The best part about being a bartender is that I really do get to witness a ton of just hilarious shit. Which is why I need to explain to everyone who reads this about the greatest fight of all time that took place at my bar on Friday night. This wasn't one of those fist fights where someone got tossed through a window, no one got knocked out, and this wasn't a titanic physical battle. It was all words and every second of it was actually hilarious. Let me explain.
First of all, can you think of a greater match up for an argument than a gay white guy and a fat black girl? That's a better match up than Frazier and Ali back in the day. Now, the gay white guy and the fat black girl happened to be friends. What were they fighting over? The dude that the fat black girl was with happens to not like gay people. Therefore, the gay guy got into an argument with the fat black girl that she shouldn't be with this guy if he can't accept her friends. Which I happened to agree with, but my opinion wasn't thrown into this argument because I just sat back and watched the mayhem take place.
Picture a gay guy flipping out, talking really fast, using hand gestures and everything and screaming, "Not him, you can be with anyone you want just not him!" Do you have that picture in your head? Good. Next, he screams out the words, "If he's not gonna accept who your friends are, you shouldn't be with him!" Okay, I hope you're picturing a short skinny gay guy screaming this at a fat black girl now.
After being yelled at and trying to remain calm for about ten minutes, Scarlet takes a tumble decided that she had enough. Now I need you to picture a large black woman who's angry standing up and yelling, "He's a fucking man! You actually suck dick! He doesn't like guys like you! He's a fucking man, what the fuck are you?!" At this point it turned into a comedy central original series for me. I tried not to laugh, but I just had to. There were like six people in the bar and all eyes were on the main event. As the gay dude hears this he loses his shit.
They start flipping out, getting in each others face, and shit got so real that I thought she was about to punch this dude. You never know what someone really thinks about you until they get really pissed off and lose their shit. In case you were wondering; yes I was laughing the entire time. Finally the bouncer steps in and says to the gay guy, "Take your fucking cat fight outside before I break your fucking head." Needless to say, the gay dude was out of there faster than a little kid running out of the Penn State football facilities. If only my phone wasn't dead and I was able to video this shit for you, it would have been epic. The black girl won the battle, but she won't win the war. The dude she was with was a total dueschbag, just like the gay guy said. Any guy who makes his girl pay for drinks, regardless of how large she is, is a complete asshole. However, as far as the fight went the score is definitely Fat Black Girl 1 and Skinny Gay Guy 0.
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