The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Hot Roast Beef and Cheese with Cheese Fries and a Sprite

Late Night Movie: Troy

Late Night Song: Rack City by Tyga

Fun Fact: A nymphomaniac is a woman who cannot experience any sexual satisfaction regardless of the number of partners or orgasms she has...That just sounds like a whole lot of headache. 

Late Night Video:

                                          

Girls Can Get Into Girls, But...

 

When women get fucked over so many times by assholes, their first reaction is to go after nerds who they will have wrapped around their finger. But when the nerd search doesn't work out, what happens next? Well, you all know where this is going; they just decide to get into girls. And this is something that only girls can do. 

See when girls decide that they're going to make the switch from penis to vagina, that is a full fledged choice. That is not a, "I was confused and didn't know I was into girls." No, that is a firm, "I just want to go down and lick some vagina now." But this is just another difference that we see between men and women. 

Why is this a difference? Because when men have been fucked over by girls, they just become bigger assholes. Guys can't just say, "Oh yeah, I wanna suck some dick now." That is a firm decision that you are out of the pussy game forever. Girls can switch to girls and not be considered gay. If a guy switches to guys (which I have no idea what would make a straight guy do that), he is full on gay. 

So why is it that a woman can lick a vagina and not be considered gay, but a man can decide to suck some dick and he's a full on gay guy all of a sudden? It's very simple. A wise man once said, "You could build a thousand bridges in your life and never be known as a bridge builder. But if you suck one cock, you're a cock sucker for life." If that quote doesn't explain everything right there, then you just won't get it. 

Sidenote: I don't have anything against gay people. This is just for fun and for laughs. Don't take it personally. I have gay friends too and they're cool with the shit I say because they know it's a joke. Don't take shit so seriously. 

A Win Is A Win...

 

Women always want to talk about how guys don't have any standards and how we'll have sex with pretty much anything that comes our way. Now although this may be true, women just don't seem to understand the reasons why. You have to look at this as a game, and once you realize that each and every night is a game, you will realize that a win is a win...No matter how you get it. 

When you look at having sex as a game you begin to see that it sets up a little bit like building a schedule. You'll look to play some games against the really good teams (the hot women), and then you have to set up some gimme games against some really bad teams (the not so hot women). But no matter who you're playing against, you're always playing to win. 

So let's take you through going out one night and building a schedule. You start off by looking for a really hot girl. Let's say you set the bar at a 9. After you're told to fuck off by a few of these 9's, you lower the standards. Basically, you're starting with the really good teams, and if they don't want to play you, you move down to the lower echelon of teams. You could be trying to bang a 3 by the end of the night, but you're still trying to win the game.

Winning the game is banging these chicks. Whether you bang a 3 or a 9, a win is a win. It doesn't matter if it was pretty, it doesn't matter if it was ugly, it doesn't even matter if you lasted for ten seconds or sixty minutes. You still got your dick wet, you still won the game. Long story short, a win is a win. And any guy is happy with going home with a W. 

Super Bowl Media Day In Less Than 30 Minutes...

 

The best part of Super Bowl week other than the actual game is obviously Super Bowl Media Day. At noon today it is probably going to be a fun one with guys like Gronk, the biggest meathead in the league, and other clowns like Antrelle Rolle and Brandon Jacobs. I'm actually looking forward to seeing what these guys have to say today. So I ask you, who are you looking most forward to hearing speak to the media. Is it Gronk? Is it Wilfork? Is it Jacobs? Or is it someone completely different? Comment, email, anything you want, just give me some thoughts. For me personally, I just want to listen to Gronk talk all day every day. Guy is such a meathead it's hilarious. Let's see what media day brings up in about 20 minutes. 

Another Johnny Baseball Top Ten List

Back at it folks, today we will examine the Top Ten Uses/Situations for the IPhone and or Android. We'll start it off light and then go into the guilty pleasures that everyone has.

10. E-Mail - I sound like a corporate techno dick, but it's true.  E-Mail for these phones is solid.  Especially if you are in college, you get all your updates and stuff right to your phone. Pretty clutch.

9. The Cameras - You could shoot a porno on these things and make some cash for yourself if you wanted to. Incredible pictures of your drunk friends puking and making fools of themselves, gotta love it.

8. The Apps- All kinds of cool stuff here.  From weight watcher apps, to fantasy sports apps, to games, everything and anything you could possibly want, all in your hand.

 7. Social Media - It is great to have your Twitter and Facebook all linked up so you can use it on your Iphone.  Gives you the oppoortunity to post drunk pictures of your friends and also turn into a sports reporter when the Jets, Giants, Yankees, and Knicks play.

6.  Pure Boredom - If you're bored, just whip out your IPhone/Smartphone/Android, you have games, the internet, and it's like being on a computer.

5. During A Blackout - Make sure it's charged, but again, for the same reasons as number 9, play some games, go on the internet, it's clutch. Sorta like Lebron in the first 3 quaters.

4. Getting Nudies From Girls - Yeah we all know, girls are stupid and will never learn not to send boys naked pics or sexy pics of them in their bra and panties and full frontal tits. Here's where number 9 comes into play.  The camera makes these pictures that much better.  These aren't Uncle Tommy's nudie pics, these are high quality, top of the line pictures. 

