Late Night Menu: Chicken and Cheese Lean Pockets
Late Night Programming: NCAA Final Four
Late Night Song: Chicken Fried by Zack Brown Band
Fun Fact: The Mets season ends on Saturday
Late Night Video:
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Hot Girl Bracket 2012 Elite 8 Voting Finishes At Midnight Tonight
The votes are getting tight as we close our polls in less than twelve hours to see who moves on to the Final Four. If you want your girls to get through, you have to vote. If you're worried about signing up for an account to vote, it's free and takes about 3 minutes. I'm pretty sure if you have time to vote, you have 3 minutes to sign up. Just vote and get it done before midnight. Winners will be announced tomorrow after Sit On My Face Sunday's.
Drunk Story Saturday's: $43 Sushi & Saki Bombs
Drunk Story from Naomi (Brooklyn)
"There's a place in the east village in New York City that has $43 all you can eat sushi and unlimited saki bombs for two hours. Place is a shit show, like people walk out and just start puking on the sidewalk as soon as they walk out. So I go with 13 of my classmates and it's like the mullet of restaurants. You walk in and it looks super quiet and then you walk towards the back and people are like shooting nerf guns. Towards the last 15 minutes of the two hours we're just like screaming and slamming as many saki bombs as we could. Apparently I didn't realize how drunk I was until I walked outside. Somehow I blindly made it on to the subway and instead of going back to Brooklyn 20 minutes away I decide it'd be a good idea to surprise my boyfriend by taking the train to Westchester. Completely blackout buying my ticket and make it to the track. Get on the train and realize that the car is full so I walk through the cars and of course drop my wallet on the tracks. So now I'm wasted in 5 inch heels crying to the conductor that my wallet is on the tracks who directs me to this man to get a claw and grab my wallet. Me and this MTA worker start pacing the tracks trying to find my wallet. We finally see it and get it and he goes, "Let me help you on the rain you need to get on," because clearly I'm a sloppy mess. I get on the train and before we even get to the first stop I'm puking up $43 worth of sushi and saki in the train bathroom. The 14 year old boy next to me is just starting at me as I sit back down and bury my head in my hands. I make it to my boyfriend's, put on sweatpants and pass out on his couch watching sister act. Nothing like it. And as I'm sending this in I'm taking the longest walk of shame ever back to Brooklyn."
Yeah, Saki and Sushi never seem like a great combo but this is absolutely hilarious.
Friday, March 30, 2012
The Late Night Special
Late Night Menu: Twinkies
Late Night Programming: Deadliest Catch
Late Night Song: There Goes My Life By Kenny Chesney
Fun Fact: In Australia, Burger King is called Hungry Jack's...Not surprising at all.
Late Night Video:
Is This The Winner Of Tonight's Mega Millions?
Who's that handsome man in the red right there? That would be me, Daddy, buying my Mega Millions tickets yesterday. I just so happened to be posted on the front page of the Staten Island Advance with that good looking mug. The lady asked me what I'm gonna do if I win. I said what any normal human being would say. I'm moving to fucking Miami. Listen I know I have like a one in 200 million chance of winning, but you still gotta be in it to win it. All you need is a ticket to the dance to have a chance with the pretty girl. If I'm a millionaire by the end of tonight, you're gonna see people jumping on this site and my dick like monkey's jumping on trees. See you all tomorrow when I'm swimming in $600 million. Don't worry though, I won't forget where I came from, I'll still have this shitty blog.
Final Four Predictions
It's the final weekend in college basketball and the one everyone has been waiting for. It's Final Four weekend in New Orleans and I'm gonna give you my predictions for this weekend's games.
Louisville vs Kentucky: Kentucky won their meeting earlier this season at a 69-62 clip at the time when Louisville was ranked 4th in the country. There is no secret, Kentucky is the best team in this tournament and it's their tournament to lose. Louisville isn't a great team, they're just a very good team that's hot right now. However, Kentucky has six guys who are going to play in the NBA. That means they have a guy coming off the bench who's gonna play in the NBA. It's gonna be closer than people think, but Kentucky wins and moves on to the national championship Monday night.
