The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Frozen Ring Dings

Late Night Movie: Wayne's World

Late Night Song: Fly Away by Lenny Kravitz

Fun Fact: Women with high emotional intelligence experience more orgasms...This is interesting

Late Night Video: 

                                         

Rico Bosco's Betz Of The Weekend

W-L: 25-11

This weekend's games:

Eastern Michigan (-8.5) vs Akron

Cincinnati (-15) vs Miami Ohio

Northern Illinois (-9.5) vs Central Michigan

Michigan State vs Ohio State over 44

#3 Alabama (-4) vs #12 Florida

#15 Baylor (-3.5) vs Kansas State

Kentucky vs LSU over 44.5

First Half: Stanford (-12.5)

The Ash Man Heads To Homecoming

It's here. Christmas, St.Patty's Day and Thanksgiving Eve all rolled into one.... Homecoming.

Before we get started just wanna cover some things :

Friday- hotel party

Saturday-

-wake up at 9am, go shopping for food (people not in hotel should bring food, PLENTY OF CUPS, your own booze, and a table or grill if you have it)

-head down and be ready for tailgate at 11 1130 (opens at noon)

-bar

-10pm limo to strip club

-2am limo back to hotel

Now, aside from those of you with excused absences, anyone who doesn't show knows who they support and how difficult it will be for them to sleep at night.

But I'm not here to talk about negative things like Casey Anthony, clubbing of baby seals, The Bay of Pigs Invasion, Bret Hart getting screwed out of a title, flat tires, sweatshops, obesity, spinach, jamming your finger, the dark years of Britney Spears when she went bald, mayonnaise , RA's who love their racist mommy, hostage crises, the episode of Family Matters where Laura's friend gets shot for her sneakers, spiders, or RA's who use their money to suck up to the hockey team while they secretly sell adderall and have no friends...,and smoke pole.

My brother tells me life is all about how you look at it and how to find good in things and it will have a great impact on your life . So with that, I'll try and list all the positive things I know, and the ones I'm looking forward to :

Seeing old friends, Wild Cherry Pepsi, Kate Upton, company expense accounts, mass text messages, solid color v-neck tshirts, finding new smokeshow students, poker, cashiers who screw up by giving you too much change back, new sneakers, yoga pants , mozzarella sticks, the color green, Avicii, hotel beds, Gus Johnson, clean underwear, the scene in Die Hard when Bruce Willis kills a Russian terrorist & writes now I have a machine gun Ho-Ho-Ho on his tshirt, naps, being tan, fitted hats, D'Jais, sour apple lollipops, girls with a fluorescent bra under a white tshirt (you know we can see it right?) cherry vodka and Pepsi, how sexy Alex Morgan looks in that headband, Paulie Walnuts, body shots off hot chicks, America, girls who know how to shake that butt, Old Lady Mary from the dining hall, stories you've heard 5 times but still make you laugh, dance floors and our college.

Got a text last might that said, "Me and some people were just talking... this homecoming.. this will be the one we tell our grandiose about... after they graduate college "

Can't sum it up any better. It's all set up for us to break records, let's do it!

Oh and when you tell your kids about this in 20 years don't forget you mention two things: 1-just how insane and mentally deranged I am and 2- YOU HAD FUKIN PRIDE !!!!

-ASH MAN

Treating Girls How They Want To Be Treated...

 

A good friend of mine said last night, "I treat girls the way they want to be treated. If she wants to be treated like a blowjob, I treat her like a blowjob. If she wants to be treated like a nice girl, I treat her like a nice girl." I couldn't have said it better myself. If a girl wants to come off like a slut, guys are gonna treat her like a slut. But if a girl comes off with respect for herself, she's is gonna get treated with respect. That's just the way it is. 

"But Steve, I have respect for myself." Really? Do you? I've watched you make out with four different guys tonight at the same bar. That's having respect for yourself? I had no idea. Oh right, you just stuck your tongue down all their throats you didn't actually go home with any of them. Right, you have respect for yourself, you just have self esteem issues. I must be the crazy one. 

"Like I don't even do anything bad." What's bad? You've never been in a porno, and you've never been arrested, okay good for you. You're dancing on top of the bar and letting every guy in the place take body shots off you. Do you know how gross a body shot is? You've been dancing on the bar for an hour, it's hot, you're sweaty, and now five different dudes are taking shots out of your belly button. Not only is that bad, it's also disgusting. 

You want to be treated with respect? Then have respect for yourself. Ask any guy out there, if you have respect for yourself, you will get nothing but respect from every guy you meet. That's not only a promise, it's also a guarantee. 

Sidenote: That would have been quote of the day, but it made too good of an actual post. 

Alert To Anyone With A Vagina: You Are Not On Sex And The City

 

Girls, I just have to alert all of you that although you may think that you're a member of the former cast of Sex and the City, you are not. You may want to think that you are, but look around the room, you're not. Look around the places you go to. Most of them aren't rooftop bars in the middle of New York City. Most of them are shitholes or a Friday's. 

