Ok so I went out to the club this weekend. Hadn't been in a while, so I got all excited/ dressed up/ drunk to go. The minute I got there I remembered why I hate the fucking club. I'm just out on the dance floor with my friends enjoying myself, when all of the sudden some dude just comes up behind me and starts grinding on my shit. it was like someone trying to give me the Heimlich maneuver and have butt sex with me all at the same time. Nothing sobers you up faster than being manhandled like you're in a fucking prison raid. So awkward.
Guys, what the hell goes through your head when you decide to go grind up on a girl? Seriously, has that technique ever worked with a chick that's not already shit faced drunk? I want to know if there are any girls out there that decided to go out with a dude after he starts thrusting his cock up against your back. If so, you two are probably the shadiest looking couple on the planet. What ever happened to just coming up to a girl (from the FRONT) and asking her to dance? Oh yea now I remember, it's because guys who pull this crazy backdoor routine are fucking ugly. I can appreciate the fact that you sneak up on us from behind because you look like Quasimoto, but I did not get all dolled up in 5 inch heels and a dress that cuts off the circulation to my vagina for you to use me as a dance pole. If I wanted to attract a guy that looks like you, I would have rolled up to the club in my sweats with a messy bun. Not to mention the fact that I can only dance with your 5'4 ass before my thighs are burning like I'm in a fucking Jane Fonda workout video.
But I'm not just going to sit here and bitch about shady dudes at the club, I'm going to do something about it. Trouble is, these guys aren't easy to deflect. When a guy starts grinding on me I usually just start dancing like a drunk monkey having a seizure, but for some reason even this technique isn't working lately. So here are my new ideas:
1. The next time a guy tries to use a cock thrust as an icebreaker, I'm going to turn around and be totally in to him. I'm going to follow him around the club for the rest of the night telling him how I've always wanted be be married by this age, how cute our kids would be, that I think he should come home and meet my mom, etc…
2. I'm going to buy a remote operated vibrator and do the old "tuck it up under the belt" trick. Then we a guy starts rubbing all up on me BAMN! He's gonna get a little vibration sensation. How do YOU like getting that shaft all up in your shit? That's what I thought.
3. If I'm really desperate, I'll just scream "STOP GRABBING MY STOMACH YOU'RE GOING TO HURT THE BABY!" If he still sticks around after that maybe I should give him a chance…or call the cops, not sure on this one yet.
Seriously, its pretty much impossible to stroll into an lively club and not feel like your walking into a fucking rapefest
ReplyDeleteI would go with FUCK YOU pay me
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