Ohio State vs Kansas: Another rematch from an early season game in which Kansas won 78-67. However, Ohio State was playing that game without the man they call Jared Sullinger. Tyshawn Taylor has been playing lights out for Kansas who has been the best team that no one is talking about but I think with Sullinger back he'll be too much on the inside for them to handle. Plus the fact that Ohio State has three guys who can score. Ohio State moves to the title game.
National Championship: Kentucky vs Ohio State
In a game that features the two best big men in the country in Anthony Davis and Jared Sullinger we should expect a pretty good game. Ohio State has to capitalize on the emotional advantage they'll have just for the sheer fact that Kentucky had to play a rival in the semi finals. Even with that, it'll be close early but in the second half Kentucky runs and pulls away. They are the best team in the tournament and they finally prove it Monday night. Kentucky wins the national championship.
She's Done More Than You Think
So you met a girl who you're thinking is this sweet good girl virgin mary type of chick. You're telling all your friends how you met this girl who is nothing like these other girls that you've been with and that she's a good girl who hasn't been with that many people. But is she really?
What am I talking about? Well, that good girl might possibly be yanking your chain a little bit more than you think. If she hasn't been with that many people how come that first blow job was that awesome? Like you don't just learn to suck a mean dick overnight. That takes years of practice in order to suck a dick the right way. It's not a two week course, it's a four year education.
And then you finally have sex with her. She made you wait a couple of months for the sex like a good girl would but then you two had some of the best sex you both have ever had. What smoke is she blowing up your ass here? She might've only told you about a couple of guys, but for some reason you're thinking there's been a few more than a couple. She's just keeping it quiet.
It's like the American Pie rule of three. If a girl tells you how many dudes she's banged, multiply that number by three and that's the real number. It's as consistent as gravity. Or you could just do what I do. Don't even ask the question because you don't really wanna know the real number. Plus she probably doesn't wanna know your number either. It doesn't matter anyway, it's in the past. So as long as the both of you don't have any hidden STD's, you should be alright. Just don't let her fool you with that bogus number that's not even in the ballpark.
iPhone Mass Texts Should Be Banned Or They Should Just Find A Better Way To Do It...
This was not a topic on my mind to start the day but given the events of the last twenty minutes and me wanting to throw my phone out the fucking window I want to tell you that if you send out group texts using the iphone you are a complete asshole. Why? Because I don't know if you know this, but everyone receives every text from every individual conversation going on between the sender and everyone else and it's the dumbest thing on the planet.
For all the good that apple has done they really dropped the ball with this one. Like why do I need to get a text notification like the next text is for me when it's a question being asked by one of the people in the mass texts to whoever sent the mass text? Why is that of any interest to me whatsoever? It's not, so why the fuck am I being notified that I have a text?
Real time, I just picked up my phone to nine new text messages. Seven of them from numbers that I have no idea who the fuck they are, one from the mass text sender and then one from my girlfriend. The only one that has anything to do with me is from my girlfriend. The eight other texts are everyone else having a conversation about things that I don't even know or care about. This is like giving America the Swedish news channel. Why would we care? It has nothing to do with us. It's the same concept.
So if you do have an iPhone and you are thinking about sending a group text put that phone down and reconsider immediately. Also, if I happen to be on the other end of a group text from an iPhone I will come to you house and hit you in the shin with a baseball bat. That way you will be able to look at that bruise and know to never add me as part of a mass text ever again. I think I got it all out now, that is all. Have a nice Friday.
Hot Girl Bracket 2012 Elite 8 Voting Continues Through Tomorrow
Elite 8 voting continuing through tomorrow and right now a couple of one seeds are in trouble and the cinderella story of the tournament is still going strong and may possibly knock off another giant. Vote now to move your favorites to the Final Four.
Asshole Of The Day
Tell me that face doesn't have "I run a meth lab in a camper" written all over it. Well that is exactly what his face says since he was busted for running a meth lab inside of a camper. But wait, there's more. Hilariously, he just decided to put his camper in front of some random dudes yard without asking. Then that guy calls the cops, they show up to see what the fuck is going on, and then they find this dude taking a nap next to a bunch of meth. Just your typical day in Florida I guess. I mean dude how high were you that you just decided to put your camper on some dudes front lawn? This isn't like you were hiding something small in his bushes, you were hiding a fucking camper in the guys front yard. Obviously he's gonna notice that something's not right here. So with all that being said here is your t-shirt sir. Just go directly to jail, do not pass go and do not collect $200.