And The Top 3 reasons to have an Iphone, Android or any other smart phone are....

3. Masturbation- Let's say for arguments sake you have surgery, and can't get yourself in front of a computer, porn sites are great on these phones.  Also, let's say your computer's down and you have no access to the internet, and it's been a while. Lord knows you are pounding the flounder the first chance you get and these phones are a simple, yet sadistic way to do so.

2. While Taking A Shit - Let's be honest here, I bring my Iphone on the shitter 100% of the time. Why not? It makes the time go by faster with all of the games and apps. Time to keep up with technology here, this ain't your fathers shitter anymore folks! No newspaper needed.

THE NUMBER ONE REASON:

To Prove People Wrong and Win Arguments - You have all been in this situation before.  You are in a heated debate with a friend about anything, sports, actors, movies, television shows, history, anything.  One friend tries to tell you Tony Romo is better than Eli Manning, UNTIL you pull out the stats.  One friend insists that the kill count for Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando is 98, but you know it's 102. One friend tells you Communism is a form of government when you know for certian it is an economic system.  And the key to go to the phone are the words yeah well "GOOGLE IT YOU HAVE A PHONE THAT CAN." Epic bets and wagers can be placed on these arguements.  This is one of the primary reason I have purchased the IPhone.

If You Don't Know, Now You Know

 

This is Let It Go by E-Hos and Patrick Donovan. Didn't hear about them until last night very late, but once I did hear I had to say that I really like what they have. Give this a listen immediately, you could be looking at the next big thing to hit the music world. Also, become a fan of their facebook page at:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/E-Hos-and-Patrick-Donovan/114974361917509

And follow them on twitter:

@EHos and @PatrickLDonovan

You heard it here first at Talk of the Town 

Asshole Of The Day Award

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2093976/Teacher-gave-male-students-vodka-sex-bed-watched.html 

Today is the Student-Teacher Sex Scandal Edition...

I know this is a 25 year old female teacher, but I still can't even imagine having sex with this woman. Which is why she gave him vodka and then had sex with him. See the things alcohol can do to a 17 year old? It makes him bang his 25 year old teacher who looks like Miss Piggy at a staggering 245lbs. Oh, there was also another kid there just watching. I can only wonder how much vodka you had to give that kid to watch. He probably threw up just from watching the nauseating scene, not from actually drinking too much. So as easy as it would be for me to give the Asshole of the Day Award to the teacher here, I am not only going to give it to the teacher, but to her two students as well. I am not even surprised anymore by these female teachers with no self esteem who bang their male students. I award all of you no points, and may god have mercy on your souls. 

We Call This Children Being Stupid...

 

The little guy over here thinks he's gonna make a great youtube video for all the right reasons with his run of the mill wedgie machine. Until suddenly BOOM! Little dude gets the chord cut like an old Spartan baby that used to get left for dead on top of a freezing mountain. Come on little bro, what are you trying to pull here? I mean did you really make your own wedgie machine? You can find a bully to do it in school with way less hassle and you probably won't bruise your ribs when you fall from the sky either. Just an absolutely piss poor choice of judgement on your part. Look on the bright side, after this video gets close to a million hits it'll probably be worth it. Nice job little dude. 

Tuesday: Things I Wish I Could Tell My Girlfriend

 

This Week:

18) I'm a great wing man

Previous Weeks:

1) You should've seen this chick I banged last night

2) Bet your ass that when we break up I'm gonna try and bang all your hot friends

3) I slept with your best friend

4) You look fat in those jeans

5) I've had better

6) All your guy friends are trying to nail you

7) You've gained a few pounds 

8) I can't believe you let me go raw right away

9) Your sister is hotter than you 

10) Let's have a threesome with your Mom because she didn't mind having sex with me yesterday

11) I totally forgot to pull out last night

12) The number of girls I've had sex with is about three times more than you think it is

13) You're not that hot

14) Your best friend is the biggest bitch I know 

15) He calls you because he wants to bang you

16) I would go to jail to bang your brother's 16 year old girlfriend

17) You shouldn't be wearing that slutty outfit when I'm not around

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu : A Turkey Club with bacon and cheese and a vanilla coke





Late Night Movie: Braveheart





Late Night Song: Love Interruption by Jack White








Late Night Video: Chappelle Shows Popcopy, a training video for all of its employees

You're Friend Has Shown You His Girl's Naked Pics...Before You Actually Meet Her

 

Ladies, here is some good advice. Just don't send out naked pictures of yourself to anyone. There is about a 99.999999% chance that the guy you're sending these pictures to will be showing and send these pictures to every single one of his friends. Why? Because that's what men do. We understand that sharing is caring. 

Now to move on to the real issue. I have a friend who gets women to send him naked pictures all the time. In turn, he then forwards these pictures to me. If your boy sends you naked pictures after you meet the girl, that's fine. The judgement has already been made on her. But when you've seen this girl naked and then you finally meet her you have no idea what to do. She has already been judged at this point. Why? Because you've seen her naked. 

