Talk of the Town: June 2012

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Drunk Story Saturday's: Boom Boom With The Bridesmaid

Drunk Story from J Ball (Scotch Plains):

"It was the summer time and I was playing baseball in a college summer league up in New England. The host family that I lived with had a younger daughter who was newly eighteen and just graduated high school. I was 21 at the time and I couldn't really grasp how hot this girl was. It turns out that the family's oldest daughter was getting married at the end of the summer. Now, all summer long you could cut the sexual tension with a knife between me and the eighteen year old. She would flirt with me all the time and I just couldn't bang her because her parents were always around watching me like a hawk. Turns out by the end of the summer I end up swinging an invite to this wedding. I went with the bridesmaid aka the younger sister. The wedding was a blast and we were there getting absolutely shit bombed. I was so fucked up I could barely walk. At the end of the night my date looks at me and asked me if I wanted to get out of there and go with her back to the house. The plan was to beat the parents home, have some sex and then hopefully not get caught by her parents. We get a cab to her house that wasn't far and we just get in and start ripping each other's clothes off. I was crushing thing poor girl just running a demolition on her vagina. Next thing I know, BOOM! Loudest fucking sound I'd ever heard. We broke the fucking bed. Then to top it off ten minutes later her mom knocks on the door. She knew I was in there. I was fucked. My date answers the door, the mom starts flipping shit, I get booted out of the room and the next morning it was like nothing ever happened. Awkward for me, but for them it was like nothing ever happened. I was out of there two weeks later and have never seen them again. Just a little night of going boom boom with the bridesmaid."

I can't explain to you how awesome that is. And it's also even more awesome that she was a fresh eighteen year old. No matter what age you are an eighteen year old is always a guy's favorite. Young, fresh, and stupid. There's nothing better than a hot eighteen year old.

Friday, June 29, 2012

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Classic Nachos with cheese

Late Night Programming: Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Late Night Song: Amber by 311

Fun Fact: The first alarm clock could only ring at 4am...That's fucking brutal

Late Night Video:

Buck Showalter Flips On Darren O'Day During An Interview Begins Your Weekend

Just saw this on "The Rundown" on #MLBNetwork. Last week when the Baltimore Orioles were in town to face the Mets. Orioles closer Jim Johnson and Manager Buck Showalter pulled a little prank on reliever Darren O'Day during an interview about the "Solo Wheel" which I guess is like a mini segway.

If Buck Showalter started barking at me like that, I'd probably release my bowels in fear.

If the video doesn't work check out MLBfancave.com

Betz Of The Day

Today's Games

MLB:

Astros vs Cubs

Padres vs Rockies

Mets vs Dodgers (under 6.5)

Ochocinco Says He Is Developing A Brokeback Mountain Type Of Chemistry With The Dolphins...What?

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/sports/miami-dolphins/fl-miami-dolphins-0620-20120619,0,1288738.story

Ochocinco what's good bro? What are you trying to tell us here? I follow you on twitter and facebook and I've seen you talking about and posting pictures of some pretty fucking hot women and now you make a statement like this? You said you're developing a "Brokeback Mountain" type of chemistry with your teammates in Miami. You do know that Brokeback Mountain is about two dudes fucking right? Did you realize that before you started talking? I guess not. Are you implying that you guys have awesome after practice shower sessions? Not quite sure where you're going with this but I think you could have come up with about 700 better references to describe your good chemistry. But then again what do I know? I like vagina.

Post-Apocalyptic Relationships: 7 Stages of Crazy

So the newest video to go viral on youtube is this crazy broad singing the stalker version of Justin Bieber's song "Boyfriend" (if you haven't had an idiot co-worker make you watch this yet consider yourself lucky). We've all gone a little crazy after some relationships, but some people take it to a whole new level when they're pissed. Then they usually sit around and wonder why everyone calls them a psyco. In honor of this level of crazy I decided to outline 7 warning signs that showcase an increasingly deranged love obsessed stalker.

1.) Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but let's hang out EVERYDAY: Most normal people know the 2 day rule. You go out with someone on a Friday, you text them on Sunday. Guys can have a little more flexibility with this, maybe a throw in a "hey hope you got home ok, I had a nice time tonight!" message. Other than that, play it cool people. If you're that desperate after the first day just imagine 6 months down the road, guaranteed they'll be talking about horrifying things like kids and matching towel sets.