There's A Swift Kick To The Nuts
Now although it's cruel to do this to a guy who's just trying to perform some tricks on the street, he deserved every second of it. I'm not buying this whole look at me I'm the man act because I can balance a fucking bike on my face. See what happens to show off's bro. You get a swift kick to the nuts and to add insult to injury the bike lands on you like a ton of bricks. Sorry, I'm not sorry. You wanna be a big dog, this is what you get.
Defriendment Friday's
Goodbye...
Steve the Hammer
The Culprit: Leanne (last name removed)
Status that broke the camel's back: Happy Birthday to meeeeee
Reason for Defriendment: I mean could there possibly be a more obnoxious way to try and get attention from people on your birthday? Absolutely not, and that's all I needed to see. Bye, bye broad.
Steve the Hammer
The Culprit: Leanne (last name removed)
Status that broke the camel's back: Happy Birthday to meeeeee
Reason for Defriendment: I mean could there possibly be a more obnoxious way to try and get attention from people on your birthday? Absolutely not, and that's all I needed to see. Bye, bye broad.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
The Late Night Special
Late Night Menu: Strawberry and Banana Shake
Late Night Programming: Impractical Jokers
Late Night Song: Waiting On A Woman by Brad Paisley
Fun Fact: If Walmart was classified as a country it would be the 24th most productive country in the world...Oh my the jokes we would have if Walmart was a country.
Late Night Video:
Don't Try This At Home...
Hey, there's a wall there; somebody should move it. Not exactly the safest way to play with your six year old, but maybe that's just me. This kid thought everything was all hunky dory and then he got a face full of fucking wall. I will give him some credit though, kids a trooper. Not even crying just bouncing back up with a smile on his face like he landed on a cloud of cotton candy. I will say one thing though, mom and big brother definitely had to run to the bathroom and wipe the shit out of their pants after this one was over.
What Do You Get As A Gift?
Whenever Valentines day or Christmas roles around almost 50% of all twitter trends are people panicking about what to get their sweetie-poo as a gift. And most of the time the answer is simple: If you’re a guy-jewelry, flowers, or a nice pair of shoes. If you’re a girl- lingerie. Yes these are generalizations but you get the idea. But what happens when you just started dating the person? You go out, have a nice time together, friend each other on facebook and then BAM, one of you has a birthday coming up. If you’re a girl you can’t just start pulling out the sex kitten shit when you haven’t even kissed the dude yet. And guys you definitely don’t want to drop money on a chick that could turn out to be completely insane.
So for guys, I think you can get away pretty easy with cooking her a homemade dinner. It shows you're romantic without going overboard. And you won’t have to go to some big birthday party where you meet all her friends. We all know how awkward introducing someone you just met is: “Hey guys this is my…uh, friend, Dave…uh, shit don’t know his last name yet.”
But what if you’re a girl? There’s no jewelry equivalent for men other than a blow job or tie clips (which you have to be over 30 before you can start giving this as legitimate gift). The homemade dinner thing could be a possibility, unless you’re like me, in which case the most talented thing I can to in the kitchen is make cereal in high heels. The whole “voucher for a free back rub” is stupid too. It says I’m lazy and cheap but care about you just enough to make a little card. So for guys, I’m gonna say take him to the movies to see something with lots of action and sex. It will almost make up for the fact that he’s not getting any. Almost.
High School Girl Banned From Graduation For Posting Facebook Picture Of Her In A Bikini
Are we kidding with this? A fucking girl is being banned by her high school from the graduation commencement ceremony because of a facebook picture of her in a bikini. If that was the case at my high school we would've graduated with about four girls at the ceremony. Lighten up with this catholic school bullshit. You have priests running around raping little boys and catholic school teachers giving fellatio to sophomores in high school, yet a girl takes a picture of herself in a bikini and now she's banned from her high school graduation. It's not like she was gargling some dudes jizz or playing with herself, she was just taking a picture in a fucking bikini. I mean honestly, can anyone take America seriously anymore? Do you know how ridiculous this is? Lighten the fuck up and let kids lives outside of school be their lives outside of school. On a lighter note I would love to get my hands on that picture because if she was hot I have no problem with it. If she was like overweight and in a bikini then I would definitely be banning her from the graduation. But until I see the picture, this is just a ridiculous concept and catholic schools thinking they can control the shit that goes on outside their walls. Suck a dick and go pray somewhere.
