Late Night Menu: Lamb Gyro
Late Night Programming: Blue Mountain State
Late Night Song: Farmer's Daughter by Rodney Atkins
Fun Fact: You forget 90% of your dreams...Yeah, sounds about right.
Late Night Video:
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Jersey Shore Pretty
Today there was proof the world is ending in 2012. Someone had sex with Snooki without a condom and hasn't died of syphilis yet. Instead, we get to bear witness to a beautiful child that will compete with Kourtney Kardashian's baby for youngest T.V. sellout. In honor of this momentous event that will get more press coverage than silly things like world news, I decided to outline what it means when a girl is "Jersey Shore" Pretty.
For any girl that’s ever been the wingwoman in a group of guys, you know what it’s like to watch them try to go home with a 10, and wind up settling for a 3. But there is nothing, NOTHING worse than them finding a girl they think is a smoking 10, but is in reality a troll. I’m not talking about Tina two-teeth turning into Gisele Bundchen after an entire bottle of Jack. These are girls guys actually think are hot, because the male brain is trained to look for certain key characteristics before they actually register the face. Well guys, let me take your blinders off here for a sec. Jersey shore pretty girls are like Monet paintings: from far away they have all the right assets but up close it looks like someone threw a bucket of make-up on a scratchy canvas. From far away they have:
- Platinum Blonde hair, usually hairsprayed into curls of steel. Or jet black hair, it says “look at me, I’m mysterious and exotic”. These girls are usually as exotic as the pole they just got off at the bar.
- Huge boobs. Don’t be fooled, unless she's wearing tissue paper over their nipples there's about a 95% chance she's is wearing two bras and possibly some duck tape under that rack
- Big eyes, outline with fake eyelashes and enough black eyeshadow to keep a coal mine running for 6 weeks
- Fake tan. This is usually accompanied by a cloud of perfume surrounding the girl wherever she goes to cover up the dirt smell.
- Lip gloss- when the club lights reflect the shine it helps hide the herpes
These are all good features, but then you look at the face and think “ugh, Michael Jackson and Tara Reid had a baby.” Guys see the hair, the tan, the boobs and they go straight in. Meanwhile while I’m hanging back in the corner thinking about what would happen if I threw a bucket of water at her. “I’m melting, I’m melting!” Good news is these girls usually won’t stay the night after you sleep with them, it takes too much effort to paint on that masterpiece in the morning. So when guys ask me “do you think she’s hot?” and I say “yea she’s Jersey shore pretty” this is what I mean.
DISCLAIMER: When I say Jersey shore pretty, I don’t mean that every girl from the Jersey shore looks like this or is ugly. I’m referring to the fact that they have the “Jersey Shore” look (lots of make-up, fake tan, etc…). I have a ton of friends from the Jersey shore that are extremely hot and exotic.
Five Ways To Fuck It Up Once You're In...
Yeah I know these girls aren't great especially casper on the right but deal with it. Anyway, you've done the work and you're already in the door you can't possibly fuck this up can you? Yeah, you actually can. I will give you the top five ways to fuck it up once you're in.
5) Take out your cell phone bro: You want to fuck it up? Just be on your cell phone the entire time you're with this chick. that'll make her feel special as you text your friends telling them how drunk you wanna get with them afterwards as you try to slam this chick.
4) Get your obnoxious on: Go out with her and be completely obnoxious and ignorant. Chew with your mouth open and eat in a disgusting way with your hands. Add in a nice loud burp and you're all set. Then at the end of the night talk about how shitty the service was and justify your $2 tip.
3) You're the fucking man: Why not just cut to the chase and talk about how great you are? You're the fucking man right? Yeah, most likely. So why not just reiterate to her how awesome you are and how much everyone else sucks. I'm sure she'll love that.
2) Talk about the girls you bang: It's just what every girl wants to hear, how many girls you've slayed throughout your time in the game. You don't want to hear who she's been piped out by, so I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to hear who you've stuck your dick in.
1) Be "That Guy": Be the guy who orders for her, doesn't really care about what she has to say and act like you're a celebrity. Also, be the guy who leaves the tip on the table at the beginning of the night and tells the waitress that you're pulling a dollar away for every fuck up. Anything else? Yeah, ask her to split the bill with you. Pretty sure you will surely never see her again.