When you meet this girl you are only thinking two things. One is, "Try not to laugh in her face," and two is, "Wow, you looked way better in the pictures you sent my friend." But what always happens is that you get tongue tied and you have no idea what to say. Her slide show of her pictures starts playing in your head and as you think about it you just wanna blurt out that you have seen her naked. 

What you don't do is say something like, "Oh, I've seen you before. You're the girl with the pictures." Thats probably the worst thing that you can do for you and your buddy. It's just that you need to approach it like you don't know what kind of nipples she has. Once you know that, you know whether she's a keeper or not. And in this case, she wasn't a keeper. 

She's Been Fucked Over By So Many Assholes That Now She's Only Into Nerds

 

Have you ever just sat there and stared at a couple for hours wondering how these two could have possibly gotten together? It's like how the fuck could a girl who's this hot be dating a guy who solves quadratic equations on a regular basis? Well, that's why I'm here everyone. So I can tell you exactly why something like this happens. 

With the exception of what we know as "Ugly Duckling Syndrome" where the women has suddenly gotten hot out of nowhere and has no idea, hot women know they're hot. I don't care how much they complain about how fat they are, and how much they complain that they can never get anyone, we know that they just do that shit for attention because they want guys to say nice things to them. But you're not bullshitting me hun, I know your little tricks. 

So how does something like this come about? Well, the hot girl who knows she's hot has most likely only fucked around with assholes her entire life. And she's been fucked over so many times that now she is going after bubble wrap. Bubble wrap is what we call nerdy or nice guys that somehow end up with the hottest fucking girls in the league. She is so fucked up in the head from being with assholes that she just goes after the safest thing she can that way she will be held up on a pedestal and will always have the upper hand. She doesn't want a guy who will take advantage of her anymore, she wants the guy she can manipulate and take advantage of. 

Does this sound like anyone you may know or have seen? If it does, please email me picture of the hot bitch with the nerd that way I can cry myself to sleep later tonight. All women are connivers, and although they will say they're doing it to get treated right, they do it to feel secure. Now you know why that hot girl is with that nerdy guy. 

Is The Pro Bowl The Worst Event In The History Of Sports?

 

Did anyone watch the Pro Bowl yesterday? You probably didn't. I was forced to because I was at work and not one customer was actually there. I have to say, this is the worst sporting event I have ever seen. I would actually rather watch a cheerleading competition than watch the pro bowl ever again. 

Why does this event suck? Because you have guys going half speed, no one gives a shit because they don't want to get hurt, and they have all these rules of how to tackle and how you're not allowed to rush the passer. You might as well give them flags so they can play flag football. 

Do we even need a pro bowl? No, we don't. Can you just named two all-pro teams and call it a day. It's not real football, there's no defense, and no one gives two shits. Just name two all-pro teams and send them on a trip to Hawaii. That's what these guys do anyway, but hey still pretend to play a game while doing it. 

Asshole(s) Of The Day Award

 

http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2012/01/27/Teens-used-CNN-computers-for-Facebook/UPI-68071327693399/ 

I am actually baffled by how stupid these two kids are. I almost have no words to say other than "wow". When you and your buddy decide to break into the CNN studios I don't think it's a very good idea to sign on to their computers and update your faceook status. Well, there's that guy called a security guard who gets paid to sit and watch camera's all night, and then when he calls the real cops and you two are sitting there on facebook you're pretty much fucked. No questions need to be answered, nothing needs to happen because all the information they need is in front of the computer screens. This is the dumbest thing I think anyone has ever done. Here are you t-shirts assholes, do no pass go, do not collect $200 just go directly to jail. 

How Badly Would This 9 Year Old Girl Fuck Me Up?

 

Look at Becky "The Icebox" O'shea over here from the Little Giants just absolutely throwing haymakers   at this dude. I don't know if it's the sound of the gloves hitting those pads or what, but I'm pretty sure that if she hit me once that I would probably be down for the count. I would not want to step in the ring with this fucking girl at any point. She throws combo's, knees, elbows and I didn't see a head butt but you can bet your ass that she probably does that too. Comment 1 for this girl is all smoke and no fire, and Comment 5 for this girl would absolutely beat the ever living shit out of me and everyone else who writes for this stupid fucking blog. 

Monday: Movie Clip Of The Week

 

Yes, this is easily one of the greatest movie scenes of all time. Just a couple of whops from the Godfather straight murdering dudes and taking their cannoli's. Nothing like getting the week started with a little bit of the Godfather and some cannoli's right? This should make anybody happy to start their week, even if it's a Monday. Enjoy!

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Oreos and Milk

Late Night Movie: Hotel Rwanda 

Late Night Song: Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi

Fun Fact: In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time...How did that rule come about exactly? 

Late Night Video:

                                         

Kim Kardashian Apparently Interested In Tim Tebow?

http://www.nfl.com/news/story/09000d5d82662fc6/article/no-kardashian-connection-for-tebow?module=HP11_content_stream

Well, well, well it looks like Kimmy is in pursuit of Tim fucking Tebow. Yes, once you catch your breath from laughing so hard, please feel free to continue reading...Anyway, just solely based on the fact that Tim Tebow hasn't even fucked his left hand let alone a vagina, I am thinking this isn't really a good match. We have an absolute whore with a sex tape and a marriage that lasted as long as a game of Jenga with Michael J. Fox matched up with a guy who's this religious virgin. I mean she's had sex with three guys who probably have dicks that look like a baby's arm holding an apple and they couldn't even keep her happy. Now she wants a guy who's not even gonna graze her vagina until marriage? Not gonna work. One of Tebow's boys actually dropped the quote that Tim is not interested for many reasons one being that he is a virgin and another one being that she has a sex tape (which Tebow probably hasn't watched). Therefore, we can put an end to this garbage immediately. There will be no Tebow and Kardashian, and we can all actually thank god for this one.

