Guy Trying to Sell His Koala Lists the Good and the Bad...The Bad Happens to Be Hilarious

This might be one of the top ten funniest things I have ever read. The fact that this guy is trying to sell his real life Koala bear named GumNut and the list of all the bad shit is fucking hysterical. He raped and killed his wife's cat, he doesn't like Asians, he loves Vin Diesel movies and he shoves objects up his dog's ass. I think this is fantastic. If you can't laugh at this you definitely have no soul. Easily one of the greatest postings I have seen. Please I just want to meet this guy and hang out with him.

Honestly, How Bad Can Greg McElroy Be?

With all the talk about how terrible Mark Sanchez is and how terrible we know Tim Tebow is has anyone ever stopped and asked how bad can Greg McElroy be? I mean seriously. The guy played QB for Alabama, he won a national title, and I'm about 99.999% sure that he can throw the football better than Tim Tebow. How bad can the fucking guy be?

I mean if you're the Jets what is there to lose at this point? Sanchez has the worst passer rating in the history of football, Tebow can't throw in general, and this guy is sitting on your bench. Fuck the Tebow chants, how about the McElroy chants? He can't possibly be much worse than the other two guys, there is just no way.

I'm pretty sure you can take a random person out of the stands and they can't do much worse than Sanchez and Tebow. I say fuck it, let this McElroy guy play. Is he gonna look any worse than running into his own player and fumbling a ball for a TD? I would seriously doubt it. Maybe he throws a few interceptions, what else is new with the Jets quarterbacks? I'm just saying, how terrible can this fucking guy be that he can't even get his name mentioned with Sanchez and Tebow? I say let him play. Why? because he's probably gonna be a back up somewhere else next season, let him get a little time in the spotlight before he never plays again.

Asshole of the Day Award

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2240530/Newlywed-couple-drove-state-lines-pick-girl-17-met-online-wife-sex-her.html

Newlywed couple? What will be your first thing you do together as a couple? Just drive from Tennessee to Kentucky to pick up a 17 year old girl you met on the internet so your wife can scissor the shit out of her. That sounds about right. And then you both end up behind bars because she's 17 and doesn't actually have consent yet. Sounds like a fantastic honeymoon to me. Here are your t-shirts newlyweds. I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your souls.

Do You Want to Become This Douche?

Are you tired of watching the douche with the guitar get the women? Well luckily for you, you can become that douche. I don't know how many guys out there know the guy with the acoustic guitar who doesn't quite know how to play it, but I didn't think they got any pussy. Maybe if they sing like John Mayer, but other than that I can't see them getting their dick wet by anyone besides a liberal hipster chick. But if those are the types of chicks you're into, you can become this guy. Apparently it's toll free.

David Wright Sign 8 Year, $138 Million Extension With the Mets

http://www.rotoworld.com/headlines/mlb/382576/david-wright-inks-eight-year-$138m-extension

All I have to say is thank you to whatever higher being made this happen because I really didn't think it was going to. David Wright has signed an 8 year $138 million extension with the Mets and I couldn't be happier. Are we over paying him a little bit? Yeah sure we are. But we're paying him until he's 37, not 42 and there are only a hand full of third basemen in the league who are better than him. Plus if they can somehow get him to goddamn protection, his numbers will be better. I'm psyched, I'm happy, I'm glad he's staying in a Mets uniform. Now we just need to get some pieces around him to be good within the next couple of years so that him staying with the Mets doesn't go to waste.

Sorry Indiana, Duke is the Best Team in the Country

I'm sorry to burst your bubble Indiana fans, but come next Monday you might not be seeing a number 1 next to your name in the rankings. Why? Because of that school from North Carolina that we all know as Duke. With last night's win over Ohio State, this Duke team has now beaten the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th ranked teams in the country. With those three wins alone, their resume is more impressive than that of Indiana.

I'm not taking anything away from the Hoosiers, who absolutely annihilated North Carolina on Tuesday night, but other than that win over the Tarheels, what other wins have been as impressive as Dukes? Zero. That UNC game was the first time Indiana really played anyone all year. I don't want to hear about Georgetown, Georgetown wasn't ranked and you had to go to overtime to beat them.

So far the resume of Duke trumps the resume of Indiana. Right now at this moment Duke is the best team in the country in college basketball. But you know what the beauty of college basketball is? That it's not college football. There's no computer that will be deciding who plays for the national title. The tournament in March will decide it all. But until then, Duke is the best team in the country right now. It's not even debatable.

Syria's Internet is Far Worse Than Time Warner

http://www.renesys.com/blog/2012/11/syria-off-the-air.shtml

I was talking to my boy from Syria via AOL 7.0, having an unbelievable conversation about them being Iran's route to the sea and suddenly he just stopped responding to me. Obviously, the first thing I did was look up at the ceiling and curse at Time Warner for being the WORST internet provider on the planet...but just as I was in the middle-end portion of my tirade, I realized that my foot fetish video had successfully updated and my internet wasn't the problem. Alas, it wasn't Time Warner.

It was the entire country of Syria. Not a neighborhood. Literally the ENTIRE country lost the internet. Probably preparing for an attack and don't want their stupid idiot terrorists to post the plans on facebook. I don't know the real reason, I can only speculate. Still, pretty wild for an entire country to just fall of the grid.

So, the next time you're getting angry at your internet provider for sucking, just remember it could be worse you could have Syria's internet provider, or worse then that you could actually just live in Syria, or even worse than that you could live in Syria and not have any access to the internet, still worse, you could have FIOS.

