Two huge things happened in my life this week. The Pats absolutely murdered the Colts,
and my manfriend asked me to go see the new Twilight movie. Yes, both those things happened on the
same day. Now, backstory to this
is that he and I have this inside joke that we are like Bella and Jacob in
twilight. Fucking weird I know but
we started dating around the first movie when he was my best friend chasing me
around because I tend to fall for pale ass vampire looking guys. Except I really hope he doesn’t end up
fucking my daughter one day. Anyways,
when the Pats are winning I always get a little horny. So I was feeling pretty good by the
second half obviously. Then my man whips out tickets to go see Twilight right
after the game. If I didn’t have an obsession with never missing movie previews
I probably would have blown him right there.
Now here is where it gets weird. I was pretty psyched to see the movie, but I was already
jacked up from the Patriots. I would
have been happy to take care of business there. But we go see the movie because I’m not one to turn down any
excuse to eat popcorn. It was, as
expected, pretty much like every other bad teen fiction movie. Now here is where it gets really,
really weird. We get back, and it
was like someone injected us with a week’s worth of Viagra. Wham, bam, clothes were off and I’m
almost positive we did at least 6 gymnastic positions in about 20 minutes. As I’m lying in bed after trying to
hide the fact that I have a huge cramp in my leg (I haven’t worked out in a
while, opps), he turns to me and says he’s going to get me the entire twilight
collection for Christmas if he gets sex like that every time I watch it.
Wait, hold the fucking phone. Did I seriously go ape shit on my boyfriend because he brought
me to see twilight? No, no, no it
had to be the Pats right? Did I turn into some Taylor Swift type pussy that
gets horny watching some emo dude glitter? Yes, yes I did. If I had a dick, it would have fallen off at
that moment. I don’t know what it is about all this 50 shades of grey and
twilight shit, but they are putting some kind of subliminal messaging that
translates frequencies directly to women’s ovaries. There is no other explanation for the ridiculous amount of
tang dudes are getting from this phenomenon that is basically a female version
of world of warcraft. If anyone
needs me I’ll be in a corner watching Rambo and drinking whiskey trying to grow
up from puberty.
No comments:
Post a Comment