Jersey Shore Pretty

 

Today there was proof the world is ending in 2012.  Someone had sex with Snooki without a condom and hasn't died of syphilis yet.  Instead, we get to bear witness to a beautiful child that will compete with Kourtney Kardashian's baby for youngest T.V. sellout.  In honor of this momentous event that will get more press coverage than silly things like world news, I decided to outline what it means when a girl is "Jersey Shore" Pretty.

For any girl that’s ever been the wingwoman in a group of guys, you know what it’s like to watch them try to go home with a 10, and wind up settling for a 3.  But there is nothing, NOTHING worse than them finding a girl they think is a smoking 10, but is in reality a troll.  I’m not talking about Tina two-teeth turning into Gisele Bundchen after an entire bottle of Jack.  These are girls guys actually think are hot, because the male brain is trained to look for certain key characteristics before they actually register the face.  Well guys, let me take your blinders off here for a sec.  Jersey shore pretty girls are like Monet paintings: from far away they have all the right assets but up close it looks like someone threw a bucket of make-up on a scratchy canvas.  From far away they have:

• Platinum Blonde hair, usually hairsprayed into curls of steel. Or jet black hair, it says “look at me, I’m mysterious and exotic”.  These girls are usually as exotic as the pole they just got off at the bar.
• Huge boobs.  Don’t be fooled, unless she's wearing tissue paper over their nipples there's about a 95% chance she's is wearing two bras and possibly some duck tape under that rack
• Big eyes, outline with fake eyelashes and enough black eyeshadow to keep a coal mine running for 6 weeks
• Fake tan.  This is usually  accompanied by a cloud of perfume surrounding the girl wherever she goes to cover up the dirt smell. 
• Lip gloss- when the club lights reflect the shine it helps hide the herpes

These are all good features, but then you look at the face and think “ugh, Michael Jackson and Tara Reid had a baby.”  Guys see the hair, the tan, the boobs and they go straight in.  Meanwhile while I’m hanging back in the corner thinking about what would happen if I threw a bucket of water at her.  “I’m melting, I’m melting!” Good news is these girls usually won’t stay the night after you sleep with them, it takes too much effort to paint on that masterpiece in the morning.  So when guys ask me “do you think she’s hot?” and I say “yea she’s Jersey shore pretty” this is what I mean.  

DISCLAIMER: When I say Jersey shore pretty, I don’t mean that every girl from the Jersey shore looks like this or is ugly. I’m referring to the fact that they have the “Jersey Shore” look (lots of make-up, fake tan, etc…).  I have a ton of friends from the Jersey shore that are extremely hot and exotic.