Asshole of the Day Award

http://www.fox19.com/story/20209881/suspect-claims-prayer-led-him-to-rob-banks

Ah yes, the old "prayer made me do it" excuse. This guy got arrested for robbing two banks in Alabama and said that it was because prayer made him do it. Is there really anything else to say about this one? Every nutjob tries to plea insanity by saying that god or praying made them commit a crime. Nobody's buying that shit. It's not the 70's anymore, law enforcement knows the tricks. Here's your t-shirt guy, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

Lindsay Lohan Arrested for Allegedly Punching Out a Woman in a Nightclub...This is Not a Repeat From Two Months Ago, or the Month Before That

http://www.vibe.com/article/lindsay-lohan-arrested-punching-woman-nyc-nightclub

Like clockwork, every two months my girl Lindsay Lohan gets arrested. Last night she was at it again for allegedly punching a woman in a NYC nightclub. They say allegedly all the fucking time, but let's get real, she probably did it. I can't really see her not doing it. Look at the track record. At this point she probably has her very own holding cell. I love it, I can't say I am the least bit surprised. Does it really surprise anyone anymore when Lohan gets arrested for anything? Unless she was getting arrested for doing a good deed, at this point it's basically news no one cares about.

School Bully Gets His Ass Beat

Well this fag isn't gonna be known as the school bully any longer seeing as how he just got absolutely bitched by this kid and then the kid told him to just walk away. You know what that say, the loudest guy in the room has the smallest cock. And clearly this kid has a tiny cock because he just got fucking owned.

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Funny Bones

Late Night Programming: Clippers and T'Wolves

Late Night Song: Baby Got Back by Sir Mix A Lot

Fun Fact: Odds of dating a millionaire: 215 to 1...That's not as bad as I would've thought

Late Night Video:

Women Will Literally Take a Free Shot From Anybody

Don't women crack you up? They crack me up. Why do they crack me up? Because when I'm behind the bar I people watch for hours and I just watch the ridiculous things that women do for free shit. Like pretend to be interested in guys over 60 just so they can get free shots. 

And it's not the fact that the old guys are the one's who approach the young girls. No, no, no my friends it's the young girls who approach the old guys. Why? Because they know that these old guys are lonely guys who are hanging out at bars just to talk to people. And when a chick comes around who pretends she's interested, she'll get whatever she wants. 

This guy the other night might have been almost 70. White hair, white mustache, wrinkles everywhere and this girl was acting like he was fucking Brad Pitt. And to tease him just a little more she's ordering blowjob shots from me. She's also just continuing to order because he gave me his credit card and said to put it all on his tab. He's a dummy for allowing it to happen, but she's a cunt. 

Will women just do anything and talk to anyone for free drinks? Do they just tease and manipulate their way to everything? I'm not putting this on all women, but it's a vast majority that does this. I see it over and over again. I guess it's the way the world works. But if you're gonna run up a guys bill, at least give him a handy in the bathroom. It's the least you can do. 

Watch the Jets play the Cardinals, or Golf?

I can't believe I'm actually contemplating this. And by contemplating I mean I've already 100% made my decision to play golf.

It's sad that I've actually come to this. I haven't missed a Jets game in 5 years. I actually isolated myself from the world earlier this season and DVR'd Jets games because my dedication was so strong. Let me be the first to say that the Jets being horrendous is not the main reason I'm not watching. I'm not watching mostly because it's the Jets vs Cardinals. Like Ari Gold once said, "I didn't go to the Lakers game because they were playing the fucking Bobcats." Also, the weather on Sunday is going to be decent enough for me to comfortable, and bad enough to keep people off of the course.

That doesn't change the fact that this team being the definition of mediocre is part of the reason I'm choosing to actually not watch a Jets game from start to finish for the first time in a long time. I'm so sick and tired of this team right now. I'm just fed up. From Fireman Ed, to Tim Tebow, to Rex Ryan and all the way up the chain to Woody Johnson. I'm just sick and tired of this team being OKAY. Cause guess what? In the NFL when you're OKAY, you're in the worst position a team can be in. Seriously, in the NFL there are generally shifts. Teams are either really good for 3 years or really bad for 3 years. (excluding the Browns-been bad forever, and the Pats-been sick for like 10 years) The Jets are just mediocre and because the Giants are next door winning Superbowls twice every 5 years, management thinks that being mediocre is a better option than  just blowing everything up.

 I disagree. I say destroy it. Start from scratch. Taking the organization backwards is the best way to move it forward. At least were not as bad as the Bills, giving a mediocre QB an absurd amount of money...oh wait!

Back to missing the game Sunday. I made this decision yesterday and I don't feel the least bit bad about it. Game is a borefest... 3rd string starter vs. 2nd string starter (on a normal team). Final score? 5-2 Jets.

Sidenote: Yes, that is actually the Sloth Man.

Double sidenote: Probably way better looking and in shape than anybody thought.

P.S. I absolutely cranked that ball
pps. Shot a 41 on the front that day, missed a birdie putt from 4 feet for a 40
ppps. Purple corduroy pants are so boss I can't even stand it
pppps. I actually pushed that shot about 40 yards right

"Sarah Says" The Best Christmas Gifts For Your Girl This Season

Holiday season is here and with it, the stress of buying gifts for that special little lady in your life. (Note: Not your hand.) Commercials will tell you that jewelry is the way to go, but it’s time to branch out, boys. Sure, jewelry is nice. I think. I’ve never received it from a gentleman friend, but I imagine it’s a nice gift. But in addition to maybe adding a little sparkle to your girl’s life, you can definitely step it up. Here’s how.