2.) Oh you already have plans? Thanks for blowing me off: As fun as picking out bird seed for your grandma sounds, some people actually work for a living. If a girl/ guy gets pissed that you can't hang out right when they want you, that's a sign they're entering crazy mode. And believe me it only gets worse from here, because instead of being a rational human being, now they think you owe them, and payback is a bitch.

3.) Don't bother calling me anymore: Don't worry hunny, he won't. This is like a get out of jail free card for guys. It's not a way to let him know you're pissed, it's a way to let him know you're crazy. He already realizes you want him to call, but now he can use the line "well you told me not to!" Ergo now you look like the psychopath for getting angry when he doesn't (which, if you're saying this, you probably are).

4.) The fake text- "Hey sexy can't wait to see you tonight ;) OMG so sorry I accidentally hit your phone number instead of my boyfriend's" I send wrong messages all the time, but usually they contain the word booger or something embarrassing. It's highly unlikely you just happened to "accidentally" text your plans to someone you've clearly been stalking.

5.) The drunk text: "Hye whher r u at?? I wnat to see yuo tahhhnightttr" Unless you are currently en route to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, no one is that bad of a drunk texter. We get it, you're inebriated and promising guilt free sex. (Don't fall for it, you'll wake up to them cooking you breakfast and asking what you want to do together for the day).

6.) I'm not crazy but...: If you have to start a sentence with this, it's basically forewarning the other person what you're about to say will scare them.

And the craziest of them all....

7.) I've been hurt in the past, you just proved to me that all guys are assholes (or girls are bitches): Oh you've been hurt in the past? Damn, that sucks because it's not like that happens to everyone who's ever been in a fucking relationship. Did you significant other throw you down a flight of stairs then try and strangle you? If not then stop being a pussy saying shit hurt and get over it. Yea breakups suck dick but if you act like you're life was ruined every time then get used to being dumped cuz your ass is crazy.

These people are usually easy to recognize, so head it off early. And by head it off I mean get a restraining order, delete them on facebook and RUN.

You Can Always Compare A Great Butt To Fruit

You know what I love about a great butt? Besides the fact that it can sit on your face, the fact that you can compare a great butt to fruit is one of the most beautiful things on the planet. What do I mean? I mean a nice, plump, round, juicy piece of fruit is just like a great ass.

Take this nectarine for example. It's well rounded, it looks scrumptious and it has the leather cheerio in the middle there just like a regular butt does. A great butt can compare to this nectarine in all the fantastic physical properties that we all love. If you had a girl in front of you with a butt like that shaking it in your face you would have to control yourself from trying to stick your face in it.

Keep an eye out. Especially now that it's the summer women with great butts are out and about all over the place. Big ones, petite ones, very round ones, 3D coming at you ones and of course Brazilian ones. They're all over the place if you keep your eyes open. There's also the apple shaped butt, the nectarine shaped butt and the melon shaped butt.

Is there anything better than a great butt just before it's about to sit on your face? No, absolutely not. I know I use the sitting on my face term a lot but it's really the best feeling in the world when you get to check the bread of a great butt. When you get a great one, just let it use your face as a seat and go to work on the leather cheerio. That's what it's all about.

Dude Shows Up Uninvited To Kindergarten Graduation Hammered And Armed With A Machete

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2012/06/machete-kindergarten-laguna-beach-arrest.html

If I was taking guesses on a guy who would show up uninvited to a kindergarten graduation while drunk and on meth waving a machete at people I would certainly pick this guy. I mean congratulations bro you just scarred about forty kids for the rest of their lives just thinking about the drunk retard who showed up on graduation day swinging a sword at people. Then he drives away swinging the machete at other drivers on the road. So wait, he's drunk, and not looking at the road? I have no idea how nobody died. Fat, drunk, stupid and swinging a machete at little kids graduations is no way to go through life son.

Sidenote: I wonder what the judge is gonna say to this guy when he reads this case. How is he gonna look at this guy without pissing himself. I wouldn't be able to do it.

Sorry, But She's A CBA

Have you ever heard of the term that a girl is a CBA? Probably not because only my friends think of shit like this and if you don't know my friends than you wouldn't know what the fuck I'm talking about. But that is why I'm here, to explain to you what shit like this actually means.

