Late Night Menu: Spinach Artichoke Dip
Late Night Programming: Bridesmaids
Late Night Song: Sail Away by The Styx
Fun Fact: I despise Andres Torres
Late Night Video:
Monday, April 30, 2012
Draft Disappointment Monday: Who Still Has A Girlfriend?
NFL Draft weekend is over. All around America people are consoling their loved ones that didn’t get drafted and just had their dreams shattered. Everyone’s talking about how crazy emotional it is for the players that have been put through this. Well, I’m sure it’s tough for them, but what I’m thinking about is: who still has a girlfriend after this weekend?
Seriously, think about the star athletes at college. They’ve all got at least 3 or 4 girls ready to throw panties at a moment’s notice. Why? Because these girls are secretly hoping that one day when he makes it to the big time, she’ll be the one who was “there from the beginning.” Sure, athletes put a lot of work into their craft, but these girls have been working on a game plan since day one to make it to the Trophy Wife Superbowl. You think the guys that get rejected are sad? Try realizing that you just spent four years dropping dome on some kid that’s never making it to the dome. Talk about a let down. Although I do feel bad for the guys that think they can cry on their girlfriends shoulder only to realize her gold digging ass has moved on. Then again, your dumb ass probably should have realized this chick wasn’t with you because you have an award winning personality.
But in all seriousness, this is hugely untapped potential for the NFL. Fuck canceling the Pro Bowl, replace it with a Trophy Wife Superbowl. Fighting to be athlete arm candy is probably one of the most competitive sports in the world. Hot women just battling each other for who gets to have sex with the quarterback at the end of the day, who wouldn’t watch that? Someone get me a job with the NFL, I’ll make this happen.
Is Chris Kreider The Answer For The Rangers?
Is Chris Kreider the answer for the Rangers in this year's Stanley Cup Playoffs? With Marian Gaborik absolutely nowhere to be found the Rangers have been relying on Lundqvist to stand on his head and defensemen to score goals. That's not the way you're going to win a Stanley Cup. But what has happened in their last three games that has been a rejuvenation of hope for fans is the newly 21 year old phenom Chris Kreider is making a name for himself right now. The kid that was playing and winning championships for Boston College three weeks ago is now scoring big goals in the NHL Playoffs for the number one seed in the east. Not only that, but if you've been watching, Kreider has undoubtedly been the best player on the ice the last two games. Game 7 against Ottawa he was hands down the best player on the ice and in Game 1 against Washington on Saturday it was the same thing. Maybe he's too young to realize the stage that he's playing on, or maybe he just shows up and thrives on the big games. But there's one thing for sure, he's given this team a shot of life and a new confidence to the fan base. I know I said they were done last week, but with this kid added into the mix it's given me a glimmer of hope. And he's yet to play his best hockey.
Sidenote: My offer will stand for tonight, if Gaborik scores, all my twitter, facebook and instagram followers get free t-shirts of their choice.
Twitter: @thtalkofthetown
Instagram: thtalkofthetown
Facebook: Hammer 41 & Associates at Talk of the Town
Betz Of The Day
W-L: 23-22
Friday's Games: 1-2
Today's Games
MLB:
Astros vs Mets
Orioles vs Yankees
Mariners vs Rays (under 7)
Friday's Games: 1-2
Today's Games
MLB:
Astros vs Mets
Orioles vs Yankees
Mariners vs Rays (under 7)
Kirk Nieuwenhuis Should Be The Every Day Center Fielder For The Mets
I don't think there is any analyst, fan, or player out there who has watched the Mets this year that seriously thinks Andres Torres deserves to come right back and be he starting center fielder after what this kid Nieuwenhuis has done the last month. The kid plays an awesome center field, he's made some catches the last few weeks that I don't think I have seen a Mets center fielder make since I can remember watching them. And that's not ever, let's say in the last twenty years. And no, Endy Chavez's catch was in left field in the 06 LCS so you can suck me. Secondly, he's hitting .316 with a .381 on base percentage. I know it's only been a month, but that's way better numbers than you're gonna get from Andres fucking Torres ever. If there's one thing I've learned about baseball it's that a guys stats never lie. He's a career .243 hitter and he's never played in more than 139 games. Also, his career on base percentage is .318. And this fucking guy's gonna hit lead off for you? He's the same thing as Angel Pagan. Release him and send him somewhere that's not Citi Field. You're trying to rebuild a franchise and you're not gonna do it with a 34 year old center fielder who leads off and never gets on base. Nieuwenhuis needs to be the starter and it's not even debatable. Yeah he'll go through some growing pains, but I'd rather watch him make mistakes and grow than watch Torres hit .220 and be a waste of an at bat. Please, Terry Collins, man up and do what's better for the team. And what's better for the team isn't Torres.