Choose Gifts Relevant to Her Interests

It’s easy to just grab a scarf and a new sweater, but in all likelihood, the little lady’s grandma or great aunt and uncle have that covered. I’m assuming that you know what your girl loves to do, so pick a gift centered on that. For example, I collect vinyl records and on my wish list is a 100 pack of record sleeves and a record cleaning kit. Does that not seem romantic? It’s not, but it’s thoughtful as hell. And besides, you already got that jewelry, so you’re still in the clear.

Choose Gifts Relevant to Your Joint Interests

Did you and your love chowing down on Cheetos and playing Call of Duty for hours on end? Pick up a new video game that you can play together. This also applies to Scrabble, if your lady is more on the literary side of things. Do you both love the Red Sox? (Hey, Hammer, I put this in just for you.) As much as I abhor Victoria’s Secret glittery rhinestones, the company does put out special edition sports gear. If your lady is chill enough to not like rhinestones and glitter, a simple jersey should do the trick.

Get Crafty

I’ll preface this by saying I am just the absolute worst at arts and crafts. Just the worst. I’m sure I’ve been banned from puff paint for life since the second grade.  Don’t worry, this doesn’t involve puff paint. A simple picture frame with a photo of the two of you always goes over well. It lets her know that the relationship is important to you and that heck, even though posting for all her photos is annoying, in the end it’s not so bad. (If it’s still that bad, deal with it, bro. Could be worse.)

A Little Lingerie Goes a Long Way

Before you go out and by the skankiest lingerie you can find, heed a few of my warnings. First – know your girl’s personal style. If skimpy isn’t her comfort zone, she’ll never feel comfortable in the lingerie. Does she prefer cotton? Don’t sweat it. Aerie by American Eagle has some absolutely adorable and sexy items in stock. Second – make sure you know her size. Nothing is more awkward than trying to squeeze DDs into a C cup or feeling fat trying to pull on panties that don’t fit right. Third – If you and your lady haven’t progressed to that level of intimacy in your relationship, don’t buy her lingerie. Shit’ll just get awkward. Fourth – Make sure she doesn’t open up that gift in front of her dad, if you value you your life.

A Poem

Just kidding. This is fairly lame. Or I’m just a bitter bitch. Probably the latter.

Socks

Seriously. One of the best gifts I ever received from a gentleman friend was a pair of fleece socks. Even the highest maintenance of girls can appreciate a comfy pair of wool or fleece socks. Just make sure that’s not the only thing you give her. Marshall’s has a great sock selection.

And there you have it - a gift guide to help you surprise her by stepping out of the norm, without being too weird. Jewelry tip? Don’t buy something you can’t afford. Check out etsy.com for unique gifts, or your local freestanding jewelry store for straight sterling silver.

By the way, I really need a new Scrabble set. Thanks.

Sarah is the founder of Not the It Girls. You can contact her at sarah@nottheitgirls.com.

Asshole of the Day Award

http://news.yahoo.com/husband-cant-over-pain-discovering-wifes-past-050208977.html

So basically what ha happened was that this guy found out that his wife was basically a porn star when she was 19 years old for a short period of time. Making one video doesn't make you a porn star, but making 10 to 20 qualifies you in the porn star category. This guy is devastated and can't get over the fact that his wife was getting her vagina thrashed on camera by huge dicks when she was 19 years old. And he has no one to blame but himself. He married her and he didn't share the roster? You two didn't go over what you did and who you banged and all that shit BEFORE the marriage? You have no one to blame but yourself guy. I wouldn't be able to look at my wife the same if I found this out either. I would just envision a black guy mauling her on film every time I saw her. Here's your t-shirt, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

Sidenote: Any way we can get her name look her up on the internet? I'm just curious to see her on camera skills.

The Vacuum Cleaner Man Has Seen Her Tits!

This is fucking funny. I have no idea what she's talking about and I have no idea what the vacuum cleaner man seeing her tits has to do with the story but it's hilarious. Would I want to see her tits? Maybe if I was like thirty years older and just wanted to test out my viagra, but I wouldn't go out of my way to see her tits. Gotta love a woman with a sense of humor though when she asks the reporter if she wants to see her tits. Not taking anything too seriously, she was probably a party animal before dialysis.

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Hostess powdered donettes

Late Night Programming: The Expendables

Late Night Song: Barefoot Blue Jean Night by Jake Owen

Fun Fact: The odds of an injury from shaving at 6,585 to 1...It has happened before

Late Night Video:

Don't Get This Drunk at Your Girlfriend's House

My buddy was telling me this story the other night and it turned out to be extremely blog worthy. On Thanksgiving Eve he went out with his girlfriend and got absolutely shit hammered. I mean I'm pretty sure we were all shit hammered on that night, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, he got hammered with his girl and went back to her house. And then the fun began.

As normal couple's do they go back to his girlfriend's house and they go to bed. Now, as any drunk person does, my buddy woke up and had to take a piss. He managed to find the bathroom, but then he got a little confused. And when I say he got a little confused, I mean he went back into the wrong bedroom.

Keep in mind here that my buddy is not the smallest of humans, so when he's there, you know he's there. He somehow managed to find a bedroom in his drunken haste. But he also managed to find his girlfriend's mom's bedroom. Yes, it's exactly what you're thinking, he crawled into bed with his girlfriend's mother. Now I don't know if spooning was taking place or what, he didn't get too much into those details but he said his girl's mother went ape shit.

She was flipping the fuck out, he had no idea what was going on because he was drunk and now the entire house was woken up. What the fuck happened after this I have no idea but I don't need to explain to you that Thanksgiving morning was the definition of awkward. There was probably a titty grab involved that we don't know about. But this is a lesson for everyone sleeping over their girlfriend's house. NEVER get this drunk. Only bad things can happen when you crawl into bed with your girlfriend's mother.