Now, have you ever heard the term show me who your friends are and I'll show you who you are? Of course you have it's like one of the oldest sayings in the league. So what CBA stands for is a Cunt By Association. Meaning that if there's a girl who the verdict isn't out on yet and she hangs out with girls who are cunts then she is a cunt by association.

I mean let's be realistic for a second, if a girl hangs out with a bunch of cunty friends than there is about a 96.8743% chance of her being a cunt. It's like the little cunt 7 year old girl I was talking about the other day, she's only a cunt because her mother is a cunt. If you have friends who are all bitchy cunts than you are most certainly going to be a bitchy cunt. It's that simple.

How many girls have you met and thought she's definitely a bitch because of the girls she's hanging out with? How many times have you been right about that assessment? It's been a ton of times for me. We all know you're not supposed to pass judgement before you actually know someone, but if I know their friends I can tell you exactly what they're gonna be like. And the bottom line is that if her friends are a bunch of cunts, than she is most assuredly a cunt.

If You're A Knicks Fan Last Night Had To Be About As Exciting As Watching Grass Grow

Now I have no idea who Kostas Papanikolaou is but I'm pretty sure he's Greek and he makes a gyro like no other. I also noticed that there is nothing that stands out about the guy so I'm kind of confused as to why this pick was made. Is this pick for defense? Because it's not for offense. He only averaged about 6.5 points per game overseas and like just under 3 rebounds. And that's overseas not playing against the best competition in the world. What is he gonna do in the NBA? I don't know but in typical Knicks fashion I don't think you'll ever see him play. I don't know much about basketball, but by looking at the stats I'm scratching my head. Knicks fans here you go. Your one pick in the draft and you took the guy in the gyro truck right outside MSG. I could be wrong, but I don't get it.

Sidenote: This has nothing to do with basketball but here's a joke. Jerry Sandusky and Michael Jackson walk into a bar. The bartender says, sorry it's only 21 and up here. Anyone?

Asshole Of The Day Award

http://blogs.tcpalm.com/off_the_beat_will_greenlee_blog/2012/06/a-54-year-old-man-was-arrested.html

"I'm gonna kick your ass...but after I take this huge shit." Yes, those were the words of this guy. Yelling at his neighbor because his neighbor didn't feel like talking and then he told him he was gonna kick his ass after he took a shit. Nice. He was then calling his mother a dirty whore. Not sure how well that one went over. See if you're gonna be a tough guy you can't be telling people that you have to take a shit. Beat his ass and take a shit on him. Now that's not only insulting and degrading, but it's also illegal. But I guess when you gotta go, you gotta go. Even if it's before trying to beat the shit out of someone. Here's your t-shirt, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

It's A Slow Video Week, So Here's A High School Baseball Fight

This is from like early May. I have no idea where it is and I have no idea if either of these teams are even any good. Not that it really matters. But how much of a pussy is this base runner? Bro, you're going full speed and running into the catcher who is at a stand still and you got laid the fuck out. Like how does that even happen? He didn't even budge and you went down like a ton of bricks. I guess it just stems from your entire team being a bunch of pussies. What really caught my eye was number 13 in purple. Kid like came out of the dugout but was telling himself he was gonna look like he was trying to get involved, but he really wasn't trying to get involved. Just watch him he kind of just hangs out in the background praying he doesn't have to actually fight. We caught you bro, you're a fraud.

Defriendment Friday's

Another one bites the dust...

Steve the Hammer

The Culprit: Christina (last name removed)

Status that broke the camel's back: Buy me a drink, sing me a song. Take me as I come, cause I can't stay long <3

Reason for Defriendment: Really? I don't even know what that means and I'm pretty sure no one else does either judging by the 6 hours and zero likes evidence. Plus the fact that I want the four seconds of my life back that it too me to read that. And little hearts in the status are automatic qualifiers for defriendment. Bye bye broad.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Potato Pancakes

Late Night Programming: Grim Fandango

Late Night Song: Young by Kenny Chesney

Fun Fact: The banana tree cannot reproduce itself, it can only be propagated by the hand of man...That sounds a lot like an old testament passage to me.