How To Get It In, Without Looking Like You're Trying To Get It In
You just met a girl, and you're ultimate goal here is just to try and get it in. You don't want a relationship, you don't want to get too attached, all you're looking for is to hit it and forget it. But this girl isn't a slut, you're gonna have to put some work in. You need to try to get it in, without looking like you're trying to get it in. Like this guy in the picture up top just straight giving ab workout lessons in the park while he tries to get some tang.
How do you go about this? Well, first of all you need to text her, not every day, but you need to shoot some texts. Texting is putting in some work. You need to make her start to feel comfortable with you. If you're just trying to nail a slut off the street it doesn't matter if she's comfortable or not, she's gonna spread her legs like Moses parted the Red Sea. But this one's not a slut, you need to talk and get her comfortable with you.
So let's say you're on an every other day texting regimen. Now you need to text her ONLY when you have plans. That way it's not like you're just trying to hang out with her only and be awkward. Other people are there who she probably knows and she's now in a more comfortable setting. You talk, hopefully you make a move and actually make out with her and now the ball is really rolling.
By the third hang out amongst friends should be about that time where you approach getting it in. She's comfortable, she thinks you like her, and it's go time. It's fucked up because you're probably not gonna want to talk to her again unless it's just to have sex. But at this point, she'll want to have sex with you if you can do a good job laying the wood. This is how you get it in, without looking like you're trying to get it in.
Scheming With Friends...
Words with Friends, it has been going on for so long now and has grown so much that it is now a fan favorite for everyone with an iphone, android or even a facebook account. You can play anytime, anywhere, and most importantly, with anyone. And that is the key to what I am about to explain, the fact that you can play with anyone.
Words with Friends has now become the equivalent of the facebook poke. Let's just say you see on facebook that someone has words with friends. Your facebook is now linked with your cell phone so you have facebook friends in your phone who's numbers you do not have. Now it gets interesting. You can play with anyone of those facebook friends from your phone because they also have words with friends.
Now you play that girl who you used to "go out" with in like seventh grade. You don't have her number, but guess what? You can message each other through words with friends. Suddenly she messages you and you exchange numbers and it's off to the races. Words with Friends has now gotten you speaking to this girl you knew when you were younger and now you're making plans to hang out. What happens from there is up to you.
Words with Friends has now become Scheming with Friends. It is a new way to scope out prey and scheme on a girl who you know, but you don't really talk to often. Is it an innocent game of scrabble? Or is it a seed planted that you are hoping to bang once it grows into a plant? I'm saying it's a seed. Who needs Match.com when you can just scheme with friends?
If You're Driving With A Sex Toy In Your Ass You Probably Look Like This Guy...
Is it gay to drive with a sex toy up your ass? I'm gonna say yes because why would any straight guy be driving with anything in his ass. Personally, my ass is an exit only doorway so I really can't see this being particularly straight to begin with. Now, if I had to pick a guy driving with a sex toy up his ass it would be this guy. Checkout that mug, it has "dildo in my ass" written all over it. But wait, it gets better. Not only did he have a dildo up his ass while he was driving, but he rear ended another driver because his blood alcohol level was five times the legal limit. Now isn't that ironic. Just a gay dude who loves to party with sex objects up his ass. And then to finish it all off, he pulled out his ass plug in the back of the patrol car and soiled himself on the way to the police station. Dude just really not giving a fuck just shitting his pants in the back seat of a cop car. You gotta love the intensity this guy brings to the table. He'll be in heaven in the state penitentiary where he won't need an ass plug because he'll have the real thing when he becomes Bubba's bitch.
Asshole Of The Day Award
You mistake a jar of gasoline for a jar of either water or alcohol and you decide to take a swig. You then realize it's gasoline and spit it out, getting it on your clothes. Then you decide that you're not gonna change your clothes because who wouldn't wanna smell like gasoline all day right? And finally, you light a cigarette and you light yourself on fire and die. Sounds like a real life version of the gasoline fight in Zoolander to me. Hey bro, gasoline is flammable, you might want to change your shirt next time. Although there clearly won't be a next time because you're kinda dead. But whatever, you still get a free t-shirt out of the ordeal. I like my burn victims extra crispy...Too soon?
Good Friends...