First of all, you didn't even know what a cosmo was before this fucking show started. No one knew what it was. All of a sudden that ugly blonde bitch in the middle up top starts drinking them and now you NEED to order them EVERY time you go out. Most of you throw around money you don't have and you don't even call it a cosmo. You call it by it's real name. "Oh, I'm drinking a cosmopolitan." Just call it a fucking cosmo please. We know what it is. Don't try to act like you're better than me because you can pronounce a five syllable word. 

And then the way you hold the glass is the next thing that just really chaps my ass. The glass is usually way too big for your hand. You hold it with like your thumb and your pointer finger and flail out your other three fingers. Why are you flailing your other fingers out? Someone gave you five fingers, use them. And you're not even sipping out of the glass. You sip it out of the little red mixer straw. The straw is literally to mix your drink around, not to drink of out it. Drink out of the fucking glass please. 

Finally, we get to what these drinks do to most of you. Three of these drinks and you're all on your ass. I bartend, I know what's in that shit, it is literally straight liquor. Once you girls get to the fourth cosmo, your best friend's holding your hair back while you're blowing chunks out the car window. Whatever happened to a vodka and cranberry? 

MLB Playoff Predictions

 

It's finally here, the MLB Postseason. Now of course you all want to know how myself (The Hammer) and Johnny Baseball did with our pre season MLB predictions. Well Johnny Baseball pulled off a very impressive 4 for 8 correctly choosing the Tigers, Rangers, Phillies and Brewers and I shit the bed with a 3 for 8 correctly choosing the Rangers, Brewers and Phillies. Needless to say, almost every team on my "Teams To Look Out For" list made the fucking playoffs. So fuck me right? Anyway here are the Talk of the Town's MLB playoff predictions. And it's not just myself and Johnny Baseball this time. 

Steve the Hammer: 

NLDS:

Brewers vs Diamondbacks

Who the fuck would've thought that the Arizona Diamondbacks would make the playoffs this year? With a roster consisting of Justin Upton and a bunch of role players they won the west. Good for them. But the season ends here. The Brewers are legit. You don't want to face Gallardo, Greinke and Marcum in a short series. Dbacks might take one, so I'm going with the Brewers in 4. By the way, I have a massive man crush on Ryan Braun as well, so I'm picking them to win because of him. 

Phillies vs Cardinals

Cardinals are the hottest team going into the NL playoffs, but this Phillies team is built for the postseason. Halladay, Lee, Hamels and Oswalt. Good luck St. Louis, you're in for a rough series. Phillies bring out the brooms and take it in 3. 

NLCS:

Phillies vs Brewers

This is going to be a fucking series. If there is one team who can match up with the Phillies on the hill, it's the Brewers. I love the Brewers and Hunter Pence is my most hated player in baseball, but I can't go against my pre season prediction. I have to go with the Phillies in a long series. Phillies in 6. 

ALDS:

Yankees vs Tigers

These two teams are extremely similar. Both have an ace at the front end, an awesome closer at the back end, and lineups that can absolutely mash. The other starters and the bullpens are going to be the battle throughout this series. It's going to be a long series and facing Verlander twice is a tall order for the Yanks. I'm going Tigers in 5. 

Rangers vs Rays

Rays are the hottest team in baseball right now. It's the postseason, and pitching is clutch in the postseason. I still can't go against Texas, they fucking rake. Plus I'm not sold on the Rays pitchers in the playoffs. The Rangers still have a bad taste in their mouth from coming so close last year, I think they take this series in 4. 

ALCS:

Rangers vs Tigers

This is going to be a hell of a series. Both of these teams rake tits but the Tigers have that Verlander dude. I'm not sold on the rest of the Tigers pitching, but I'm also not sold on any of the Rangers pitching. As much as I like the Rangers, I'm going with the Tigers here. If this series goes where I see it going, Verlander pitches games 1, 4 and 7 or 1, 5 and 7. Either way, he's throwing three games. Get on Cy Young's back. Tigers in 7. 

World Series:

Phillies vs Tigers

As much as I absolutely despise the Philadelphia Phillies, their pitching is built for the post season. The Tigers have one guy, the Phillies have four. Look back at last year with the Giants and many years before that. Good pitching will beat good hitting. Phillies in 6. 

Johnny Baseball:

ALDS

Yankees and Tigers - Well I predicted the Tigers to go to the World Series and I'm going to stick with it. Verlander is insane and Doug Fister is pitching great as well too. They have a good lineup and not to take anything away from the Yankees but I sort of have to stick with my pick here. Tigers in 4.

Rangers and Rays - I think the Rays are really hot right now and they are going to carry this one over to the series with the Rangers. Haven't heard much about the Rangers, but I just don't think they have the pitching to last in the playoffs. I'm going with the Rays in 3.

ALCS

Tigers and Rays - Like I said, the Tigers are my pick. This will be a great series but it will go 7 games. This means Verlander could pitch about 3 times. For that reason I'm going with the Tigers and the magic stops here for the Rays.

NLDS

Phillies and Cardinals - People forget about the Cardinals getting really hot just because of the Redsox collapse and the Yankees and Rays last series of the year. They have great pitching and a solid line up. I think we are in line for a major upset people! Cardinals in 5. Phillies have been playing like trash lately. They deserve a good loss.

Diamondbacks and Brewers - Who are the Diamondbacks and where in the hell did they come from? A last place team last year basically had the division wrapped up before September even started. This might be the best series of the playoffs. Going with the Brewcrew who will win their first playoff series since 1982. It's due for them in 4 games!