Late Night Video:

Party Song Of The Weekend Brought To You By DJ Nicky Bentz

After a laid back and mellow last week I told you that we would be back raging this week and that's exactly what we're doing. This one's called Silhouettes by Avicii featuring Salem Al Fakir. You think it starts off slow but then at the 54 second mark the beat drops and you're ready for an all out fist pump fest. I wanna chug Jager so bad listening to this right now that I can't even stand it. I'm ready for a big weekend, what about you?

Betz Of The Day

Today's Games

MLB:

Nats vs Rockies

Padres vs Astros

Mets vs Dodgers (over 7)

NBA Draft Preview For Local Teams

NBA Draft is tonight and once again the Knicks and the Nets have us all excited about their potential lottery picks-- wait... the Knicks don't have a first round pick?

They traded it for 'melo for say? I can live with that I guess. So I guess the Nets don't have one because they gave it to Orlando for Dwight Howard right? They didn't? Who?

Gerald Wallace?

Ugh...

Anyway here's your draft preview for the Knicks and Nets.

The Knicks pick 48th while the Nets have the fourth to last pick in the draft. Also the season starts October 30th.

What The All Star Starters Should Really Look Like

The All Star starters will be announced tonight as usual there are guys who are only gonna be there because of their name. So here it is, straight from Daddy himself it's what the All Star starters should really look like:

NL

Catcher: Carlos Ruiz (Phillies)
How are you gonna snub the guy who's leading all of the majors in hitting out of the All Star starting spot? Yeah, Molina's a better defensive catcher but this is about who's had the better first half of the season. And clearly that's Ruiz with his .364 average and adding 11 dingers and 43 RBI's. He's easily the most underrated catcher in baseball.

1st Base: Joey Votto (Reds)
Easy choice here. The Reds gave him a ton of money and he's just went out and played up to that contract. I mean .353 with 14 homers is nothing to scoff at. Dude's the real deal.

2nd Base: Aaron Hill (Diamondbacks)
Not only is he hitting .297 with 10 home runs and 35 RBI's but his on base percentage is also .361, which is the best among NL second basemen. Not a household name, but he should be the starter if we're basing it off of stats.

3rd Base: David Wright (Mets)
I mean he is hitting .357 which is second in all of baseball. Only 8 home runs but he does have 47 RBI's and his on base percentage is .449 which is absolutely ridiculous.

Short Stop: Starlin Castro (Cubs)
He's hitting .301 and he must have only walked like twice all year because his on base is only .318. However, there's not another NL short stop with numbers that are even close to him. He also has 39 RBI's and 16 stolen bases.

Left Field: Carlos Gonzalez (Rockies)
I was gonna go with Melky right here but the power numbers don't even compare. I know Melky's hitting .351 and leads the league in hits but let's get real for a minute. Car Go is hitting .333 with 17 home runs and 54 RBI's. And although Melky is hitting 18 points higher, Gonzalez is only two points behind in on base percentage. My nod goes to Car Go here.

Center Field: Andrew McCutchen (Pirates)
Dude is having himself a season. .342 average, 14 home runs and 48 RBI's. He's living up to his contract as well. He's gonna be a premier center fielder in this league for many years to come.

Right Field: Carlos Beltran (Cardinals)
God I hope this fuck steps on a leggo piece. He was healthy all of three years with the Mets and now he goes to St. Louis and is having a monster year. 20 home runs, 59 RBI's, he's hitting .312 and his on base is .400.

Starting Pitcher: R.A. Dickey (Mets)
Oh I'm biased because I'm a Mets fan. No, I still think he sucks but there's not denying he's had the best first half out of any pitcher in the NL let alone all of baseball. He's 11-1, his ERA is 2.31 and he has 106 strikeouts in 105 innings pitched. If he's not the starter this fucking thing is rigged.

AL

Catcher: A.J. Pierzynski (White Sox)
Call me a sucker for power numbers but that's what I am in this case. I know Mauer's hitting .321 and all that but let's face it, Pierzynski has the power numbers. Mauer has 3 home runs and 34 RBI's to Pierzynski's 12 and 42. Plus he's hitting .283, which isn't bad for those numbers. Mauer isn't having a Mauer type year for him.

1st Base: Paul Konerko (White Sox)
Not to mention that there's not even another first baseman close to him in average he's about forty years old with 13 home runs and 39 RBI's. His average and on base percentage puts him ahead of Prince Fielder for me.

