How Low Will Guys Go?

 

A very good female friend of mine was curious and asked me, "Daddy, since you know pretty much everything there is to know about life; what's the face to body ratio that guys are willing to work with? If a girl's face is a 10 how low can the body score, and if the girl's body is a ten how low can the face score?" So maybe the first part of that quote wasn't actually said, but it might have been thought about. Anyway, let's move on. 

When most guys look at a girl, the first thing they notice is whether or not she has a pretty face. Usually the checklist starts with the face, and then we work our way down. Let's say the face is a ten. Now we have to throw in our control group, which is the personality. We rate personality on a 1 to 5 scale, 5 being the highest. So if her face is a ten and her personality is a two, add them up and divide by two. Which means that this girls body can be no lower than a six. Remember the equation, face plus personality divided by two equals how low the body can go. 

On the flip side, Although we notice the face first, we are willing to look past a not so good face for an awesome body. If the body is a ten, but the face isn't so great, we use the perseverance test. The perseverance test is how long you can look at a girls face before getting nausea. If you can look for a solid one to two minutes, you're good to go. Besides, for the most part, you're going to be staring at her body anyway. 

Moral of the story? Even though guys look for the face first, we are more willing to work with a great body and a not so great face before we work with a great face and not so great body. It's really all about the sex appeal. If she's just a pretty face, it doesn't make you want to have sex with her. But if she has a great body, you wonder what exactly is underneath those clothes. It's a harsh reality, but it's the way that most men think, including myself. 

The Direct Correlation

 

For those of you who wonder if there is a direct correlation between dancing and sex, that question will be answered right about now. The answer to that question is actually yes, there is a direct correlation. Why? There just is. Especially for women. 

Women who have sex appeal, know how to move their body, and actually have rhythm are the one's who know what they're doing in bed. This doesn't have to be a slut, any girl who can dance is great in bed, fact. Dancing is actually a big seller for me. If a girl can't dance, I can't get with her, it just doesn't work. Most dancing is basically dry humping anyway, if you can't even figure out how to do that, there is no way you're gonna figure out the real thing once the clothes come off. 

Why does that matter? It matters because no one wants to have sex with the girl who's dancing on the bar all off beat and shit like she's deaf. That girl is a dead fish at the very best and she's not cutting the mustard. But the girl who knows how to move to the beat and makes you think about fat chicks so you don't get a boner while she's grinding on you is the one who you almost feel like you need to take home just to see how good she'll really be. And the one's who can dance will never disappoint. It's one of the facts of life. 

NFL Mid Season Review

 

Here we go, we are basically at the halfway point in the NFL season so why not come out with our mid season review about our thoughts so far...

Best team in the NFL: Green Bay Packers 

Johnny Baseball's Packers are by far the best team in the NFL. If you have learned anything from this season so far it should be that the Packers are the class of the league and other than them, there are no other really good teams. There are good teams, but the Packers are the only REALLY GOOD team. 

AFC Thoughts: 

Quite honestly, I have no idea what to make of the AFC. New England is good, but they're not far and away better than anyone in the rest of the conference. Baltimore shows up when they want to, no one knows what to make of the Jets, the West looks like a disaster and the South is awful. My real thoughts are that the Steelers are emerging as the best team in the AFC. They showed me a lot against New England and their defense is starting to come around. They'll be dangerous as the weather gets cold.

NFC Thoughts:

I've already spoke about the Packers so I won't talk about them again. But even though the Giants are 5-2, don't expect that to last with their schedule actually starting next week. They'll go 7-9 or 8-8. The Eagles look like they're starting to turn it around, but who knows. Dallas makes you think one week that they're legit and then the next week they don't show up and the Saints aren't as dominant as we all thought they would be. On the brighter side of things, the 49ers basically clinched the West yesterday moving to 6-1 and the Lions are 6-2. By the way, the Lions were my second wild card team when I made my picks this year. 

Biggest disappointment:

Hands down, it's Chris Johnson. He gets his money and has now decided to not show up. This is the main reason why I wouldn't have given him his money. If he was still playing under his old contract he would have something to play for, but now he has his money and nothing to play for. I think everyone saw this one coming. 

Biggest surprise:

How about those San Francisco 49ers? Harbaugh has made this team a tough physical team and they are physically pounding teams week in and week out. The defense has been awesome and Alex Smith has played surprisingly well. They have pretty much won the West already with that division being so awful and they can make a run in the NFC Playoffs. I'm saying this team will be 12-4 with a first round bye. 

