The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Oreo McFlurry

Late Night Movie: The Nightmare Before Christmas

Late Night Song: Fuck The Other Side by Arie Dixon

Fun Fact: US Scientists calculated that Santa would have to visit 822 homes a second to deliver all the worlds presents on Christmas Eve traveling at 650 miles per second...That's pretty fucking quick.

Late Night Video:

                                       

Why We Turn It Around On You

 

Women definitely need to wonder about this. What is this? This is why guys always turn fights around on the girl. The whole argument started about something that I did, but it always finishes with you feeling guilty about something that you did. It's actually quite hilarious if you think about it. But why do guys always turn the argument around on girls is the main question here. 

Well for me it's not even really a question because I do it all the time. This is actually a talent, not anyone can just magically turn a fight around that started with you doing something wrong and then make her magically feel guilty. The best part about this is that girls don't even realize how the conversation started, they just feel like shit. Most of the time the poor girl doesn't even realize that the whole debacle has been turned around on her. It's fucking hilarious. 

So why do we do this? Mainly because we can. We never wanna talk about what we have to do to change, we just wanna wiggle our way around that conversation and make you feel guilty for something that you probably didn't even do. However, you get so emotional that you don't even realize that you have nothing to feel guilty for. 

That is why we do it. Because you girls don't even realize that you're not responsible for anything, and we get away with whatever we did. A fight that you started then ends up as you apologizing for doing something you didn't actually do. Turning around fights on women, established by men at the beginning of time. It's a beautiful thing. 

It's A Gift

 

Every guy has their day when it comes to picking up a girl. You can get lucky a couple of times but when you can consistently do it is when you are actually talented. It doesn't matter where, it doesn't matter who it is, you always end up either getting a number or end up scoring with some chick. Once you do this consistently, we call it a gift. 

I had this friend in college who had this gift. First and foremost, he didn't give a shit who the girl was, he was going to at the very least talk to them if he thought they looked good. That was step one. Step two was that he didn't go into it thinking he was gonna get turned down. Just straight swag was dripping from him at all times. 

Next, and the most important thing, was that he knew how to talk to girls. Fella's, you don't have to be overly good looking to score with chicks. The main thing that you need to be able to do is hold a conversation. If you can talk to a girl, you could look like the elephant man and still get laid. You gotta have something about you that makes them say, "I wanna fuck this kid," and it's not all about the looks. 

Anyone can do this once or twice, but that doesn't make it a gift. If you can pick up chicks for a minimum of five weeks straight, then you sir have the gift. If you're one of those guys who magically comes home with a girl once every eight months, then you don't have the gift. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut bro. You need to have consistency, and if you do, you have the gift. 

Why I Despise The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree

 

Call me Scrooge, call me Grinch, Call me whoever the fuck you want, but I absolutely hate everything about the Christmas Tree in Rockefeller Center, and I hate everything about the lighting ceremony. "But how could you hate something so glorious Steve?" It's actually quite simple. If you're a human being who thinks rationally, you'll probably agree with me. My bad I don't have a raging boner to watch a tree get lit up. 

First and foremost the actual tree lighting ceremony. People literally come from thousands of miles away to wait for some asshole to plug a fucking switch in. I have a tree in my living room that I plug in too, it's the same thing. Has anyone ever noticed that it looks the same every year? And they always make up some bullshit excuse about who donated the tree too. I wouldn't be surprised if they just put up the same big ass fake one every year, that would make a lot more sense. 

The next thing I hate is that people have to go and see it. Every dumb girl NEEDS to go and get a picture with her boyfriend in front of the tree. It's a must for the Christmas season facebook default. It's a fucking tree. Also, you can't even get anywhere near the tree when you go see it. There's millions of other assholes just like you who are trying to get a picture standing directly underneath the fucking thing. They're all tourists who are in awe of this thing, why I don't know; and they don't fucking move. They just stand there and stare as if they've never seen lights before. Suck me. 

And then of course the last thing I hate is when people keep asking me if I want to go see the tree. No, I do not want to go see the fucking tree. I would rather watch an 80 year old married couple have sex on their plastic covered couch than go see the fucking tree. It's a tree, this isn't like some miracle that happened. It's a tree that lights up with electricity. If I wait two weeks my living room will have the same thing. A tree, lights and an outlet. Then at least after I watch my tree get lit I can go up to my bedroom and crank one. If you really wanna watch a tree get lit, just watch your tree light up in your house. It's exactly the same thing. 

Annoying Things During Christmas Season

5) Going to Rockefeller Center

I am sorry, but it just doesn't do it for me. It's like the girl who's pretty but that has no sex appeal, nice to look at but that's about it. First off, the place is packed. I don't like crowds. Second, it's freezing cold. Third and most important, I have a Christmas tree, in my non-crowded, well heated home. Its a tree, it looks the same every year and to be honest, not a fan of colored lights. Maybe going ice skating with your significant other is something nice and romantic you can do togehter under the tree, that's nice I won't lie. However, I would hate the person I was waiting with by the time I got to the front of the line because the line is like waiting for King Da Ka on a nice day in July (somewhere around 5-8 hours). My advice go to Bryant Park it's free, they also have trees.