He Would Pay To Watch Her Do It Again
Let's talk for real here. I have this friend who was talking about the best blowjob that he's ever gotten. Yes, as men we do talk about these things just like you ladies talk about the biggest dick you've ever seen. It's as consistent as gravity, we remember the great bj's just as you remember the huge dicks. It's a two way street.
Now, as the rest of us sat there and pondered and couldn't come up with an answer, my one friend knew exactly who the girl was, who she was related to, where he was, how it happened and stated that he would pay money to watch her suck dick again. Not even pay money to watch her suck his dick, just pay money to watch her suck anyone's dick. Now that's a bold statement right there.
You don't hear a statement like that ever. Usually you hear something like, "I would definitely let her suck my dick again." You never hear, "I would just pay money to watch her suck dick." It had to be porn star type of fellatio to make a statement like this. Why? Because there's only so much a girl could do with her mouth and your penis. Usually girls have a DSR (Dick Sucking Routine) that they use on every guy and you can get tired of it after awhile. Not tired of her sucking your dick, just tired of the routine. For a guy to say he would just let her go to town on his dick using the same routine over and over again is really saying something. This must be a routine that one would call The Perfect Ten.
Let's face it, a proper blowjob is at the top of the list of best things on the face of the earth. You think if Monica Lewinsky gave Bill Clinton The Perfect Ten that he would've been impeached? No, he would've either kept his mouth shut or passed her on to all his administrators. When the blowjob is mediocre no one cares. Spectacular blowjobs entail a guy paying to watch you do it again. And when you learn how to do this ladies you are the few and the proud. Not the marines, but you are the veteran blowjob givers.
One Killed And Seven More Injured Over Argument After Party Runs Out Of Beer...Oh I Almost Forgot, It Was A Kid's Party
Just your run of the mill children's birthday party. Kids, adults, birthday cake, presents and of course drinking like David Hasselhoff in his prime. There's only one problem with that, they ran out of beer, a fight ensued, four people were shot, two were stabbed and another two were beaten as the party was still taking place. I guess no one could decide who was going on the beer run. I mean it's just beer everyone, it's not the end of the world. I'm gonna guess you were all drunk enough to start fighting over who was going on the beer run, so I'm gonna assume you all had just enough to drink. And it's a kid's birthday party, what the fuck is wrong with you people. The only person to get drunk at a kid's birthday party is Kenny Powers, and only he can pull it off. Speaking of Kenny Powers, I'm assuming there was a speech during this whole birthday party fiasco that went a little something like this:
Things I Would Do For $500 Million
With the New York Mega Millions being up to $500 million I figured why not write a blog of the things I would do for that amount of money. This could get graphic and gross, but I guarantee you that all of you mother fuckers would do everything that I mention. So without further ado...
Things I Would Do For $500 Million:
Have sex with any of the following animals: Goat, monkey, lamb, dog and Sarah Jessica Parker
Drink a two liter bottle of horse semen
Give a colonoscopy to the guy from Man vs Food
Take one pump in the ass from Lexington Steele
Take a punch from Mike Tyson in his prime
Let Jerry Sandusky inappropriately touch me in the shower
Root for Tim Tebow
Laugh at Jay Leno's jokes
Go sparring with a grizzly bear
Eat cow testicles and love every second of it
Have sober sex with Brittany Griner
Say that cheerleading is a sport
Eat off of a porter potty
Get tazed in my nuts
Drink a double shot of vomit
Turn down a blowjob from Mila Kunis
Kick a baby in the face
Go streaking on the track during a Nascar race
Drink the whole bottle of hot sauce form Halal Guys
Drink ex lax and try to eat an entire pizza
Go swimming with sharks
Make a deal that I will never see the Mets win a world series (not that I will anyway)
Get a rusty trombone from Ellen Degeneres
Drink a cup of Aretha Franklin's sweat
Make out with a dude, any dude, it's not gay if it's for $500 million
Block a slap shot with my face from Zdeno Chara
Eat a little cup of yellow snow like it was a lemon ice
Eat some squirrels with Larry The Cable Guy
Bite the head off a live fish
Punch Brandi from Storage Wars right in the face
Bang Snooki at her fattest
Bang Deena from Jersey Shore (she is currently at her fattest)
Hang out with the Situation and pretend he's intelligent
Apologize to Lindsey Lohan for all my alcoholic, drug addict, crack whore remarks
Fight the Dos Equis guy
Take a round house kick to the face from Chuck Norris
And finally...