Asshole Of The Day Award

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/chi-prosecutor-man-burst-into-apartments-looking-for-beer-20111030,0,816386.story

 

If you're breaking into apartments at four in the morning and rummaging through refrigerators because you're in desperate need of beer, I think it's time to admit that you have a drinking problem. And then to top it off, he stabs a guy in the back with a cork screw. Is beer really that important to you that you have to go around stabbing people with cork screws just to get some? Then you decide to tell a cop you have AIDS and spit on him while he's arresting you. Luckily for the cop, you're a fucking moron and don't know that AIDS doesn't transfer through your spit dipshit. And I'm also just trying to figure out how you got AIDS. With the exception of rape, who the fuck would sleep with a piece of shit like you? I can't actually answer that question. But here's your t-shirt AIDS monkey, have fun while in detox. 

Match Point

 

I guess this answers this kids question of whether or not he's a good athlete. I know it's only ping pong, but if you can't stay on your feet doing this then I'm pretty sure you have no future in real athletics. I mean you didn't just go down bro. You went down like the Titanic. And the reaction of your buddy on the other end is hilarious. He's so shocked by how uncoordinated you are that he has no idea what to do. He's still a better man than me because I would've just stood over you and laughed for a solid thirty minutes. 

Monday Movie Clip Of The Week

 

If you have never seen Anchorman, then you have clearly been living under a rock. It's in my top five and this scene is definitely at the top of the list. There is just something so wrong about a man kicking a dog off a bridge that makes it incredibly hysterical. If you had a long weekend of drinking and have no idea how you're gonna wake up for work tomorrow then this is the clip for you. Nothing like a little Will Ferrell and Jack Black to start off your week. 

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Coffee Cakes

Late Night Movie: Scream

Late Night Song: Roller Coaster Of Love by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Fun Fact: One in four women over 35 says that she has never had sex...She says it, whether or not it's true is a totally different story.

Late Night Video:

                            

Slothys Picks

I'll continue my domination this week

Redskins vs Bills- Bills
Lions vs Broncos- Lions
Pats vs Steelers- Patriots
Cowboys vs Eagles- Eagles
Chargers vs Chiefs- Chargers

NFL Picks Week 8

Standings (by win percentage minimum ten games played)

Tommy the Mic 7-3 (.700)

Quite Frank-ly 7-3 (.700)

Slothy 9-6 (.667)

Jimbo Slice 6-4 (.667)

Steve the Hammer 7-8 (.467)

Steve the Hammer:

Redskins vs Bills: Bills

Lions vs Broncos: Broncos

Patriots vs Steelers: Patriots

Cowboys vs Eagles: Cowboys

Chargers vs Chiefs: Chiefs

Quite Frank-ly:

Redskins vs Bills: Bills

Lions vs Broncos: Broncos

Patriots vs Steelers: Steelers

Cowboys vs Eagles: Cowboys

Chargers vs Chiefs: Chiefs

Jimbo Slice:

Redskins vs Bills: Bills

Lions vs Broncos: Lions

Patriots vs Steelers: Patriots

Cowboys vs Eagles: Eagles

Chargers vs Chiefs: Chiefs

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Candy Apple

Late Night Movie: Jason

Late Night Song: Higher Ground by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Fun Fact: Don't wait to feel turned on before you make a move; most women experience arousal after the fun has already begun...So there's no more not in the mood excuses anymore ladies.

Late Night Video: 

                                         

A True Pimp

 

Drunk Story from Tucker (Sacred Heart)

Well it was Halloween and I went to a house party that went from a get together of just friends and turned out of control. Just like my roommates, I was there to get as drunk as I possibly could. They'll never admit it to me, but I taught them how to drink. Now, I'm at this party dressed as basically a makeshift pimp. I found a giant hat at the halloween store and bought a thirty dollar bathrobe to make myself look like a pimp. As the night went on, I was absolutely obliterated. There was this girl at the party who wanted me for a couple of years. She was always a sloppy mess and she started coming on to me like she usually did when she got fucked up. At this point my two roommates are nowhere to be found and I run upstairs to the bathroom to take a piss. Apparently this bitch followed me up the stairs. I open the bathroom door and she basically tackles me back in. Basically, this was the point of no return and I'm figuring pussy's pussy right? So I bend this girl over and bang her doggy style in the most disgusting college bathroom you may ever see. In the middle of this I look to my left and see myself in the mirror with my pimp hat still on banging this girl. I tried extremely hard not to laugh, but I couldn't help it. It's not one of my proudest moments, but it still makes for an awesome story. 

Sounds like nothing but a true pimp to me. 

Drunk Story Saturday's: Welcome To College

 

Drunk Story from Mike (William Paterson)

We played Kings College at Kings, first win of our college career, young guys out here who don’t know our limits and just said fuck it and start in the dorm rooms drinking straight Majorska. We make our way over to the football house, which is behind one of the biggest clubs up here at school. We walk in hammered already, one of my boys was walking around with two 30’s of miller light in his back pack, and all he kept saying was "IT’S MILLER TIME" over and over. We’re drinking and smoking in the house, when the senior d-end hands me a handle of captain morgan and says "Chug this shit bro"...Obviously I obliged. Then it hit me, I was fucking hammered. Couldn’t move, couldn’t talk.