Some awesome friends this bitch has. She's just parlaying trying to blow out her birthday candles when the bitch in the tie-dye t-shirt just straight plows her head into the cake and the birthday girl is down for the count. Other signs of good friends in this video are the camera person who is laughing, and the girl in the sombrero hat who doesn't seem to really give a rats ass, she's just gonna stick her finger in there and grab some frosting while her girl just lays there like a spineless jellyfish. Real fucking cool girls, you might as well have just slammed her face into there while the candles were still lit. You could've knocked her out and lit her face on fire, the best of both worlds.
Walmart Shopper Wednesday's
There should really be a law that if your body resembles anything that looks like this, you're not allowed to wear a shirt that shows any skin whatsoever. And my question is does she have some sort of defect where everything she eats goes directly to her gut? Because she clearly looks like she lost her ass and the rest of her lower half in a poker game. Look at it this way, if she starts working out her legs she can probably play defensive line for a few different NFL teams, so at least that's something to look forward to. And did I mention the lovely cargo pocket on her jeans? That's classy.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
The Late Night Special
Late Night Menu: Ben & Jerry's Americone Dream
Late Night Programming: Ghost Hunters
Late Night Song: It's America by Rodney Atkins
Fun Fact: It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with a years supply of footballs...Now that's something to think about.
Late Night Video:
How You Can Tell She's Into You...
It's that first date fella's, it's the time where neither of you have any idea what each other is really like in person and you're trying to feel her out a little bit. She will give signs that she is into you, you just have to be able to open your eyes and recognize them.
The Cell Phone: If she is off her cell phone and focused on you, she's definitely into you. Girls love their phones and might as well just have it surgically attached to their hand. If she's not on it, not thinking about it, and just having a great conversation with you, you're off to a good start.
The Cute Laugh: Unless you're out with like Nick Mangold's sister, I'm pretty sure every girl has a cute laugh. They also all have an annoying laugh to go with it. But, they're not comfortable with you enough yet to let the annoying one loose. If you get the cute one that's a little restrained but makes them sound adorable, she's clearly into you.
She's Talkative: We all know women can be nervous and timid at first, especially on a first date. If she's talkative, she's into you. Not like crazy and I'm gonna become a stalker because I think we're getting married talkative; but more like you don't have to force conversations and new topics because she's interested in what you two are talking about.
The Smile: If you get that smile with like an eye thing, you know what I'm talking about. It's hard to explain but they smile and then they do this thing with their eyes and they look away for a second. Any girl who is into any guy does it and every female knows exactly what I mean. Once she does that you are in there like swim wear baby.
She'll Sit Facing You: This is really the final test at the end of your night. Take her to a bar after dinner. Not a crowded one, but a nice quaint little place where you two can keep on talking. If you're sitting at the bar and she is sitting tilted towards you, she's clearly into you. Now you're most likely not getting laid on the first date, but at the very least she'll stick her tongue down your throat.
Mets Management Really Showing No Hope, Buys Mets Underdog T-Shirts...
How do you know your management has zero faith in you? When your owner goes out and buys everyone on the team Underdog t-shirts. Underdog is like a 1960's cartoon for those of you who don't know, and that's his symbol on the shirt. You would think there are other, better ways to tell your team that they suck and that 60 wins would be a miracle. Come on bro, is this a fucking joke? The Mets are already a mockery of an organization and now you're just adding to the side show of this circus. And to add to it, your star player is pissed off because of the whole thing. David Wright just coming out and saying he doesn't like this idea. And I agree with Wright, fuck this shit. You want your team to be confident? Then don't give them shirts depicting them as the underdog. Now you just gave them an excuse for losing. Thank you once again Wilpons, just adding my misery as a fan of this fucking franchise.
Ladies, We Really Do Trust You But...
Alright ladies, listen up. You all want to talk about how we don't trust you when you go out. Here's the truth of the matter, we do trust you, we really do. It's just that there are two things that we don't trust when you're out. These two things are simple, we don't trust every human being with a penis and we don't trust your drunk alter ego.
What am I talking about? Let's start with every human being with a penis, men. Men do not trust other men as far as they can throw each other. It's just not plausible. Why? Because every guy is an asshole, we know because we are assholes. Guys will find their way into situations to manipulate girls like you who have boyfriends and get you to cheat on us. Because all guys are scumbags and we have all done it to some poor girl before. So really, it's not you we don't trust; it's them.