Dude Suing BMW Over 20 Month Erection...
So a guy bought a BMW motorcycle, rode that motorcycle, and once he got off his cock just wouldn't go down. This man is suing BMW because he claims the bike he bought has caused him an erection that's lasted for 20 months. And it's causing him "emotional distress". Emotional distress because you have a boner? Do you know how many men in their mid fifties who pop three Cialis a day would pay to have your problem? Dude just grab a stack of singles and go to the strip club. I'm pretty sure that erection would be well taken care of in a matter of hours. 20 months? Who are you kidding guy? Does BMW look like they have the word ASSHOLE tattooed across their foreheads? My money is on you not winning this case. But on a lighter note, BMW probably just sold out of motorcycles in a matter of minutes.
Too Much Skin At The White House This Past Weekend? Let B Slata Fill You In
So the White House Correspondents Dinner was this past
weekend, and keeping with American tradition all the news stories the next day
are about who showed the most skin at the event. This year Rosario Dawson
is under attack for showing too much boob at the “conservative” dinner. I
won’t even get in to how ridiculous it is that this is what is being reported
on, because something else in the article caught my eye. When looking at
the “celebrity” guests for the night, guess who was there by invitation of Fox
News? LINDSAY LOHAN. Yes that’s right, Lindsay Lohan got invited to the
White House for one of the most prestigious events of the year. Does no
one else see a problem with this? Who cares if Rosario Dawson showed up naked
and tried to give Obama a lap dance? Lindsay Lohan got invited to sit next to
American heroes like Captain Sully. And here is the shock to (no one), she also
showed up in a low cut revealing outfit. It’s bad enough the
Kardashians were there but really, Lindsay Lohan? I try not to get too
political on here but for all the people out there who love Fox News, that’s
who your network chose to represent them…I’ll let that sink in before I get a
flood of hate mail.
Sidenote: This is Steve speaking in the sidenote, but if Lindsay Lohan can swing an invite to this thing, me and B Slata should be able to swing an invite to this thing.
He's Not Harmless...
Isn't that so funny? That guy who happens to be that girls straight gay best friend. You know the girls who say things like, "Oh he's harmless he's like my gay best friend." One problem with that, he's straight. Therefore, his penis thinks about vagina and not guy's assholes. Therefore, your thoughts on him being harmless are completely off.
I'm sure the guy in the picture up here seems harmless to all of you, but unfortunately he is not harmless. Why is he not harmless? He's a fucking guy. Other than food and sports what is the most frequent thing that runs through guy's minds? It's quite simple, that would be women. Guys think about having sex with girls about seventy times a minute on average. That's the average. That means there are horn dogs out there who think about it way more than that.
Where am I going with this? That friend of yours who you proclaim as harmless, isn't harmless. Why? Because he wants to fuck you. Today should be considered He Wants To Fuck You Monday, because that's what I'm rolling with today. Sure he's laid in bed with you and not tried to make a move, and sure he asks you how that guy is that you're currently with, but that doesn't mean he's harmless. Like I have already stated, he's a guy, he thinks with his cock.
You know when he's not gonna be harmless? At 3am when you call him to drive you home while you're blackout drunk and he's asking you for a lap nap on the way. Is he still gonna be harmless after that? No. So girls, what have we learned from this Monday? Unless he's sucking dick, he's trying to bang you.
He Has A Girlfriend Is The Worst Excuse Ever...
Don't you just love naive women? You know those women who have boyfriends and make a friend with a guy who happens to have a girlfriend and they think it's just a friendly thing that's going on. Ladies, are you really that stupid? You really can't see what's going on there can you? You really think that he just wants to be friends.