Let Holly Mangold sit on my face, sweaty and all right after a weight lifting competition
2012 Hot Girl Bracket Elite 8 Voting Continues
Keep the votes coming as we have some upsets brewing early on in the Elite 8 round right now. Voting continues through Saturday so choose who you want to advance to the Final Four. Spoiler Alert: Our number one seeds are currently in trouble.
Asshole Of The Day Award
This fifteen year old kid who got to slay this teacher must be a stud because quite honestly, this chick isn't bad looking at all. Plus she's only like 25, so she's young and hot. Now, on the other hand inviting a 15 year old to your apartment and having your way with him is just not the smartest way to go about it. Like if you're performing fellatio on him at the school, it's not as obvious. But when he's lying to mom and dad about going to Jimmy's house when he's really coming to your place, you're just a jackass and you're gonna get caught. You could get almost any guy you want hun, and you choose the 15 year old who can't even think for himself yet. You deserve every ounce of punishment you get when you get sentenced. Here's you t-shirt, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.
Down Goes Frazier...Twice
Dude's just running some track and trying to get his hurdle on when he just totally eats shit into this giant puddle of water. Then his buddy comes in behind him and also eats shit, but also happens to land on this guy who then lays there crawling away like his legs just got run over by a mack truck. The only thing worse than fucking up like this is fucking up like this into what is pretty much a man made lake. Now you're just adding insult to injury and you're walking around in wet socks the rest of the day. Sucks to suck.
Party Song Of The Weekend Brought To You By DJ Nicky Bentz
Live Your by Eric Marillo and some other people. I know I say it every week, but I'm out of shit to say about our party song. So this week live your life and go get fucking rowdy somewhere. Just make sure you're getting to the gym because summer is knocking on your door and you wanna look good naked when you finally come let it in.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
The Late Night Special
Late Night Menu: Special K Blueberry Cereal Bar (Time to get in shape for summer)
Late Night Programming: Duck Dynasty
Late Night Song: Good To Be Me by Uncle Kracker
Fun Fact: Smelling bananas and/or green apples can help you lose weight...Not sure if I agree with this but maybe I should try it.
Late Night Video:
Can A Woman Use A Guy For Sex?
I'm not gonna say that women who say that men only use them for sex isn't completely true, it is. But what I am going to say is that women act like they don't do the same exact thing a lot of the time. What am I talking about? Ladies, have you ever just wanted to have sex with a guy? I'm sure you have, and that is why you're all not as innocent as you think.
Hey, men can be the victim too sometimes. It's almost like reverse racism. There are plenty of women out there who have and still do use guys just for the sex. Now no guy is going to complain about being used for his dick. But don't sit there like you're all the damsel in distress while you're just using this guy so you can get piped out on a Friday night at 3am.
You're telling me that when you're horny and you see that drunk guy you've always wanted to fuck that you're not gonna throw yourself at him just to say you had sex with him? That's a lie, you'll throw yourself at him in a heartbeat. Maybe even give him a ride back to his place and say you want to come upstairs and see the place. In laymen's terms that just means, "I'm trying to get fucked".
Women do shit like this all the time. You're no different from us men other than the simple fact that you have a vagina and a pair of tits. You're just a mother lioness hopping on a little baby boy gazelle. And we're not complaining about it one bit. Just don't make it like you don't do the same shit we do. There's no double standard here, it goes both ways. Stop complaining about how we use you for sex when you do the same thing to us. Except you have the potential to use us for sex, money and a place to stay; where we only use you for straight up sex.