NLCS

Cardinals and Brewers - A divisional matchip for the NLCS, nothing is better. Which means we are looking at an all Central World series, because the Tigers will make it and they are in the AL Central. Going with the Cardinals in 6 here.

THE WORLD SERIES

A rematch of the 2006 World Series THAT THE METS SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN is in order. The Detriot Tigers versus the St. Louis Cardinals, only this time.....The Tigers will sweep the Cardinals in 4 games. Screw you Cardinals, this is a Met fans only revenge.

Slothy:

So after the most historic September 28th in the history of the world the postseason is set to begin. Thankfully the Sawwxx are not a part of this event. Hilton Head just added about 40 new tee times and perhaps a job opening for ADGO to cut the grass (too much?) Anyways I digress...on to the picks

ALDS:

Yankees v Tigers- This is the marquis matchup of the post season in my opinion. In a 7 game series I say Yankees all the way, but a 5 game series might favor Detroit. Why? You might ask...Well if you haven't been paying attention this year, Detroit's got this guy named Justin Verlander, he's pretty good. If the series goes 5 games, this dude is pitching two of them and that gives the Tigers a very nice advantage over the Yankees. However...if you just look at the two teams on paper and you look at the productivity of the two teams as a whole, the Yankees have more than a slight edge. I say the Yankees win in 4 and I bet CC beats Verlander in game 1. Although Verlander is great and probably deserves the AL MVP he's struggled in his last few starts and I have a feeling he's going to shit the bed giving up 5 in 5 1/3 innings. Yanks in 4

Rays v Rangers- I know a lot of people are going to hop on the Rays bandwagon, talk about what a resilient team they are, how they fought back to make it to the post season, blah, blah, blah. Let's make one thing clear...the Rays aren't that good. They weren't lights out in September the Sox were just lights off. Last night their ace got abused which means he ain't pitching game one. People forget about how good this Rangers team is...Let's not forget they beat the Yankees last year in the playoffs and they bring back the same team minus Cliff Lee. They steamroll the Rays. Texas in a decisive 4.

NLDS:

Phillies v Cardinals- I REALLY like this matchup. Really do. Cardinals are solid up and down and have been Red Hot in September. The Phillies have the most dominant pitching staff in baseball including in my opinion 2 of the top 3 pitchers in the game. Their number 3 is Cole Hamels...A World Series MVP. Not too shabby. Most people probably think this series is a no brainer but I beg to differ. If the Cardinals can beat either Halladay or Lee in those first two games I think they win the series...I expect them to win one of those 2. Then you have Chris Carpenter who in my opinion is one of the most underrated guys in the league. He throws bowling balls at 95 and makes hitters beat balls in to the ground like Ike beat Tina. Cardinals in 4.

Dbacks v Brewers- DOG SHIT ALERT!!! Who cares about this series. I sure as shit don't. Neither team is going to beat the Phillies or Cardinals in the ALCS. However, my friend from school was a Brewers fan and I'd like to see him happy. Brewers sweep.

ALCS:

Yankees v Rangers- This series is going to play out a lot like the series played out 10 years ago...Yanks are going to wipe their asses with the Rangers. Rangers have a great offense, there is no denying that. But the Yankees have a better offense and better pitching and home field advantage. Just don't see the Rangers competing...Maybe win one game but that's it. Yanks in 5

NLCS:

Cardinals v Brewers- This is going to be a very good series. Great pitching on both teams. Two offenses who can put numbers up in a hurry. You've got Ryan Braun...Who should win the MVP for the National League and The Prince who drops absolutely donkey bombs. On the other side you have The Cardinals. A team full of veterans who have been in this situation before. Chris Carpenter will throw two games this series and prove to be vital. I see this series going the whole way...Cards in 7.

World Series:

Yankees v Cardinals- I'm a little biased as a Yankee fan, but the only team that really worried me throughout the year was the Sawx. Cardinals are good, but this is the Yankees year...I see the Cards rolling over just like they did in '04. Yankees in 5...MVP Mark Texiera.

Weekend Preview

MLB Playoffs:

Major League Baseball Playoffs start tonight with the Rays at Rangers at 5:07pm and then the Yankees host the Tigers at 8:37pm. Tomorrow the Phillies host the Cardinals and the Brewers host the Dbacks.

NCAA Football:

College football game of the week, although there are few great match ups I'm interested in #7 Wisconsin hosting #8 Nebraska in Nebraska's Big Ten debut. Russell Wilson is a beast for Wisconsin and the Nebraska offense can put up points but has shown a big inability to throw the football. Because of that I'm going with Wisconsin in this one.

NFL:

Stay tuned for the NFL later today as everyone at Talk of the Town will make our picks. We select 5 games and pick the winners. We will start keeping a record of this every week now to make things a little more interesting.

Drunk Story Saturday's:

Get your submissions in to hammer@talkofthetown.me. Send us your best drunk story's and we just might throw them up on the site.

Good Night vs Bad Night

 

What's a good night out and what's a bad night out? You could be out at a raging awesome place and still have a bad night. The same thing goes where you can be at a real shit hole and have an awesome night. Why? What is the reasoning behind this concept? Relax, sit back and listen while I try to explain to you why good nights and bad nights are all in the eye of the beholder. 