Girls, just because he has a boyfriend doesn't mean he doesn't want to fuck you. He's not coming to you with problems about his girlfriend because he thinks you're the only person who can help him. It's more like him letting you know what his situation is and where he stands with her. If he's having problems with his girl and you're having problems with your guy, just wait for that drunken night. It's really not a mistake that he's fucking you while you're drunk, it was bound to happen. He's the clean up hitter in an 0-2 hole fouling off good pitches and waiting for that hanging curve he can rip out of the park. That's the mistake he's waiting on.
No offense girls, but what do you bring to the table that's so good that this guy just wants to be friends with you? Trust me, it's not your personality, it's your vagina. You're just on the back burner. It's his way of keeping his options open while he's with his girlfriend. You're next on the depth chart if his starter gets hurt, you're in. Don't think that just because he has a girlfriend means anything, guess what? It doesn't.
Can you girls stop being naive thinking that guy doesn't want to fuck you just because he has a girlfriend? It doesn't mean anything to him. Guys are schemers, they scheme, that's what they do. He's just scheming his way to get in your pants once he's done with this chick. It's not rocket science, it's just common sense. If he doesn't suck dick, he's interested in you. It's just the way it is.
When Did Sammy Sosa Become White?
Okay, so the question that has been burning in the minds of people for the longest time now has to be when the fuck did Sammy Sosa become white? Like that's not an instagramed or photoshopped picture of him, that's actually him. He's fucking white. When the fuck did this happen? It's actually scary looking, he looks albino. I didn't know there could be albino dominicans, but clearly this could happen. Like if I was writing a horror movie, my killer would probably look like the white Sammy Sosa. He pulled a fucking Michael Jackson with this one. Just going from your run of the mill black guy to your not so run of the mill white guy. I'm in dire need of knowing how this works, and I need to know immediately. Someone please get back to me with this stunning development. And if you see him in your neighborhood, just be on the look out. Actually now that I look at him a bit more I see more of an It the clown look to him more than anything else. Looks like this could be the title of a new book: From Home Run Champ to Ashy Larry, The Downfall of a Major Leaguer.
Is There One Person Who Actually Thinks The Knicks Have A Chance?
Asshole(s) Of The Day
Can I ask what the fuck the reasoning would be to just decide to get a tan in the middle of the street? There wasn't a nice patch of grass you could lay on or something along those lines? I mean anything other than the middle of the street would have most likely sufficed. But what happens when you tan in the middle of the street and fall asleep? Well, funny you should ask that because what happens is a car comes and runs you the fuck over. Then you and your friend get rushed to the hospital because well you got ran over and usually something gets fucked up when you get run over. On a scale of 1 to 10 my sympathy for you is zero. I'll make the t-shirts a couple of sized bigger so they can fit over your body casts. I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dancing Like No One's Watching, Literally
The guy tap dancing on the train himself is not that funny. But once you start watching everyone around him, you can see the humor in this. The dude on he left isn't even awake and the people to the right are just having their own conversation as this is going on. The term dance like no one's watching definitely applies to this kid, because in his case, there is literally no one watching.
Monday: Movie Clip Of The Week
Everyone loves themselves a little movie clip from Knocked Up every now and then. Just when you thought your week was gonna start off on the wrong foot you watch this and realize it's not gonna be so bad. Then you look outside and realize there's not a cloud in the sky and today is gonna be an awesome day and this week is gonna be an awesome week. It's basically May mother fuckers, and Memorial Day and the summer are knocking on the door. Let's get ready to go.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Sit On My Face Sunday's: The Girlfriends Of Boy Meets World
VS
Not gonna lie, not a very intriguing match up here as I would think that Topanga and Angela from Boy Meets World would be hotter, but now that I'm older and apparently have better eyesight I'm not all that impressed with either of them. Regardless, let's look at the match up because in reality, who doesn't like getting their face sat on? Angela, Sean's girlfriend up top vs Topanga, Cory's girlfriend on the bottom. Although when things first started out Topanga was like the moon goddess of that show. However, once she got older she started to hit that big weight gain. Angela on the other hand kind of burst onto the scene with Sean and never ate her way into needing a treadmill. Topanga's weight gain did hurt her, and that's why I'm going with Angela. At least I know what I'm gonna get while she's sitting on my face, and Sean was not up in that nearly as long as Cory was up in Topanga, so it might still be somewhat decent looking. Score one for Angela in this round.