I wound up outside somehow and started pissing in the backyard until all of a sudden I get a huge shove from my boy Steve.

All he kept saying was "Mike we gotta go the cops are coming", my response was "fuck you Steve" so like he would do, he slapped me over and over until I started following him. Me, Steve and my boy JP are walking to the parking lot. Me and JP are hammered stumbling everywhere and on the verge of puking. Plus we didn’t have a ride because our boy dropped us of and then went home for the weekend. Me and JP say "fuck it" and just start booking it to school which is probably 3 miles away, until all of a sudden a car doing 90mph comes speeding up out of nowhere, almost hitting us. It’s the senior d-end and linebacker; they say get in the car now. There’s a problem though, we can’t all fit. Just my luck I’m the last one in and there’s no room for me, until I heard a pop sound and the trunk opened.

They put me in the trunk of a honda civic…and I’m semi claustrophobic. I’m also about 6’1 and 240 pounds. They put me in and within 2 minutes of driving I start yelling "get me out get me out" and I hear Steve saying, "stop being a pussy” until we finally stop at the school, and they let me out. I jump out, run up to the street sign and just stat punching it until it falls to the ground. So once I’m done molesting the street sign it’s time for us to go back up to the dorms, which is up a hill. I’m so fucked up I can’t walk so I had a teammate push me up the hill, all the while I’m turning around swinging at him saying "get the fuck off me" until we reach the building.

Now’s where it starts getting hazy. Apparently I went up to the room while Steve went to go see some girl. When Steve was done, he comes back to the room to find me face down, passed out in the middle of the hallway unconscious. He opens our door and starts dragging me into the room, while my pants start falling off. After I’m in the room he leaves me on the floor passed out with no pants on. Some time passes and our other roommate comes into the room, sees me, steps over me, and accidentally starts playing music on his computer. I apparently hear this, jolt up and throw up everywhere on the floor and on myself. I woke up the next morning on my bed wearing my boy from home’s shirt that I stole from him, covered in throw up. And that’s pretty much my welcome to college story.

I think it's even more phenomenal that through all of this you actually managed to wipe out a street sign. 

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Milano Cookies

Late Night Movie: IT

Late Night Song: You Don't Know How It Feels by Tom Petty

Fun Fact: An orgasm can cure stage fright...I don't know if that's hilarious to anyone else but it's hilarious to me.

Late Night Video: 

                                        

I Wonder If They Look As Good Naked

 

Have you ever met someone and thought to yourself, "I wonder what you look like naked,"? People can have their moments and everyone can look good at certain times, but the real test is if a person still looks good while they're naked. There's not really much you can hide when you have no clothes on. You're either gonna look good, or you're not. 

Women do a very good job at hiding flaws. The wonders of make up are undeniable. But there are also other things that women can hide. Let's take the size of their chest for example. There are things known as push up bras that make a woman's chest area appear bigger than it actually is. But when you're naked, you can't pretend to have big tits, you either have them or you don't. You're not faking big tits unless they're actually fake. 

As for guys you can't hide the size of your manhood, but it's something that women wonder about. Ladies, you know I'm right. Once you get naked, there's really no hiding it. You're either serviceable down south, or you're hung like a light switch. In some cases you can be a grower, not a shower, but there's really no hiding your size. Same thing with your gut. You can hide it with big shirts and things like that, but once the shirt comes off, there's no hiding anything. 

So yes, you can meet a person who looks great while clothed, but looks awful when their clothes come off. It can also go the other way where you just think this person's okay and then when the clothes come off you're in shock that they look so good. Either way, you'll probably catch yourself thinking about what some people look like naked when you first meet them. I do it about eighty percent of the time.  

If She's Giving You Looks Behind Her Man's Back, Don't Bother

 

You can always find one girl who spells trouble while she's out with her boyfriend. This isn't all girls, this is the exception, not the rule. Have you ever been out and watched a girl give another guy looks while she's out with her boyfriend? I'm talking like eye fuck with a smile looks, not just any run of the mill look. 

The first thought in this situation is, "really?" How disrespectful is it that you're out with your boyfriend and you're eye fucking someone else behind his back? That's disrespectful and it's also fairly on the slutty side. Well, it's very much on the slutty side, I was just trying to be nice for once. But come on, what are you trying to do here? 

If you're the other guy in this situation, seriously, look away. Ignore the bitch because this situation only screams out trouble for the rest of your night. You're probably with your friends planning to have a good night out. There are plenty of other women around who are actually single. You don't want to be secretly hitting on a chick with her boyfriend clearly in the room. That'll only lead to a fight and it'll not only ruin your night, but your friends night at well. 

I can't honestly figure out what this girl is trying to do. Either she hates her boyfriend, or she's trying to get you to get into a fight with her boyfriend so she gets all the attention. Maybe she just wants guys fighting over her because she's single and it doesn't happen for her anymore. I don't know. But the one thing I do know is that if this ever happens to you, just ignore her and get away. You definitely don't need the trouble. And if worse comes to worse, try and bang her hot friend. 