What You Shouldn't Say on Your First Date

I love working at a bar for a number of different reasons, but one reason is that I get to witness a shit ton of first dates. Once again, on a slow night, there was another one. Except this one was different than most. Mainly because it was technically over before it started.

What exactly happened? They walked in, sat down, and ordered their first round of drinks. When I asked if they wanted to start a tab, the girl pulled out her card and insisted that she had it. Instead of doing what EVERY normal fucking guy would do, all the guy responded with was, "She's trying to get me drunk tonight, she wants me to be her first Asian." The look on her face was so priceless that I couldn't even think of what to respond with. All I said thinking out loud was, "Wow, that just happened."

Instead of ending it right there this asshole kept going. He then said, "Yup, I said it, she's ready to go tonight." At that point I knew this date was fucked. First off to actually make her pay is retarded, that's definitely not getting laid step number one. Secondly, to actually say what you're thinking while you're on the first date is just sheer stupidity. Bro, that's something a guy says when he's officially dating a girl after like six months. Not on the first date.

Basically guys, this was the blue print of everything not to do on the first date. They had one drink, and they were gone. I'm also pretty sure she decided she was never going to speak to this asshole again. Ladies, tell me honestly. If this happened to you on the first date would you ever think about talking to the guy again? Please comment of email even though I already know the answer.

Asshole of the Day Award

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/local/breakingnews/fl-boynton-huffer-arrest-20121126,0,2052368.story

How does one get arrested twice for the same thing all within 24 hours? You have to be a real asshole. This dude gets arrested for huffing some chemicals and shit like all normal people do. He then gets released, walks into a Target, buys some more chemicals to huff and gets arrested all over again. Genius. The second time though he was found in a car with a can of 3M Dust Remover. That sounds healthy. If this face doesn't say, "He did it," then I don't know what does:

 

I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul. Oh, and here's your t-shirt. 

Jets Fans, That's All I Need To Say

Is there anything else to really do but just laugh hysterically at this. Apparently Fireman Ed quit because of people like this, but I just think it's because the team sucks. I mean I would stick up for these guys and say you can't really blame them for just hammering everyone that walked by, but then when Tebow walked by and they said, "Tebow save us" they lost all credibility to get mad. You're mad that your team sucks but you want to put in a quarterback who couldn't throw a football if his virginity depended on it. Now you just sound like a moron. 

Sidenote: How hammered do you think everyone in this video is? Like they sounded like they were blacked out by kickoff. 

Every Wheelchair Basketball Players Worst Nightmare

Oh god, these poor guys. Just playing some wheelchair basketball and then this happens. I have nothing else to say so I'll let this youtube video say it for me:

The Largest Child on the Planet

How is this kid allowed to play? I remember things like weight limits when I was this age playing pee wee football. And what an asshole the tackler is. Dive at his fucking legs jerkoff, you just sat there and took it like a porn star waiting for a money shot. At least make an effort to take this kids knees out bro. I'm a little upset about that piss poor effort. However, this man child shouldn't even be on the field with these little boys. He's like Spike from the little Giants just 300 pounds heavier.

This Might be the Greatest Way to Get Back at An Ex Girlfriend I've Ever Heard

http://www.thenewspaper.com/news/39/3958.asp

If this isn't one of the greatest ways to get back at an ex girlfriend that you've ever heard of then I don't know what is. This dude was dating this chick for a while, they even had a kid together and then the shit hit the fan (Obviously could've called that one). He bought a car from her uncle when they were still dating and apparently registered the car in her name. What happened when they broke up? He parked the car in an airport lot, in a reserved spot for employees and left it there for a total of three years. The car racked up a grand total of $105, 761.80 in parking tickets. Clearly, the greatest scheme in history to get your ex girlfriend to shove it up her ass. I can't even explain how genius it is. The amount of money is a record amount of money for parking tickets in the city of Chicago. I want to meet this guy just so I can shake his hand.

Asshole of the Day Award

http://blogs.tcpalm.com/off_the_beat_will_greenlee_blog/2012/11/a-woman-dubbed-the-lingerie.html

Stealing lingerie? Of course you are if you're a 69 year old woman with nothing better to do. Getting caught stealing anything at 69 years of age already puts you at a major disadvantage. How many people without a disability are you outrunning at 69? Nobody you crazy bitch. Don't know what you were thinking here. You need some serious head examining. Here's your t-shirt, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

The Jets Are So Bad That Even Fireman Ed is Calling it Quits

http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap1000000100909/article/fireman-ed-quits-as-new-york-jets-unofficial-mascot

So it seems as though the Jets are so terrible that even their unofficial mascot is calling it quits. Yes the giant asshole who sits in the upper deck yelling J-E-T-S at the top of his lungs while wearing a fireman hat is quitting after all his years of leading the drunken, opening kickoff symphony. How much worse can it get for the Jets? Your team sucks, your management sucks, your ownership sucks and now your mascot who's not even a real mascot is quitting. He says it's not because the Jets suck and that it's just because of unruly fans but I'm not buying it. He's just too demoralized to keep giving his heart and soul to a terrible organization. The Jets have even sucked the life out of their biggest fan. And you know what? It's an absolute comedy show.

