I didn't want to go out last night, but I went out for exactly one beer and I had blog material in a matter of thirty three seconds. Can I just explain what it is like to go out in Staten Island, New York? It could actually end up being the weirdest experience of your life. It will never be a good experience, and you will always want to leave within a matter of minutes. But I just stick around for the stories you get to tell about it afterwards.
First and foremost, there is no general crowd and the music doesn't fit the place. The crowd ranges from adults in their 50's to people my age. Also, it's all house and techno music in a bar. Think prototypical sports bar, and you will realize how badly the music doesn't fit the place. There's not even a dance floor anywhere in site. Now, when the range of a place is from 22 to 50, you know you're in for a few laughs. You have forty year old women grinding on each other like they're 20 because they just got divorced and still think they're hot. You have a guy wearing a white turtleneck with a black leather jacket like he should be in the show Happy Days, and you also have the biggest tool on the face of the earth wearing a long black winter coat with a scarf when it's literally like 52 degrees outside. You are also wondering why this tool has the hottest girl in the place. Probably because it's Staten Island and she's probably after what's in his pockets.
Then we have my favorite person of the night. If you're gonna know one thing about Staten Island it's that everyone grows up short and angry and that is why they all think they're tough guys. There was this guy who had to be about in his mid 30's. He was wearing a grey v-neck, he was tanner than Pauly D, and he had spiked hair. He also stuck his tongue out and grinned every time he said hello to someone. But as I was just in awe of this guy I was trying to hard not to laugh in his face. He only stood at about 5'4, and his back was to the bar. As he faced the crowd he had his beer in his left hand, and he was holding it with a napkin. I guess it was too cold for his little hands. Then he was sticking his tongue out and shuffling back and forth and bobbing his head to Sexy and I Know It. I can't actually explain to you how I didn't almost die laughing in his face, but I'm sure if I stayed any longer I would have.
What was also great about this place was that we were convinced that there was a baby in the bar. This girl had to be about 4'3. I'm short, I'm 5'9 and she was below my nipples. But that's neither here or there. As you looked around the place last night you realized one thing. If you're gonna go out on Staten Island, you do it for material, if you want to get a good laugh, or if you have a drinking problem. But going out just to go out on this place should never be an option. I had a worse time than Gwyneth Paltrow during the making of Shallow Hal (get it, because she had to make out with Jack Black).
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