The Late Night Special (Final One Of 2011)

 

Another Coach Sted Special

Late Night Menu: BLT and Egg Salad on toast

Late Night Movie: Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Late Night Song: Under the Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Fun Fact: The length of a pigs orgasm averages 30 minutes...I guess God had to compensate them somehow since they were fucked every other way.

Late Night Video:

@jimboslicee's #TweetoftheDay .. Why Ochocinco Got Pulled Over Today

The Person...

- Chad Ochocinco @ochocinco (Patriots WR)

The Tweets...

- "Wow this is my 2nd time getting pulled over in my Prius in the Boston area, I got a ticket for this harmless comment --> read next tweet"

- "Cop: where's your license Me: here u go sir Cop: it says ur supposed to have on glasses Me: I have contacts Cop: I don't care who u know!!!"

The Reaction...

- Kinda lame, but I felt like something retarded like this kind of sums up Chad these days. Guy has fallen so far this year and he's not even that entertaining like he used to be.

That's it.. Lame tweet of the day reaction for a lame person

Happy New Year .. And I refuse to say 'see you next year' so you later

Drunk Story Saturday's: Where's The Beer?

And here is the last drunk story of 2011...

Drunk Story from Frank (Pennsylvania) 

It was our senior year of high school and we were all going on a ski trip. When I say we were all going on a ski trip I mean pretty much my entire senior class was going on a ski trip. Well, not the entire class but there had to be at least 150 kids going and being that our school was small, that was about half our senior class. Now, the bus that I was on got there first. The other bus broke down. When we got in there it was absolute mayhem. Everyone had at least a 30 and a bottle for themselves, and we got there looking to drink and that was it. It was like a different party in every room. Anchorman was going on in one room, regular beer pong was in another, 100 cup beer pong was in another, I'm pretty sure there was flip cup and madness everywhere else. 

By the end of the first night everyone was extremely fucked up. One of our friends who also happened to be extremely large had done a strikeout and passed out in my room. Who also passed out in my room? Oh, about twenty other kids were passed out all over the place. We're all in there and then suddenly the big guy who did the strike out wakes up. His eyes were half open, he looks around the room and he tries to lean on the wall as he says, "Yo, where's the beer?". As he says this, his arm never actually catches on to the wall and he just slides down the wall and hits the floor face first not even budging as everyone just starts hysterical laughing at him. Some people just can't handle a senior year ski trip. 

The fact that I'm picturing this happen to a 300 pound guy is awesome. And the fact that this story sounds so familiar is even better. 

The Late Night Special

 

We'll call this one the Coach Sted Special. Thanks coach. 

Late Night Menu: Provolone and Soppersata on Ritz Crackers 

Late Night Movie: Borat

Late Night Song: Freak by Radiohead

Fun Fact: Only 22% of the female population is multi-orgasmic...That really sucks for the other 78%. 

Late Night Video:

                                        

A Story Of Savagery

 

You want to hear about a man who has turned into a Savage? Savage Mode has come out in full force in this guy and he is kicking ass and taking names. That guy who had the girlfriend for awhile and got his heart broken is now back on the horse with a vengeance. 

This guy takes a trip to Atlantic City with me earlier this week. He was a straight up Savage from the beginning. Just texting every girl in his phone looking to get with whichever one came his way. He didn't even care which one it was, he was just a man on a mission to get laid that night. He was 100% willing to slay anything. 

Then he starts drinking and his inner self becomes the thing in the picture above this post. Just a possessed Savage on the prowl for some tang. He didn't even give a shit what the girl looked like. His only requirement was that she had a vagina. That's not a very strict requirement, but then again, when Savage Mode gets turned on, anything goes. 

Next thing I know this dude disappears from the club. I end up getting back to my room thinking I'm just gonna pass out and go to bed and I walk in to this dude bare ass on top of this girl. I don't really know what she looked like, just the site of his ass and the lights being on were a little too much for me. The next day he wakes up, has no recollection of anything that happened, and he just got out of bed ready to get on to the next one. Just an absolute story of Savagery. He still has no idea what the girl looked like, thinks it's awesome that he probably got roofied, and he's ready to do it again this weekend. That guy who was pouting in the corner over his bitch of an ex girlfriend has now turned into a complete Savage. And he has inspired me to now make SAVAGE MODE t-shirts. They are coming soon. 

Pussy Whipped

 

Guys put on this big front all the time like they're tough as shit. This guy is the man, the other guy bangs every girl he sees, and that guy over there just doesn't care about anything. Then all of a sudden that tough guy meets some girl and he turns into the biggest little bitch in the world. 

What are you doing bro? What happened to that tough guy who never cared about anything? Now you're hypnotized and running your life around this chick you just met who in all honesty is just an evil little bitch. She treats you worse than a piece of shit on a street corner in New York City. And you just sit there and take it. 

Who cares how hot she is? Maybe you should reach between your legs and check if your balls are still there. Even though she probably carries them in her pocket. Being pussy whipped is like being a slave. You do what she says, when she says it, and if you don't do it you usually get hit with something. It's a terrible way to live your life. Also, there is a one hundred percent chance that all your friends and family hate this broad because they all know how terribly pussy whipped you actually are. And lastly, you only get it in when she wants, which is usually like once a month. Therefore, you're a certified slave.