4) Constant Christmas Songs on the Radio

This needs to be done from maybe December 20th to December 25th. Starting 3 days before Thanksgiving is absolutely insane. By the time it's Christmas Eve, I am a Jingle Bells and Deck the Halls away from starting the worst mass murder on Christmas Eve ever. There are not enough Christmas songs to be playing them constantly for an entire month straight.

3) Salvation Army Santa's

I get it, this is for a great cause but come one already. A person dressed up in a Santa suit on every other street corner and every 100 feet in every mall is just unneccesary. By December 26th (Happy Kwanza to the 11 people who celebrate) I can hear those damn bells in my sleep. The number one reason I absolutely despise Christmas shopping is because the Staten Island mall becomes infested and polluted with ringing bells. I kind of feel bad for those people who have to constantly ring that bell, you definitely need some jacked shoulders.

2) Overly Decorating Your House

Imagine being the poor neighbors of the person who's house can be seen from space because they are drawing the same amount of electricity as all of Manhattan. Bright light blaring into every crack possible, the people with the house with all the lights should be responsible to pay for blackout shades. However, if you decorate your house to raise money for a good cause, I can't knock you for that. That's just a great thing.

1) Christmas Carolling

I think elaborating on this is just unnecessary. If you go from house to house singing Christmas songs on peoples front pourches, you need help. Nobody wants to hear your shitty singing voice belting out songs they have heard their entire lives. It has been studied that the women who goes Christmas Carolling has 3+ cats. Males are in the same gay spectrum area as Richard Simmons.

Asshole Of The Day Award

http://denver.cbslocal.com/2011/11/29/former-arapahoe-county-sheriff-arrested-on-drug-charge/

 

The man who won the 2001 Sheriff of the Year award was arrested yesterday for the distribution of meth. Oh the irony. What else is ironic about this entire debacle? How about the fact that this guy was admitted into the jail that was named in his honor. There is irony everywhere just punching this did in the face. If I was you I would have made sure I did everything in my power to not get caught. Skinny, white old guys don't do well in jail from what I hear. But that's what you get for thinking that you're bigger than the law. Here's your t-shirt, get ready for the jail rape party. 

ROYAL RUMBLE!!!!!

 

This is easily the greatest cat fight anyone has ever seen. I mean could you possibly find anything more unattractive than girls who fight? So who won this titanic grudge match? Every dude who was standing there watching was the winner of this cat fight. There was more ass hanging out than the Victoria's Secret fashion show. What I loved is how at the beginning the bitch in the pink just gets right down to business, doesn't say a word and just walks up to that girl and throws down. After that gets broken up is when the mayhem breaks loose. This was like the female version of the final scene of Green Street Hooligans, shit was a classic. Kudos to the camera man as well. You sir have a future filming in the UFC octagon. 

Walmart Shopper Wednesday's

 

What type of magic mirror does this woman have that she looked at herself and thought, "Damn, I look good."? When a woman's gut comes out further than her tits she is automatically deemed unfuckable. And trust me, the way standards are these days it's nearly impossible to make the unfuckable list. Also, have you ever heard of a bra ma'am? Please invest in one, or a few because no one wants to see your National Geographic african woman carrying a basket on her head titties. Those might be more disgusting than the cellulite wrapped around your waste. I might steal a page from World of Warcraft and create my own video game called World of Walmart. With this chick on the cover tell me that wouldn't be the hottest sell during the holidays? 

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

Late Night Movie: Polar Express

Late Night Song: White Wedding by Billy Idol

Fun Fact: Electric Christmas lights were first used in 1854...I can only imagine what those looked like.

Late Night Video: RIP Patrice O'Neal 

                                         

                                         

                                         

                                        

@jimboslicee's #TweetoftheDay .. Why No Shave November Is Stupid

The Person...
- Jordan Swagerty @JordanSwagerty (St. Louis Cardinals Minor League Pitcher)

The Tweet...
- Grow some hair and a beard, people start treating you like a bum it's #unreal

The Reaction...
- Hate to say it Jordan, but its true. This is why I dont go more then 3-4 days without shaving because I just dont feel like a human being when I have a womb broom going on... and for those poor souls who have actually partaken in #noshavenovember I feel for you... I know obviously it's for a cause that all men should worry about but there are many different BETTER ways we could raise awareness for prostate cancer. #letsgethammerednovember? #letsdogoutchicksnovember?... I think unless you're an athlete with a ton of money and just dont give a fuck (brian wilson) then your allowed to have a beard... otherwise lets keep the beard population down to the creep population of the world.

She's Pouting After A Fight...

Look what you did fella's; you pissed off your girl. What normally happens when you piss your girl off? Well if you piss her off a lot like you just completely cross a line, she'll flip out and leave. But I'm not talking about that one. I'm talking about when you piss her off just enough where she doesn't want to leave, but she doesn't want to talk to you either. She's gonna sit there and pout. 