Bohemian Rhapsody In Back Of A Police Car? Yup
I know the video's long but bear with me a little bit here. I mean it's a fucking drunk guy singing Bohemian Rhapsody in the back of a police car. How is that not funny? I mean this dude wants to talk for the first three minutes about how he's not hurting anyone and then he break out into this song. Classic drunk guy thing to do. But if you saw him on the street you would expect him to be holding a cup that says, "I need money" or a sign that says, "The end is near." Meaning simply, he has the look of a drunk homeless guy and that makes this hilarious.
The Stubborn Relationship
Nothing like watching a couple where both the guy and the girl are equally stubborn. Looking from the outside you yourself know who's gonna win the up and coming bickering and who's gonna end up the loser. But the best part about it is that both of them think they're gonna win, and when the winner is revealed, the loser is always incredibly pissed off.
I'm with my buddy and his girlfriend the other night and he asks her to get something without telling her where it was. He then yells upstairs that he has to tell her where it is or she's not gonna find it. She says that she'll find it without a problem and he is convinced that she has no chance in hell of finding this thing and it's never gonna happen.
She then comes back down the stairs with the DVD he swore she wasn't gonna find and he says that this DVD is definitely not the right one. So we go to the DVD player to find out who's correct. All the while she is sitting there telling him he's wrong and he's telling her she's wrong. Turns out, he's wrong and she's right. He can't believe it and she's just sitting there giving him the I told you so.
The best part about watching these battles is when it's over the loser always comes up with a big explanation on why they thought they were right. You were wrong, just move on. Next time just bet like road head or something and if you win, it's a big win, and if you lose it's probably not that bad. Stubborness in a relationship, the greatest show on earth.
I Actually Should've Been A Therapist
Yeah, that' right I said it I missed my calling in life. I should've just been a fucking therapist. Why? Because the way I can break down people's situations in their life has got to be some sort of gift. Not that I'm blowing smoke up my own ass, but I'm blowing smoke up my own ass. I can bring people to tears with the way I analyze their shit.
Let's take for instance last weekend. I was able to break down a relationship that just so happened to be in the area that people would call, the grey area. What is this area? This is the area where people who were together for a long time have broken up, yet they still speak to each other. One hopes that there is a chance they will get back together (usually the female), while the other person just keeps them around because it's guaranteed sex (usually the male). This is what it means in logical terms.
In non logical terms it means "it's complicated". I tried to explain how there was absolutely nothing complicated about this situation. You might have hooked up with a few other people, but he's been slaying hoes since the day he said, "I need a break but I still wanna be friends." You've been hesitant to even kiss a guy because you think every day is the day your ex decides he's gonna magically get back with you. It's no secret here, you're there because you're an easy piece of ass.
While explaining this I had noticed that I had brought this poor girl to tears. It wasn't intentional, but I had been drinking and I just wanted to explain exactly how it was from a guys point of view. And that is exactly what is was and what it is in every relationship. Either cut the chord and move on, or just get back together. There's no other way. You know why? Because you're not friends, you're just fuck buddies.
2012 Hot Girl Bracket Elite 8 Voting Begins Right Now
Polls are open right now and the voting for the Elite 8 is underway. The match ups are tough and the choices are brutal but this is where legends are made. Remember, go with your dick head, not with your gut. Go to Predict It! at the top and start casting your votes for the round of 8. Voting goes through Saturday.
Asshole Of The Day
Lost in the woods and looking for somewhere to pee? Just call 911 and they'll come find you and help you out. Unless your idea of lost is being high on meth and standing on your front lawn with a cooler of beer and a handgun. Sounds like a normal day in Florida to me. Which brings us to our next topic. Kids, don't do drugs. Here's your t-shirt, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.
Sweet Moves Bro
Yes, I know the video quality is in the lowest type of definition it could possibly be in but you can still see what's going on. Anyway, if you're trying to dance at a bar or party or anything else, don't do what this guy does. I have no idea what he is actually doing, but he looks like a mix of a someone having a seizure and someone who's drank way too much. If dancing like this gets you laid, she's fat or doesn't have eyesight. It's one of the two.