You even put on this front when she's not around like you're this tough guy and all of a sudden she shows up and you crawl into the fetal position and listen to every word she says. Why do you do that to yourself? Basically, you're softer than puppy shit. You're not the cool guy with the hot girlfriend, you're the weird guy with the hot girlfriend who has you on a leash. You're the exact equivalent to a Jew during the time of Moses. Just getting forced to build pyramids in 110 degree weather, and getting hit with whips all day. That's exactly what you are when you're pussy whipped and you never have someone to part the Red Sea for you. 

If You Want The Big Mac...

 

Shout out to my cousin Rob for coming up with this one. So, last night at dinner everyone's arguing about what is the proper way to take a girl out. My uncle is sitting there saying that people don't know how to date anymore, my aunt is saying that women made guys the asshole's they are today (in which she would be correct about that one) and my other cousin is saying how it's not like it used to be, it's okay to meet a guy out somewhere. 

And then here comes my cousin Rob with a quote that was just wise beyond his years. His sister was trying to justify meeting a guy out somewhere for a date as opposed to being picked up. And then he looks at her and says, "If you want a big mac, what do you do? You go to McDonald's. You don't tell someone to meet you somewhere with the big mac, and you don't ask to have it delivered to you. No, you go to McDonald's." He has to be related to me just by coming up with that analogy. 

But he was one hundred percent right about that. Seriously, if you're gonna take a girl out why are you gonna meet her out somewhere? You might as well make her pay for her own shit too while you're at it. It's like trying to find a job. The job isn't gonna come to you begging you to come work for them. You have to go get it. I sound like the biggest asshole on the face of the earth on this thing, but even I go pick a girl up if I'm gonna take her out. If I do that, everyone should be able to do that (I know that's a hard concept to believe that I can get a girl to go on a date with me, but that's neither here nor there). 

So, as my cousin Rob has taught everyone; if you want the big mac, you gotta go get it. It's not gonna just come or be delivered to you. If you're single you're not a house cat who's getting your food brought to you. You're out in the alley and you have to go get it. 

Why Tim Tebow Sucks Today...

 

Why Tim Tebow Sucks Today...

Well for one, he's got guys like Skip Bayless defending him. Apparently Skip doesn't actually watch the football games. The argument people give with Tebow is that he's improving. Everyone considers him improving because he might make on good throw a week, but that doesn't mean you're improving. You can improve shit by spraying fabreeze on it, but at the end of the day, it's still shit. It's the same thing with Tebow. He's all smoke and mirrors, and he can't throw the football, and he also happens to be the luckiest guy in the league. See you Sunday when Kyle Orton goes back to Denver and shits in the Broncos living room, as well as ending their season. 

Asshole Of The Year Award Candidate #5

 

http://www.kgw.com/news/Portland-home-raided-after-Heroin-for-Sale-fliers-132257893.html 

 

Remember these guys? You can vote for the Asshole of the Year right here: http://talkofthetown.me/blog/castyourvotes/ It's those dumbasses with the Heroin for Sale sign.

So apparently putting up signs around your neighborhood that say "Heroin For Sale" followed by the actual address of your house is actually not a good idea. I know you're trying to get the word out about your "business" but when it comes to selling drugs, this probably isn't the best way to go about it. Because then the cops raid your house and arrest everyone who lives there. I don't know, call me crazy, but maybe have a code name like Tag Sale, or Yard Sale or something like that. How about an email list or texting list, I don't know, just something other than clearly stating that you actually sell drugs at your actual address. I'm not sure which one of you geniuses came up with this brilliant plot but I'm sure all your buddies would probably like to beat the piss out of you right about now. Here are your t-shirts master marketers, enjoy your time in prison. Look at this this way, you're now candidates for Asshole of the Year. 

Calm Down Little Bro

 

Alright little bro, calm the fuck down. If I was your parent you would've gotten a swift backhand for acting like a 12 year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert. Your parents must be assholes. Why? Because any parent who gets a child under 13 years old anything like an itouch, ipod or ianything is a total asshole. This kid's like eight years old, what the fuck is he gonna do with an itouch? And his little brother who's like 4 also got one. And we wonder why America sucks at everything and our children are growing up to be little panzi's. It's because they get itouches at eight years old instead of going out and getting a black eye from playing a game of tackle football with no pads on. It's kids like this who lead the way in the panzi department, and I blame his dumbass parents who are living in that shitty apartment spoiling their kids with iequipment. 

Defriendment Friday's

Hop on the bandwagon...

Steve the Hammer

The Culprit: Jillian (last name removed)

Status that broke the camel's back: Soooo happy my office closes at 2pm tomorrow! =) and sooo excited to spend the weekend celebrating w my heart <3 :)

Reason for Defriendment: I don't actually think me or anyone else could care any less about your office closing at 2pm today. And I have no idea why you used two different types of smiley faces. I also do not care about how excited you are to spend the weekend with the most important organ in your body, since that is what you are implying. Congratulations, you're the last defriendment of 2011. Happy New Year broad.

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Gelato

Late Night Movie: Cocktail

Late Night Song: Wonderwall by Oasis

Fun Fact: Thirty minutes of sex burns on average 85 or more calories...It's a new workout.