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Chicken Rollatini

Late Night Programming: Bobs Burgers

Late Night Song: No Cocaine by Slightly Stoopid

Fun Fact: The Giants Suck

Late Night Video:

NFL Picks Week 12

I have no time for the standings but Jimbo Slice is in first by a couple of games and Slothy and Daddy are tied...Here we go

Jimbo Slice:

Raiders at Bengals (-7.5): Bengals
Vikings at Bears (-6): Vikings
Falcons (-1) at Bucs: Falcons
49ers (-2.5) at Saints: Saints
Packers at Giants (-3): Giants

Daddy:

Raiders at Bengals (-7.5): Bengals

Vikings at Bears (-6): Bears

Falcons (-1) at Bucs: Bucs

49ers (-2.5) at Saints: Saints

Packers at Giants (-3): Packers

Slothy:

Raiders at Bengals (-7.5): Raiders

Vikings at Bears (-6): Bears

Falcons (-1) at Bucs: Falcons

49ers (-2.5) at Saints: Saints

Packers at Giants (-3): Giants

Drunk Story Saturday's: Terrible Luck

Drunk Story from Ralph (NYC):
"I went out for happy hour one night and of course this turned into an all night drinking affair. My buddy and his cousin were with me and his cousin called up a couple of girls to come meet us. It was perfect, three girls showed up and there was three of us. Basically, we were laying the mack down all night long and me and my buddy went back to these chicks apartment. What happened? I didn't have a condom. So the girl gives me her apartment key and tells me to go to the Walgreens around the block to get one. I was so fucked up I forgot where her apartment was and then when I finally found it I forgot which door it was. I tried her key on every apartment throughout the entire hallway until I found the right one. And then by the time I got back she was passed out. My luck is atrocious."

Is it terrible luck? Or is it just you drinking too much? I think it's a little bit of both. Always have to bring a condom and be prepared you never know when you're gonna need it. However, this story is hilarious and I do kind of feel bad for you.

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Thanksgiving leftovers obviously

Late Night Programming: I'm sure there's some college basketball on

Late Night Song: Take a Little Ride by Jason Aldean

Fun Fact: Odds of being on a plane with a drunken pilot 117 to 1...I do not feel very fucking safe flying anymore.

Late Night Video:

London Set to Open Up Sex Theme Park...I'm Applying For My Passport as We Speak

 

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/25467/.html 

Wow, I never thought I would see the day that something like this happened. London is opening up a sex theme park. There's an orgasm tunnel, a spankometer and a wall of cocks apparently. Some call it Disney with dildos, I just call it heaven. I am also applying for my passport as we speak. I don't care if I have to give blood and semen I am booking a trip asap. Why? Because who the fuck doesn't want to go to a sex theme park? It's fucking six flags for adults. And there's videos of people fucking all over the place. This is the greatest place on earth. Throw in a complimentary blowjob and a sandwich and no one would ever leave. 

How Does He Get Girls? He Lies

Men, we're all so clever. At least some of us are. I was listening to someone speak about how they get girls the other night and I thought to myself it may be sleezy, but it may also be genius. All he started off his sentence with was, "How do I get girls? I fucking lie."

And that's when he went into elaborating what he was talking about. How many women has he had sex with? He tells every girl no more than two. Has he ever told a girl he loves her? He tells every girl no. Does he want a relationship? If that's the only way he's gonna bang her right now, yes he does. It's sleezy, but it's brilliant.

Why? Because women are extremely gullible when it comes to men. They don't want to be considered sluts, but they're just as horny as men are. Therefore, all they need is some type of reassurance, aka hearing what they want to hear, and their pants are off faster than the Jets can give up 21 points. Ninety percent of women will tell you that a guy is a dick because he lied to her, told her he really liked her, and then she banged him and never spoke to him again. Did you think that was an accident? That was planned.

So how do most men get women? They fucking lie. Why? Because a woman might believe anything if she's in the right mood. All it takes is a bit of sounding sincere and it's in the bag. Just remember ladies, it's never an accident. The only way you're gonna know if he meant what he said is if he speaks to you the next day. Other than that, there's no real way of knowing if he's for real, you're pretty much just rolling the dice. It's the circle of life, or dating.

Well La dee Frikin Da!!

As I've grown in age, I've tried to control my emotions more maturely. I try to step away from the situation and realize my anger has no impact on a professional sporting event so there is really no reason for me to get too high or low during a game....that being said, I took about 15 gigantic steps back in my maturity process last night.

3 TD's in 52 seconds. Let me repeat that, 21 points in less than a fucking minute. 90 yard screen passes, offensive lineman getting THROWN by defensive lineman. Quarterbacks fumbling the ball on a slide. Special Teams continuing to be absolutely atrocious. I mean you have got to be kidding me. Wait, I almost forgot Shonn Greene fumbling the ball reaching for a first down like he was in the motherfucking endzone. Are you kidding me TYPO? My friend from Boston texted me after the Sanchez fumble, "SANCHEZZZ!!" And as I was responding to this with "I didn't see the play what happened? I was too busy throwing my remote into the T.V. after Shonn Greene fumbled and the Pats scored a 90 yard touchdown" As I was about to press "send" Joe Mcknight decides to cough the ball up right into the hands of Edelman and I just dropped my phone. I then received a text, "hahahahaha, when it rains, it fucking pours."

Truer words couldn't have been spoken. This is a pathetic organization right now. With a pathetic fan base. Steve alluded to this in his post, but the fact that the stadium actually got loud after the safety is pathetic on about 1,000 levels. For all of the "fans" who are cheering for Tebow to come into the game, kill yourself. Legitimately, jump off of a bridge and die on impact. If you're stupid enough to believe Tebow is the answer I don't want you procreating and breeding more idiotic members of your DNA on to this planet. So do the human race a favor, stop polluting the gene pool and put some arsenic in your chicken pot pie.

I don't even know what to say after last night. The 2nd quarter was one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen in my life. This season is OVER! OVER! Like I said before the season started, and I caught a ton of flack for it, this team isn't good. I said they'd go 6-10 or 7-9 and I'm probably going to be right. That's a perfect record to have the same exact record next season.