Especially for guys, what are you trying to do pretty much every time you go out? You are trying to leave with a girl. That is your mission. You either succeed or you fail. The only in between is getting a number, or making out with her all over the bar then she goes home, but usually it's a success or a failure. You're old now, you're not looking for a make out session. You're looking to go home and go to pound town. 

Now, a good night is in the eye of the beholder because you can go to a little shitty place and pick up a girl and it's an awesome night. On the flip side, you can go to an awesome place, yet leave empty handed and it's an awful night. It's all about if you went out and accomplished your mission or not. I think it's the same way with girls. I mean I can't see how much fun it is to get drunk off cosmo's and jump up and down with your girls in the middle of the dance floor. But maybe it's a girl thing. 

So there you have it. A good night or a bad night is defined by you, the person. Did you complete your objective, or did you not complete your objective. It's that simple question that determines what type of night you had. If you accomplish the objective over 60% of the time, you're having some pretty good nights. 

Asshole Of The Day Award

 

Today's Asshole of the Day Award is actually being given to a man named Nick. See, one of my friends was telling me about a terrible date that she went on with this guy Nick, and he is well worthy of this award. Why? Well let me ask you something Nicky boy. What kind of guy takes a girl on a date, orders for her, is a total prick the entire time, and then makes her pay for half? You took her out, and you fucking ordered something she didn't even want and you made her pay half? And it gets better. Then he told her he was taking her leftovers home so he could have it for lunch the next day. I mean I know we're in a recession bro, but this is ridiculous. What are you living in a tent on the side of the highway or something? And then he had the balls to ask her for a kiss. After all the shit you pulled, you ask her for a kiss? You need your fucking head examined. This guy is probably a creep as well so if you see the following number on your caller ID ladies, don't answer it. The number is 917-751-2389. If it comes up, don't answer, unless you want to get treated like complete shit for a night and pay for your food that you didn't order. So Nick, here is your t-shirt, it's the only shirt that you should wear ever again.

Breakfast?

 

Hungry? Why wait, grab a frog. Not gonna lie, I gagged a little bit watching this one. I mean I guess when you've been non stop binge drinking for fifteen years straight, this is the shit that you resort to. He reminds me of the homeless guy at the wedding in Chuck and Larry. It's quite simple guy. If you don't wanna be called a hillbilly, don't do hillbilly things. And yes, I'm almost positive that eating a live frog qualifies as a hillbilly thing to do. Do you know any normal people that would do this? Exactly. I'm just glad you lubed it up before you put it down your throat. Nothing's worse than a delicious frog that gets stuck in your mouth. 

Defriendment Friday's

Sadly this week we have two lost souls who are now off our friends lists. Fair warning to everyone, we will find you...

Steve the Hammer:

The Culprit: Christine (last name removed)

Status that broke the camel's back: "in case anyone was wondering I got the moves like jagger..."

Reason for Defriendment: Well I'm pretty sure no one was wondering. And now you can move like jagger right off my friends list. Later broad!

Vince of Reason:

The Culprit: Chris (last name removed)

Status that pulled the final straw: "just got depressed switchin from my usual iced coffee to pumpkin spice latte at starbucks. I need to move to Miami.

Depressed? You're depressed about switching coffee type because it's getting colder outside...Do you have testicles? Take your shitty Starbucks coffee and go to Miami and may god have mercy on your soul...cyaaaaa! 

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Honey BBQ Wings

Late Night Movie: Clerks

Late Night Song: Say Yeah by Wiz Khalifa 

Fun Fact: People who have sex about three times a week are perceived to look four to seven years younger...If my future wife is reading this, remember this fun fact.

Late Night Video:

                                         

Brian Cashman's Spring Fling

http://deadspin.com/5845140/the-photos-of-yankees-gm-brian-cashman-that-broke-up-a-marriage

 

That's only one photo but there are plenty more of Yankees GM Brian Cashman hanging out with a woman who is not his wife. So these are the photos that ended his marriage. I mean they're a little blurry, but it's clearly him. Way to do your best impression of Tiger Woods, Mr. Cashman. Why would I shit on a guy who has more many than god and can get any woman he wants? Kudos to you sir. I didn't think you had it in you since you actually come off like a little bitch. Nicely done. Hey, look at it this way, now you can go out and not have to worry about who you're sleeping with. 

Rico Bosco's Betz Of The Day

W-L: 24-10

Tonight's Games:

Pitt vs #16 South Florida over 51

Houston (-16.5) vs UTEP

Jimbo Slice's Tweet Of The Day

The Person...

- Antoine Dodson @antoinedodson24 (bed intruder song guy)

The Tweet...

- "So its been over a year and I have to put bed intruder behind me never forget but time to move on... #newthings"

The Reaction...

- HIDE YA KIDS, HIDE YA WIVES, HIDE YA HUSBANDS CUZ ANTOINE DODSON IS TRYIN TO MOVE ON?!...This guy is a complete moron (just watch the tosh.o web redemption) you better ride this wave for as long as you can HOME BOI...Run and tell that

Why Both NY Baseball Teams Should Be Disgraced

A few things happened yesterday that really took a shot at the integrity and purity of the game of baseball, and they happened right here in New York.