Late Night Video:

                                            

Throwdow Thursday's Week 9

 

http://traffic.libsyn.com/bboys/ThrowdownThursdaysWeek9.mp3 

This week we talk Tebow and NFL playoffs, then we go into the NBA and if the Knicks are really a good basketball team. We talk some MLB transactions and sports teams putting their twitter handles on the back of jersey's? Find out right here. Plus, MANIMAL t-shirts coming soon. Listen to us in your car also, just plug in your iphone and listen. 

Ugly Duckling Syndrome

 

We all know what the ugly duckling is. It was that outcast duck, kind of like Rudolph with his red nose. But what I'm talking about is completely different. I'm talking about the ugly duckling syndrome. Nobody really addresses this, but everyone always thinks about it. Fella's, for those of you who wonder how that hot ass girl is with that ugly, dorky ass guy, this will explain it all. 

You wonder how that hot girl could be so cool. Hot girls who also happen to be cool are a diamond in the rough. You just don't find them. Normally the hot girl has a stick up her ass, is too good to even speak to most people, and can't even be bothered with talking to those peasant guys who don't have a lot of money, much like myself. Therefore, finding a hot, cool girl is basically hitting the jackpot. 

Anyway, that hot ass girl who happens to be cool was clearly not hot her entire life. She was always the ugly duckling. She probably had braces, got made fun of by all the boys and hung out with the nerd herd as far as her clique of girls. And then once she filled out, the braces came off she lost touch with nerd herd and everyone was like, "Holy shit, where the fuck did this girl come from?" 

However, she never figured out that she was hot. Therefore, she remained cool, remained nice, and gets with ugly guys because she doesn't know how hot she is. She's like Helen Keller trying to play catch. She just has no idea what's going on. To find one of these women is a rarity. But if you find her, hold on to her. Especially is you're a 5 or below on the 1 to 10 scale. 

@jimboslicee's #TweetoftheDay .. The Mets Are A Joke, We Get It, Now Move On

The Person...

- Kevin Burkhardt @KBurkhardtSNY (Mets SNY Insider)

The Tweet...

- "Dear twitter friends- the Mets "cold stove" jokes stopped being funny 2 years ago. I get it. Move on. Be a little creative at least"

The Reaction...

- Listen, I couldn't be further more away from the fact that I'm a Met fan. The team is in complete financial shambles because of Madoff. But I still believe in Sandy Alderson to make this team respectable.

The bottom line is this team will probably be in the thick of it come June, July like "we think" they always are and then they'll probably tailspin to the end.

And also like I said there is NO MONEY! There isn't going to be any moves. Every time I heard Gio Gonzalez rumor last week I couldn't help but laugh because there was just no way that could happen obviously.

If you want a fine lining about Alderson, that right there tells you all you want to know. At least this guy isnt giving up. And Met fans out there shouldn't either, stick with em

What Was She Drinking?

 

Big Ass Scarf: $60

Metro Card Fare: $2.50

Open Bar Wristband: $30 

Passing out at the bar at your friend's graduation party while sitting straight up: Priceless

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's Talk of the Town to make sure people who can't hold their alcohol get made fun of. I'm sorry, but this was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. This poor girl just passing out at the bar. Her friends were trying to help her out they were like playing with her eyes and shit trying to open them for her and making sure she wasn't dead. It was absolutely amazing. She didn't even drink that much though. I only remember making her a few drinks. Either she was ripping shots with those crazy bastards from England, or she just has the tolerance of a 7 year old girl. But either way, this had to be posted on the site. And you should love every second of it. 

The Wonders Of Makeup

 

Makeup, it's a woman's best friend. Makeup should be considered the number one way women lie to men. Seriously, you're not that pretty once the makeup comes off. I mean some of you are but that's rare. Look at Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen a picture of her without makeup? She doesn't look nearly as good. Yeah her ass is still tremendous, but her face went from a ten to a six and my dick went from hard to soft. 

There are some ladies who don't wear a ton of makeup. And those are the ones who do not need it. I love a girl who doesn't wear a lot of makeup. If you look good with no makeup on, that is the true test of how pretty you are. But if you need thirty pounds of makeup on you, then a guy probably needs somewhere in the ballpark range of twelve shots of Jager just to start talking to you. If you don't need the makeup, don't put it on. 

Also ladies, how many hours of your life do you spend doing makeup that you will never get back? It's like making your bed. Why am I making my bed when I'm just getting right back in it later? It's a waste of time. If you spend an hour a day doing makeup, that's 365 hours a year that you will never get back. Do you know what I would do with 365 extra hours? People might actually read this fucking blog if I had that much time on my hands. 

Long story short girls, that makeup might make you look awesome, but when he wakes up next to you and jumps out of his bed like he just woke up next to Madusa, you'll know why. It's because he's gonna be wondering what happened to that hot girl he was with last night, and he's gonna be wondering why his morning wood just instantaneously became a wet noodle. 

                                       

Why Tim Tebow Sucks Today...

 

Why Tim Tebow Sucks Today...

