Drunk Story from Mike (William Paterson)
We played Kings College at Kings, first win of our college career, young guys out here who don’t know our limits and just said fuck it and start in the dorm rooms drinking straight Majorska. We make our way over to the football house, which is behind one of the biggest clubs up here at school. We walk in hammered already, one of my boys was walking around with two 30’s of miller light in his back pack, and all he kept saying was "IT’S MILLER TIME" over and over. We’re drinking and smoking in the house, when the senior d-end hands me a handle of captain morgan and says "Chug this shit bro"...Obviously I obliged. Then it hit me, I was fucking hammered. Couldn’t move, couldn’t talk.
I wound up outside somehow and started pissing in the backyard until all of a sudden I get a huge shove from my boy Steve.
All he kept saying was "Mike we gotta go the cops are coming", my response was "fuck you Steve" so like he would do, he slapped me over and over until I started following him. Me, Steve and my boy JP are walking to the parking lot. Me and JP are hammered stumbling everywhere and on the verge of puking. Plus we didn’t have a ride because our boy dropped us of and then went home for the weekend. Me and JP say "fuck it" and just start booking it to school which is probably 3 miles away, until all of a sudden a car doing 90mph comes speeding up out of nowhere, almost hitting us. It’s the senior d-end and linebacker; they say get in the car now. There’s a problem though, we can’t all fit. Just my luck I’m the last one in and there’s no room for me, until I heard a pop sound and the trunk opened.
They put me in the trunk of a honda civic…and I’m semi claustrophobic. I’m also about 6’1 and 240 pounds. They put me in and within 2 minutes of driving I start yelling "get me out get me out" and I hear Steve saying, "stop being a pussy” until we finally stop at the school, and they let me out. I jump out, run up to the street sign and just stat punching it until it falls to the ground. So once I’m done molesting the street sign it’s time for us to go back up to the dorms, which is up a hill. I’m so fucked up I can’t walk so I had a teammate push me up the hill, all the while I’m turning around swinging at him saying "get the fuck off me" until we reach the building.
Now’s where it starts getting hazy. Apparently I went up to the room while Steve went to go see some girl. When Steve was done, he comes back to the room to find me face down, passed out in the middle of the hallway unconscious. He opens our door and starts dragging me into the room, while my pants start falling off. After I’m in the room he leaves me on the floor passed out with no pants on. Some time passes and our other roommate comes into the room, sees me, steps over me, and accidentally starts playing music on his computer. I apparently hear this, jolt up and throw up everywhere on the floor and on myself. I woke up the next morning on my bed wearing my boy from home’s shirt that I stole from him, covered in throw up. And that’s pretty much my welcome to college story.
I think it's even more phenomenal that through all of this you actually managed to wipe out a street sign.
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