And then we have your drunk alter ego. What's your drunk alter ego? It's the side of you that decides you're gonna flirt and get all touchy feely with every guy at the bar when we're not around. You're drunk and you're stupid. You think it's harmless to go and whisper in that guys ear, meanwhile he's thinking you want to suck his dick. You also think it's okay to grind on that other guy on the dance floor. Meanwhile you don't realize that you're simulating having sex, therefore, that's not the least bit okay.
So when we tell you that we trust you we actually mean it. But when we tell you that we don't trust every other guy out there and your drunk alter ego we mean that as well. You need to realize where we're coming from. We know guys, you don't. We know how you are when you're drunk, you don't realize it. It's not hard to understand. We do trust you, it's just the other factors that we don't trust. And if you're ending up in a bathroom with some random dude at a bar, don't say we didn't warn you.
Asshole(s) Of The Day Award
Just a good old sex sting in the state of Florida, sounds like your run of the mill Tuesday to me. Nineteen people got arrested for soliciting prostitutes and all this other creepy shit, but one guy actually stood out above the rest. This guy was like Dwight Howard at a high school basketball clinic. He just sticks out like a sore thumb when he tells detectives that he specifically asked for unprotected sex because he wanted to contract a disease. Really bro? What the fuck is wrong with you? Just looking to contract STD's and pass it on to his wife. I guess that's his dream way to kill his wife, just give her AIDS. Regardless, this is the most deranged and fucked up thing I have ever heard. Take the t-shirt. I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul.
You Think This Guy's A Little Mad?
What's wrong bro? A little mad because you got arrested for throwing around the F bomb like it's a staple in the english language? No big deal, just write a letter to the dude who arrested you and go on probably one of the most epic rants ever. However, it would have been way cooler if you weren't socially awkward and stumbling over your words half the time. Either way, nicely done. Your slim chances of getting any pussy have now dropped from about 7% to 0.
Tuesday: Things I Wish I Could Tell My Girlfriend
This Week:
22) Your performance in bed last night was not the usual
Previous Weeks:
1) You should've seen this chick I banged last night
2) Bet your ass that when we break up I'm gonna try and bang all your hot friends
3) I slept with your best friend
4) You look fat in those jeans
5) I've had better
6) All your guy friends are trying to nail you
7) You've gained a few pounds
8) I can't believe you let me go raw right away
9) Your sister is hotter than you
10) Let's have a threesome with your Mom because she didn't mind having sex with me yesterday
11) I totally forgot to pull out last night
12) The number of girls I've had sex with is about three times more than you think it is
13) You're not that hot
14) Your best friend is the biggest bitch I know
15) He calls you because he wants to bang you
16) I would go to jail to bang your brother's 16 year old girlfriend
17) You shouldn't be wearing that slutty outfit when I'm not around
18) I'm a great wing man
19) You give sub par head
20) How come I never actually get anything out of Valentine's Day?
21) Who wouldn't want to have sex with me?
Monday, February 27, 2012
The Late Night Special
Late Night Menu : DOMINOS PIZZA
Late Night Programming : Sportscenter - Good Ol' Faithful
Late Night Song : Ball and A Biscuit by The White Stripes
Fun Fact : Johnny Baseball's 21st birthday is in exactly one week. Monday, March 5th, 2012
Late Night Video : Chappelle Show Player Haters Ball....classic
:
Why You Can't Bang Chatty Cathy
We all know her, we all don't love her, and we probably all want to severely injure her from time to time. It's the girl everyone knows as Chatty Cathy, and she talks more than any normal person that you actually know. And I am going to explain to you why you can't bang her; and no I'm not talking about the nine year old in the picture up top.
What does Chatty Cathy love to do? Chatty Cathy loves to talk. Now, what are the normal characteristics of a Chatty Cathy? She's immature, she doesn't shut the fuck up, and she only talks about herself all day long. She also talks about herself with no regard for what other people are trying to say, and stories that never actually have a purpose. When someone does nothing but talk about themself for hours on end there's only two things that you want to do. Either kill her, or kill yourself. Those are your only options.