Well have you all seen this? http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2079684/Tim-Tebow-voted-desirable-celebrity-neighbour-2012.html?ito=feeds-newsxml This is an article that states that Tim Tebow was voted the most desirable celebrity neighbor for 2012. Are you fucking kidding me? Based on what? That he sucks at football and is into religion? Fuck that. I don't want this little bitch as my neighbor. What's he gonna do if I'm not home and my house is getting robbed? Sit there and pray that the guy doesn't take anything? I'm not about that bro. I want a fucking pipe swinger as my next door neighbor. A guy who's gonna murder someone who tries to rob my house when I'm not around. Not a guy who's gonna kiss my baby and come ask me for sugar in a really nice way when he runs out. People are still delusional about this guy and I can't wait until he loses again this weekend. #ItsNeverTebowTime 

Asshole Of The Year Award Candidate #4

 

Vote at: http://talkofthetown.me/blog/castyourvotes/ Or just run your mouse over the blog tab and click on Cast Your Votes. Remember the drunk guy who had to get cut free from the toilet seat getting stuck around his waist? Yes, he is candidate number four. Here is the link and the old post.

http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/news/9308732.Man_cut_free_from_toilet_seat_after_drinking_game_goes_wrong/?ref=rss 

To begin, this guy has been added to the list of candidates for Asshole of the Year. Yes, I am keeping track. Anyway, what's better than getting drunk with your friends and playing a game to see what objects you could fit around your head? I guess in this guys case nothing can be better until you try and fit a toilet seat around your head and then continue to see if it could fit around your body. What happens next? The toilet seat gets stuck around this asshole's torso, he spends two hours trying to wiggle out of it, and then he finally goes to the fire department so they can cut it off. Dude, how fucking drunk were you to think that a toilet seat could fit down your entire body? I think toilet seats stop fitting around human beings at the age of four. It's not a fucking hula hoop bro, and how shitty is your night that you're getting wrecked and trying to fit shit around your head? I will keep up with our latest trend and say that I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul. Oh, and here's a free t-shirt.

She Is One Sneaky Little Woman Who's Not Allowed To Read Or Write...

  

So that title is probably a little much, but I don't really give a fuck. When you're getting your thigh master going and stealing beer under your gigantic skirt I can say whatever I want about you. That's just the way it is. She is a clever one though I will say that. However, if she really thought that no one was gonna see that then her and her two buddies are dumber than I actually thought. It's almost 2012, every place has cameras everywhere. Get a clue. Maybe if they would let you read or write in your country you would know that. But since you're basically a prisoner, you have no idea. 

Sidenote: That was extremely ignorant, but that's just the kind of mood I'm in today, so learn to laugh at yourself and take a fucking joke. 

Thursday: Party Song Of The Weekend

 

No need to explain this one, especially since this weekend is New Years Eve. We're gonna call this segment from now on, "Living it before the radio kills it". We put up some nice beats right before they blow up and then you all remember exactly where you heard it first. Right here at Talk of the Town. Happy New Year everyone. 

@jimboslicee's #TweetoftheDay .. I Hate The Pro Bowl

The Person...

- Peter King (Sports Illustrated Football Insider) @SI_PeterKing

The Tweet...

- "Outrage over Pro Bowl snubs is boring"

The Reaction...

- I agree, who cares anymore about the NFL Pro Bowl. It is thee worst of the four major sport's All Star games. The big facebook status fad is how Eli got the third QB spot over Matt Stafford, Cam Newton and Tony Homo.

The bottom line is Aaron Rodgers or Drew Brees won't be going to Hawaii (one of them will be in the Super Bowl) so that means Newton will get in (He's the first alternate over Stafford for some reason), Then most likely whoever doesn't go to the Super Bowl between Brees and Rodgers will just not go, which then means Stafford.

Problem solved, 6 of the 16 QBs in one league are All Stars.. good look

What Im trying to say is everybody is going to pull out of this Pro Bowl and before you know it the 6 QB's in the Pro Bowl will be David Carr, Vince Young, Charlie Whitehurst, Sanchez, Mark Brunell and Dan Orlovsky

It's a joke.. stop wasting your time complaining about it

Damaged Goods

 

Does everyone know that girl that just happens to be considered damaged goods? I'm pretty sure everyone knows that one girl or even a few girls who are damaged goods. But what does it all mean? What really is damaged goods? Well that's why I'm here, to explain to you what damaged goods really are. 

First and foremost it's not a girl who has had sex before. These days guys aren't expecting any girls to be virgins because that's just not the way it is. I mean logical guys aren't expecting this. If you're a guy and expecting a girl to be a virgin that's like expecting to win the lotto. It's just never gonna happen so go get a real fucking job. 

Now to the damaged goods. Damaged goods aren't just girls who have been around the block in the double digit guy range, there's always more. What also entails damaged goods are women who had an awful break up with one of their ex boyfriends and are now just going on a rampage fucking everything. They're not just physically beaten up, they're mentally shot. They're the equivalent to a towel after a guy nuts on it. It just doesn't have the same softness or consistency anymore. 

You can't have a relationship with these girls because they're so fucked up in the head, and you can't have unprotected sex with them because you'll probably end up with an STD goody bag. I know what the women are gonna say to this. "So guys can bang anyone they want, but if a girl does it she's a slut?" Correct. It takes a lot to be a stud. It requires guys to be good looking in order to bang all these women. There is never a fat, ugly stud. There are always fat, ugly sluts. To be a slut you just have to be there. Therefore, let's put that to rest. And we will also put to rest what qualifies as damaged goods. Good day. 