Of course she's gonna sit there and pout, she has nothing better to do. She's gonna give you the silent treatment and pretend that you're not there even though she hears every word you're saying and if you say something really over the top she's probably gonna break something over your head. But what we never actually understand is why they do this. 

What do I mean? I mean we all know that even though she's sitting there pouting she's still gonna go home with you and suck your dick later. Don't sit there pouting for a half hour not saying a word and then make like everything is all fucking peachy. In reality we really know what you're doing ladies. You're gonna act like everything is okay and then hold that in the back of your head until the next time you're mad. 

Do you expect a guy to take you seriously when you get over your issue in a matter of minutes? Like really, if we leave you alone for like ten minutes you're over it. Are you kidding me? We're not taking you seriously, and when you save it in the back of your head for a later date, we're still not taking you seriously. If you're gonna not talk to us then go all the way and just walk out and not speak to us for like a day or two. We'd have way more respect for you than if you just come home with us a half hour later and spread your legs. 

It's Harder To ______ Than Score On The Giants Defense

 

In light of Drew Brees absolutely sodomizing the Giants defense last night (and if you look at his career stats he owns the Giants). When you're 4-0 against a team and have throw for a seasons worth of yards and touchdowns against them, you own them. I have come up with this post now called It's Harder To ______ Than Score On The Giants Defense. I'm gonna write down a couple of things and you guys can add to them with comments. Keep in mind that I'm a Giants fan, but they fucking blow. 

It's Harder To _________ Than Score On The Giants Defense...

Throw a football if you're Tim Tebow

Watch the Giants sober

Take out the trash

Brush your teeth

Make instant oatmeal

Pay for sex

Start your car

Tie your shoes

Take a piss

Color inside the lines

Open a bag of chips

Hang a reef on your front door

Retweet something to your followers

Peel an orange

Eat soup while driving

Be a Mets fan

Toast bread

Use a hole puncher

Clip your toenails

Anyone have anything else? Add to it with a comment. 

Would Anyone Have Any Respect For The Girl Wearing This Outfit?

 

Now I'm not exactly a connoisseur in the area of fashion, but does anyone have a clue what the fuck this girl is wearing? Is that a bed sheet or am I seeing things? She's the type of girl who gets upset when guys have absolutely no respect for her. My only response to that is...HAVE YOU LOOKED IN THE MIRROR HUN!? I have boxer shorts longer than your skirt and if it wasn't for that thing tied around your neck your tits would be hanging out. My next question is what are the odds of this girl being raped because of this outfit? I can't actually answer that question because I'll probably get sued by the fucking feminist movement, but you can catch my drift. Also, whoever daddy is must have gone wrong somewhere around the day after this girl was born. My daughter would be sent to the middle east where women have no rights and can only have their eyes showing if she ever walked down the stairs in an outfit like this. And yes, I will probably have three daughters just because of this post. Anyone else have any thoughts on this? 

Sidenote: Don't take the rape joke seriously, if you do you're a fucking moron and need to take a joke. Thank you, have a nice day. 

Tonight Is The Greatest Night Of The Year

 

What is going on tonight that makes it so incredibly special? It's not the tree lighting because that happens tomorrow and for your information I would rather masturbate into a fan going full speed than go to Times Square for the fucking tree lighting ceremony. Moving on, this happens once a year, everyone circles it on their calendar, and it involves hot women walking up and down a runway half naked. It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show. Trust me, it would be easier for me to go through the extremely short list of what I wouldn't do to these girls than to go through everything I would do to them. I actually love all of them. If any one you girls read this and you want to get married please feel free to contact me. On another note, tonight is like putting together Christmas and Hanukkah with the edition of everyone on earths birthday. It is the greatest night of the year. If you don't enjoy hot women strolling down a runway with barely any clothes on, then there's something wrong with you. Even girls clear their schedule to watch this. 10pm tonight, if you're not watching, you're missing out. 

Sidenote: Has the radio just totally ruined Moves Like Jagger for anyone else? I don't even wanna hear it tonight during the show, plus it's only gonna make me mad that the dickhead from Maroon 5 will get to be standing next to these broads. But I guess that's the life of a rock star. 

Asshole Of The Day Award

http://jacksonville.com/news/crime/2011-11-28/story/sex-money-leads-babys-kidnapping-

abandonment-volusia-field

 

You paid a woman to have sex with you and then got mad that she left to go to another room. With getting mad, you also decided to steal her one year old kid and leave it abandoned in an open field. Well, first of all, this was a prostitute, not a mail order bride, I'm pretty sure she has more money to make she can't just be hanging out with your sorry ass all night. Next, you really stole her fucking one year old and left it in the middle of a field? It's not the kids fault that her mother is a whore. If you go to prison you are gonna get the royal treatment bro. And that treatment in prison is called the Finedusky treatment. If you're gonna leave a kid abandoned in an open field then you deserve every ounce of torture you're gonna get. All this over a fucking prostitute? You're a moron. Here's your t-shirt, I'd say go fuck yourself but that'll be taken care of once you get to jail. 