We'll go in sequential order so we'll start off with the New York Mets. As if the Mets weren't an embarrassment the whole year, in the first inning with Jose Reyes up and basically one hit away from taking the lead in the batting title race, he bunts for a base hit. I have no problem with this. Bunting is an art and it is part of the game, and hey, he tries it almost every game with the first at bat. What I have a MAJOR problem with is Jose taking himself out of the game so he leaves the game with the lead for the batting title. Are you serious my man? The Mets already have a horrible image to themselves as it is, and Jose decides to do this. It wasn't even like he got hurt, or they were in a major lead in the division race. Solely for the purpose of trying to win a batting title, he takes himself out of the game. This is the most cowardly, cheap, and so many other words to describe it thing to do. Go out there like a man with some pride and get your 3 to 5 at bats and win the batting title with some pride and integrity. What a disgrace. You know who else I blame, not just Jose, but the whole Mets organization. What is their deal seriously? They have literally the worst attitude in the MLB. They are losers in plain english. That is all they are.

Do the Mets expect a fan to be happy that Jose has the batting title? We'll I'm not, especially since you bunted in the first inning, DIDN'T EVEN RUN THE BASES, and took yourself out of the game. I could see if it was your last at bat and you bunted to lead of the inning after getting two hits on the day and your team is down a run, so you steal second and get bunted over to third and score the noble way. That is different, thats how you produce a goddamn run, so take note. But to come out and do that, you are a disgrace to New York. This is the reason why everyone hates the Mets and players like Jose Reyes. Do you think Derek Jeter would have done something like this? No, because that man is the classiest man in baseball, not like this bum Reyes. He will never ever be a player/man of the caliber that Jeter is so everyone can just stop with those comparisons. Talent wise he could have, he could have had better numbers than Jeter in some categories, but he can't stay on the field, he doesn't have his head in the game, and as you can tell from yesterday, has the completely wrong attitude and way of playing the game.

Now this is what really had me scratching my head. After the game they interview Terry Collins and they ask him about this "situation" and he starts breaking down crying saying God knows what. Why are you crying? If anyone should be crying it is the Red Sox and the Braves. Why are you having an emotional breakdown? The answer is...Because he can not handle the pressure of coaching in New York. If you remember he had a rant in basically the first month of the season. I don't think Terry Collins has a clue. I don't want to hear his players are hurt or any of this, he can't manage in New York, because if he could, yesterday would have never happened. As a coach I wouldn't even have played Reyes yesterday if I knew I wasn't going to get a full game and 100% effort out of him. Like I said, this just symbolizes the Mets organization, a classless bunch of losers.

On to the next one. The New York Yankees. Now, I know many people didn't have a problem with what they did this series versus the Tampa Bay Rays. But, Johnny Baseball does. You play 162 games in a season and every pitch, every at bat, and every game should count. Do not roll over and die. The Yankees would have been better off taking the route that the Orioles and Phillies took, play the game like it should be played. With integrity and pride. The Yankees go up 7-0 last night and take out all of their starters and pitch GOD KNOWS who. A bunch of bums. Why would you want a team (the Red Sox) out of the playoffs when they have 20 losses in the month of September as opposed to the Rays who are the hottest team in baseball along with the Cardinals? It just doesn't make sense to me. You should not play 158 games one way and then the last 4 a completely different way. Play each game like it is your last and HELLO....YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME! I don't care what day it is, if it is the first game of the year or the last game of the year. You play to win. I'm not saying don't rest your players because they deserve it but, if you are going to rest them sit them the whole game. Don't let them play 5 innings go up 7 runs, and then hand the game over to the Rays. Play the damn game like it is supposed to be played, thank you.

Good Parenting

 

This is good parenting. Just mom breaking it down on her son and she kicks him in the head. I'll be totally honest, I had no idea she would even be able to lift her leg that high. She is what one would charitably call "out of shape". And no, we are not counting round as a shape here. Also, what the fuck? How many people are in that little ass room? It sounds like there are at least fifteen people in there. I don't know though, I'm not a doctor. Finally, this kid is a little bitch. It looks like she barely grazed you. Be a fucking man and stop bitching. You need a real life lesson you little prick. 

Sorry To Kick You Red Sox Fans While You're Down, But Look At This Article

http://www.nesn.com/2011/01/2011-red-sox-will-challenge-1927-yankees-for-title-of-greatest-team-in-major-league-history.html

 

That article above is some asshole journalist writing an article in January saying that this year's 2011 Red Sox would challenge the 1927 Yankees for the best team in the history of baseball. Can I ask what was running through this asshole's mind last night as he watched everything unfold? Or even better, what he was thinking through this whole month of September has his self proclaimed best team ever assembled was in a tailspin that no one could stop? I don't know what he was thinking, I just found it hilarious. Sorry Boston, enjoy ya chowda and Sam Adams. I guess it's time to get ready for the Beanpawt Trophy. After all, it's almost hockey season. 

Sidenote: I'm not even a Yankee fan I just love that I can laugh now after watching my team collapse in '07. 