Drunk Story Saturday's: The $5,000 Birthday

 

Drunk Story from Chris (Long Island)

It was my 23rd birthday and I thought I was only going out with my girlfriend, my best friend, and his girlfriend. My friend and I decided to just go to his apartment and drink while waiting for the girls. We ended up finishing a whole bottle of absolute. Now it's time to go out. We're supposed to be going out for dinner, we get to the place and there's like twenty of my friends there waiting for me. At this point it's way beyond being able to eat. I can only drink, and now it's on. I am getting absolutely destroyed at this one place and we move to the next place. At the next place I'm so fucked up that I throw up on the bouncer's shoe and he lets me in anyway. We get in and I can't really handle it, I can barely move and I have to step outside for air. My girlfriend comes outside with me and starts trying to pull the trigger for me so I could throw up. Now before I go on, let me just throw in that my girlfriend makes friends with these weird ass couples and somehow she made friends with this one couple where the guy happened to think he had bigger beer muscles than Dwight Howard's shoulders. So this newly befriended couple comes outside to see if everything's alright. These guys in an escalade yell something at the girls out the window. This fucking guy actually jumps into the window of the escalade to fight these guys. Then I look up and I have four guys sprinting towards me assuming I'm with this asshole and I get punched, I go right to the floor because I'm so fucked up, and then they just start hitting me with bats. Next thing I know, I wake up in an MRI capsule, not knowing where the fuck I am. Cost me $5,000 because I didn't have health insurance. Don't let your girlfriend become friends with asshole's, it's never a good way to go about things. 

A $5,000 dollar birthday, you might as well have just gone to Vegas for all of that. 

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Any sandwich from 7-11, and a Slurpee of course.

Late Night Movie: Macgruber

Late Night Song: 500 Miles by The Proclaimers

Fun Fact: Apparently it is illegal for bums to light a fire in a park in New York, unless it is to cook food.

Late Night Video: Baby Monkey, Riding Backwards On a Pig

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_sfnQDr1-o

It's Actually Because You Have A Vagina...

 

Don't you love women who think that they get shit for free and get out of things for every reason other than that they're extremely hot? I find this shit hysterical. Women get free shit all the time, and they get out of things like parking tickets all the time and they think it's because they're smart and have manipulated the system. No sweetheart, it's actually because you have a vagina. 

For instance when you go to a bar and someone asks you how much it was to get in, there is always a girl who says, "Well, I got in for free because the bouncer knows I'm nice." Really? Is that what you tell yourself to make you sleep better at night? It has nothing to do with your low cut shirt and double D tits right? Got it. I just wanted to make sure. 

And then we have those other girls who get out of things like speeding tickets for example. "Yeah well the officer let me go because I was just really nice about everything and he knew I was cooperative." Oh, I get it now. It really wasn't the fact that you blew him five months ago and you're about a nine and a half out of ten. It was definitely because you were cooperative with him. 

This isn't a very difficult concept to understand is it? If you have a vagina, and you're hot, this world can actually be very easy for you. I didn't say that it definitely is easy, I said it can be. So don't jump down my throat here ladies. But the one thing I would love for all of you to admit is that you get out of things because you have a vagina and not for any other reason. When you admit that, I'll actually give you some credit. Until then, you get nothing. 

Man Law: Men Cannot Update Their Facebook And Twitter While Out...

 

Fella's, maybe you all don't realize this but do you understand how incredibly dumb and woman-like you look when you update your twitter and facebook while you're out. "But you do it all the time Steve." Yeah, I do it to update this dumb fucking blog when a new post goes up; it's not to tell everyone how I just took three shots of Jaeger and I'm so drunk. 

Let's look at the evidence here guys. Women do shit like this all the fucking time. Do you really want to be looked at in the same light as women who are constantly updating their twitter and facebook while they're out with their friends? You're exactly like that dumb girl updating her status about the fishbowl she's drinking out of except that you have balls between your fucking legs (and yes I say that loosely).

And mobile uploading things while you're out guys? Come on. You're like a fucking wash woman bro. How do you expect anyone to take you seriously when you've just mobile uploaded a picture of you and four of your guy friends drinking vodka cranberry's with no women in sight? If you're sending a different type of message, good for you. If you think you're cool because you're doing this, you're about as cool as AIDS.

Am I making statements that are just so incredibly outlandish here? If you think so, than I am obviously correct in everything I just said. Do you know how I know that? Because usually when girls complain or have a problem with a post, it's because I'm right. So I'm just gonna assume that if you complain, you are clearly one of these asshole guys. But guys, if you actually do this shit, your man card should be revoked. Other than that, enjoy your night out. 