If You're Trying To Get Laid, Don't Do This

 

I know exactly what was going through this asshole's head right before he was about to do this. "I'm gonna look like the fucking man when I pull this shit in front of these girls." If you were trying to look like a retarded man then mission accomplished. I have zero remorse for what will probably be a head injury because of your stupidity. Did you really think this was going to get you laid? I have no idea what girls pussy gets wet from a guy back flipping off of a pole bro. I think you need a serious lesson on getting with women. Like maybe starting a conversation should be your first step. But hey, what do I know right? I'm just the guy who gives great advice. 

Things I Wish I Could Tell My Girlfriend

 

This Week:

9) Your sister is hotter than you 

Previous Weeks:

1) You should've seen this chick I banged last night

2) Bet your ass that when we break up I'm gonna try and bang all your hot friends

3) I slept with your best friend

4) You look fat in those jeans

5) I've had better

6) All your guy friends are trying to nail you

7) You've gained a few pounds 

8) I can't believe you let me go raw right away

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Chicken Patty with American Cheese

Late Night Movie: Christmas Vacation

Late Night Song: Dirty Deeds by ACDC

Fun Fact: 1 in 10 presents received on Christmas Day will be broken by New Years

Late Night Video:

                                       

Fat Girl Wasted

 

Many people use the term that certain females like to get "white girl wasted". Well, the other night I got to witness something that needs to be seen by every person at least once in their lifetime. It's almost as good as Jessica Biel sharing a room with me for a year. It is the type of wasted that we call "fat girl wasted" and it's the next up and coming phenomena to hit the planet. 

"Fat girl wasted" is what happens when a fat girl who happens to be really nice decides to get shitfaced and her personality does a complete 180. She's talkative, she's absolutely pounding drinks and she has a little bit of an attitude as if she's forgotten that she's fat. What else does she do? She actually hits on guys who she clearly has no business even speaking to. 

She roars through the bar doing what she wants to do and talking to whoever she wants to talk to. When another girl says something along the lines of, "You know, I think you should probably stop drinking," she responds with, "You don't know me!" Maybe she doesn't know you, but a hammered fat chick absolutely wreaking havoc through the bar is a terrible image for everyone in the joint. 

Don't get me wrong, it's fucking hilarious and when she starts making out with that guy because he apparently had beer goggle laser surgery, you want to turn away so bad but you just can't take your eyes off the spectacle that's going on. She'll finish off her night by eating a pizza to herself and then trying to blow some guy. That's the way it is. Fat Girl Wasted, it's the next big thing...Literally and figuratively. 

Your Girl Al Just Straight Punching Me In The Face With A Day In The Life Of A Giraffe...

So our boy Steve the other day wrote this ravishing story about tall girls in heels, turns out “nobody wants to fuck the giraffe in the room”. Any other tall girl read that and spew out a fit of rage? Well I did. Apparently Steve doesn’t know what its like to be that gentle giant. I get up everyday and put my pants on just like everybody else, one hoof at a time. I climb down my beanstalk, bend my neck and walk out the door hauling ass to work to the tune of “Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum”. That’s right I like to eat my lunch outside grazing on the leaves of the great Spruce tree. And then at night you bet your ass I’m going to put on my fuck me pumps and head out to the club looking like Larry Bird in a dress.

 FOR FUCKS SAKE STEVE WHO WEARS FLATS TO A CLUB? If that’s what you’re into maybe you should find yourself a nice Hasidic Jew. She can also hide her long, lean legs behind an ankle length Jew skirt. You think we like being the tallest bitch in the place? No but it has its ups, at least I can see over crowds and catch the attention of the bartender quickly. The best is when you get that asshole that looks at you and says, “wow you’re really tall” THANKS DICK, I only walk around in this body all day every day you don’t think I’m aware of the fact that I look like I can play center in the WNBA. And giraffes are beautiful creatures. Adriana Lima stands at 5’10, Giselle Budchen 5’11, Brooklyn Decker 5’9.5, add 5 inch heels to those ladies and then tell me no one wants to fuck the giraffe in the room. And who’s in your category stud? Danny Devito, Verne Troyer, and Elijah Wood, yea that says a lot. Trust me, us Amazons aren’t looking to fuck the Garden Gnome either but fuckin-A you don’t need to ostracize us for our genes. I’m sorry if you’re insecure because you’re lacking in testosterone and I grew to my full growth potential.

By the way any high heel under 4 inches is a grandma heel. You never wear those unless you’re going on and interview and have to look frumpy and conservative. I’m 5’6 and I still wear heels that make me 6 foot. You know why? Because the honey badger doesn’t give a shit. 6 inch stilettos make your legs look longer, leaner, and for the non athletic type like me it gives the illusion of actually having a calf muscle. They make you stand with your back straight and even pushes your butt out a little. So you wear those heels ladies and strut your stuff. Venture off Staten Island and you’ll find out that guys really do grow past 5’4, and also have necks too (I know its magical). There are guys out there that are into long legs. Sure most of the guys that hit on me are black but I’ll take it, at least I can have a conversation with him at eye level. Walking in heels is an art, dancing in them is a skill, and if you can’t do either that’s because your not holding yourself up with confidence.