Now I want you to picture this. You just banged Chatty Cathy, it's three in the morning and all you want to do is go the fuck to sleep. Why can't you? Oh, wait, because she's doing nothing but fucking talking the entire time. And she will do nothing but talk, because she'll have energy since women have all this built up energy after they have sex. You're trying to sleep, and she's poking you and elbowing you while she's talking to keep you awake all fucking night. Basically, you're either gonna end up in jail because you kill her by suffocating her with a pillow, or you're gonna end up in a coffin because you're gonna blow your brains out.
Next time your town Chatty Cathy comes around, see how many times she uses the words I or me. Then see how many times she ruins your conversation with someone else by talking over the two of you trying to get your attention. And then you will realize that there is no possible way you can bang Chatty Cathy. Chatty Cathy's are the girls who end up buried in a sand dune because their boyfriend can't take it anymore. And there is never a judge or jury who could prosecute the boyfriend of a dead Chatty Cathy. They already know the deal.
A Late Night Snack On The West Side Highway
Sometimes there are just stories that need to be shared with the world, and I feel like this is one of those stories. Why? Because it was something that you probably would never think is fathomable. Not that people have never done this or that this is unheard of, it's just the location of where this was happening made for a great story.
It's Friday night and I just get out of work. I'm with two of my best friends and B Slata's sister. We are driving along the west side highway. Now, for those of you who don't know, the west side highway is like a three lane street with lights. It's more of a boulevard than an actual highway. Now, to get to the other side of the highway we almost died. My boy was driving down a side street thinking he was gonna cross to the other side of the highway, but it turns out there was a divider there. We got about three feet from the divider before he turned. As he was driving I didn't know if it was gonna be good or bad, but I knew something cool was about to happen. He pulled a right hand turn on the dot at about 70mph, through a light and then whipped an illegal U-turn to get to the other side of the highway.
Now is where the story gets good. There are only three lanes on this thing and no shoulder to pull over. There's a red light and we're in the middle lane. We look to the left and there is a car just sitting there. No one in the driver's seat, and the passenger's seat all the way down towards the back. We don't see anyone so we're wondering what the fuck is going on here. Then we see the top of a woman's head in the back seat. It was clear now, there was a dude going down on her. So yes, there is now a dude going down on some chick, while he has his hazards on in the left lane of a highway at 3:30 in the morning. Now, every single person in the car is looking. Me being the asshole that I am, is trying to to get a video of this for the blog. As I'm trying to get the video, I guess the chick saw everyone in the car looking and this dudes head just pops up in the front seat faster than a whack a mole at the arcade. Through all this, the light is still red and now we're caught with this guy staring at us like he's about to pull out a gun.
Finally, the light turns and we book it never actually stopping to think what had just happened. What would make a man stop his car in the middle of a live highway, put his hazards on and start going down on a girl? I mean if we're talking about going down on Kate Upton and this is your only chance, then yes, by all means I'm doing it. But if it's just your run of the mill 6 on the scale of 1 to 10, then no. Like I'm not going out of my way for stale cracker jacks. I'll eat the stale cracker jacks, but I'm not going the extra mile for them. I don't know what this guy's deal was. But we caught in the act a late night snack on the west side highway.
Sidenote: Realistically, how hot does a girl have to be for you to stop everything you're doing, put your car in park on a highway, and just start going to town on her?
I Am Not Impressed With The Big Ten Conference
I'm a big fan of college basketball, it's one of those things that you either love it or hate it there's just no in between. However, the one thing that I can't stand in college basketball, especially this season, is how everyone is in love with the Big Ten. I have to tell you, I am not at all impressed.
Michigan State is probably the best team in the Big Ten. They're good. They have good wins, and outside the loss to Northwestern, they don't really have any bad losses. But the rest of the conference I am not impressed with. Am I looking at numbers? A little bit. Am I looking at who they have lost to? Yeah, a little bit. But am I looking at the eye test? Yes, a lot of it has to do with the eye test. Having a bunch of ranked mediocre teams only makes you a conference with a bunch of ranked mediocre teams, it doesn't make you a good conference.
I watched two teams who are not only considered two of the best teams in the conference, but two of the best teams in the country in Ohio State and Wisconsin play yesterday and I wanted to rip my eyes out with a sharp object. Sullinger is supposed to be this dominating big man, yet he went twenty minutes without scoring a point with a sub par athlete defending him the entire game. Then Wisconsin's offense bunches everyone up outside the three point line every time down. They have three or four guys on the same side of the court ninety percent of the time. And no one is underneath the basket, and their seven foot white guy who can't dribble is handling the ball and shooting three pointers. Explain to me where this makes sense.