Asshole Of The Day Award

http://www.wtae.com/r/29609287/detail.html

 

The key to any good theft plot is a great getaway vehicle. In this case I think the plot was a little bit skewed. Well, first of all, he stole a sandwich from a diner. You really didn't have the eight bucks for the sandwich bro? And then you thought that using a forklift as the getaway vehicle was an awesome idea. Really? A forklift? Did you know before you got into the thing that it moves at a top speed of about three miles an hour? And at what point did you say to yourself, "I immediately regret this decision,"? On the bright side, you get a free t-shirt, on the downside, you're probably gonna end up with some community service when this is all said and done. I hope the sandwich was worth stealing. 

Sweet Ups...

 

I don't quite understand how a girl who's about 105 pounds soaking wet has the same amount of ups as a 350 pound man. Be an athlete girl, get some fucking air if you're gonna try and pull a move like this. You can't just try and half ass it because it's not gonna work. See what happens when you half ass something, you break your ribs on the side of the pool. Either find some ups, or stay away from airborne stunts. It's not that difficult of a request. The fat black kid from Old School got more air than you, can you tell me how that is scientifically possible? 

Defriendment Friday's

Might have been the easiest decision I've ever had to make...

Steve the Hammer:

The Culprit: Victoria (last name removed)

Status that broke the camel's back: "8-10:15am homework, 10:15-11am printing stuff from staples for homework, 11-6 work, 8-11pm homework. Can it be freakin' bedtime now?"

Reason for Defriendment: I don't know if it's harder for me to determine if I care less about your daily schedule or less about what the cast of the jersey shore decides to be for halloween. Either way, the easiest way to get defriended is to pull a stunt like this. No one cares what you'll be doing at every point throughout the day. You're not a celebrity signing autographs, therefore no one gives a shit; including myself. Just don't get mad at me. I don't defriend people, you defriend yourself.

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Anything from Chipotle

Late Night Movie: Freddy Kruger

Late Night Song: Intergalactic by Beastie Boys

Fun Fact: A fetus responds to mom getting it on; it can sense blood pressure and heart rate changes and feels non sexual excitement...This is just weird, and dad's dick must be like an inch away from its face.

Late Night Video:

                                        

The Great Debates Hammer vs Slothy: Week 1 What's Better? A Great BJ Or Great Sex?

                       VS

Hammer

Slothy

Hammer's Case:

For this topic I will be debating why great sex is better than a great blowjob. It's actually not that difficult of a premise to argue. Why? Because oral sex is normally not enjoyable for both parties. Only the receiver is getting the pleasure in the oral sex department. The quarterback gets no glory here. Great sex is an equal opportunity employer. 

I'm sorry that I like to boost my self esteem by knowing that I'm giving women awesome pleasure. Even if they're lying to me, it's still a confidence booster. Does that make me a bad person because I like to be a pleasure giver? If it does then shoot me. But I'm not gonna apologize because great sex is great for both parties. There's nothing better than knowing you satisfied her as much as she satisfied you. For the sex to be considered great, both of you need to be equally satisfied.

Also, great sex makes you feel like the Alpha Male. A woman's vagina is her most prized possession. Her vagina is sacred. What is better than being inside of a woman's most prized possession? Nothing is better than that. It makes you the Alpha Male, almost making it feel like you are an owner of a vagina. It's like being the owner of a professional team. You reap all the benefits, but you don't have to deal with any of the bullshit. 

If you want to sit there and be the selfish person where only you get gratified, go with the blowjob. But if you want to really be the Alpha Male, then choose great sex. She gets pleasured, you get pleasured, and you don't have to hear her sit and complain about you only wanting to sit back while she does all the work. 

Great Sex > Great Blowjob

Slothy's Case:

Look, I'm not here to argue that one of these acts are shit and the other is gold. There's no debating that a blowjob or sex are two of the greatest things ever created.

However, when the debate between the two comes up and the question of which one is better arises (in this case, great sex, or a great blowjob) I'm going to have to defend my main man the blowjob. See, here's the thing...great sex is great...there is no denying that; however bad sex is still OK. There's an old saying that goes, "Sex is like pizza, even when it's bad; it's still pretty good." This is the basis for my argument.

Great pizza is fantastic. I'll never shit on pizza because I love it. Great pizza is noticeably better than mediocre pizza; a slice at DiFara's on avenue J makes you never want to eat neighborhood pizza again. However...if you're really hungry, that neighborhood pizza is still pretty damn good. (I hope everyone is still with the metaphor)

A blowjob is not pizza. A blowjob is sushi. A blowjob can be absolutely horrendous, it can affect you for days, just like bad sushi. Bad sushi is not like bad pizza. Bad sushi is not OK. However, great sushi is absolutely tremendous. Like eating little pieces of butter. Every piece is a different taste, different feeling, all of your senses just combining to produce a feeling of exuberance and glee, just like a great blowie. Not to be mean in anyway to pizza, but great pizza just doesn't come close to great sushi.