Don't Be The Person I Blog About

 

I honestly have no idea what this picture actually has to do with anything, I just kind of like the way it looks for some dumb reason. Anyway, this is more of a life lesson than a post, but it's all really the same thing since most of my posts are actually fairly good life lessons. 

This is more of an informative message to everyone out there about not being the person that I blog about. If you see me randomly take out my cell phone out of nowhere, it's because you just said something stupid and I am texting your remark to myself and saving it to write about. 

Basically, if you sound like an idiot and look like a fool, I'll blog about you. If you're a girl and you're hot, you dress or act like a slut, or you just do something stupid; then yes I definitely blog about you. It's not hard to just not be this person who I make fun of. Well, actually it's very hard since I just think of shit to write about people all the time. I like to consider myself a modern day prophet. 

But this is a warning to just not be "that" person. Maybe you wanna be that person, I don't know. But if you want to be that person just know that this isn't making you famous, especially since I do not state names on here. And if you're a Tebow lover, it's best to just never speak of him in front of me because I will make you look like a complete jackass. Just be normal, and no one gets blogged. Is that a simple enough concept? 

No, Her Sister Is Not Helping You

 

You were talking to this girl, she turned out to be a complete bitch, and then you go out one night and get shitfaced and see this girl's sister. You're a nice guy so you go over and say hello to the sister, but you're drunk so you're bound to say something borderline retarded. You should know in advance, her sister's not helping you. 

See what's gonna happen is simple. The sister is going to side with you in an attempt to make you stop talking. Girls will never go against a blood relative, especially their sister. Sisters have like this weird bond with each other. And when I say it's a weird bond I mean they'll talk shit behind each other's back but then proclaim how much they love each other when they're together. It's fucking weird. 

But her sister is never really going to side with you, or help you out for that matter. If anything the sister is just going to make you look like a bigger dummy by running back and telling her sister that she saw you out and all you spoke about was her. And you're a jackass so you'll probably throw around the L word like rappers throw around the word fuck. So you just made your situation go from bad to worse. 

Also, when you spill out your guts to the girl's sister, it makes you look obsessed and when she finds out she just completely wants nothing to do with you. Here's a long story made short. The sister will never help you out, she will just say nice things to get you to shut up and then she will move on with her dull life and search for meaning. If you really want to make an impact, try and slam the sister instead of looking like a jackass. You probably have a much better shot than you would think of that happening. 

What Are Women Thinking When They Walk By Guys?

 

Do you see that? That is pretty much what men do every time a good looking woman passes by them. They also do this when non good looking pass by them. But what I really notice is that men always make comments about women right after they walk by. It doesn't matter where they are, it just always happens just like that. But what do women do when they pass by men? 

Obviously, guys are normally thinking with their dicks anyway. Whenever a woman or a group of hot women walk by guys, the guys always start talking about each woman individually. We tell each other what we like about them, what we don't like about them, and whether or not we would let any of them sit on our face. It's just a rapid reaction to what just occurred. We also do the same thing with non good looking women. We say what we don't like about them, if they have any chance of ever being good looking, and/or how much alcohol it would take for us to bang them.

So what do women do when they walk by men? Do they all start talking to each other and doing the same things that guys do? Do they ask each other who's bones they want to jump? Do they just judge them right away and say which one is an asshole and which one is a nice guy? Basically what I'm asking here is if women think like men? I have no idea. I think that women are just as bad as men in this department, but women don't publicly state things because they actually have filters. 

Ladies, what do you do when a group of guys walk by you? That's all I'm asking here. It's not really a difficult question. Do you even pay attention to the guys who walk by you, or are you just completely oblivious to the situation? I'm siding with that you're just as bad as guys and you go through which one's you would bang and in what order you would do it. But that's just my thinking, what's yours? 

Why Tim Tebow Sucks Today...

 

Why Tim Tebow Sucks Today...

http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/dish/201112/comedian-takes-heat-over-tim-tebow-tweet 

Before I begin, I just want to thank Bob Bobby for the email. Now, this just adds to the list of reasons why Tim Tebow sucks. After he played really shitty and lost this weekend Bill Maher tweeted something along the lines of Jesus really fucked Tim Tebow on Christmas Eve. With that tweet Tebow fans have become outraged and are plotting to cancel their HBO subscriptions. Really? Wah, cry me a fucking river. Tebow's a grown man, he can take care of himself. Just because a comedian makes a joke about him suddenly means that all his fans throw temper tantrums and cancel their HBO packages? Give me a fucking break. People tweet shit about players being shitty all the time, you don't see any of their fans getting all woman on her period and throwing shit fits over it. How about you people stop taking shit so seriously and learn to laugh. Enough is enough, it's never Tebow Time. 

Asshole Of The Year Award Candidate #3

 

http://www.press-citizen.com/article/20110907/NEWS01/109070307/

Do we remember this jackass from back in September? Take a look. Also you can vote on who wins the Asshole of the Year by putting your mouse over the blog tab. Another tab will drop down that says "Cast your votes" and when that does, you click it and cast your vote. All 5 candidates are up there and I will do Candidate #4 tomorrow and Candidate #5 on Friday. 