Women Who Talk While The Game's On

 

Really girls, if you don't know or care about sports that's fine with us. But when you know that we care about sports, the most annoying thing you can do is just waltz in and start talking while the game's on. ESPECIALLY if it's our favorite team who is playing. Clearly we're into the game, why are you speaking to us. Yes, we are trying to ignore you by not looking at you. 

Why does it bother us so much? Because you talk about shit that we don't care about at the time. Not that   we normally care about like 98% of the shit you want to talk about, but when the game is on, we really don't care about anything that you're saying. When you come in and start talking while we're trying to watch the game you're just like a gnat at a barbeque just bugging the fuck out of us. Get a clue so we don't have to flip out and tell you to get out because the game's on. 

So here it is girls, if you don't care about sports, don't talk when the game's on. Also, don't come in and try and act like you know what's going on, or try and ask us questions about what's going on. We don't want to explain what is going on during the game. If you want to know what's going on then read a rule book, don't ask us while the game is on. Is this really so much to ask? 

It Wasn't Like I Pictured It In My Head...

 

Have you ever looked at a person and thought to yourself, "If sex with you is anything like I picture it in my head, it's gonna be awesome."? I do that a lot. But the problem is that the sex is never how you actually picture it in your head. Like why can't it just be the way you're thinking about it when you're undressing that person with your eyes. You want to think they know what they're doing and then you just get extremely disappointed. 

However, then sometimes when you think a girl is this little good girl and you're thinking that you can't even have sex with her because she's too nice suddenly you find out that this girl is actually a freak. Although this is obviously a pleasant surprise, it is not the way you pictured her in your head. Basically, you were picturing a dead fish and she gave you a cow girl. Maybe even a reverse cow girl, who knows? Am I complaining about this? Absolutely not, it's fantastic. 

It's the same for girls. You may think that this dude you think is so hot has an absolute man shank in his pants and you get in bed with him and he's hung like a light switch. That's definitely not how you probably pictured it, but once the pants are off, it's too late. I mean it'll probably suck for you, but now you'll know not to do it again. 

We all picture things in our head that just are not the same in reality. That's why sometimes our imagination is probably better than the actual thing. But that one night when it actually turns out how you pictured it, it just makes it that much better. 

2011 All Breeder Team

Off to a great start with the All Breeder 2nd Team. Today we add a golfer to the crew. If you want your kid to be a golfer, you can definitely marry this girl...

2nd Team All Breeder:


Michelle Wie

She burst onto the scene as a prodigy child on the LPGA Tour a while back and she's still a pretty good golfer, I mean she's a pro. Also, she's tall and she's not bad looking. You could easily see your kid being an awesome golfer and an awesome baseball player. Why baseball? Her hand eye coordination is probably impeccable. She's not that young anymore, but she's young enough to get on the Second Team All Breeder. Don't know if I see a first team membership in her future, but we'll have to wait and see.

Just Got Out Of A Relationship? Let's Help You Get Over Your Ex

 

Have you just gotten out of a long relationship? You're probably down in the dumps right now sitting at home. Don't worry, we'll help you get over that evil bitch or that asshole boyfriend you thought was the one. You're still young, there's plenty of people out there for you. Here's how you can get over your ex...

Get out of the house: Get your ass up, stop feeling sorry for yourself on the couch and get out of the house. When you sit at home the walls just close in on you. Go out with your friends and get your ex off your mind. Play some basketball, go for a run, do something, just get out of the house. 

Go out there and get some strange ass: You've been having sex with the same person for however long you were together. Unless either one of you is a porn star, I'm pretty sure it got boring after month number two. Go get with a complete stranger and have an awesome one night stand. Then sneak out in the morning and make that complete stranger feel cheap. It's the best way to do it. 

If you can't fuck that bitch, fuck that bitch: If you go out there and you get turned down, just move on to the next one. Trying to get with someone is like taking batting practice, if you swing and miss you still get another pitch. Unless of course it's the end of the round. 

Remove them from your phone: Take your ex's number out of your phone. Why? So when you go out and get drunk you're not tempted to text them. Also, so you're not tempted to text them during the day when you're feeling "lonely". Just remember, the more time you go without speaking to your ex, the faster you get over him or her. 

Stay away from their friends: All you'll hear about if you see or talk to one of your ex's friends is how you're doing, how your ex feels so bad, and that you'll get through it. Fuck that noise. You don't want to hear about that shit. Tell your ex's friends if they want to talk to you, come out and get drunk and then hop in the sack with you. 

Was Last Night The Craziest Night In Baseball Ever?

 

Sorry girls, I know you don't like when I talk about sports but last night was too epic to not talk about. Was last night the craziest night in the history of baseball? Who could've wrote that? The Red Sox blowing it again against the last place team in their division. I don't think that's getting looked at enough. They lost to the last place team in their division. The fucking Orioles blow, and the Red Sox couldn't beat them. If you can't beat the O's then you don't deserve to be in the playoffs. 

Now the Rays. You thought 7-0, this game is over. And then once they got a couple of guys on in that 8th inning and you knew the Yankees weren't pitching their main bullpen guys, you thought that they might actually be able to do this. What do you know? A couple of walks with the bases chucked, a bomb by Longoria and suddenly it's 7-6. Then a guy who has one home run all year comes up in the bottom of the 9th with two outs and two strikes and ties the game with a home run. And finally, Longoria finishes off the city of Boston with a line drive that exceeds the limit of the fence. It was great to watch. 