Then people want to talk how there's not a bad loss in the conference. Really? Tell that to Indiana who got beat my Nebraska and blown out by Iowa. Or tell that to Ohio State and Michigan who both lost to Illinois. I don't wanna hear about Iowa being a bubble team, they're 15-14, the only thing they should be a bubble team for is the NIT. RPI my ass, how about looking at teams and telling if they can play or not?
Yeah, college basketball is watered down a ton this year, but to say that the Big Ten is by far and away the best conference is ridiculous. I think the Big East and the ACC are better conferences than the Big Ten. How? Just by watching I see better athletes and better basketball players. Teams in the Big Ten have a lot of losses to a lot of bad teams. And just in that area alone I don't think you can consider them great basketball teams.
This Just In, One Out Of Every Four Women Is A Whore...
I mean it's not like we didn't already know that women could be whores but this just brings you to a totally different level. A study has found that one out of every four women dates three men at a time. Three men at a time? Really? You might as well just get the train run on you every weekend, it's the same thing. You're dating three guys at once, which means you're probably banging three guys at once and clearly that's not good for any of the parties involved. Imagine you get knocked up, how the fuck do you know which one the father is? Then imagine telling the other two that it's not theirs, I'm sure that'll go over well. Just women being women and not thinking things through all the way because they think they have it all figured out. You all want us to respect you and then you go around getting slammed by three dudes at once. It's really hard to respect a girl who's on a steady diet of three cocks a week. But what do I know? I'm just the guy who writes the blogs you read all day.
Asshole Of The Day Award
Shout out to the Sloth man for this one. I have a question. What makes you wake up one day and say to yourself, "I think I'm gonna get naked and steal a fire truck today,"? No I know they're not saying it in the article, but I am speculating that either drugs, alcohol, or both were involved in this matter. Why? Oh I don't know, maybe because he got naked and drove a fire truck through town like Rob Gronkowski hammered and driving a wheel barrel filled with cinderblocks down a hill. Just completely out of control with no regard for anyone in the way. Wait, and then after he crashed the fire truck he decide to start assaulting two police officers. Nice try bro, I would've tazed you faster than John Goodman gets to the food at his dinner table. Here's your t-shirt big guy. I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul.
Why Morons Shouldn't Feed Wild Animals...
Way to go jackass. What'd you think you were feeding a fucking baby deer or some type of bitch ass animal with no claws and no teeth? Well news flash, you were feeding a baby jaguar and a baby puma, those are animals that are born to kill other animals, including human beings. Why the fuck would you put the animal flat on your hand thinking everything is all fucking peachy keen? Now your hand is probably looking like you got a railroad spike shoved through it, and you feel like the biggest asshole on the face of the earth. I have zero sympathy for you. It's like the people who swim with sharks. If you get eaten it;s your own fault. I also think you should be denied medical attention for being this stupid. Next time try and use the brain in your head, no matter how tiny it may be.
Monday: Movie Clip Of The Week
Nothing separates the north and south more than dialogue, as evidence of this weeks movie clip from My Cousin Vinny. No matter where you're from anyone can appreciate a movie that sends an italian from the city down to Alabama with his girlfriend to try and win a court case. Have a great week.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
The Late Night Special
Late Night Menu: Corn Bread
Late Night Programming: Food Paradise (Travel Channel)
Late Night Song: Flying With The White Lion by Greedy Irish
Fun Fact: The NBA All Star Game is horrendous
Late Night Video:
Sit On My Face Sunday's: Swimsuit Cover Battle
VS
On today's version of Sit On My Face Sunday's we have a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover Model battle royal. We have this years beautiful cover model Kate Upton, and then we go back ten years and grab Yamila Diaz-Rahi, the 2002 cover model. No man would have a complaint of either one of these women sitting on their face I'm sure. But gun to my head if I had to pick one I think I have to go with the veteran in Yamila Diaz-Rahi here. Why? It's actually quite simple, she's spanish, which means she has a phenomenal ass. I'm not saying Kate Upton doesn't have a great ass, but Yamila almost has more of a sexy porn star type look to her where Kate has kind of that good girl I'm only 19 but I still have huge cans look. And yes I know Kate does a mean dougie, but Yamila probably does a mean squat and she could squat right on my nose any day of the week.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
The Late Night Special
Late Night Menu: Cheez-Itz
Late Night Programming: Only In America With Larry The Cable Guy
Late Night Song: California Love by Tupac
Fun Fact: The Geisha of Japan would not perform fellatio because it was considered demeaning for the cultured to do so...News Flash, it's demeaning for anyone to do so.