2nd Base: Robinson Cano (Yankees)
No surprise here. .308, 18 dingers and 41 RBI's. And he hasn't even started hitting with guys in scoring position yet. He's the best second baseman in the league and it's not even a question.

3rd Base: Adrien Beltre (Rangers)
He's only hitting a modest .333, has 13 round trippers and 49 RBI's. Miguel Cabrera's close and has a little bit better power numbers. Honestly you can't go wrong with either one but I'm taking Beltre.

Short Stop: Derek Jeter (Yankees)
Hitting .305, has 95 hits and he seems to be getting better with age. Guy's gonna play until he's 44. Write it down.

Left Field: Josh Hamilton (Rangers)
24 home runs, 64 RBI's, a .312 average and he's slowed down and showed he's human over the last six weeks. And guess what? he's still probably the best player in baseball.

Center Field: Mike Trout (Angels)
How can I not go with Granderson? It's pretty simple. Granderson's hitting .241 and Trout is hitting .344. Is that simple enough for you? Oh, and he's also the most exciting player in baseball right now.

Right Field: Jose Bautista (Blue Jays)
His average is way down this year, but his power numbers have exploded for the last six weeks. He leads the majors in home runs with 26, he has 58 RBI's and he hasn't even started hitting yet. No doubt that this outfield is all about power.

DH: David Ortiz (Red Sox)
That Edwin Encarnacio guy has one more home run and one more RBI than Ortiz. But Ortiz has more hits and a higher average. What does it all mean? It means Ortiz should be the starter. Boom.

Starting Pitcher: Chris Sale (White Sox)
He's 9-2, his ERA is 2.27, opposing hitters are hitting .197 against him and his WHIP is 0.97. How can he not be the starter? And I'm a little biased because my college team got to face him two years ago. Kid's a stud and he's been the best pitcher in the AL.

Who's More Retarded? The NY Islanders And Columbus Blue Jackets Narrowly Avoid Worst Trade Ever In the History of Life

I know I'm a couple days late with this but on Monday night a report surfaced that blew my mind.

New York Islanders GM Garth Snow tried to pull a Mike Ditka and trade his entire draft to move up just 2 slots in the NHL draft.

The trade would've sent the Columbus Blue Jackets the #4 overall pick in the first round, as well as the Islanders remaining six draft picks over the next seven rounds in exchange for JUST the #2 overall pick in the first round.

For those who don't understand how one sided this is. Imagine you went to somebody and said, "hey, I'll trade you $20,000 dollars for that burger you have because but I think that it could be the best burger I've ever had".

The Blue Jackets suck, they always have sucked. It's hard to suck more then the Islanders but the BJ's (giggity) do.

So naturally the Blue Jackets, who need as much young talent as they can get, accepted this diabolical proposal right?

Wrong. They told the Islanders no.

I've sat here at this computer for the last five minutes and I don't even know what to write as a reaction to that.

What could you possibly be thinking to not only propose this deal but then to turn it down? All I gotta say is there's probably a reason why these two franchises are complete jokes.

Who's more retarded? The Jackets for turning this down or the Isles for even proposing it?

Our Parties Were Way Better...

Last night I stop by my friend's house just to hang out. His parents are away so we were just hanging in the man den watching some Hangover 2 and then his little brother decided to throw a party. Much like my friend, the little brother knows he has prime real estate space to throw a house party. Of course while this party was going on we were just sitting on the couch being the creepy old guys, but I couldn't help thinking, "Our parties were way better."

When my buddy threw his parties in his massive basement it was standing room only and everyone was into it. There was no possible way anyone could sit on a couch and watch a baseball game in its entirety. That would just never happen. But last night, it was like twenty kids were packed like sardines in one corner and the rest of the basement was empty. One dude was rocking a Taylor Gang Or Die shirt and thought smoking hookah was like the coolest thing ever. Who the fuck smokes hookah at a house party?

And then there were girls there but there really weren't girls there. Like a group of them came but stood on the other side of the room huddled up by themselves. It was almost like an all boys and all girls high school freshman dance where everyone keeps their distance and doesn't really say anything. And then I'm thinking about how awesome our parties were. These kids were crowded around two small tables watching each other play beer pong. They totally disregarded the giant ping pong table in the middle of the room.