Walmart Shopper Wednesday's
First of all, let me apologize for yesterday as I was experiencing some network issues and really couldn't figure out what the fuck the problem was. Now let's move on to this giant asshole. If that's supposed to me him giving everyone behind him the middle finger than it's safe to say I think he has failed miserably. It looks like an upside down three leaf clover that some guy with parkinsons buzzed into your head. And sweet head strap. I mean you took it upon yourself to decide that the chin strap was going out of style and you just put one on the back of your head instead. Well done sir, well done. Only at Walmart.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Date Night
So there's a guy taking a girl out for the first time. They are standing outside of a place with absolutely no one in it. The girl says, "Are you sure, I mean no one's in there." He responds with, "Yeah I swear the food's awesome." Keep in mind that he mentioned the food. She finally agrees and they go in.
As they're walking in, the guy walks in behind her and looks at the owner who's sitting at the first table and gives a cheesy smile and a thumbs up. He was giving the thumbs up as saying that he's just amped to watch the Knicks game. He finds his table and has the one he wants. The perfect table where he can look right passed her and watch the Knicks game.
Now, remember how he talked about the food? They didn't even order food. Just dirty martini's. Now as I'm standing there observing this I notice he keeps looking up. At first I'm thinking what the fuck is he looking at and then as he looks back at her and utters, "Sorry, what'd you say?" I notice that he's watching the game.
She then goes to the bathroom and I start talking to him and he goes, "Yeah, bro I mean hopefully I'll be staying the night around the corner you know what I'm saying?" And I'm just like yeah whatever this guy says. She was annoying as fuck though and about as dumb as a box of dryer sheets. Finally when they leave, five minutes later I see the big guy walking by himself the total other way back passed the bar. He just stopped and looked at the bar and just shook his head. Looks like those dirty martini's didn't do the trick bro namath. Go get 'em next time.
Asshole Of The Day
So, this guy got arrested for A) Eating drugs in public, B) Exposing himself in public, or C) A combination of both A and B? If you guessed C then come on down my friends because you are correct. What are you doing bro? Just getting ass naked and eating some weed in a public park. Sounds like a run of the mill Monday to me. Here's your t-shirt Yogi Bear, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.
To Toss or Not To Toss?
I’ve been getting a lot of messages from people saying they
want to read more of the dirty dirty.
Just straight up asking me to write about all the naughty things they want to know but are afraid to ask their friends about. Well as your sex guru I’m here to say
you people are all secretly freaks and need to start talking to each other because chances are someone else out there likes to do the same crazy shit
you’re in to (Unless it involves stuffed animals, in that case keep it to
yourself). But in the spirit of
getting raunchy I figured I’d talk about something that even scares me a
little: Tossing Salad.
For those of you that don’t know /don’t have access to urban dictionary, tossing salad means eating out someone’s asshole. Now if you’re looking for advice on how to do this stop reading here because I would personally rather lick a guy’s armpit after the gym than put my tongue anywhere past his butt dimples. What I am interested in is: when is it ok to do this in a relationship?
I mean think about it, for everyone in a long-term relationship you know you have to keep up-ing the sex ante. You can’t just expect different angle hand jobs and finger tricks are going to cut it for years on end. You have to keep making it creative. But eventually, you’re going to run out
of positions and sex toys. And the
progression of sex always goes south.
You go from lips to boobs to happy place. What’s the only uncharted area left? Your asshole. So at what point do you start doing this with your significant other?
I know a lot of people get freaky in their golden days but then you gotta think do you really want to be licking 80 yr old butthole? My guess is
no, so it has to come up earlier. Someone
I know said after two years you’ve been together long enough that you should feel comfortable doing this.
Anyone out there reaching the two year mark? You might want to start re-thinking the relationship. Either that or let me know how that anniversary dinner conversation went.
Ok so for real though, from a girl’s perspective this is a scary topic. We get nervous when you see us with the lights on so imagine what it’s like to battle that monster of self-confidence. Not to mention we have to compete with all the perfectly bleached assholes of porn stars out
there. So guys if you really want
to do this with a girl, take it slow like you’re trying to convince her you don’t mind seeing her without make-up in the morning. It may not be a pretty sight but it will bring the two of
you closer together. Or if you want her to do it to you….eh a long shower and jewelry is always a good place to start.
