Girls, I just have to alert all of you that although you may think that you're a member of the former cast of Sex and the City, you are not. You may want to think that you are, but look around the room, you're not. Look around the places you go to. Most of them aren't rooftop bars in the middle of New York City. Most of them are shitholes or a Friday's.
First of all, you didn't even know what a cosmo was before this fucking show started. No one knew what it was. All of a sudden that ugly blonde bitch in the middle up top starts drinking them and now you NEED to order them EVERY time you go out. Most of you throw around money you don't have and you don't even call it a cosmo. You call it by it's real name. "Oh, I'm drinking a cosmopolitan." Just call it a fucking cosmo please. We know what it is. Don't try to act like you're better than me because you can pronounce a five syllable word.
And then the way you hold the glass is the next thing that just really chaps my ass. The glass is usually way too big for your hand. You hold it with like your thumb and your pointer finger and flail out your other three fingers. Why are you flailing your other fingers out? Someone gave you five fingers, use them. And you're not even sipping out of the glass. You sip it out of the little red mixer straw. The straw is literally to mix your drink around, not to drink of out it. Drink out of the fucking glass please.
Finally, we get to what these drinks do to most of you. Three of these drinks and you're all on your ass. I bartend, I know what's in that shit, it is literally straight liquor. Once you girls get to the fourth cosmo, your best friend's holding your hair back while you're blowing chunks out the car window. Whatever happened to a vodka and cranberry?
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