The Greatest Fight Of All Time

 

The best part about being a bartender is that I really do get to witness a ton of just hilarious shit. Which is why I need to explain to everyone who reads this about the greatest fight of all time that took place at my bar on Friday night. This wasn't one of those fist fights where someone got tossed through a window, no one got knocked out, and this wasn't a titanic physical battle. It was all words and every second of it was actually hilarious. Let me explain. 

First of all, can you think of a greater match up for an argument than a gay white guy and a fat black girl? That's a better match up than Frazier and Ali back in the day. Now, the gay white guy and the fat black girl happened to be friends. What were they fighting over? The dude that the fat black girl was with happens to not like gay people. Therefore, the gay guy got into an argument with the fat black girl that she shouldn't be with this guy if he can't accept her friends. Which I happened to agree with, but my opinion wasn't thrown into this argument because I just sat back and watched the mayhem take place. 

Picture a gay guy flipping out, talking really fast, using hand gestures and everything and screaming, "Not him, you can be with anyone you want just not him!" Do you have that picture in your head? Good. Next, he screams out the words, "If he's not gonna accept who your friends are, you shouldn't be with him!" Okay, I hope you're picturing a short skinny gay guy screaming this at a fat black girl now. 

After being yelled at and trying to remain calm for about ten minutes, Scarlet takes a tumble decided that she had enough. Now I need you to picture a large black woman who's angry standing up and yelling, "He's a fucking man! You actually suck dick! He doesn't like guys like you! He's a fucking man, what the fuck are you?!" At this point it turned into a comedy central original series for me. I tried not to laugh, but I just had to. There were like six people in the bar and all eyes were on the main event. As the gay dude hears this he loses his shit.

They start flipping out, getting in each others face, and shit got so real that I thought she was about to punch this dude. You never know what someone really thinks about you until they get really pissed off and lose their shit. In case you were wondering; yes I was laughing the entire time. Finally the bouncer steps in and says to the gay guy, "Take your fucking cat fight outside before I break your fucking head." Needless to say, the gay dude was out of there faster than a little kid running out of the Penn State football facilities. If only my phone wasn't dead and I was able to video this shit for you, it would have been epic. The black girl won the battle, but she won't win the war. The dude she was with was a total dueschbag, just like the gay guy said. Any guy who makes his girl pay for drinks, regardless of how large she is, is a complete asshole. However, as far as the fight went the score is definitely Fat Black Girl 1 and Skinny Gay Guy 0. 

Stevie Johnson is a Real Douche

Anyone who watched the Jets game this Sunday probably saw Stevie Johnson score a touchdown then do his thug dance in the endzone and capped it off by pretending to shoot himself in the leg alla Plaxico Burress. No need for that buddy. I always thought that the majority of the NFL players hated each other on the field but off the field they were cool with each other.

Hey Stevie, first off no masculine man with the name Steven goes by "Stevie". You are an NFL wide receiver not an interior decorator. Second, when Plax scored his TD I didn't see him mock any player or anything. I think Plax has gone through enough and is trying to clean up his image, he doesn't need your ignorant self pulling shit like that. Third, you play for the Bills. Your team is awful. You can't even beat my pathetic Jets or the decrepit Miami Dolphins, get real bud. Show a little class. Why be a thug? What do you accomplish by mocking another player? Celebrate with your team, toss the ball to the official and thank God and leave it at that. Show boating is what gets you disliked, especially showing up another player.

I saw all 4 Jets touchdowns this weekend and none of them did the Stevie Johnson impression. Dropping a ball right on your hands, wide open, for what would of been the game winning touchdown. Atta boy

The Girl Who Flirts And Then Realizes She Has A Boyfriend...

 

How many times have you seen this movie? The movie where that girl is acting hardcore like she's into a guy at a bar; she's responsive, she's smiling, she's talking and she's laughing. There is no dead part of the conversation and it flows really well. All signs point to you getting laid tonight and then suddenly she punches you in the face with the beginning of a phrase that screams attention whore. 

It's as big of a buzz kill as a girl who openly admits to farting. The phrase starts with something along the lines of, "Yeah so my boyfriend...", which in female vernacular means, "I just realized that I have a boyfriend and I probably shouldn't be flirting with you." She was flirting with you, she was definitely interested, and then suddenly she remembered that she actually has a boyfriend and she probably shouldn't be doing this. You might as well just walk away from the guy that you're flirting with, come back with a very heavy object, and hit him as hard as you can in the balls with it. It's pretty much the same thing. 