Mathematically the mean for sex and blowjobs look like this (out 0f 100) sex-(84.4) blowjob (65.8). As you can see the average score for sex is WAY higher. However, the standard deviation tells a different story. Sex Std Deviation: (3.1) Blowjob Std Deviation: (15.5). This means that the scores for sex were all pretty similar...if you go two standard deviations from the mean you would see that 95% of people gave sex a score of 90.6 or below. When looking at blowjobs two standard deviations from the mean you get 96.8.

Analyzing this statistics will tell you that although sex had a higher mean (avg) score, the highest scores on the scale were given to blowjobs; thus mathematically proving that a great blowjob is greater then great sex.

                                            

Is She A Slut Because She Dresses Like A Slut On Halloween?

 

Yes, every year for halloween you will have girls dress like sluts. Actually, about 99.9% of girls dress like a slut on halloween. Why? Because they think that just because it's the one day of the year where they can be whatever they want, dressing like a slut is okay. Well girls, because of that .01% of girls who don't dress like sluts, I'm here to tell you why it's not just okay. 

How come suddenly just because it's halloween you're all under the impression that it's perfectly fine to have your entire ass hanging out and just stickers covering your nipples? Since when was that ever okay? Do I mind it? Absolutely not, but don't walk around saying that just because you're dressed like a slut doesn't make you a slut, because you're giving off the wrong impression. 

It's like running up to a fireman, telling him to come help with a fire, and then him turning to you and saying, "Just because I'm wearing this outfit doesn't mean I'm a fireman." You would be more confused than a 6 year old walking in on his parents fucking. 

Here's my suggestion. If you're gonna dress like a slut on halloween, then you better go the whole nine yards. Dress like a slut, go home with a random dude and bang him. If you wanna be something you're not, then at least take full responsibility and do it all the way. If not, then wear something not slutty, that way us guys don't get the wrong idea. 

                                       

The 2011 List Of It's Too Soon For That Halloween Costume

For this one I'm gonna go with a list of costumes that are probably too soon for you to use this weekend. Don't take offense to these please, have a sense of humor, it's just for laughs. So if you are going to get offended I actually don't want to hear about it because it means you're miserable and have no sense of humor.

2011 Too Soon For That Halloween Costume:

1) Steve Jobs: You know someone's gonna do it.
2) Ryan Dunn: People have been growing out their beards for awhile now.
3) Michael J. Fox: I don't know how one would pull this off.
4) Heath Ledger: I still find the Joker nurse costumes slightly offensive.
5) Japanese Tsunami victim: You would need to be pretty creative for this one.
6) Turkish Earthquake victim: Definitely too soon.
7) Gaddafi: If anyone shows up as him, you win.
8) Lindsay Lohan in an orange jumpsuit: This is just an epic idea.
9) Wall Street Protester: You might get beat up on the spot.
10) Osama Bin Laden: I don't think anyone has the balls for this one. I know I wouldn't.

Top 5 Overused Halloween Costumes For Both Guys And Girls

Every year we see the same array of costumes from unoriginal girls and guys. So here is our list of the top five from both...

Women:

1) Cop: Every year we see the whole slutty cop outfit from a minimum of three hundred different girls. If more than three of them are at the same party they'll play a game called who can get the most drunk and be the slutty cop that everyone remembers. They will then follow that up by going around the party handcuffing certain people thinking that everyone will remember them. Sadly, they have no idea that they're just looking like even more of an attention whore. 

2) Cat: I hate this costume. Women think that it's the greatest costume ever. You can't find anything else so you buy ears, dress like a slut and then use your eye liner to throw whiskers and a nose on your face. At least be somewhat creative. 

3) Risky Business: When having absolutely zero original ideas groups of girls will always dress in boxer shorts and a guys button down with sun glasses and say, "We're risky business, you know the Tom Cruise movie?" Yes, I know the movie, stop asking me. If you see less than thirty girls in this costume, it's a slow year. 

4) Referee: This one is always lovely. The slutty referee look has taken on a whole new meaning these days. I don't know why you want to wear this costume because it looks really shitty and isn't as slutty as you intended. And half of you walk around blowing your fucking whistle the whole time and it makes everyone want to punch you in the face.

5) Slutty_______(insert costume here): Yeah, when girls can't think of anything good they just say, "I'll just be a slutty whatever." Good for you, but maybe try and think of something creative once in awhile instead of basically just being a slut for halloween. 

 

Guys:

1) Super Sperm: I have no idea why dudes think this costume is hilarious, it's really not. I thought I was immature, if you're a dude who thinks this costume is the funniest thing you've ever seen, you're either in the 8th grade or you need a reality check. This costume is shit. 