And then the dumpster fire known as the Atlanta Braves just blowing it as bad at the Sox did. But it was the way they lost the game last night. Blowing the lead with their "rookie of the year" closer. And then losing it in the 13th inning when they had a few chances to win it. And the Cardinals just run the train on Houston to take the wild card away from the Braves. In my opinion it was the greatest individual night in baseball history. If you're a baseball fan, it was all fun to watch. 

Asshole Of The Day Award (Video)

 

 

Well it's a good thing this asshole doesn't run the betting lines in Vegas after that prediction. Just another over confident Boston asshole thinking that his team is so awesome and the Rays were cooked. Well look what happened dick. The Rays did come back and the Red Sox lost. Don't talk about baseball if you know nothing about it Mr. Shaunessy. Here's your t-shirt, have a nice off season. 

Party Song Of The Weekend

 

Not only do I think of people tripping on ecstasy when I hear Sexy And I Know It by LMFAO, but I also just think of girls dancing on the bar with no inhibitions ready to go home with the first guy they see. Why? Because the first thing this song does is make you feel like you're the shit, and the second thing it does is make you feel like you can get anyone you want. I personally love it. This'll start your weekend off the right way and hopefully lead you to go out and get with that person you haven't had the balls to talk to since you laid eyes on them. 

Yes, I Called It Earlier...

 

This is fantastic. The Red Sox absolutely blow the lead and the Rays come back from 7 down to beat the  Yankees in extra innings. Also, the Cardinals beat Houston and the Braves lost to the Phillies. Meaning, that just as I predicted earlier today, the Rays and Cardinals are going to the playoffs. Obviously, the scores didn't go as I predicted, but I did get the winners right. Maybe the Braves and Red Sox can play the World Series of golf, which collapse was worse edition. Absolutely phenomenal. 

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Boston Cream Donut

Late Night Movie: Analyze This

Late Night Song: Bright Side Of Life by Rebelution 

Fun Fact: Single woman are attracted more to men who are taken than those who are available...Typical broad move.

Late Night Video: 

                                         

Another Disaster Comes To An End, This Time In The Form Of The Mets 2011 Season

 

Another disastrous season has finally come to an end in Queens. This season can be summed up in a nutshell by Jose Reyes leaving the game after getting a hit in the first inning while he's fighting for a batting title. I guess that's probably a sign of things to come. Some asshole team will give him the money he wants to play 115 games a season since he's always hurt and he won't be in a Mets uniform next year. Am I upset about it? No, I've said it hundreds of times on here, I hate the guy. 

What does the team need for next year. It's all up the middle baby. A catcher, probably a short stop, a second baseman, a center fielder and a whole lot of pitching. Definitely need two starters or one legit starter, and my god does this team need a bullpen. I can't name a worse bullpen in the league. Get Parnell out, Igarashi out, Izzy see ya bro, and actually just revamp the entire bullpen just get them all out. 

Trade Jason Bay for a package of Ramen noodles and please make sure I don't ever have to watch Angel Pagan and Josh Thole play baseball ever again. I guess we'll see what Mr. Alderson is made of this off season, but they're so handcuffed with money that I doubt anything will actually happen. Maybe we'll be good in three years, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Just like the picture above...I GIVE UP. 

Jimbo Slice's Tweet Of The Day

The Person...

- Adam Rubin @AdamRubinESPN (Mets Beat Writer)

The Tweet...

- "Terry Collins said it was Jose Reyes' decision to bunt and leave game"

The Reaction...

- I dont know man...That’s some shit, you’re gonna think I’m crazy but I’ve said it all year and this just adds to it...I don’t want him back, he’s going to get his money and he's going to magically disappear again. He irks the fuck out of me as a Met fan...If he doesn’t come back I’m really not going to sweat it and Met fans shouldn’t either (unless he goes to Philly which would be a possibility then it’s a fucking disaster)

Don't Mess With This Sheep

 

Yeah little girl, try taunting this sheep all nonchalant and see what happens. Because this sheep doesn't take shit from anyone, not even a little brat like you. You got exactly what you deserved for wearing those bright pink pants with those ugly ass rain boots. They say don't wake the sleeping tiger, and don't throw coconuts at sleeping sheep because it'll come back to bite you in the ass. Bet your ass this little bitch won't be fucking around with animals anymore after this fiasco. 

Rays and Red Sox, Cardinals and Braves Who You Got?

 

The AL and NL wild card races are going down to the final day, who do you think is winning this thing. The free falling Red Sox or the Rays? And in the NL the Braves who are collapsing as bad as the Sox or the Cardinals? The Sox and Braves are playing so bad that I really can't see them winning this thing. They'll be golfing tomorrow and the Rays and Cardinals will go to the division series. 

Tonight my predictions:

Cardinals 6 Astros 2 

Phillies 5 Braves 0

Cardinals win the Wild Card

Rays 4 Yankees 1

Orioles 5 Red Sox 3

Rays win the Wild Card

Look for the Red Sox and Braves on Thursday coming to a golf course near you

Are You Really Just Friends?

