Our Girl Al Fires Back

Steve, Steve-O, Steverino, I know a lot of girls look for me to retaliate to your vagina bashing stories,  actually I’m going to stop fooling myself I know only 4 people read my blog and none of them actually know how the read. But anyway let me start by saying I absolutely agree with your “Girls Taking Ridiculous Pictures” post, however don’t think for one minute you guys have not outdone yourselves as well.

Where do I even begin? Do I start with the guy who makes the kissy face in 2011, or EVER for that matter? The one who squints his eyes while trying so hard to make a sultry serious look that you can tell he’s either gonna shart or pop a blood vessel? The guy who actually ASKS for the picture to be taken long ways so you can get his “fresh kicks” in as well? The guy who wears sunglasses inside on a rainy day? Fuck it, if you are a guy that does any one of the above you most likely are guilty of all of these closet faggot antics.

You think us girls take pictures in weird places? What your idea of capturing a classy moment isn’t with the backdrop of a bathroom stall that says “Gianna blew Joey here on 4/13/2007” enclosed in a heart? Ooh ok ill have to cut that shit out, but not until you toolbags stop with your nonsense pictures as well. The other day I sign on facebook to find this kid that had a photoshoot in a CARWASH. It wasn’t like one random picture that could have been passed off as if he didn’t know the picture was taken, NOO my dude was actually POSING for the array of pictures that he took. You know the ultimate solo, toolbag pose: one foot forward, slightly turned, chest out, hand in pockets, biceps flexed, chin up, turned to your good side, lips pouted, penis tucked in – yes, yes you all know exactly what I am talking about because I just painted the perfect mind image. I’m sure you get off to looking at pictures of yourself later on, but what the fuck in that tiny hair gelled dome of yours makes you thinkother people on facebook actually care that you are at the carwash right now? Or that you are wearing a white t-shirt (which was his clever caption on his next picture)? Nor do they care about the assortment of airfresheners the car wash has, as if it’s the only place in the world that carries all 57 Little Tree scents. You have got to be kidding me! Tip for everyone, DON’T POST MOBILE UPLOADS UNLESS OTHERS CAN ACTUALLY GET ENJOYMENT OUT OF IT. The 14 year old girl you’re trying to pork that you know will “like” it, does not count.

And for the girls that put up pictures of the food they are eating, I don’t discourage that. A true fatass like myself sees the beauty in that. I’m usually the only asshole that comments these pictures if the food looks worthy enough to eat to find out where it’s from, I’m always up to try a new restaurant. However, the girl that puts up the remaining bone of a 36oz porter house that she just polished off in one sitting should not be flaunting this. Hunnie, you probably have thighs that could put Kirstie Alley to shame. While on the topic of flaunting things, let’s make a list of pointless things that you guys flaunt in your pictures:  An expensive car, as if people actually believe a 21 year old community college dropout drives a Bentley Continental.The bottle that you just purchased from Z lounge, because nothing says “ballin on a budget” like getting bottle service at a diner. And my personal favorite your abdomen. In every one of those pictures you are also doing the “look at me, look what I got” pose. This consist of the uniform: tongue out, back rounded, arms up +/- one are effortlessly lifting one side of your shirt to show off your abs, and of course the index finger pointed towards the camera, which no one actually knows what that means. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? No seriously. I have seen grown ass, 30 year old men still pulling out this move. If you feel like you have to hold something in your hands because you don’t know what to do with your awkwardly long arms why don’t u grab a girl to stand next to you? Grab your junk. For Christ’s sake I’ve even had a guy grab my boob in every picture (which I think was for other reasons), but hey at least he wasn’t the loser pointing at the camera, and that’s why we’re still friends.

Looks like we all take retarded pictures of ourselves and post them to let the world know we’re cool. Phewww, it’s a good thing we’ve figured out that changing our last name to our disgusting, non-flowing middle name on facebook will prevent our potential employers from ever finding these pictures of us, because changing the privacy settings would be too hard.

-Al