At our parties we had a game of civil war going on the ping pong table and then if I recall correctly one game of flip cup on one of the side tables and another game of baseball on the other table. We came to get fucked up and it was always a packed house. These kids last night were staring at us sitting on the couch like we didn't know how to party. But kids, we've been partying since before you were in your father's nuts. And you know what? Our parties were hands down way better.

Sidenote: The Bryce Harper t-shirts did make an appearance though. Can't ask for much better than that.

Penguins To Give Sidney Crosby 100Mill Over The Next 9 Years

http://espn.go.com/nhl/story/_/id/8107350/pittsburgh-penguins-sidney-crosby-reach-9-figure-deal-reports-say

Let's throw some off season hockey into the mix now. The Pittsburg Penguins are set to give Sidney Crosby over $100 million over the next nine seasons. They agreed on the contract extension this morning. And who wouldn't, it is 100 million dollars, I would agree too. Even if Rosie O'Donnell had to sit on my face for me to get it, I would agree to it. But as for the Penguins I'm a little confused here. He sat out almost the entire year with a head injury from his concussion in 2011. He's about one wrong fall away from his career being over. I understand he's the best player in hockey when he's on the ice but I would be extremely reluctant to pay him this much money for this long of a time. One wrong fall, one wrong elbow, one wrong fucking sneeze and the guy's CAREER could be over. If it works out, great. But if it doesn't, don't say I didn't tell you so.

Bro Beats Up His Sister After She Criticizes How Much Syrup He Put On His Pancakes

http://www.thestarpress.com/article/20120628/BUSTED/306280035/Police-Arrest-follows-dispute-over-pancakes?odyssey=mod

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Just your run of the mill breakfast having some pancakes with your sister. And then your sister tells you that you put too much syrup on your pancakes. What do you do next? If your answer is choke her out and bang her head against the kitchen cabinet than step on down you've just won a prize. Well not really a prize just an arrest. That's what this moron did. I mean really bro? How are you that much into your syrup that you take an insult like that personal? It's not that big of a deal dude. It's just breakfast. If they would've only had scrambled eggs this could've all been avoided. You're not from Vermont and you do not own an emerging maple syrup conglomerate. It's not that serious.

Fucked Up Thoughts

Not gonna lie, I have a lot of fucked up thoughts. Did you guys ever have fucked up thoughts? Not like fucked up as in like killing myself and/or other people, just fucked up in not thinking about certain things the way that a normal person would think about them. Let's take this example from the other day for instance.

I'm walking to get on the ferry to come home from work. It's been a long day, I'm tired and the boat is just overflowing with people. As I'm walking on the boat some little girl who had to be about seven years old steps on my shoe and then cuts me off while dragging her mother through. She and her mother both don't say sorry. Now a normal person might think, "It's okay, it's just a kid she doesn't know any better." I say bullshit to that one. And then I stood there and said to myself, "Wow, what a fucking cunt." I'm cursing her out in my head saying that this little girl is a cunt for cutting me off and stepping on me without apologizing and her or her mother don't say sorry.

I mean have a little class. Teach your daughter to not be a cunt like you. Poison attacks from the head down so if the mom's a cunt (which there is about a 93% chance that she is) then the daughter is going to be one. I don't wanna hear she's young and doesn't know any better, you step on someone you at least say something. And then to top it all off this little bitch who is now blocking my way because she walked slower than my grandmother on pain killers, then comes to a dead stop in front of me. It's a crowded boat and we're stopping to look at the fucking ocean? Are we kidding? Get the fuck out of my way.

Needless to say I thought about throwing her overboard. She's gonna grow up to be just like the rest of them so we might as well just make the world a better place throw her out of the way now. Keep some poor little kid's heart from being broken when he gets older. That's what I'm thinking as her and her mother are pissing me off and ruining my day even more. Maybe it's not fucked up. Because there's a good chance most of you reading this would have had the same thought had you been stepped on and cut off after a long day. And if you wouldn't have, well then I guess I need therapy.