Woman Orgasm's During MRI, I Think Things Are Getting Out Of Hand

 

http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2012/01/27/why-i-orgasmed-in-an-mri-scanner/?hpt=hp_bn10 

I kind of think the funniest part of this whole thing is the title called, "I Orgasmed In An MRI Scanner". Now I know she did this on purpose as part of research for something that she's writing but I still find this hilarious. Any woman who can get herself off while laying there and not being able to move for at least a half hour sounds like a keeper to me. Or am I wrong since that's what most women do during sex anyway? Okay, so that might've been uncalled for but whatever. Either way, there is something to be said about a chick getting herself off mentally. It's something that I don't think I have ever heard of someone doing. If she can do it with just her mind imagine how crazy she is when the real shit is going down. Someone better wife this chick up asap and reap all the benefits. 

Asshole(s) Of The Day Award

 

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/calgary/story/2012/01/26/calgary-alyth-noise-cp.html 

Yes, the people of this little shithole town up in Calgary, Canada are all getting Asshole Of The Day Award t-shirts. Why? Because they are complaining and trying to "fix" the problem of the rail yard outside of their houses being too loud. Here's some food for thought...Maybe don't buy a house right next to a rail yard? Did you magically think that all the fucking trains were gonna stop running just because you need to go to bed? Guess what? They have families to feed too. Not everyone has your little  shitty desk job. Is it possible that you could have bought another house at a different location? You probably could have, but you all chose not to. You made your own bed, now sleep in it. Have a great fucking day. 

Dude's Got Stickies...

 

Even if you don't like sports you can appreciate this. The ball boy just going balls to the wall at the Australian Open. Dude's just got mega stickies right here. He's probably getting paid a whopping $7.25 an hour to stand there and give each guy a ball when they ask for it, yet he's still going all out and catching laser beams that get hit his way. You gotta love the effort and the intensity he brings to the job. He'll never have trouble getting laid down in Australia ever again. He's just gotta throw this clip on and ladies will be salivating to get a piece of his D. 

Defriendment Friday's

Best part of my job is easily this...

Steve the Hammer:

The Culprit: Karrissa (last name removed)

Status that broke the camel's back: Ughhhhh fuck you hangover! Fuck you 2 hours of sleep! And fuck you to working all night...thank you that will be all.

Reason for Defriendment: You're right, that will be all. When I say I literally care more about what type of shaving cream Rosie O'Donnell uses to shave her legs than I care about your hangover, I am not exaggerating. And your two hours of sleep followed by work? Yeah, no one cares about that either. If you wanna be a man at night, you gotta be a man in the morning. See ya broad! Suck one.

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Ham and Cheese Roll Ups

Late Night Movie: Me, Myself, and Irene

Late Night Song: She's Country by Jason Aldean

Fun Fact: Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England; but only in tropical fish stores...Right because that makes it perfectly okay for tits to be hanging out, sweet.

Late Night Video:

                                         

If They Bring The Margarita Mix...

 

I'm hanging out with a couple of people last night and we're just talking and hanging out when one of my friends says, "Yeah, last night was margarita night at my house." So I'm thinking to myself, "Wait, this kid has themed parties at his house?" I was confused, and very interested in all this at the same time. Naturally, I had to ask him about this themed night. 

I ask him since I am so interested in how awesome margarita night sounds and he says, "Well, I mean if the girls are gonna bring over the tequila, the margarita mix and the blender, than yeah I'm not, not gonna have margarita night." And this was clearly the perfect answer to the question because if people are gonna bring over the tools for margarita night, you're gonna host margarita night. 

It's the same with everything though. Like you don't want to go completely out of the way and be the guy who hosts all the themed parties. But on the flip side; if people, especially women are gonna bring the theme to your house because it's the house everyone parties at all the time, than you're obviously gonna host the themed party consisting of whatever theme they bring with them. 

So in this case, if they're bringing the margarita mix, you're hosting margarita night. If they're bringing the highlighters, you're hosting a highlighter party. And if they're bringing the dildo's and the porno's, you're hosting a gang bang. You say I'm crazy, but wait until it happens, then you'll say I told you so. But let this be the lesson learned. Don't run from the party especially if they're bringing the party to you. 

Sidenote: Speaking of people bringing the party to you, here's this clip from Old School...

                                        

Throwdown Thursday's Week 13

 

http://traffic.libsyn.com/bboys/ThrowdownThursdays13.mp3 

This week we're talking NFL Playoffs, MLB free agency, some NBA and a ton of off sports topic stuff. No Johnny Baseball this week who's out on medical leave, but we do have a surprise special guest from Fireside Chats. Send us emails and follow us on Twitter and Facebook.

Email:

Jbaseball@talkofthetown.me

hammer@talkofthetown.me

Twitter:

@thtalkofthetown

@Jdamico35

@crazy_carl_51 

Has Anyone Ever Google Image Searched Emmanuelle Chiriqui?

 

Everyone knows her as Sloan from Entourage, but her real name is actually Emmanuelle Chiriqui. But my question is if anyone has ever actually google image searched her? Why? Because if you google image search this moon goddess you will notice that there are absolutely zero pictures of her being hot. Like being hot is a skill and an activity for every hot girl, and she has no pictures actually doing it. 