Fire Rex. Fire Tannenbaum. Trade Tebow for a Pepsi machine. Get a dynamic back or a vertical threat. Have a serious discussion with your new management team on what you want to do with Mark Sanchez. Make Bart Scott retire. Ask Shonn Greene why he can't move horizontally. Figure out why Sanchez can't throw a touch pass (because he's a machine quarterback. Meaning he looks like one of those guys that went to QB clinics his entire life and now has legitimately perfect mechanics, and because of that can't make plays on the fly or alter his mechanics to make difficult throws). Poison Mike Vick so he sucks the rest of the year and possibly becomes available next year. Have conversations with Usain Bolt. Bang Woody Johnson's smoke show wife. And lick Ms. Ryan's feet until she screams with ecstasy and Rex simultaneously busts a nut into his skinny fat belly button.

That is all.

Some Bold Predictions Heading Into This Weekend of College Football

I have decided that with College Football fully winding down that I will give you some bold predictions before the last regular season weekend begins. Like I said, they're bold predictions but it's the best I can do.

1) Love it or hate it, Notre Dame will be playing for a national title: Do I think they're one of the two best teams in the country? No. But they are still the only undefeated team, the computers love them and they're going against a USC team with no Matt Barkley. All this adds up to a win and Notre Dame playing for the national championship.

2) Florida State will beat Florida: Florida's offense is pathetic and Florida State's defense is just as good as the Gators. Plus in the event that Notre Dame loses the football gods just aren't going to allow a team with an offense this bad to play for a national championship.

3) Oregon will still play in the Pac 12 Championship game: Why? Because UCLA is going to beat Stanford and Oregon is going to beat Oregon State. With that little bit of help, the Ducks will be hosting UCLA for the Pac 12 title next weekend.

4) Clemson will be playing in a BCS bowl game: After they beat South Carolina in one of the biggest rivalry games in the country this weekend, the Tigers will be in the top ten. Their only loss was to Florida State and their offense has SEC athletes all over the field. Look for them playing in the Sugar Bowl against another at large BCS team.

5) Oklahoma will end up the Big XII champions: What? Am I out of my mind? Watch how demoralized Kansas State will be when they play Texas on December first. A loss to Texas and wins by Oklahoma against Oklahoma State this weekend and TCU next weekend and the Sooners are the Big XII champs. Don't worry, it will happen.

And finally...
Rutgers will be playing in a BCS bowl game: Yup, write it down. Rutgers will win the Big East and go to a BCS bowl game for the first time in program history. And then they'll move to the Big Ten and probably not win another one. But a team can dream can't it?

Jets Fans, Did You Really Expect Anything Else Last Night?

Jets fans, I really need to ask all of you a very serious question. Did you really expect anything else last night? It's a Thanksgiving prime time game against your biggest rival and you could have actually had a shot at a wild card spot if you could have somehow pulled off the victory. But what happened? The same old Jets showed up.

Four first half turnovers, 21 points given up in a span of 52 seconds and a 35-3 halftime deficit. And you know your franchise is pathetic when your fans go ape shit over two points when you're down by 32. Did you really think the Jets were going to somehow show that they were actually an NFL team at any point last night? Come on, if you're a long time, realistic Jets fan you had to know it was just the same old Jets.

And for everyone who's calling for Tebow, stop it. Mark Sanchez isn't the reason your team is awful. Is he part of it? Yes, but he's not the most significant part of it. A lot of it has to do with a lack of weapons, a coach who relies too heavily on a defense that just isn't that good and a locker room full of guys who talk out of their ass. Tebow isn't going to fix the problem. The only way you pull Sanchez is if you firmly believe the guy you're replacing him with is the long term answer. News flash, the long term answer is not Tebow.

Once again, it's just the Jets being the Jets. A franchise that is terribly run by terrible management and terrible coaches is all they will ever be until they get a new owner. But until that day comes don't expect anything less. Or you're gonna get are the same old Jets.

Asshole of the Day Award

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2236930/Stephanie-Fletcher-Newlywed-teacher-charged-raping-underage-students-affair-teacher.html

Well what else is new? Just another story of another teacher raping students because she has serious self esteem issues. But this one is better. She was a newly wed and she was also banging a teacher at the school to go along with the two students. I just love hearing shit like this. It never gets old. There will always be a dumb teacher who loves getting fucked by teenagers. They say guys are bad, but these female teachers are the fucking worst. What a cunt. Here's your t-shirt lady, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

Kicking Off the Holiday Season...

With the holiday season now in full effect here is just a little something to really let you know what time of year it is. It's that time of year again where we all have our life choices mocked at the dinner table. How do you think I feel? I have to sit there and tell people that I get paid to make fun of people on the internet and then at night I serve people drinks. This is also why I resort to drinking heavily at family events. If they're gonna think I'm a loser I might as well give them what they wanna see right?

Hide Ya Wife, Hide Ya Kids, Hide Ya Husbands Because Danica Patrick is Back on the Market

http://espn.go.com/racing/nascar/cup/story/_/id/8656901/danica-patrick-divorcing-husband-7-years

After seven years of being a house cat; Danica Patrick has announced her divorce and is back on the open market. I'm so happy to see her released back into the wild, I think she's gonna go on a massive dick crushing spree for a while with tons of different celebrities. I'm so excited I have a boner just thinking about it. There's no she won't. 7 years of sitting on the same dick has easily gotten boring for her. She's gonna be on a spree for months on end now. I can't wait to see what happens next.

