When you go out and try and hit on the bartender or waitress, how many times have you heard from them that they're taken? Hopefully not very often, because if you've heard this on numerous occasions this means you're either not the best looking tool in the shed, or you're creepy as fuck. What the fuck am I talking about?
As a bartender, women flirt with me for one reason and one reason only, and it's not because I'm a good looking mother fucker. Everyone knows that women want free drinks, so they flirt with guy bartenders to try and get them. However, the bartender plays this same game for tips. It's a two way street, everyone wants something. And that something isn't sex or anything physical to do with each other. But there are always horny, crazy fat chicks. And they're the worst kind to deal with.
I had a horny, crazy fat chick give me a ten dollar tip the other night. If you tip a bartender $10 you'll get something in return. Well, not really much it's usually a shitty shot of house liquor that doesn't cost anything, but it will still get you drunk. So I get her a shot of the shittiest tequila you've ever drank and she must've thought that meant I was hitting on her. No bitch, you threw me money, it was basically me saying thank you. Anyway, now she starts coming on to me and asks me why I haven't asked her for her number. Now, I don't ever use the phrase, "I have a girlfriend," because if I did, I would never make any money from females. Can we just think of how large and disgusting this chick had to be for me to say that I have a girlfriend? She was a mix between Stevie's wife in East Bound & Down and the fat guy Leboy who played the ukulele in Shallow Hal.
She then starts yelling at me to give her my number. I didn't want to get mean, but what I wanted to say was sweetheart, stay in your weight class. I'm a cool 190 pounds, your left ass cheek weighs about as much as my entire body, what interest would I have in you? She was like a fat black chick who wears a belly shirt and thinks she's hot as fuck. Plus, my girlfriend is 1000000% times hotter than you. I wouldn't fuck you with Magic Johnson's AIDS infested penis.
Fat chicks, I love you all, but you have to stay in your weight class. A featherweight isn't fighting up in the heavyweight division, and a heavyweight shouldn't be trying to fight down into the featherweight division either. You have to know your target, and what's plausible and what's not plausible. Set a realistic goal. You can't jump to the NBA straight from the eighth grade.
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