Yeah, do I still want to flirt with you now that I know you have a boyfriend? Yes, but it's such a scumbag thing to do that guys who aren't total pieces of shit actually feel bad about it. There are times when every guy gets in that scumbag mode and will try and get with the girl who has the boyfriend, but you don't want to be known as "that guy". Once you become "that guy" the shit really hits the fan. Having the scumbag tag on you is a tough tag to lose. 

Who's fault is it really? Is it the girl or the guy who should shoulder the blame for this? If you have read anything that I've written on this thing ever you know that I'm blaming the girl. Girls, if you have boyfriends, don't put yourself into a situation where you're gonna either be flirting with guys, or you may have the opportunity to cheat. Us guys are just lions trying to tackle the gazelle, and you're the gazelle. Don't put yourself in a situation where you're gonna get eaten and then suddenly realize you should back away. It's reasons like these that we label you as cock teases and attention whores. If you have a boyfriend, flirting isn't the thing to do, period. 

Sidenote: How awesome are my fucking analogies? I should get paid for this shit. 

Facebook is Back

My solid 3 month hiatus is over. That's roughly 90 days, 50 days longer than Moses spent in the desert and 18 days longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage. As my dear friend Nick brought to my attention; my Facebook, the McRib and the NBA have all come back in the same month. The irony is just off the charts here people.

I was bored at work Friday and realized that Facebook is perfect for times like this, when I have literally nothing to do (I work my ass off, but waited roughly 4 hours for a concrete order to show up, I actually do work and not sit on my ass) and need to pass the time by prying into people's lives and getting a chub from seeing people make fools of themselves. Some of the stuff is actually interesting and by some I mean like 3% of the stuff that's on there.

I celebrated my Facebook reactivation by deleting exactly 100 friends. I was a little clueless and didn't incorporate this into De-Friendment Friday, which is a shame because it would of been an epic episode of De-Friendment Friday. I apologize to my fans, and my boss Steve the Hammer for blowing the game like Stevie Johnson.

Anyway, I am back and hit me up on Facebook.

Asshole Of The Day Award

http://news.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474980827587

 

So an 18 year old girl was on a class field trip to see the governor of Kansas speak when she tweeted, "Just made mean comments at gov brownback and told him he sucked in person #heblowsalot". This is an 18 year old girl with 60 twitter followers. The governor's Director of Communication saw the tweet and demanded that it be taken down. And this crazy bitch refused. I love it. My Asshole of the Day Award isn't going to this girl, it's going to the governor and his office. Are you kidding me bro? What's wrong you can't handle a little criticism? Boo hoo, cry me a river. Do you also send facebook messages to people who criticize you telling them to take back their comments? Look what you did though, you made this girl famous. She went from 60 followers to 6,000 in the matter of like two days. Here are some t-shirts for you and all your little minions Governor Brownback. She is correct you definitely do #blowalot. 

Am I The Only One Who Doesn't Feel Bad?

 

I'm just wondering because maybe it's just me, but am I the only one who doesn't feel bad for this girl like at all? She's all up on the bull with the look on her face that says, "I can't believe they actually let me on this thing in front of this many people." They actually started it and stopped it three times for her because she's about as athletic as a guy in a wheel chair with parkinson's disease. What happens on the third try? BOOM! Face full of mechanical bull. Lesson learned hun. Look on the bright side, you definitely made everyone's day who was in that room watching you eat shit. At least that's something to be proud of since I'm sure you'll never be able to make that many people smile at one time ever again. 

Monday: Movie Clip Of The Week

 

Here it is straight from Friday Night Lights when they come out of the tunnel for the state championship game. Why is this the movie clip of the week you ask? Because tonight my Giants play the Saints on Monday Night Football and it's pretty much do or die for them. If you're a Giants fan and this doesn't get you jacked up then you don't have a pulse. Actually, if you're a football fan and this clip doesn't get you jacked up, you don't have a pulse. Tonight your job is watching the GMEN take on N'awlins in the dome and praying to god that the Giants come out on top. They'll probably lose by thirty but I still have to get jacked up like they're gonna actually play well. I guess we'll see tonight at 8:30 in prime time. 

Slothy's on Fire!

That's right bitches. Slothy went 7-7 this weekend. Yeah, I picked the Broncos because you don't fuck with God. You catholics wouldn't know that because your God is really nice in the New Testament. We Jews know the wrath of god and know he's powerful, read the Old Testament you'll see what God is all about. All I need is the Giants to win tonight and I'm 8-8...Slothy's on Fire!

The Late Night Special

  

Late Night Menu: Bacon, Egg and Cheese on an everything bagel with salt, pepper and ketchup

Late Night Movie: Eight Crazy Nights (shout out to Slothy)

Late Night Song: Rebel Yell by Billy Idol

Fun Fact: 7% of mall Santa applicants were found to have criminal records...Sounds like a guy I want my kid taking a picture with.