This is literally the best picture of her and I couldn't even get it from google I had to get it from the Entourage website. Not one picture of side boob. Do you know how many hot ass celebrity women have at least one side boob pic on google images? Even a nip slip. Lindsay Lohan has tons of nip slip pics. Even Brittney Spears has nip slip pics. And don't even get me started on the celebrities with the nudie pics. 

Am I asking for a lot here because I am just asking for one extremely hot woman to have just one slutty picture posted on the internet? I'm not even asking for a nudie pic, I'm just asking for some side boob. She's only hot in the way that women who never take their clothes off are hot. But I'm asking for her to be hot in the way that hot ass women who love to be naked are hot. I might be sick in the head, but every guy who reads this post definitely agrees with me. Sloan baby, let's get some side boob. 

Asshole Of The Day Award

 

http://www.citizen-times.com/article/20120126/NEWS/301260017/Call-stolen-phone-leads-Asheville-arrest?odyssey=mod%7Cmostview 

You break into a car and you steal two cell phones, a digital camera and some prescription drugs. What do you do when the victims call the cell phone? Do you A) Not answer and then take the battery out of each phone, B) Shut the phones off, or C) Answer the phone, tell the people you'll return them for a price, and then say when you return them they can buy some weed if they want? If you chose choice C, you my friend are correct. Really bro? How much of a jackass are you? First of all the fact that you answered the phone and told them you stole everything, and then just an, "Oh by the way, would you like to buy some weed?" You are actually the dumbest person I have ever heard of doing something like this. Here is your t-shirt. Once again, I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul. 

Did This Dude Still Have A Job When He Walked Into Work This Morning?

 

The really big question raised here has to be if this dude still has a job after showing up at the office this morning? This can't be from just this one story, this just has to be a huge build up of shitty story after shitty story and he just finally decided to snap while reporting this one. So what the fuck are you doing there? I don't know man, but I can definitely tell you why you'll be riding the unemployment line on a weekly basis looking for your $300 a week. Although I do have to say that I love the enthusiasm. Just straight throwing a hissy fit about having to report another shitty news story and letting the people know about it. The only thing that sucks for you is that you're now fired and nobody cares. So much for your fifteen minutes of fame bro, it didn't even last that long. 

Party Song Of The Weekend

 

I'm coming up with a new rule that unless it's a really big weekend I'm not gonna say anything. This one's Where Have You Been by Rihanna and since it's not a really big weekend there is nothing for me to say other than get hammered. 

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Wendy's Baconator

Late Night Movie: Tropic Thunder

Late Night Song: What Was I Thinking by Dirks Bentley

Fun Fact: Men who look at porn produce more sperm...There was a whole list of reasons why that I really don't wanna get into unless you feel like throwing up.

Late Night Video:

                                        

If That Was My Daughter What Would I Think?

 

Let's try this, when girls do things that one would not consider "classy" or something along those lines try and think to yourself, "If that was my daughter, what would I think?" It's something that you should think about because in the event that you might have a daughter one day, you want to know ahead of time what you're gonna say when she goes out acting like a whore. 

Instance number one, girls who dress like sluts. Do I have a problem with a girl dressing like a slut? As long as she's not dating me then I have no problem whatsoever. However, the chances of a girl dressed like a slut who's dating anyone are slim to none. So if that was my daughter with the skirt up her ass and her tits hanging out what would I think? Well, I would think she's in the perfect outfit for a quickie in the bathroom and why didn't I know she was wearing this when she left the house? And then I would proceed to drag her out of the bar by her hair. 

Instance number two, the girl dancing on the bar followed by letting guys take body shots off of her. If that was my daughter dancing on the bar letting guys drink liquor out of her belly button what would I think? I would think where the fuck did I go wrong as a parent? And how many guys has she mouth banged since she was 15 years old? Sounds harsh, but the bar dancing, body shot girl is not the girl who was exactly raised "correctly". Yeah, she's probably a great person and a cool girl. But she's also probably gotten more pipe laid to her than the fully finished freedom tower in New York City . I would just tell her when she does come home to start packing up because she's getting sent to the nunery. 

Do I sound extremely harsh? Should I be easier on these girls who are just having "fun"? I don't think so. Have all the fun you want, get fucked up, make out with random guys, have one night stands, who cares? But do it in a classy way. Don't go parading around with half your ass hanging out and let guys take shots off your sweaty body in the middle of a crowded bar. That's where the line is drawn. You ladies might be mad at me, but once again, I am one hundred percent correct.  

Sidenote: I also know that there is no such thing as a nunery and it is actually called a convent. I just think that nunery sounds way better and way funnier so I use that one. I'm an idea man, I thrive on enthusiasm, what can I say? 