2) Firefighter: Yeah, just throw some stuff together and look like a fireman. An extremely out of shape fireman with absolutely no coordination. 

3) Pimp: The pimp costume has totally run its course. At this point in time you really need something a little more original. 

4) Crock of Shit: Another costume that looks terrible and isn't funny. You are literally dressed as a piece of shit. Who is the last guy to get laid dressed as a piece of shit? Not you, I know that much.

5) Alan from the Hangover: Since that movie came out about fifty percent of guys have bought the shirt with the baby on it, threw on a beard, sunglasses and a satchel and thought to themselves, "Hey, this is a hilarious idea." It's not, and you look like a jackass. It was good the first year, now it's just dumb.

Asshole Of The Day Award

http://www.stuff.co.nz/auckland/local-news/5863869/Nurse-struck-off-for-touching-patients

 

How big of an asshole do you have to be to be a nurse and touch women during their ambulance rides? Like unless protocol has changed, I'm pretty sure complimentary vaginal and breast exams are not part of your run of the mill ambulance ride. You need to be the biggest dickhead on the face of the earth to pull off a stunt like this. I mean come on Focker, one of the girls was 16, how fucking sick in the head are you? What's next? Fucking dead bodies? You should never be allowed to work in or near a hospital or even people for that matter ever again. Here's your t-shirt Focker, it's the only shirt you'll probably ever need in your wardrobe. 

This Dude Gets It In The Ass...Literally

  

It would be easy for me to say that I feel bad for this guy, but I'm not gonna do that. If you wanna be a big dog and try to ride a unicycle and then try to grind on a railing, you're gonna get what you deserve. The irony here is that he basically did grind on the railing, only it was with his ass instead of the unicycle. Now you know what prison feels like when a 300 pound man makes someone his girlfriend. Moral of the story here is if you don't know what you're doing, it's gonna eventually bite you in the ass. Or in this case get shoved up your ass. 

Thursday: Party Song(s) Of The Weekend

 

 

So I couldn't decide this week, but in the spirit of halloween I figured for the first one I would use the Mike Myers Halloween dance remix. It only fits the bill for this weekend. Next, I decided to use Sex, Drugs and House by the D-Devils just because it's awesome. If you don't hear both of these songs while you're out this weekend then your job is to walk straight up to the DJ and punch him in his face. Other than that, enjoy your halloween weekend and as always, get hammered. 

Vince Of Reason's Early Bird Special

Breakfast Special: Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Daily Activity: Spin Class

Porno Flick: Debbie Does Dallas

This Day In History: New York City subway opens 1904

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: French Toast Sticks

Late Night Movie: Halloween 

Late Night Song: No Sleep Till Brooklyn by Beastie Boys

Fun Fact: Almost 53 percent of women have used external stimulation...And women claim they don't masturbate.

Late Night Video:

                                        

The Sexiest Thing on Earth

That's Kate Bosworth if you didn't know...but this post isn't about her, it's about those eyes. Now yes, they're nice to look, very pretty, extremely unique...but what good are eyes like this if they aren't looking up at you from the tip of your cock?

Let me put a little knowledge in the brains of anybody reading this...there is literally nothing better than seeing this looking up at you, NOTHING! Unfortunately not everyone is going to get to experience something like this but if you have the chance to, you HAVE to jump on the opportunity. Passing on an opportunity like this would be the equivalent of growing up in New York and being a Met fan. Just plain foolish and a guaranteed way to have your life be a complete disappointment.

Eyes like this are a complete game changer. One of a kind, and something that needs to be cherished and revered. If you see a girl at a bar or a party or a yoga club or a pumpkin patch it is imperative to your future that you introduce yourself. You'd literally be living out a fantasy everyday. Those eyes won't go away like nice boobies or a tight body. Those eyes are there to stay, so when you're 85 years old laying back on the porch getting domed up with those eyes looking up at you, you can just thank me.

p.s. my girlfriend sports these

@jimboslicee's #TweetoftheDay .. Does The Costume Your Girl Wears Make Her A Slut?

Halloween Shows The Type of Girl You Got...

The Person...
- Mike Williams (Seattle Seahawks WR) @BigMikeWill17

The Tweet...
- "Halloween is the time when you find out what kind of girl you have... If she wants to be a "slutty" anything, you have your answer.."

The Reaction...
- ive heard this a lot... i suspect it being true, i mean halloween is just a big excuse for girls to dress up slutty and not be ridiculed for it right? i never had a g.f during halloween so ive never encountered this situation, so i dont know how id react honestly if she looked slutty on halloween. Mike Williams' words will have me thinking in the future...

You Love The Way She Looks At You

 

This is a little hard to explain but the way a girl looks at you can be sexy. This goes way beyond eye fucking, this is more along the lines of an attribute that a woman has that not even she knows about. It's actually one of the sexiest things about some women. The way they look at you. 