Let's piece this situation together for a second. A guy walks into a hotel with a shirt wrapped around his face, gets into a fight with the door (yes they described it as him getting into a fight with the door), tries to tie the door shut with a USB cord, then tells the police that he is "double dragon" and will fight everyone. Yeah, there's a lot going on here. First, what is with the shirt wrapped around your face? Are you part of a crew of ninjas that no one knows about? Second, you fought a door. Really? You got into a fight with an inanimate object. That's just mind boggling. Next, trying to tie the door shut with a USB cord. This must be the strongest USB cord in the world because I don't think your run of the mill USB cord has much of a chance of holding a door shut. Maybe I'm wrong, but that seems a bit off. And finally, no one knows or cares what double dragon is, but you're not Jet Li. I'm pretty sure if you tried to fight everyone you would get your ass kicked. The last person I saw say something along those lines got beat up by nine people at the same time. Unless you're the hulk, you will not be winning that fight against everyone. Here is another t-shirt for you to wrap around your face. If I was you I would plead insanity. There's not a judge or jury in the world that couldn't agree with you.

Sucks To Suck...

 

You know what they say, don't be standing on the tracks when the train's coming through and this guy just happened to be on the tracks. Wrong place, wrong time big guy. I love the toughness and the intensity he showed by bouncing right back up but I'm almost positive that once the adrenaline wore off he probably felt as bad as this looked. Main question here however is if the driver was drunk or hallucinating on shrooms, or both. But he's fucked either way. I guess it really does suck to suck. Don't drink and drive kids, you might just run a guy over and into a convenient store. 

Walmart Shopper Wednesday's: The Walmart Shopper Of The Year

 

Ladies and gentlemen here is your 2011 Walmart Shopper of the Year. Out of all the Walmart Shoppers we have seen this year, this guy took the cake and he probably ate it too. He wins for the sheer fact that once you see him in this outfit it could never be unseen. I don't know if it was that bikini top, that picnic tablecloth he is using as a skirt, or the fact that his balls are hanging out through that giant hole in his stockings, but he had by far the best get up walking around Walmart in the year 2011. I also took into account the hours of sleep everyone will automatically lose just by having this image in their head. Congratulations big guy, you win absolutely nothing. Maybe one day when we're famous, but for now you get nothing and maybe a free t-shirt. 

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Cheese Calzone

Late Night Movie: Beverly Hills Ninja

Late Night Song: Home Sweet Home by Motley Crew

Fun Fact: Erotic sensations travel from the skin to the brain at 156mph...Sounds interesting.

Late Night Video:

                                         

Is The Vest Really Necessary?

 

Fella's, is the vest seriously a good look? I mean really, let's get real for a second here. I'm no fashion guru by any means but I just can't find a reason to wear a vest. What is the reasoning behind the vest also? This I have no idea. It's an extremely confusing article of clothing that should probably just be burned. 

First of all, the vest serves no purpose. What does it do? It's like a jacket with no sleeves and way too many buttons. Is it even comfortable? No, it just sits there. It's the part of the tuxedo that no one wants to get fitted for. Ask anyone. And unless you're wearing a tux, there is no reason that a vest should be anywhere within a seventy mile radius of you. 

Next, it's not even a good look. Like why do you only have your arms showing? What's wrong with your torso bro? Is it supposed to be like one of those things that tightens up your gut or something? You can't honestly sit there and tell me that a vest is not a completely useless article of clothing. It doesn't serve a purpose. It's the equivalent to Newman's character in Seinfeld. He serves no purpose, he's just there. 

There should be a shoot on site order for any guy who thinks that a vest actually looks good. Vests do no look good. Most of you morons who wear vests aren't models. You're all 25 year old out of shape italian guys with balding hair. Which in turn makes the vest look even dumber on you. Go with the blazer, it's a much better look and definitely gets you more women. 

The Way Guys Talk About Women

 

I've had this conversation many times before but I'm going to have to talk about it on this shitty blog finally. Isn't it just disgusting the way guys talk about women? Like we talk about women like they're just total objects. Unless of course we like them, then we talk about them like they're the sweetest girl we've ever seen. But for the girls we don't like, who we just want to have sex with, we say the most disgusting things you could imagine. 

For instance, when guys see a hot girl at a bar, we all try to one up each other on what we would do to that specific girl. It starts off with something simple like, "I would definitely nail that chick," and then by the end of the conversation someone will end up saying, "I would just let her make my face her toilet seat." We go from okay that's understandable to I wouldn't let the hottest girl in the world do this to me, but I'm gonna say it to one up everyone else. 

Then there's the girl who your buddy had sex with. Chances are that your buddy doesn't have a filter on his mouth and he'll just say whatever comes to his mind. He'll be the loudest one in the room saying something along the lines of, "Dude you should've seen me pile drive this chick last night," or "I just let her sit on my face for hours last night." It's always over exaggerated and more information than you actually want to hear. But hey, that's the way guys are right?

Yes, sadly this is how we think as men. No filters, always thinking with our dicks, and always trying to one up each other. It's the way the male mind works, but women still accept us for what we are. And that is way overly horny animals who look at most women as objects. There is definitely something to be said for women who take guys in who think like this. 