For All You Ladies Tonight, Here's What Goes Good With Coconut Vodka

Well girls, since it's Thanksgiving Eve here's what goes good with coconut vodka for you. In case you were wondering it's teenage girls with low self esteem and questionable morals. Therefore, since you're of the legal drinking age and have probably been around the block a few times you shouldn't be drinking coconut vodka. Or coconut rum for that matter while we're on the topic. No more Malibu Bay Breezes for you. How about a vodka soda? If you want to go with some flavored vodka like orange or raspberry, that's okay too. Your hangover will not be nearly as severe and you'll be able to fully function tomorrow while you sit around family members you really don't like. Have a great fucking night.

Sarah Says: What Not to Say to the Ladies at Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time of year for family, fun, and binge eating. At the biggest get-togethers you’ll see cousins and aunts that you haven’t seen since last Thanksgiving! Sure you love your family, but what about those distant female cousins you don’t know that well? Tread lightly. You’re dealing with woman, booze and carbs. Here’s what not to say.

Could you please go get me some more stuffing?

Get your own damn stuffing, I’m eating.

Hey, go easy on the holiday wine.

Go easy on your face.

My, you’ve grown!

Are you calling me fat?

So, are there any men in your life?

[Insert death stare here]

Did you hear about how lovely your cousin’s wedding was?

Yes, I was there.

Do you know how many carbs that has?

No, and I could not give less of a shit. Pass the potatoes.

Don’t you think you’ve had enough turkey?

No, fuck you.

Here are the safest things to discuss with those distant lady cousins: How great the food is, how great their hair looks and that juicy gossip about your crazy aunt.

Happy Thanksgiving, boys!

Sarah is the founder of Not the It Girls. You can contact her at sarah@nottheitgirls.com.

Asshole of the Day Award

http://www.gainesville.com/article/20121120/ARTICLES/121129997/1150/news09?Title=GPD-Woman-arrested-after-putting-child-in-headlock

So a woman got drunk at her friends house while they were just hanging out. Then the woman who got hammered decided it was time to get violent. She put her friend's four year old daughter in a headlock, the cops got called, she resisted arrest and then got arrested. Listen hun, no one is impressed that you can put a four year old girl in a double nelson headlock. Vince McMahon isn't impressed, John Cena isn't impressed and the cops sure as hell aren't impressed. Here's your t-shirt lady. I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

D-III Guard Drops 138 Points in a Game

http://espn.go.com/mens-college-basketball/story/_/id/8658462/jack-taylor-grinnell-drops-138-points-collegiate-scoring-record

Jack Taylor of division III Grinnell destroyed the NCAA single game scoring record last night by dropping 138 points over some other shitty D-III school. He went 52-108 and 27-71 from three point range in the most ridiculous shit I've heard about in college basketball probably ever. Am I impressed? Sort of. But he did shoot the ball 108 fucking times. Did anyone else shoot? Ever? Like how much of a cockhead could you possibly be? And as for the defense, did they ever think about covering this kid? Like maybe put a couple of guys on him instead of nobody? Was there any defense being played on this kid? I'm almost convinced some type of deal was cut here where they just wanted to see how many points he could actually score. Well, we probably won't ever hear about this dude again after this week. He'll be the run of the mill flash in the pan who's all over ESPN for about a week to a week and a half, he'll win an ESPY and then he'll get a shitty job as a bank teller and no one will care. That's just the way the world works these days.

Twilight You Sneaky Bastard You

Two huge things happened in my life this week.  The Pats absolutely murdered the Colts, and my manfriend asked me to go see the new Twilight movie.  Yes, both those things happened on the same day.  Now, backstory to this is that he and I have this inside joke that we are like Bella and Jacob in twilight.  Fucking weird I know but we started dating around the first movie when he was my best friend chasing me around because I tend to fall for pale ass vampire looking guys.  Except I really hope he doesn’t end up fucking my daughter one day.  Anyways, when the Pats are winning I always get a little horny.  So I was feeling pretty good by the second half obviously. Then my man whips out tickets to go see Twilight right after the game. If I didn’t have an obsession with never missing movie previews I probably would have blown him right there.  

Now here is where it gets weird.  I was pretty psyched to see the movie, but I was already jacked up from the Patriots.  I would have been happy to take care of business there.  But we go see the movie because I’m not one to turn down any excuse to eat popcorn.  It was, as expected, pretty much like every other bad teen fiction movie.  Now here is where it gets really, really weird.  We get back, and it was like someone injected us with a week’s worth of Viagra.  Wham, bam, clothes were off and I’m almost positive we did at least 6 gymnastic positions in about 20 minutes.  As I’m lying in bed after trying to hide the fact that I have a huge cramp in my leg (I haven’t worked out in a while, opps), he turns to me and says he’s going to get me the entire twilight collection for Christmas if he gets sex like that every time I watch it. 

Wait, hold the fucking phone.  Did I seriously go ape shit on my boyfriend because he brought me to see twilight?  No, no, no it had to be the Pats right? Did I turn into some Taylor Swift type pussy that gets horny watching some emo dude glitter?  Yes, yes I did. If I had a dick, it would have fallen off at that moment. I don’t know what it is about all this 50 shades of grey and twilight shit, but they are putting some kind of subliminal messaging that translates frequencies directly to women’s ovaries.  There is no other explanation for the ridiculous amount of tang dudes are getting from this phenomenon that is basically a female version of world of warcraft.  If anyone needs me I’ll be in a corner watching Rambo and drinking whiskey trying to grow up from puberty.    

Bitch Gets Kicked In The Mouth

I don't know what anyone was trying to accomplish here, but someone tell this bitch she shouldn't be standing on the tracks when the train's coming through. Dumb broad just trying to out think the room and then she gets a foot to the mouth. Not too sure if this guy was a flake or if he was just wearing skinny jeans. But he did have us all fooled. I didn't think a dude wearing skinny jeans and a pink shirt would have it in him to kick a bitch in the mouth. Boy was I wrong.