I'm Pretty Sure Portugal's Coach Is Going To Be Tarred And Feathered In A Public Square Because Of Yesterday

I know I don't talk a lot of soccer on here, mainly because the more I talked about it the more you would all realize that I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. But that fucking Portugal coach has some mother fucking explaining to do for yesterday's shoot out debacle. With Portugal down 3-2 in the shoot out Cristiano Ronaldo still hadn't shot. Now, knowing you need this goal or Spain can score and end it, wouldn't you want your best player and arguably the best player in the world to take that shot? You can't assume anything. You can't assume that your guy's not gonna hit the cross bar and then even if he does Spain isn't gonna score. If I need a shot and have the chance to have my best player take it, I can live with that. I can sleep afterwards knowing we went with our best guy and he didn't come through. What I cannot live with is knowing I could have used my best guy and he just ended up standing on the sideline with his hands tied. I can't live with what might've been if I'm this coach, I can live with knowing he at least took the shot. My money's on the Portugal fans almost murdering this guy. Being tarred and feathered in the main square in Portugal is gonna be absolutely amazing to see. And Ronaldo's gonna be the first one on it.

Asshole Of The Day Award

http://www.ktla.com/video/viral/ktla-man-gas-pump-fire,0,2249089.story

Testing your lighter at the gas pump? Genius move right here bro. Haven't you ever seen Zoolander when they have the gasoline fight and that dude lights up a cigarette? Yeah, they all die. You're so lucky you didn't die, your car didn't blow up, and the gas station didn't blow up. One if not all of those three things could have happened because of sheer stupidity. Did you forget that gasoline is flammable? Apparently you never actually knew. Here's your t-shirt pyro, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

That's Gotta Hurt...

Ouch, off one dudes ass and into the other dudes nuts. Sounds like prison to me. I mean I don't know what guy would say yes to letting another guy kick a soccer ball off his ass. Don't know about you but that seems kind of weird to me. And then the moron standing to the side. Is there any need for you to be standing that close to your bent over friend? Not quite. And lastly, I would have loved to see someone or something take out the camera guy for that annoying fucking laugh. It doesn't even sound like a real laugh, it just sounds like someone gasping for air. Questionable soccer bro's right here playing with each other. Looks a lot worse than it sounds too.

Thursday: Things I Wish I Could Tell My Girlfriend

This Week:

39) Yes, that outfit does make you look like a slut.

Previous Weeks:

1) You should've seen this chick I banged last night

2) Bet your ass that when we break up I'm gonna try and bang all your hot friends

3) I slept with your best friend

4) You look fat in those jeans

5) I've had better

6) All your guy friends are trying to nail you

7) You've gained a few pounds

8) I can't believe you let me go raw right away

9) Your sister is hotter than you

10) Let's have a threesome with your Mom because she didn't mind having sex with me yesterday

11) I totally forgot to pull out last night

12) The number of girls I've had sex with is about three times more than you think it is

13) You're not that hot

14) Your best friend is the biggest bitch I know

15) He calls you because he wants to bang you

16) I would go to jail to bang your brother's 16 year old girlfriend

17) You shouldn't be wearing that slutty outfit when I'm not around

18) I'm a great wing man

19) You give sub par head

20) How come I never actually get anything out of Valentine's Day?

21) Who wouldn't want to have sex with me?

22) Your performance in bed last night was not the usual

23) I can read you like a book

24) I get a hall pass this weekend right?

25) My dick is like a ten foot strand of fly tape, whenever I walk into a room vaginas just stick to it

26) There's a good chance of me being able to have sex with someone other than you this weekend

27) Is there a threesome with your hot friend in the foreseeable future?

28) What's your thoughts on the rusty trombone?

29) Your bitch friend is just mad because we have awesome sex and she hasn't been laid in years

30) I'm slipping it in your butt without asking one of these days

31) Your DUFF has to go, she's scaring my friends away

32) I don't actually cum half the time

33) At least give me a warning before you decide to tickle my butthole

34) Is a few minutes of 69 so much to ask for?

35) BJ's need to become a more vital part of the relationship

36) Don't be surprised when you get the shocker next time we're together

37) My goal is to make sure you can't walk normal tomorrow

38) If you wanna please me you'll go with the sun dress, if you wanna please the other vultures walking around with their tongues out staring at you, you'll go with the slutty short shorts.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Chicken Caesar Salad

Late Night Programming: Who Is J.O.B.?

Late Night Song: Mr. Jones And Me by Counting Crows

Fun Fact: The average person falls asleep in seven minutes...I'm out in two and you can ask anyone who's ever roomed with me.