Late Night Video:
Drunk Story Saturday's: Really, What Happened Last Night?
Drunk Story by Glenn (Lavalette)
It was a Monday and my best friend and I decided that it was time to go to Atlantic City for a little trip. We only knew like two other people going so it was really set up for a night of randomness. Of course, like assholes, we buy a bottle for before we go to the club when we were already getting bottle service. What the reason for that was I still have no idea, but we were three sheets to the wind before even stepping foot in the place. Now, when we actually get into the place is where everything gets blurry and interesting. The last thing I remember is making a drink that was like 7/8 vodka and a splash of sprite or some type of juice. Next thing I know, my friend hits me with a pillow telling me to wake the fuck up because we have to check out. I'm confused as to what happened the night before. Apparently I met a girl who was about a 4 on the one to ten rating scale. And then my friend said he came back to the room and me and this girl were both completely ass naked in bed having sex for about two hours as he was trying to sleep in the other bed. He then woke up to her sneaking out at about five in the morning, and she left her bra in the room. I have no recollection of any of this, but needless to say, I was used by an ugly chick in AC. And since I don't remember any of it including the long ass walk back to my hotel room, I was perfectly fine with it.
You must have been roofied. Good for you buddy.
Friday, February 24, 2012
The Late Night Special
Late Night Menu: Grilled Cheese
Late Night Programming: Boy Meets World
Late Night Song: I'm Not Slowin by Mr. Hip Hop ft. Kid Cudi
Fun Fact: In Hong Kong wives who have been cheated on are allowed to kill their husbands but only with their bare hands...And what happens to the cheating wife?
Late Night Video:
No One Can Control What Other People Put On Their Facebook...
You're perusing through your significant other's facebook page just for a routine check up when you suddenly see something from a member of the opposite sex. This ranges from someone just saying what's up to an inside joke and even to a link or a picture of some sort. Your first reaction is to get pissed off, but that's not the best way to go.
Why is that not the best way to go? It's simple; no one can control what other people put on their facebook wall. Unless they just completely get rid of the whole wall thing, you're never gonna see that change. Getting mad at your guy or girl for something like this is like getting mad at your baby for shiting itself. They can't control it, so you shouldn't get mad.
Now, if it says something that sounds like they have just recently been talking then don't over react as much as you want to. It could be anything. And it's okay to question this one if it looks fishy. But you need to distinguish between what looks fishy and what's just someone being stupid.
To finish this I will just add that fighting over facebook will probably lead to a doomed relationship. You'll have plenty of better shit to fight about as your relationship goes on and fighting over something as stupid as facebook will only wear you down.
Newly Single Things To Do This Weekend...
I think this is gonna be a new segment on here called Newly Single Things To Do This Weekend. I'm gonna put it up every Friday for all you newly single people, and you can do with it what you please. Comments and suggestions are accepted.
Now, if you are newly single you want to do one thing and one thing only this weekend. You need to go out and get destroyed. Start off on Friday by going to a happy hour of some sort somewhere good. After happy hour, go home. You probably haven't drank in awhile and you need energy for the double header you're playing this weekend. Then Saturday is where you really go hard. Get to a club with your friends and be ready to rage. This is blackout city. You're gonna think you're not ready to talk to a person of the opposite sex, but the best way to get back in the game is to jump right in the deep end. You've been getting your food brought to you for awhile, it's time to go hunt for your food. Go out there and try to get some strange ass. Just make sure you go back to their place so that when you wake up you can sneak out and make them feel used. The rebound is always a great part of getting back out there when you're newly single. It should be a rebound weekend for you.