Soccer Stars Girlfriend Says He's Injured Because They Have Too Much Sex

 

http://blog.chron.com/sportsupdate/2012/01/soccer-stars-girlfriend-claims-he’s-on-injury-list-because-of-too-much-sex/ 

AC Milan standout mid-fielder Kevin-Prince Boateng is currently injured. His girlfriend is claiming it's because of how much sex they have saying, "The reason that he is always injured is because we have sex seven to ten times a week." Good for you buddy! I'm proud of you big guy, plus your girl is an absolute dime which makes this even better. His girlfriend is Melissa Satta who can be found on that link and it would just be easier for me to tell you things I wouldn't do to her rather than tell you everything I would do to her. Bottom line, I would let her suffocate me to death by sitting on my face. Dude, seven to ten times a week is no joke. You two must go at it so hard that you need a squirt bottle bed side to keep yourself hydrated. I respect every minute of it, but don't get hurt in there. What are you two throwing fucking lamps at each other? There is a fine line between fun and crazy, and it sounds like you two have crossed that line. But hey, to each their own right? So good for you bro, keep laying the wood and getting paid to watch from the sidelines. At the end of the day, you're still banging a ten. 

L.A. Mandates Porn Actors Must Wear Condoms

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/01/la-mandates-porn-actors-must-wear-condoms/1 

If you're a porn star, it is now mandatory in L.A. to wear a condom according to a law that was passed yesterday. And you're all pissed off about this? Why? First of all you're porn stars, not porn actors. It takes talent to be an actor, it takes having a boner to have sex on camera. There's a big difference. Also, why are you so pissed off? These girls have been through more dick than an 80 year old pair of underwear, I think it's a safe bet to say they have something. So what you don't like the way it feels, you're getting paid to stick your dick inside of her, stop fucking complaining. Do you know how many people with morals and self respect wish they had your job? Pretty much everyone. If your biggest problem is wearing a condom, I think you're doing okay. Stop complaining and shut the fuck up. Also, special thanks to Manfred for sending me the article. 

Stand Back Everyone, He's Too Cool For Shots...

 

Of course, we all know someone who just has to be "that guy" whenever you and your friends go out. You know the guy who's too cool to conform to what everyone else is doing. And he's got a really hot girlfriend so he just looks at the rest of you like you're all pieces of shit and he's just that much better than you. We have all seen or met an asshole like this. 

I saw one of these the other night at work. His girlfriend had come in first with a few of her friends and when he got there they ordered shots. Now, this guy was like in his 40's and his girlfriend was 23. Good for him, but come on for her. Like sweetheart you're a hot ass 23 year old girl. Why are you with this guy? Is is just because he has money? If so, that's a horrible reason. 

Anyway, her friends try to be nice and order the shots. They give one to him since he looks like the old guy who is clearly out of place with the young people and he says, "No, I don't do shots. I'll live." Well, well, well big guy, I'm sorry you're too cool for shots. You'll live? Fuck off guy, how about that one? You stand there and act all high and mighty because you don't do shots. Like he was looking at these kids like they were scum. They're scum? You're at a bar at 40 years old with your 23 year old girlfriend and all her friends. I think you need to look in the mirror. 

So to the guy who's too cool for shots, loosen up bro. It's not good to always be walking around with a tight asshole. Plus your girl is young and wants to have fun. Don't be the guy who stands there and watches his girlfriend have fun. Even if you're old as fuck, try and have a good time. Don't be the dude who's too cool who everyone talks shit about behind his back. 

Asshole Of The Day Award

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/baltimore-co-priest-charged-with-indecent-exposure-at-adult-book-store-removed-from-duty/2012/01/22/gIQAfXuBJQ_story.html?tid=pm_local_pop 

I'm going to say that the easiest way to get relieved from duty as a priest would be to go to an adult book store wearing no pants and just browse around like nothings wrong. Turns out that people weren't too thrilled about that. I mean touching little boys is fine, but standing in public with no pants on is a totally different story. I guess it's because even though everyone knows they touch little boys, it's not in public so it's okay. Much like what Penn State thought. Was it too soon for all of that? No, it's never too soon. Anyway, here's your t-shirt oh holy one for doing the no pants dance in public. Look at it this way, at least now you can wear no pants in public and not have to worry about losing your job. 

Nothing Like A Little Live Bomb Hot Potato

 

How utterly insane in the head do you have to be to play hot potato with a live fucking bomb? Like this is no joke right here, they're passing around a live bomb, tossing it to the ground, and then diving out of the way. This would hands down be the easiest way to get me to literally shit my pants. Like I would want absolutely no part of this game at any time. Just some crazy asians doing crazy asian things. You gotta love the intensity they bring to the table. Completely not giving a fuck about their own self preservation, if they die, they die. 

Walmart Shopper Wednesday's

 

Mmmm, nothing says bonerific like the ass crack of some woman sitting on the floor in a Walmart. If this doesn't get you going than I don't know what does. I mean that giant, white, out of shape ass just does it for me. And that outfit to go along with it. I had no idea that turquoise pants were ever actually in style. Add to that the night gown type top and we have a half retarded nurse with her ass hanging out. And nothing says sexy like that. In related news, does anyone have a quarter for the slot machine? 

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Chicken and Bacon Quesadilla

Late Night Movie: Eyes Wide Shut

Late Night Song: Online by Brad Paisley

Fun Fact: The word "sex" was coined in 1382...That's a long fucking time ago.