She Knows She's Hot

 

You know that really hot girl who just happens to know how hot she is? A lot of hot girls don't really realize how hot they really are, but there are always those few who know exactly how hot they are. It's almost the same as a guy knowing he's good looking. He just has a swagger and does what he wants. It's pretty much the same concept with girls. 

What comes with her knowing that she's hot? Basically anything that she wants. She has that whole bitchy demeanor that there isn't a guy out there good enough for her, but if you talk to her like an asshole she'll want you. But she is also able to get any guy that she wants. If she wants him, she'll get him. Why? Because she's hot. When you're a hot girl, persuading guys to hook up with you is easier than finding John Goodman at an all you can eat buffet. 

Another perk of women knowing they're hot are the clothes they wear. They'll dress like a slut just for the sheer fact that they know they can. Not saying that she's definitely a slut, but she definitely knows she's hot enough to dress like a slut. Like any girl, even though she's hot she still wants to grab all the male attention in the room. If that means her tits are hanging out and the bottom of her ass cheeks are showing, so be it. She loves every second of it. 

Every guy loves a girl who knows she's hot. Mainly because we know we'll never lose interest because we'll always be chasing her. You can't tame a hot girl who knows she's hot. And you don't want to because that's not why you like her. You like her because she's hot, she knows it, and you know every other guy out there would love to be having sex with her. It's very simple.  

Why Tim Tebow Sucks Today...

 

Why Tim Tebow Sucks Today...

Tim Tebow sucks today for the sheer fact that he could probably bang any girl he wants, yet he has a girlfriend. Why? You were the quarterback for the University of Florida, you are now in the NFL making some pretty good fucking money to suck, and you have a girlfriend. I'm totally looking past the face that you don't even bang her, I'm just asking why a guy like you would only want to choose one vagina instead of having your pick of numerous vagina's? It doesn't make sense to me, and it doesn't make sense to anyone else. Long story short, you probably have a vagina and you need to grow a pair of balls soon. If you expect to win this weekend you'll need those balls. But guess what? Kyle Orton is coming to town and costing you the AFC West this weekend. Remember who said it last week, this guy right here. Good day to all. 

Asshole Of The Year Candidate #2

 

I wish I had the video for you guys but it turns out that this asshole has made the video private and it is no longer available for public viewing. However, do you all remember the giant asshole who tried to chug a bottle of Everclear? Well he is Asshole of the Year candidate #2. Chugging a bottle of 190 proof liquor is never the answer to your problems guy. Why? Because you end up doing things such as pissing yourself, getting into a fight with your refrigerator, talking to an imaginary person and winding up in the hospital. All good reasons for you to be a candidate for Asshole of the Year, and taking the video off the internet doesn't help your cause. If I was choosing I wouldn't even need to look at the other candidates, you would win. But I guess we'll see what the fans think. 

Dude Is In The Fucking Zone...

 

Not now chief, he's in the fucking zone. Dude is just absolutely raging all by himself in his car. My main question here is how does this not give you a headache? Like really bro, you're going way too hard for a guy who's sitting in a parking lot by himself. You know what you really need? You need to get laid. You obviously have a lot of semen back up in you and it shows with you banging your head non stop for twenty minutes. I would have loved to see you just knock yourself out on the steering wheel, but you can't win them all I guess right? 

Tuesday: Things I Wish I Could Tell My Girlfriend

 

This Week:

13) You're not that hot

Previous Weeks:

1) You should've seen this chick I banged last night

2) Bet your ass that when we break up I'm gonna try and bang all your hot friends

3) I slept with your best friend

4) You look fat in those jeans

5) I've had better

6) All your guy friends are trying to nail you

7) You've gained a few pounds 

8) I can't believe you let me go raw right away

9) Your sister is hotter than you 

10) Let's have a threesome with your Mom because she didn't mind having sex with me yesterday

11) I totally forgot to pull out last night

12) The number of girls I've had sex with is about three times more than you think it is

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Pastrami on Rye

Late Night Movie: Last of the Mohicans

Late Night Song: Feel It by Tiesto and Three 6 Mafia

Fun Fact: The smallest penis ever recorded was 5/8 of an inch...Well that's a terrible place to be.

Late Night Video:

                                        

Is This The Biggest Christmas Scam Ever Created?

 

http://www.elfontheshelf.com/ 

What the fuck is this? This my friends is what they call the Elf on the Shelf. What the fuck does it do exactly? It doesn't actually do anything. It's a scam to lie to your kids to get them to be good around Christmas time. The whole purpose of this fucking thing is to tell your kids that this little dumb doll flies around your house watching you and every night the parents move it to a new location. How dumb are our children that they believe something like this? This is the biggest marketing sham on the planet. Seriously, this might be a bigger scam than Bernie Madoff pulled. Like you actually have parents convinced that their kids are gonna be good because this stupid fucking toy elf is gonna be "flying" around their house. This is just America getting softer than baby shit. Lying to our children, telling them that this little gay elf is watching them, and not letting them know right off the bat that there's no Santa Clause. What's next? The fucking Easter Bunny hopping around your kitchen hiding eggs? We wonder why China beats us in every aspect of brains, and it's because of shit like this fucking Elf on the Shelf. 