Knicks Fans, Don't Be That Upset About Last Night's Shellacking
The bandwagon Knicks fans are confused as to what they should do after last nights 102-88 drubbing at the hands of the Miami Heat. Jeremy Lin looked like he didn't even belong on the same court with those guys and he rest of the Knicks team didn't look much better. But listen up Knicks fans, don't be that upset about it. It was a big game, on the road against the best team in the league. Lebron and D-Wade are on a totally different level than anyone else. Bosh even dominated last night. The Heat are so fast and they play such awesome defense that you had to know coming in that the Knicks had no chance. Maybe later in the year they can give them a game. But right now no one is giving Miami a game. They're just that good.
Asshole Of The Day Award
What is it about student-teacher sex scandals that make them so interesting. Oh, I know; it's all women who are getting accused of this shit. Now it would be so easy for me to give the Asshole of the Day to the female teacher, but I'm not gonna do that. I'm giving it to the asshole kid who ratted everyone out. Why would you confess that? It's sex with your high school spanish teacher, you are never gonna get this opportunity again. It's like getting free throw lessons from Kobe Bryant, you cherish that moment. Therefore teach, you're off the hook. The kids aren't though. Here are your t-shirts fella's. you guys keep truckin'.
Dude Needs A Hobby
This guy is jacked the fuck up about his new body armor. In fact, he's so jacked up about that new body armor that he decides why not test it out at point blank range? Are you an asshole? That's rhetorical because we already know the answer big guy. This is the same thing as testing out a shark bite suit. There's only one way to test that. Much like this. Either this guy needs a life or a new hobby, but I'm gonna say he needs both. Have an awesome weekend everyone.
Defriendment Friday's
I'm thinking about a Defriendment Friday's t-shirt...We'll see.
Steve the Hammer:
The Culprit: Lu Cia
Status that broke the camel's back: my new years resolution is to be responsible for only myself (heart)
Reason for Defriendment: Yeah, this is awkward since you're about two months late on that New Years Resolution...Goodbye.
Steve the Hammer:
The Culprit: Lu Cia
Status that broke the camel's back: my new years resolution is to be responsible for only myself (heart)
Reason for Defriendment: Yeah, this is awkward since you're about two months late on that New Years Resolution...Goodbye.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
The Late Night Special
Late Night Menu: Enchilada's
Late Night Programming: Little Nicky
Late Night Song: I.R.I.S.H.C.R.E.A.M by Greedy Irish
Fun Fact: Fidgeting can burn about 350 calories per day...I think that's a load of shit.
Late Night Video:
If You're Drinking At A Diner, You Have Done Something Terribly Wrong With Your Life...
Being at the diner late at night gives you the luxury to see assholes galore as well as listen in on what these assholes are actually saying and ordering for that matter. If you love dumb women and they seem like they're entertaining to you, than a diner is actually a great place to go explore.
Alright so these two girls walk into the diner. Both of them looked like their skin was about to turn into leather that's how tan they were. One was an exact replica of Snooki and the other one was an exact replica of a dumb guidette who also happens to be delirious to the world. Picture these two girls walking into a diner wearing "Get Naked" tank tops. Yeah, shit just got weird.
They sit down and he waiter comes over to ask them what they wanted to drink. They order a Malibu Bay Breeze and a Vodka Bay Breeze. First of all, you're at a diner at midnight on a Wednesday, what the fuck is the need to order cocktails? Second of all, it's the middle of February, who the fuck drinks bay breeze's in the middle of February? Right, because you like the taste because it tastes like candy and two of them gets you shitfaced. By the way, if diner drinking was cool, that dirty looking homeless guy with the beard wouldn't be able to use his only four dollars on a gin and tonic four tables away from you.
And then there was actually listening to them speak. "Oh my gawd, when I come hea with Gina we sit hea and fight ova the pickles and the cole slaw because like we like them so much." It was exactly at that point where I wanted to jam an ice pick through my retina. You're talking about how you and your fucking dumb girl friend come to a diner and fight over the pickles and the cole slaw. How sad is your life that this is a main topic of conversation?
Am I just being ridiculous? I know I was also at the diner at that time also, but I was eating and not drinking cocktails while talking about how me and my friend fight over pickles and cole slaw. All I'm saying is that if you're drinking at a diner at any point in your life, you have reached a new low. It's almost like a parent getting hammered at a Chuck E. Cheese. Except that the parents children have probably driven them to drink while you're just diner drinking because you think it makes you look cool.
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