets. You don't go shooting at 4 foot skunks, you call the CIA and tell them something is going down.

I do hope this little girl is okay though. Not to be a dick, but a skunk is like the worst halloween costume I've ever heard of. Never heard of a sexy skunk...no wait, I take that back, the skunk Pepe Lepew was constantly trying to rape get with was a certified dime piece.

Dude Gets a Handlebar to the Face

 

Love me some moto cross right here. Just reckless driving all over the track and running dudes over who may or may not have banged your girlfriend. Love how he doesn't really have any remorse. Like the guy is obviously gonna say he's okay, and the driver is just like yeah you're good bro and drives away. Just letting the guy know that he's not there to make friends. If you want a friend, get a dog bro. 

Kegs & Eggs Podcast: The First Episode

http://traffic.libsyn.com/kegsandeggs/KegsEggs1.mp3

The new early morning podcast "Kegs & Eggs" brought to you by myself, Steve the Hammer. In the opening episode I'm talking MLB, NFL, College Football, Halloween Weekend and of course News No One Cares About. I need a song to finish the show with so please send all suggestions and recommendations to hammer@talkofthetown.me and let me know your thoughts. Every Tuesday through Thursday it's Kegs & Eggs.

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: The Fat Darrell (Shout out to the Rutgers people)

Late Night Programming: Unite (on ESPNU)

Late Night Song: Could You Be Loved by Bob Marley

Fun Fact: At General Motors the cost of healthcare for employees has exceeded the cost of steel...Basically, everyone is fucked.

Late Night Video:

Just watch up to the hot sauce in my bag part. There are few things that are more fun than that shit. 

Reader Email: The Two Thirds Date

Email from Female Bartender (NYC): 
"Since I've been single I've been going out on dates here and there and I really haven't gone on many good ones. However, this one definitely takes the cake. I had gone out with this guy once and we had a decent time, it wasn't terrible we just went out for like one drink and talked the whole time. It was okay at best. He asked me if I wanted to go out again and I figured why not, I'll just see what happens. We had about a glass of wine each and probably a cheese platter. So now date number one we went out for one drink, and date number two we have a glass of wine each and a cheese platter. We're not exactly talking about expensive stuff here. The end of the second date comes around and we get the bill that might have been $30 max. He looks at me and says, "I'll go two thirds with you on this one?" At first I thought he was joking because that would've actually been a funny joke. But then I realized he was serious. He's taking me out and he's actually gonna make me pay. What the fuck is going on? Then he has the balls to try and kiss me at the end of the night and gets mad when I pull away. Sorry, but if you're not gonna pay, I'm not doing anything with you. Am I wrong on this one?" 

You are not wrong on this one. This might just be the biggest douche move I've ever heard. I'll go two thirds with you? If I was you I would've told this moron to kick rocks and then walked the fuck out. If a guy is taking you out, you shouldn't be paying. It's as simple as that. Like and who does that? Two thirds? Like he's doing you some sort of favor by going taking two thirds of the bill. I bet he wonders why he doesn't get laid after he takes girls out.

Does Natalie Portman Have Fake Knockers?

 

http://www.hollywoodtuna.com/?page_id=65069&id=natalie_portman_blond_busty_2&title=Natalie%20Portman%20Pictures&loc=3 

Natalie Portman sporting blonde hair and fake knockers on the movie set? This looks like it has the makings of a porno written all over it, but we'll never get that lucky. I mean they don't look abnormally large, they just look like she actually has something there now. Do I dislike it? Absolutely not. But am I getting my hopes up thinking she'll be crushing dick all over america with 34 C's? No, I don't know on this one. I have a wait and see approach to this. I'm gonna hope that they're here to stay, but I'm also going to remain skeptical until I find out for sure. But add these to her and we have a fucking knockout. Sit directly on my face please. 

Drunken Englishmen Are the Hottest Thing on the Internet Today

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/leeds-united/9625456/Jailed-Leeds-fan-Aaron-Cawley-binged-on-cider-and-vodka-before-attacking-Sheffield-Wednesdays-Chris-Kirkland.html

Our man Frank the Tank aka Your Frankness just showing up in a big way today. You all know who the Asshole of the Day was today, a drunken Englishman getting off pub probation and then getting right back on when he fought a cop that same night at the bar. Well this one's a little different. This dude took it to a whole new level. Just getting housed on vodka and cider and then running on the field and I'm not gonna calling it punching, he basically just mushed the goalie in the face like you would do to a chick who starts punching you. What I love about it is that the goalie even fucking went down like he was faking an injury. Typical soccer move right there. You got mushed bro, you didn't get hit in the face with a bat, calm the fuck down.

Teacher Just Doing the Damn Thing in School Dance Off

Look at this kid just serving everyone in his path in the middle of the school cafeteria. He was almost like the bully just picking on little kids since black people have way more rhythm than white people on the dancing home front and we all know it. But then he just fucked with the wrong teacher. I don't know if that was the Cotton Eyed Joe or the Irish Jig but this dude just absolutely murdered it and did it all with a huge smile on his face. He's like that cocky QB who's good and knows he's good and he just stays calm and cool under pressure. Just doing the damn thing in the middle of the cafeteria! I want this guy teaching me whatever shitty subject he teaches. You can't even argue with that.

Southern Cunty

 

I'm bartending Saturday night working the Tennessee football game and watching them get their dicks kicked in by Alabama when a guy and a girl come over to the bar to ask me about a certain type of shot. They ask me what type of whiskey is in this shot and I tell them it' our well whiskey (why would it only be $5 a shot asshole, it's not the good shit). This chick gave me the biggest look of disgust and with such a fucking attitude replied with, "Well, the only whiskey that I drink is Jack." Before she even finished the sentence it registered in my head, she was a southern cunt. 

There's a difference between southern cunty and northern cunty. See, northern cunty are the women who walk into the bar and ask for Patron margaritas because they "only drink Patron". But they're not cunts because they only drink Patron, they're cunts because they get all offended when you charge them for Patron, which just so happens to be one of the most expensive things you can buy at any bar. Ladies, just because you have tits and a vagina doesn't mean you get free shit. Why? Because you're shitty tippers and you do nothing for me. If you wanna have expensive taste, find a rich guy who pays for everything. I'm never gonna see you or talk to you ever again, do you think I give a flying fuck if you're mad that I just charged you full price? News flash, I don't. 

Also involved in the northern cunty league are the women who "only drink Grey Goose (with more than two limes)". I don't mind the chicks who come in asking for Grey Goose and club soda with two limes. That's the most common thing ever. But when you come in and say, "I have to have at least four limes with my drink," I just wanna reach over the bar and punch you straight in the ovaries. I mean really, could you be any more of a cunt? 

So, as for this broad the other night, she was what we could call "southern cunty". She "only drinks Jack" because that's the only good whiskey there is. Listen, when you pound the entire bottle, it doesn't matter what you drink, you're gonna be hungover. And also, she's even more of a cunt because she wouldn't know the difference between Jack and well Irish whiskey if she was blind folded and took a shot of each. You know how I know that? Because on her next Jack and coke I used Bushmills from the well and she didn't say a word. She just took a sip, looked at me and said, "It's just so good." Yeah bitch, you know you're alcohol like I know how to read brail. Watching women like her always puts a smile on my face.