Late Night Video:

                                        

NFL Picks Week 12

Standings:

Jimbo Slice 22-11 (.667)
Slothy 25-13 (.658)
Quite Frank-ly 20-13 (.606)
Steve the Hammer 20-18 (.526)

Week 12 Picks:

Steve the Hammer

Bills at Jets: Jets

Patriots at Eagles: Patriots

Bears at Raiders: Bears

Broncos at Chargers: Chargers

Giants at Saints: Saints

Slothy

Bills at Jets: Jets

Patriots at Eagles: Patriots

Bears at Raiders: Raiders

Broncos at Chargers: Broncos

Giants at Saints: Giants


Jimbo Slice


Bills at Jets: Jets

Patriots at Eagles: Patriots

Bears at Raiders: Raiders

Broncos at Chargers: Chargers

Giants at Saints: Saints


Quite Frank-ly


Bills at Jets: Jets

Patriots at Eagles: Patriots

Bears at Raiders: Raiders

Broncos at Chargers: Chargers

Giants at Saints: Saints

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: The McRib

Late Night Movie: Bad Santa

Late Night Song: Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice

Fun Fact: 14% of Americans have skinny dipped with a member of the opposite sex at least once...Skinny dipping, the real American past time.

Late Night Video:

                                        

Drunk Story Saturday's: One More For The Gipper

Drunk Story from Hank (Quinnippiac):

College was officially over and everybody was now in limbo. We had already graduated but the leases on all our houses weren't up yet, and we didn't want to go home because once we were home we knew it was really over. Basically, we were in college overtime. Now, there was this girl who I had fooled around with as a freshman but never really spoke to consistently after freshman year, mainly because she had gotten a boyfriend. Now, senior week comes around and this girl is actually single. At the last night of senior week, which was this big semi formal let's get hammered in a tent type of ordeal, she basically found me on the dance floor and stuck with me the whole night. This was great, I figured we were having sex after this. The dummy that I am couldn't get back into the dorms and by the time I snuck my way in this girl was passed out. So there is your background information on the story. 

Now to where we started which was college overtime. It was probably the Wednesday after graduation I was just hanging with the guys at our friends house when two girls come barging in the door saying the words, "Get up, these girls are throwing a party and you're all coming." We just wanted to be depressed that college was over and sit there and lick our wounds, but of course these girls dragged up out to this party. First of all, we walk in and everyone is in like pajamas, this just spelt depression from the beginning. Then as I browse around the crowd, the girl from senior week is there. Even better, it's actually her house, good for me. Doing what I usually do in situations like this, I followed my instincts and decided to not say two words to her. 

Finally, we start playing some crazy ass drinking game that I of course ended up getting fucked in and I was hammered. Suddenly, everyone in the house starts looking for this girl wondering where the fuck she disappeared to. I check my cell phone and I have four text messages telling me to come upstairs now. Obviously I obliged to this request, who wouldn't? When I get upstairs she's laying in bed waiting for me and says, "I'm sorry about last week. Shut the door and the lights." Needless to say, we took care of some unfinished business. I definitely won one for the gipper on this night, and ended my college career on a high note. 

Winner, winner; chicken dinner. Kudos to you sir on a job well done. 

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Lemon Cake

Late Night Movie: Four Christmases 

Late Night Song: Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For by U2

Fun Fact: Experts have discovered a new pleasure centre: the anterior fornix, known as the A-spot, located on the upper wall of the vagina, near the cervix. When stimulated, it increases lubrication. The moves that arouse your G-spot will hit this area too...Always good to know of a new pleasure centre.

Late Night Video: 

                                          

Spongebob In the Fucking House!

Great Debates Week 4 Hammer vs Slothy: Best Thanksgiving Food

             VS

Hammer

Slothy

Probably a debate we should have used like before yesterday, but whatever it's all the same. Today's debate is what is the best Thanksgiving food.

Hammer:

I am going with the stuffing. Although cranberry sauce runs the point like Jason Kidd, the stuffing is the compliment to greatness, much like Scottie Pippen. It is always the second thing that you look for to make sure that it's on the table. Obviously the first thing you're looking for is the turkey and this is always followed by a look around the table to make sure that the stuffing is there. If the stuffing isn't there you would freak out, but if the cranberry sauce wasn't there you would just think, "Oh well, I guess no cranberry sauce today." The stuffing is a dual threat, he can go inside and be eaten with the turkey or he can shoot the three and be eaten by himself. He's like Robert Horry in the playoffs.

Also, the stuffing has a better look to it. Not that it looks so awesome, but when the cranberry sauce is out of the can and it just looks like there's a can of cranberry sauce sitting on the table, you tend to want to stay away from that area. It almost looks like something from Area 51. Not everyone is going to be Slothy and go out of the way to make their own cranberry sauce. Basically, the stuffing is always the compliment to the greatness of the turkey. The cranberry isn't Jordan, the turkey is Jordan and the stuffing is Pippen. Without stuffing, you have compliments, you just have Jordan and cranberry as your 8th guy off the bench.

Sidenote: Desserts rockin' the shit, apple pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Bonerific.