Ray Anderson, The NFL Vice President Of Football Operations Is A Complete Asshole

This Ray Anderson guy, the Vice President of NFL operations might be the biggest asshole on the planet. He's the guy in charge of suspending Ed Reed for one game for a bunch of bullshit. Clearly this guy never played football before if he's suspending and fining defenders for hits to the head when defenders are changing their pad levels.

How are you expecting a defender to make less than a split second decision when the guy with the ball changes his pad level while you're already in the process of hitting him? He said the onus is still on the defender. What are you an asshole? How much of a cocksucker could you possibly be? Because hits to the head are life and career altering? So is a torn ACL when you force a guy to go low. That's career altering and when it's career altering, it's also life altering for 90% of these guys because all they know how to do is play football.

There is no way you can sit there and tell me that it's physically possible to change your aiming point while you're already in the process of making a hit. You know what? Let's just put skirts on them and give them colorful flags and play flag football. Because that's what you're turning it into. Give me a break. If you ever played football you would understand that. But clearly you have never been on a field at any level. And that's the problem with the people who are making the decisions. They've never played the game.

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Ring Dings

Late Night Programming: King of the Hill

Late Night Song: Lonely Boy by The Black Keys

Fun Fact: 28 kids were killed by toppling television sets in 1997...Why that's relevant I have no idea.

Late Night Video:

The Kansas City Chiefs Are So Bad They Actually Killed a Guy

It is official ladies and gentlemen, the Kansas City Chiefs are so bad that they actually killed a guy. When a family puts in an obituary that their family member died of MS and heartbreaking disappointment caused by the Kansas City Chiefs football team, your team sucks. So are the Chiefs like gonna be charged with murder for this? How does this work? Is it even possibly that your team is this bad they caused you to actually die? I mean I know the guy died, but this is actually hilarious. This is what my obituary is gonna look like when I die. Except it's gonna be changed around and say, "Committed suicide after the Mets signed another center fielder who hits .205 with a .250 on base percentage." And that's where it will end, just like that.

I Felt Like So Much Less Of a Man on Saturday Night...

Saturday night was a night where I stood there and actually questioned my manhood. Why? Well what happened was that I was the bartender for a party of 80-100 people, most of them being gay guys. Seriously, the dude who's party it was worked for GQ, brought his own cupcakes, and made a montage of pictures of himself to play on one of the TV's. He also made up names for his own drinks like the "Golden Quench". Oh, and every gay guy was wearing like a skinny bow tie. It was fairly hilarious.

Anyway, given the circumstances I was figuring gay guys in bow ties, I'm probably gonna be making an absurd amount of cranberry vodkas and sex on the beach the entire fucking night. But I couldn't have been more wrong. Every gay guy was ordering either Jack and coke or Jack and ginger ale. I slowly felt like less of a man with every drink order. Why? Because I hate whiskey. I can't handle whiskey. I think it's gross. Plus the only people I know who enjoy whiskey are like manly men with a lot of chest hair.

I never thought gay guys would enjoy drinking whiskey as much as they enjoy sucking dick. Like they wouldn't stop they just kept ordering it. Maybe it's just because the name of it is a guy and that's why gay guys love it? I don't know, I don't have the answer.

However, it did make me feel better that they were ordering shots of chocolate cake flavored vodka because men don't drink that. But when they were ordering Jack and coke, I felt like I should have been wearing a skinny bow tie and short shorts drinking a vodka cranberry. Does not liking whiskey make me less of a man? I'll let you decide. But I'm happy to say you will never find me wearing a skinny bow tie and taking shots of chocolate cake flavored vodka.

How You Know You Have a Big Dick...

There is a kid on a college campus somewhere in the Bronx, NY who apparently has the biggest dick that anyone's ever seen. In fact, his dick is so big that it has its own twitter. However, that is not the barometer on having a huge dick. The story that I heard about the other night is actually the real barometer.

Rumor has it that there was a scavenger hunt taking place on said campus on Saturday night. One of the items on the scavenger hunt list? A dick pic from this kid. That right there took the cake for me as a legendary penis. When your dick is an item on the list for a scavenger hunt, you have a hammer.

Like there have been stories of huge dicks before, but have they ever been an object on a scavenger hunt? Have they ever had four different groups of people come up to them and ask them for a picture of their dick? Probably not. They probably don't even have their own twitter account.

No homo, but from the stories I have heard of this kid's dick I kind of want to see what all the fuss is about. Is it really as large as they say? Or is it just an urban legend? I don't know. But you can follow his dick on twitter @esposhammer. There is no picture of his dick there, but it does tweet daily. Then you can decide for yourself whether it is a myth or the real deal.

Is Notre Dame Really the Best Team in the Country?

After the upsets of this past weekend in college football, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish are now America's number one team. But are they the best team in college football? I understand they're the only undefeated team in college football, but are they really the best team? A ton of people want to sit there and say their schedule really isn't that easy because they've played against teams you have "heard of". But when did "hearing" of a team actually make them good? And it's not about the teams they've played. It's about the fact that they've been in games with these bad teams. They haven't been in games with bad SEC teams, they've been in games with bad teams from the Big Ten and the Big East. Yes, they did beat Oklahoma, I understand that. But if you put Notre Dame on the field with Alabama, which seems like it's going to happen, my money is all over Bama. I am by no means saying they are not a good football team. I love Manti Teo, I love their defense and I love Brian Kelly. But I still don't firmly believe they're the best team in the country.

Sidenote: If Florida somehow ends up playing for the National Championship it's going to be a fucking travesty with this BCS shit, further proving how much of a joke the BCS actually is.