The DUFF Crew

 

As we all know every good looking girl has a DUFF. To refresh your memory a DUFF is the Designated Ugly Fat Friend. Also to refresh your memory, the DUFF is used as a tool for good looking women to look even better while they are out in public. Notice how I have used the term DUFF as singular this entire time. Singular as in only one. 

Now, last night I just so happened to notice a sight that I have never seen before. It was an entire crew of DUFF's. Not just one, not just two, but four full fledged DUFF's out in public sucking down beers like it was their day job. I was astonished when I saw this happening. I didn't think that DUFF's actually hung out together. I thought that DUFF's got separated from each other like the slaves were separated from their families back when there was slavery. I really did think that DUFF's were bought by hot women one at a time to do with what they want. 

But as I witnessed the Dallas Cowboys offensive line walk in I was in utter amazement. I couldn't believe what was happening. There was no way that this could be real. Why would DUFF's want to hang out with each other? There is absolutely no way that a group of DUFF's could possibly end up getting any guys whatsoever. Like a group of DUFF's can't even get it in with funny fat guys, it's just not possible. 

Is this a new thing? Have DUFF's been released from their usual purpose? The purpose of making hot women look better is now in jeopardy. We need to stop the congregation of DUFF's immediately, if not only for drunk guys, but for hot women everywhere as well. 

Why Tim Tebow Sucks Today...

 

Why Tim Tebow Sucks Today...

Well, Tim Tebow sucks today because if he really is Jesus then why couldn't he win to give himself a birthday present? Exactly, suck it. He's not Jesus, he's just extremely religious and a shitty Quarterback in the NFL. Actually, he's a shitty quarterback anywhere to be totally honest with you, not even just the NFL. He also sucks because I have never seen a guy so happy after throwing four interceptions against a shitty team. This Sunday could be it for Jesus and his disciples out in Denver. If Kyle Orton comes back to town and causes the Broncos to not win the division title it will easily be the greatest thing that's ever happened to the NFL. Why? Because Elway will then have a reason to not bring back the Messiah next season. See ya Tebow! Have fun going to Jacksonville and being an H-Back. 

Asshole Of The Year Award Candidate #1

 

I have 5 candidates, for our Asshole Of The Year Award. Starting today I will post the candidates and hopefully if all goes well we will have you the fans vote for the winner. Here is contestant choice one and what I wrote about it on that day. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/19/men-locked-inside-police-car_n_902409.html 

It's official, these two are definitely candidates for the Asshole of the YEAR Award. What did these two assholes do exactly? After getting trashed at a party, they walked down the block where they found a police van. They decided it would be a great idea to go into the van and take pictures of themselves pretending to get arrested. In the midst of all this, dumb and dumber somehow managed to get locked inside the van where they smokes cigarettes and spit all over the place. Why you would spit all over the place in a van, I have no idea. But we're not exactly dealing with geniuses here. A friend then found them in the van, couldn't open it, and called 911. When 911 showed up, they obviously got arrested. Let all of that sink in for a second. Good. How dumb do you have to be to go into a police van to take pictures of yourselves pretending to get arrested? Then how dumb do you have to be to lock yourselves inside? I know we have all done stupid things when we've gotten drunk, but it is almost impossible to top this. I am sending the both of you a box of t-shirts each. When you two decided to leave that party, stupidity won in straight sets. Have a nice day.

Will they win the Asshole(s) of the Year Award? You will decide. 

Sweet Ceiling Bro

 

Well, looks like these assholes will not be getting their security deposits back. My main question is how hammered were these dudes that they thought this was a good idea? Like I have no idea why you would think this is smart to do. This is actually about as smart as blow drying your hair while sitting in the bathtub. It's just not smart. Look on the bright side, no one died, and now you have a flying saucer in the middle of your ceiling. Have a great new year jackass. 

Monday: Movie Clip Of The Week

 

Quite honestly, if this clip from Ace Ventura doesn't make you laugh, then there's gotta be something wrong with you. This is a hilarious clip from a hilarious movie and it is just the right clip to start off the week before New years. Enjoy!

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Key Lime Pie

Late Night Movie: A Christmas Story

Late Night Song: Have A Holly Jolly Christmas 

Fun Fact: 7.6 million Christmas Trees are sold each year...That's a lot of fucking trees. 

Late Night Video:

                                        

I Just Figured Out Why Rex Ryan Talks Shit All The Time...

 

I have just figured out why Rex Ryan loves to talk shit all the time. Well, it should be obvious if you know anything about that fat bastard. He loves talking shit all the time because he loves getting his foot put in his mouth afterwards. Once again big Sexy Rexy just talking shit and getting that foot shoved right down his throat. But hey, it's nothing new for him, he loves that shit anyway. Another loss doesn't just prove why you can't have a fat loud mouth as your coach; it also proves that you can't have a guy who has a foot fetish as your coach. Oh, it's on you if your team loses? Damn right it is mother fucker, you had chances to take that game over and you didn't. And that look on your face after the Chris Canty safety and that look after Bradshaw ran it in to put the game away were priceless. Can you hear that? That may just be the sound of the unemployment line big guy. Looks like no more late night trips to McDonald's for you when you're out of a job. If I was Tom Coughlin I would have made you massage my feet after this game ended. See you in four years asshole.