Slothy:

Now that Thanksgiving is over (sort of, I'm still crushing leftovers) we can reflect on this great day. Steve and I decided this would be a great opportunity to debate over the best Thanksgiving food. I know he's taking stuffing, which is the obvious move for a front runner like him, and even though I think stuffing is delicious; it doesn't beat my boy cranberry sauce in a contest.

First off, you have to actually make the cranberry sauce. You don't cop out and by some packaged shit, you go hard or you go home. It's a very simple recipe, you buy a package of Ocean Spray cranberries. Next you put a cup of water and a cup of sugar in a sauce pan together. Let that shit boil and then add the cranberries...once the cranberries are in and the pan begins to boil again, put it down to a low heat or a simmer and stir it every 2 minutes for 15 minutes. Take it out of the pan, let it cool to room temperature and put it in the fridge...boom you're done.

Now, on to why cranberry sauce runs shit on Thanksgiving. Cranberry sauce is the point guard on this holiday, plain and simple. He's the Michael Jordan of this team, he's making everyone around him better. What's stuffing doing? Oh, he's being Lebron James, hogging the ball and weighing everyone around him down. He doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. Cranberry sauce isn't looking to score 35 points, he's going for a double-double...or even a triple-double; he's Jason Kidd on this holiday.

Here's the combo (the killer combo) on Thanksgiving. I've been doing it this way for about 8 years and cranberry sauce is the most important part of my team. Here's what it is, cranberry sauce, turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes; all of that mixed together is a winning recipe. This combo isn't about regular season accolades, it wins championships and that's what it's all about. Cranberry sauce is the most important part of this team because it's distinctive taste brings out the best in every other part of the team. Stuffing could go down with an injury and that combo would still be money. If cranberry sauce gets hurt, the combo just isn't going to work, you can't run a triangle offense with three ball hogs, you have to distribute the ball.

On a side note I just want to point out that Thanksgiving is by far the best holiday there is. I don't care about Christmas cause I'm Jewish, but I just think it's far and away the holiday I look forward to most.

P.S. As far as desserts go, it's pecan pie in a landslide Ronald Reagan type victory.

Things That Happen During Christmas Season...

 

I know, I used the word "Christmas" fucking sue me. The new thing is people have to say, "Happy Holidays" but every dumb commercial, and every decoration in stores, and every song on the radio is geared toward Christmas. I'm not knocking your holiday, I love other holidays and 8 Crazy Nights is one of my favorite movies. I'm just saying that everything around spells out Christmas season. Therefore, I will compile you a list of "Things That Happen During Christmas Season" starting right now...

There is Christmas music on the radio 24/7

People NEED to go see that stupid tree in Rockefeller Center

Kay Jewelers and Jared will have an abundance of annoying Christmas commercials that take place either in the snow or in front of a Christmas tree

Your local shopping mall will look like Santa's own personal village 

Somehow a commercial that involves a husband handing his wife a box that plays music will mean that there is a brand new Lexus with a bow on it in their driveway

Every car dealership will have an end of the year sale 

Home Depot will be selling Charlie Brown Christmas trees 

You will be given an ugly sweater at some point

You will see numerous dumb girls making facebook statuses about how they have just baked Christmas cookies

You will also see numerous dumb people making facebook statuses about presents and other dumb shit of that nature

The Giants will complete an end of the season collapse

We will be sued for using words such as Christmas, Hannukkah, and Kwanza (yes, that sentence alone can get you sued)

Starting today you will be asked what you're doing for New Years Eve at least four times a week

Confused children will ask you if Santa's real. You of course respond with, "No" while having a huge smile on your face

And of course...

EVERY girl will talk about how much weight she is gaining during this season...Here's a hint, stop eating so god damn much. 

What Guys Are Thinking When We See Groups Of Hot Girls...

 

When you're on your way to a night out there is nothing better than seeing groups of girls everywhere as you get ready for the night. A group filled completely with hot girls is about as rare as Lindsay Lohan being sober. It's like one out of every hundred has a group consisting of entirely hot girls. So what are we thinking when we see this group of hot girls? 

Well the first thing we're thinking is, "No way," which is usually followed up by a steady evaluation of this group of hot girls. Are they all really hot? Have you gotten a full view of all of them? Is it possible that one has a dick? These are the main questions we ask at first because it is such a rare occasion. But then the real thoughts start to take place after the initial shock factor. 

As sick as is sounds, now we actually start talking about each girl individually and talk about what she will bring to the table. Each girl is hot in her own way, you're never gonna have an identical set of let's say four hot girls who all look the same. That's not the way the world works. Each will be hot in their different way. Therefore, we have to talk about each one individually and ask each other which one we would want to take if the opportunity presented itself. 

Now obviously we are all in agreement that we would slay every single girl in the group, but out of respect for every girl we need to talk about each one as an individual. That's what all women want isn't it? Also what we're thinking is how are we gonna approach these broads without coming off as creeps. The answer to that is that is they really have sticks up their ass, they won't even talk to you, unless of course you have a table at a night club, then it's okay.