 

Girls, why are you all so naive when you think that a guy is "just your friend"? Do you think that this guy is really just your friend? If you're talking to this guy every day, and texting like you're dating; he does not think that you're just friends. Not even that he doesn't think you're just friends, but he has an ulterior motive. 

Look in the mirror, you're probably a good looking girl. You met this guy through your friends and started hanging out, exchanged numbers, and now you're talking. Do you seriously think that this guy wants to be just friends with you? This guy is trying to bang you. That's what guys are thinking about, we're not trying to be friends. 

Ladies, as harsh as this may sound, if you want a friend, get a dog. Guys do not want to be just friends when they're talking to you every day. Guys and girls who are friends do not talk every second of every day. Guy and girls who are just friends talk every now and then seeing who's doing what tonight and they hang out every now and then. That is what friends do. There is no ulterior motive, they're just friends. 

Friends do not text every five minutes, they don't talk all the time, that is what people who are trying to get it in do. So ladies, before you say, "We're just friends," think about that statement and think about how you talk to this guy. If you're texting every day, he's trying to bang you. You're not just friends. Yes, I will answer your question right now. Is it always about getting laid? Most of the time, yes it is. 

What Are You Rockin' Down South?

If you don't find dirty things funny, then this probably isn't for you. But have you ever wondered what type of hair people are rockin' down south? I have a dirty mind so I think about shit like this. So I am going to give you the different types of styles and you figure out which one you rock. Comments would be appreciated on this one, and you can comment under anonymous if you're not "comfortable".

The Bald Eagle: Cleanly shaved area, softer than a baby's ass. Not a fan of hair of any sort, and when you're in bed with someone you want them totally shaved as well. For women this is preferred, for guys you look like a twelve year old kid. 

The V Design: This is a big time female style. The hair gets thinly shaved in the shape of a V. It's actually kind of sexy, but it's a big thing on porn stars. Any girl who has this is definitely a freak. Any guy who has it, well, you can figure it out. 

The Bacon or Landing Strip: I like to call it the bacon strip where others call it the landing strip. Another big thing on women it's not much of a design but some like to leave a little bit there. When it's nice and neat it doesn't look bad. 

The Initials: This is for people who are pretty much out of their minds. Anyone who shaves their own initials into their pubic region definitely has some mental issues. Some guys do this because they think it looks cool, but really it just makes you look like a jerkoff. 

The Bush: It was big back in the day, before shaving or trimming was invented, and some people think it's making a comeback. If you're into the bush then more power to you, but it's not my cup of tea. Plus there is no way of having a clean bush. It just doesn't happen. 

New Installment: Things Facebook Creeps Do

We have finally decided to make all you ladies happy and bring on a female writer. Every Wednesday our girl Al will be bringing you a column called "Things Facebook Creeps Do". Today is the first installment and I'm telling you right now, this shit is hilarious. Here is Al's post.

Facebook or the new H-date?

Everybody’s been a victim of it. You sign on FB and have a message from some creep you have never talked to. No, I’m not talking about the message from the kid in your high school math class that used to eye fuck you from across the room, he’s just trying to rekindle a high school fantasy. I’m talking about the dude you have NO mutual friends with, have NEVER heard of in your entire life, and have NO FUCKING IDEA how he found you. Most people ignore these messages but I like to take them on as a challenge. See how far I can push this hopeless bastard before he feels like an asshole for even sending such a ridiculous message. I give you exhibit A:

Anthony (middle and last name removed)

Thank you for accepting my friend request bella but you never wrote back to my message, I don’t mean to bother you like I said before I just think your beautiful and I would like to get to know you and take you out to dinner sometime, just by looking at that beautiful smile of yours I can tell your different then what’s out there and Im not like most guys at all and if you let me I will show you, if your not interested let me know so I don’t bother you again hope to hear back from you bella ciao

Really? You can get all that out of a half-assed photoshopped picture of me? You clearly have no idea what you’re getting yourself into. But I guess you’re right. I’m not like most girls, which is why the rest of this conversation went the way it did

My response: Calm down dude this isn’t eharmony

Anthony: Lol very true bella but a cutie like your self never stays single for long, tell me a little about yourself

My response: actually I have been single for a while I have herpes

Now you would think that after someone openly tells you about their contagious genital sores one would back away, but NOOO this motherfucker kept going! He still kept asking me to tell him more about myself, so obviously I had to give him an outrageous response just to shut him up:

"What more would you like to know about “bella”? For one I don’t speaka- de-italian so you can stop trying to romance me with your fake Italian accent. I been taking testosterone pills for the last 2 years since I been diagnosed with herpes. I feel like if no one else is gunna do me I might as well sprout a dick so I could fuck myself. The down side is all this facial hair. The cool thing is, I could queef on demand – that’s always a crowd pleaser.  I know you speak italian but I enjoy a delicious Mexican meal, or any meal that’s gonna leave behind a nice stain of what looks like hairdryer heated snickers on my white granny panties – so where did you say you wanted to get dinner?”

Needless to say he stopped answering. So if you learned anything about facebook creeps from me – it’s that you need to be more ridiculous than they are.

Al 1, FB creeps 0