Late Night Video:

                                        

Prince Fielder Signs With Tigers 9 Years $214 Million

 

Prince Fielder has reached a 9 year $214 million deal with the Detroit Tigers. It was mind boggling that this dude was on the market for this long but this definitely makes Detroit a dangerous team in the AL this season. Adding Prince to Miguel Cabrera is huge and now all Delmon Young has to do is be decent. This is a great sign for Detroit although now the question is where the hell is Cabrera going to play or who the hell is the DH? Whatever, they have the bats, they have the ace, and now they're dangerous. 

Sidenote: How much food was involved in this deal? I'm saying somewhere between catered meals for just him in the locker room and his own restaurant. Any thoughts? 

Weekly Video Number One: How To Ensure You And Your Bartenders Have A Good Night

 

We are back baby! All of you who went to college with me remember the videos of me shitting on the entire school and now I'm bringing it back to real life. This one is how to ensure that you and your bartenders have a good night. Give me some thoughts, some comments, any feedback whatsoever will be accepted. And if you have suggestions for any other videos, also let me know. 

Girls Talking Up Their Friends...

 

What is one of the worst sentences that can come out of a woman's mouth? "I have this friend, she's really nice and you should definitely meet her." That is up there on the list with, "I wanna marry you," and, "I'm pregnant and it's yours." It's just one of those sentences that you really don't want to hear. 

Why is this such a bad statement? Well guys, let me ask all of you how many times has a woman said this to you? And how many times has the woman's friend been absolutely, positively brutal? I'm going to say that according to my statistics in this department, roughly 97.436% of the time, the woman's friend has been an absolute animal. 

"But she's so nice." That's because she has to be! You tell us how nice your friend is and all this other nonsense that we don't care about when all we really want to know are two things. Is she hot? Is she down to get down? And that's really it. As soon as you say she's nice, that's when we say she's definitely fat, ugly or both. I'm not jumping on a grenade just so you can try and make your friend feel good. Eight and a half or better sweetheart, I don't do charity work. 

Trying to talk up your friends can work to your advantage sometimes, but it mostly works to your disadvantage. Your best bet is to go out as a group and let the lions (the guys) hang out with the gazelles (the women) and let whatever happens, happen. That's the only way you'll get some results. Even if it's just a drunk one night stand, it's still a result. But talking up how nice your friend is will get you nowhere. I guarantee it. 

This Just In: Sex Is No More Strenuous Than Playing Golf

 

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/01/120123114255.htm 

We have experts now who say that having sex is no more strenuous than playing golf. Well, I have had sex before (sorry Mom if you're reading) and I have played golf before and I beg to differ on this one. Golf is relaxing and laid back and sex is not laid back and it's not relaxing. Maybe it's just me? Maybe I just absolutely lay the wood when I'm in the sack, I don't know. But the one thing I do know is that this is complete and total bullshit. If you expect me to believe that sex is no more strenuous than golfing than I might as well just have ASSHOLE written on my forehead. Maybe it's like golfing for the girl who just lays there like a dead fish and takes it. But for the girl who knows what she's doing and for the guy who just lays the wood, there is no parallel to golf whatsoever. Maybe the flagpole in the hole would be the only thing close, and even that's pushing it. 

Top Ten Extremely Degrading Rap Songs Towards Women...

 

Women know them, and they love them; they're degrading rap songs towards women. It doesn't matter how degrading, how many hoes they say they're banging, and whatever else they could possibly say, women will listen and dance to these songs every time they're out. So here is my list of degradation what's yours?

10) Hootie Hoo by Outkast: Any song about what a woman's vagina makes you say when you're inside of it has to make this list. It's kind of catchy, but still very much degrading. 

9) Smack That by Akon: Oh yeah, you gonna watch him smack that all on the floor, and smack that till you get sore. I mean really girls, do you listen to the lyrics or do you just back your ass up on anything with a beat to it?

8) Shake That Ass by Eminem and Nate Dogg: It's all about women shaking their ass for them. Just listen to some of the lyrics with it and you'll also realize why. 

7) Bitches Ain't Shit But Hoes And Tricks by Dre, Snoop and two other guys: I think the title is self explanatory for this one.

6) No Hands by Waka Flocka: Drop it to the floor, he love the way that booty go and all he wants to do is sit back and watch you go while he proceeds to throw his cash. Sounds extremely respectful. 

5) Alphabet Bitches by Lil Wayne: Pretty much any song that Lil Wayne sings is degrading towards women, I just picked this one because I read the lyrics. Plus he's referring to his women as bitches, it doesn't get much more degrading than that.

4) I Wanna Fuck You by Akon: This title is another one that is self explanatory. And he's watching you winding and grinding up on that pole and you now the rest of the story. He wants to fuck you. 

3) Wait Till You See My Dick (the whisper song) by Ying Yang Twins: Oh, his chorus is talking about beating the pussy up. You know how many girls I've watched just grind to this like no one's watching? If the number was one it was way too many. 

2) Heidi Hoe by Common: Old school, hardcore cursing and bitching out women all in one song. Take a listen, if you're a guy you'll laugh, if you're a girl you'll be appalled. 

1) Wildflower by Ghostface Killah: I was actually appalled when I heard this song. I did my research and I'm pretty sure my number one choice right here is definitely the most degrading song I have ever heard towards women. But there is one thing we still know. Women will still dance to it.