Late Night Video:

Betz Of The Day

Today's Games

MLB:

Brewers vs Reds

Dodgers vs Giants

D'Backs vs Braves (under 8)

Dude Rips A Fart By His Neighbors Door, Neighbor Pulls A Gun

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/26/daniel-collins-neighbor-farting-gun_n_1628761.html

What happens when your neighbor scoots by your door and decides to break wind? Well if you're this guy up top you pull out a revolver and tell him that you're gonna put a hole in his head. Come on, you can't tell me the sound of this doesn't make you at least chuckle a little bit. The fact that his neighbor had the balls to rip ass in front of his door just makes me smile. And the fact that this jackass pulled on gun on the guy for farting makes me smile even more. I guess that's what you get when you live in New Jersey, you're just so pissed off that the air smells like shit that you just get even more mad when someone adds to it. I hope this story made you laugh as much as it made me.

Why Is Everyone Making A Big Deal Out Of The DeWayne Wise "Catch" Last Night?

I'm having a hard time figuring out why everyone is making a big deal out of the DeWayne Wise no catch last night. Should the ump have asked to see the baseball? Yes. Did it really matter at that point in the game? No. The guy up at bat sucked and was probably gonna make out within the next two pitches anyway. No big deal. I think it was 4-1 at that point too, which then got extended to 6-1. The only reason it was 6-4 is because of a three run homer in the ninth that was the rally killer anyway. It's not like this play had a big bearing, or any bearing for that matter on the outcome. Terrible job by the ump but it's not even worth being talked about.

Sidenote: Smooth move by the fan who picked the ball up off the floor. Quick thinking. Crack yourself open a Keystone Light sir. Always smooth.

530 In The Morning Is An Awfully Early Time To Call Just To Talk

A chick who my friend is talking to was telling me a story about a girl he's banging who called him at 530 in the morning the other day just to talk because she thought he was up. Hun, it's 5:30 in the fucking morning unless you need to be bailed out of jail or you're stuck in a ditch somewhere there really is no reason to call.

You thought he was up? Okay, well look at it this way. The sun hasn't even come up yet. Even if he's technically awake, he's still in the process of getting up. Therefore, you shouldn't be calling. I'm pretty sure there's not a guy on the planet who would call up a chick at 5:30 in the morning literally just to talk. And if there is, he's a pussy.

I mean come on, you really couldn't think of any time that would have been better to call him? I can think of about twelve to fifteen other times off the top of my head that would have been better. You're not even calling him to tell him that he left a BJ at your place and he should come get it. You're calling for small talk. No chance that's happening that early in the morning.

Finally, how much of a shit fit would your ass throw if he called you that early? You would be so pissed off and probably wouldn't talk to him all day because you'd be so mad at him for calling you that early. But you know what? That's just what women do. They bitch and moan and then when it happens to them they cry about it. How about you just sleep a little later and next time call anytime after nine. When you can do that, a guy might actually like you.

Why Is She Laughing After Everything She Says?

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with a chick who laughs after everything that she says? Yeah, I have and it's the most annoying conversation on the planet. You actually get confused as you're sitting there talking. Confused because you really have no idea what this girl finds so fucking funny every ten seconds.

When I say laughing after everything she says I mean literally everything. She'll talk, then give you an explanation on what she was talking about and then she just ends with a laugh. She literally sounds like the fakest person on the planet because the laugh is fake 90% of the time. You don't know if she's doing it because she thinks she just needs to do it, or because she thinks something is funny. All you really want to do is is deliver a haymaker right to her suck hole.

Another thing about this chick who laughs after everything she says is that she is ALWAYS talking about herself. There is never a time when the conversation ever moves to being remotely about you and if you bring something up about yourself she just tries to one up you with an amazing statistic about herself. She also makes herself out to be the damsel in distress and tries to convince everyone that she doesn't fully understand what she's doing.

Have you ever met a girl like this? Doesn't it make you want to just put a pillow over her face while she's sleeping? Yes. There's nothing worse than a girl who talks about herself and then feels the need to laugh at the end of every sentence. Add to that an uncanny ability to purposely make herself sound dumber than she really is and you almost have a female who is completely untouchable. Ladies, don't be this chick.