Most of the time, these girls have great eyes. Having great eyes is the first thing that makes their look incredibly sexy. And after that it's all about the smile. A great smile to the edition of great eyes just makes most guys want to stop what they're doing and have sex with you on the spot. It sounds perverted, but if you're a guy you know exactly what I'm talking about. 

Don't get this confused with someone who you actually like. This is all about the way a girl looks at you that makes you want to have sex with her. Once you get that look, you'll know it. Will it work out for you? Maybe, but I've done all I could do to help you recognize it, and the rest is up to you. Good luck. 

Has Anyone Ever Been Laid After Wearing A Brown Corduroy Jacket?

 

I wish I could get paid to people watch. One day I will. So I'm hanging out the other night and I see a date going on in the corner. I was originally told by the guy that it was a blind date, which had recipe for disaster written all over it. I never question anything and then the waitress pointed out to me that this dude was wearing a brown corduroy jacket. 

I think I was more baffled than anything else when I realized how terrible this jacket looked. First impressions are everything and you show up wearing a brown corduroy jacket? You might as well have just written on your forehead, "I do not plan on getting laid, ever." I'm pretty sure that look went out of style somewhere after FDR went out of office. 

You kind of knew the date was complete shit because he was rambling the entire time and she was just sitting there not smiling and no drinking her wine. She didn't even finish her glass of wine. I guess she didn't want to get hopped up and make some bad decisions and I think the jacket was to blame. Ladies, would you sleep with a dude who wears a brown corduroy jacket? 

Kid on a Leash

We have all seen this nonsense, whether it is at Disney, 6 Flags, the supermarket, or just roaming around the streets. Little kids attached to a leash like a fucking dog. A parent who resorts to this basically says, I have no idea how to be a parent. If you train a dog well enough it will never leave your side when you take it out. You're telling me you can't keep a child from just taking off and sprinting around streets, malls or whatever. Come on.

If you put your kid on a leash, or even thought about doing this do us all a favor and don't have anymore kids. In fact, put the kids you currently have up for adoption. There is no shame, face it, some people are not meant to be parents. You see it everyday and its probably the demise of our society. People should take a test in their mid-teens thats consist of common sense questions and if you do not reach a minimum score, you are permanently neutered. All of the worlds problems will be solved.

Pets on a leash, not kids. Support the movement!

Asshole Of The Day Award

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2011/10/man-who-climbed-into-hollow-tree-rescued-after-getting-stuck.html

 

What goes through the mind of the person who says, "I'm gonna try and fit my body into the hole in that tree." You're a grown man, you're not six years old. Chances are that you're not fitting into the hole in that tree, which you did not. Think about how ridiculous it sounds when you tell someone that as a grown man you actually got stuck in a tree. You got stuck and started screaming like a little bitch for help. If I was the authorities I would've left your ass there and told you to find a way out. One thing I really don't have time for is stupidity and if you wanna get stuck in a tree, you're finding your own way out. Here's your t-shirt asshole, wear it the next time you think climbing into a tree is a good idea. That way everyone knows you just do shit like this for fun. 

You Know You're A Redneck When...

 

You know you're a redneck when you devise a scheme to launch your son into the ceiling fan in the living room. I mean why were two grown men trying to pull out the mini blob from the movie Heavyweights? Your kid isn't supposed to be your real life version of Buzz Lightyear. Especially while he's flying head first into a ceiling fan. Just parenting at its finest. I'm pretty sure when Mom and Grandma see this they're never leaving the children home with you two again. 

Walmart Shopper Wednesday's

 

You can't honestly sit there and say that this isn't the greatest hair style of all time. Well, actually, you can say that but for Walmart, this is the greatest hair style you will ever see. I mean this haircut is totally by her choice alone and no one else's. What's better than the haircut? Her giant FUPA at the bottom. What I'm more surprised about is her skinny arms. Usually with a FUPA your arms would be the size of two Christmas hams, but hers are not. She must workout. Or her workout is keeping that head groomed. After all, she does have to keep that front shined and nice while the back stays beautiful and wavy. It's a full time commitment to excellence.

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Bacon Cheeseburger and a bag of kettle cooked potato chips

Late Night Movie: Euro Trip

Late Night Song: Paul Revere by Beastie Boys

Fun Fact: Women who exercise have better clitoral blood flow and higher sexual satisfaction than women who don't exercise...You ladies who are having bad sex better hit the gym.

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She Looks Like A Yeller...

 

Does anyone else have the ability to guess with like 90% accuracy how a certain girls are in bed? I don't really mean if she's good or not, I'm talking about something that is often overlooked. I am talking about if you can tell if she's a yeller or not. Usually yellers are self explanatory, but you need to get to know them a little bit before you decide whether they're a yeller, or whether they're tame. Well, not really tame, if they're tame they're duller than a piece of cardboard. 