Tuesday: Things I Wish I Could Tell My Girlfriend
This Week:
26) There's a good chance of me being able to have sex with someone other than you this weekend
Previous Weeks:
1) You should've seen this chick I banged last night
2) Bet your ass that when we break up I'm gonna try and bang all your hot friends
3) I slept with your best friend
4) You look fat in those jeans
5) I've had better
6) All your guy friends are trying to nail you
7) You've gained a few pounds
8) I can't believe you let me go raw right away
9) Your sister is hotter than you
10) Let's have a threesome with your Mom because she didn't mind having sex with me yesterday
11) I totally forgot to pull out last night
12) The number of girls I've had sex with is about three times more than you think it is
13) You're not that hot
14) Your best friend is the biggest bitch I know
15) He calls you because he wants to bang you
16) I would go to jail to bang your brother's 16 year old girlfriend
17) You shouldn't be wearing that slutty outfit when I'm not around
18) I'm a great wing man
19) You give sub par head
20) How come I never actually get anything out of Valentine's Day?
21) Who wouldn't want to have sex with me?
22) Your performance in bed last night was not the usual
23) I can read you like a book
24) I get a hall pass this weekend right?
25) My dick is like a ten foot strand of fly tape, whenever I walk into a room vaginas just stick to it
Monday, March 26, 2012
The Late Night Special
Late Night Menu: Chicken Tenders
Late Night Programming: Friends
Late Night Song: Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind
Fun Fact: The creator of the Nike SWOOSH symbol was only paid $35 for the design...Jordan you cheap fuck.
Late Night Video:
Who Wants To Step In The Ring With These Two Crazy Fucks?
Shout out to big Frank for sending this one in. What the fuck just happened here? Did anyone win? Like we got flying jump kicks, dudes flying out of the ring, people not even involved in the fight hitting mother fuckers with chairs and the best part, the ref just doesn't do a thing to stop any of the mayhem. Why is he even there? I mean really, he serves no purpose. Just a crazy, psychotic Taiwanese fight to the death right here and I'm loving it. Fuck boxing, fuck MMA, bring me some of this shit. Not to mention that the name of the place is called Reggae Discoteca. Who doesn't wanna go to this place, get fucked up and watch Taiwanese dudes battle until they die? I know I fucking do.
Are The Marlins Running A Baseball Franchise Or A Gay Night Club?
So I have a serious question for everyone and I don't mean this in a derogatory way, but are the Miami Marlins running a baseball franchise or a gay night club? First of all, those hats and uniforms are hideous. Second of all, this video is their new home run feature. What the fuck is this. It's like pink and blue and sprouts out a rainbow at the end. Also, it lasts fucking 49 seconds. Jose Reyes has already finished running around the bases at the 15 second mark. If Reyes and Hanley go back to back they'll both be able to run around the bases before this thing finishes going off once. The Marlins franchise is turning Miami into a circus. Or just Grand Theft Auto III. Either way, baseball franchise or gay night club? You decide.
How Much Meat Is Okay For One Serving?
After witnessing events from the other night I just felt like I needed to ask this question to all you people out there. First let me explain the situation. Little scrawny skinny guy is talking to these two fat chicks. He then proceeds to bring them to his car. His car is extremely tiny. You probably couldn't fit these two girls in a stretch limo let alone a tiny ass nissan thing. It was pure comedy to watch actually.
So it brought me to the question, how much meat is okay for one serving? Like one fat chick isn't enough for you bro? Like you're about to go sumo wrestling with two tons of fun, this can't possibly be something that's on your bucket list. Who does shit like this? Like if you want to go harpooning for some fat poon tang one night, than that's all well and good, but if you're trying to bag two cattle and bring them home with you; you're just asking for death by suffocation.
I mean honestly, that's just way too much meat for one serving. Sure, everyone loves a fatty once in a blue moon. But you can't be going all crazy and getting addicted to fat chicks. It's one of the worse addictions out there, and being that guy who's always carrying his harpoon on his back is no way to go through life and get labeled. I'm not writing this for me, I'm writing this for you. It's time to stop drinking the hallucinogen and get your eyesight right. It's never good to have too much meat for one serving.
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