So, how can you tell? It's all about the personality. First of all, most yellers are good looking and cool. There's a difference. Good looking and not cool means the girl is a complete bitch. Good looking and cool spells out freak. Why? Because in order to be a freak, you have to have an awesome personality. They like to drink, they like to dance, they're down for whatever. That's a freak. Not good looking and cool is just your run of the mill girl. Barring beer goggle laser surgery, you're probably not trying to figure out whether an ugly chick is a freak. 

What do freaks do? Most freaks are yellers. Who doesn't love a yeller? You can identify freak right away, you can't identify yeller right away. Once you know the personality a little bit more, then you can determine yeller. After a while, she's gonna either seem like just a freak, or a freak and a yeller. Yellers are cool as long as they're not like crazy yellers. Like yelling at a dude to punch you in the face is a little too intense for me. But keep an eye out fella's, when you're bored and talking to a girl you can probably figure shit like this out. But if you have a blog you can't write about it, I copyrighted this shit. 

The Slip Up

 

Let's paint a little picture. You go out, meet a girl at the bar, she asks you to go back to her place and then suddenly it hits you. You don't have a condom. You're asking your friends before you leave if they have one and no one can help you out. It seems as though you are pretty much fucked unless this chick just really doesn't care. But you're gonna go back anyway and figure something out. 

The whole way back you're trying to figure out what to do and you can't think of anything. Now it comes down to you devising a scheme to get it in tonight remembering that protection is the woman's responsibility. Once you get into her bedroom and you're ready to get down to business, you remember the slip up. It's the most fail proof plan to having unprotected sex that there is. 

How does it work? You both rip each other's clothes off and are seemingly ready to get down to business. Here's how the slip up works. You start kissing her down around her waist and start working your way up. When you get to the top and kiss her lips you simply slip it up and in. If you don't know what I'm talking about you basically just slide your body up and slip your dick in. There are no questions asked, she doesn't even know what hit her, she just knows she is now having sex, and has no problem with it. 

It's not the recommended move, but if you're drunk having sex with a condom is impossible. Also, protection is the woman's responsibility, if she doesn't ask, it's on her. I'm not saying go around raw dogging every girl you meet, I'm just saying this is used in extreme circumstances. These extreme circumstances are then followed by a doctor visit just to make sure you didn't catch anything. Then as long as you remembered to pull out and there are no children on the way, the slip up was a success. 

Jimbo Slice's Tweet Of The Day

The Sweetest Bitch Youll Ever Meet Still Exists?

The Person...

- Sammi Jersey Shore (@MTVSammi)

The Tweet...

- Yes I am no longer in a relationship. Let's all move foward plz

The Reaction...

- This show is like the deeply loved family dog that is getting so old and sick that is pissing and shitting all over the house because it has really bad bladder problems but the family cant bring themselves to shoot the thing in the fucking head to put it out of its misery. This show is just down right bad now, I haven’t watched since the 3rd episode, its time for some new blood if they’re really gonna keep this going... the fact that these 2 morons (Ronnie and Sam) even got back together makes me not want to watch this season even more, I fucking hate the two of them... i believe there is one more season of this shit but I really hope someone takes jersey shore out back and puts one in between the eyes

Asshole Of The Day Award

http://www.nwfdailynews.com/articles/flood-44555-shalimar-toliet.html

 

So you get arrested for trespassing and put in a holding cell. What are your next thoughts? If you're this guy your next thoughts are, "Let's dig myself a bigger hole and try to flood this holding cell toilet." Surprisingly, he failed. Then he got moved to another cell and ripped the thermostat off the wall. You're the fucking man! If flooding toilets and ripping thermostats off the wall doesn't let everyone know you're a bad ass then I don't know what does. If you actually go to prison your ass is gonna be getting pounded worse than a porn star in an all anal sequel. Here's your t-shirt tough guy, I think it's time to reevaluate your life. 

If You Can't Take The Heat...

 

If you can't take the heat stay out of the warehouse my man. This guy in the corner is hanging out in la la land with his ladder not paying attention and then gets laid out by the biggest carpet roll I've ever seen. It looked like they tripled the size of one of those american gladiator sticks and just stuck it on the end of that little cart. But in the end it's entirely your fault that you got laid out bro. You gotta keep your head on a swivel at all times, because when you don't, you look like a fool on camera. 

Things I Wish I Could Tell My Girlfriend

 

This Week:

4) You look fat in those jeans

Previous Weeks:

1) You should've seen this chick I banged last night

2) Bet your ass that when we break up I'm gonna try and bang all your hot friends

3) I slept with your best friend

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Tostitos with Queso dip

Late Night Movie: The Shining

Late Night Song: Make Some Noise by Beastie Boys

Fun Fact: Women place higher importance on looks than men do when looking for a casual sex partner...And they say they aren't shallow.

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