Friday, April 27, 2012
The Late Night Special
Late Night Menu: Bacon Cheeseburger with Onion Rings
Late Night Programming: Air Bud
Late Night Song: Levels by Avicii
Fun Fact: I'm gonna be hammered by the time you're reading this
Late Night Video:
Betz Of The Day
W-L: 22-20
Yesterday's Games: 4-2
Today's Games
MLB:
Cubs vs Phillies
Rays vs Rangers
A's vs Orioles (under 8)
Yesterday's Games: 4-2
Today's Games
MLB:
Cubs vs Phillies
Rays vs Rangers
A's vs Orioles (under 8)
Why Would She Make The Phone Call?
Alright so I have this friend who received a phone call the other day from this girl. Now before I tell you what happened let me tell you about the girl. How do they know each other? Oh, funny you should ask that. Take it back a few months and she was blowing him mid afternoon in his bedroom. There you have the ins and outs of how they know each other.
Now on to the story. My friend receives a phone call from this chick a couple of days ago. They haven't spoke in months, yet she made this mystery phone call. What was the phone call about? Because apparently my friend was at a red light, she pulled up next to him and he didn't see her. She called to say, "Thanks for not saying hi to me."
Later on, thinking about this phone call my friend texts her saying what's up and makes a joke telling her she should come over tomorrow during the day. She writes back, "Haha very funny, I'm dating someone now!" When I heard this I almost fucking lost it. If you're dating someone bitch, why the fuck are you even making the phone call? Am I over reacting to this? I don't think so. What the fuck is the point to make the phone call? You sucked this kid's dick, you're now dating someone else, why is it necessary to call him to say thanks for not saying hi while you two were at a red light?
If you're not gonna want to suck his dick again anytime in the near future, why make the call? Is there something that just goes off in your brain that says, "I'm craving attention, I need some now." If you're dating someone there is absolutely no reason to make that phone call. You need your fucking head examined. Just another example of another dumb broad. Girls, this is the shit that pisses us off. If your boyfriend found out you called this kid, he would go nuts. You might think there's nothing wrong with it but look at the facts. His cock was in your mouth, unless you're putting it back in there, there's absolutely no reason to make a phone call.
Should Women Be Allowed To Get Hit?
Am I completely wrong when I say that women can be the biggest assholes on the face of the earth? No, you know why? Because women get to do and say anything they want to any guy out there knowing full well that there are absolutely no physical repercussions for their actions.
For instance, your girlfriend gets you this beautiful signed picture of one of your favorite baseball players, has it framed for you and everything. Then suddenly you get into a fight one night and she rips it off your wall and smashes that fucking thing into the ground. You're telling me she doesn't deserve to get hit for that? I don't condone hitting women, but that doesn't mean that I don't think they don't deserve to be hit for doing asshole things.
Like look at it from a guys point of view. Could you imagine if we could say whatever we wanted to people without any physical repercussions? I would be saying anything I wanted to anyone out there. But I can't do that because if I speak my mind and tell that guy he looks like a total fucking asshole in those skinny jeans, I probably get hit. Not that I wouldn't kick his ass after he hit me because if I got my ass beat by a dude wearing skinny jeans I would give up on life. But that's not the point. The point is that I can't say that otherwise I'm getting punched in the face.
But you women can do or say anything you want. So that begs the question, should women be allowed to get hit? I think yes, but not by men. I think there should be a separate division in the police department strictly for asshole women. If a women does something cunty to you, you just call up this division of the police department and a woman comes down and kicks their ass. This way you're not the guy known as a woman beater, and she learns her lesson. Killing two birds with one stone right here. Yes ladies, you do deserve to get hit all the time, and you should be allowed to get hit when warranted. We know you get special privileges because you have vagina's but this should be a rule put in affect immediately. When warranted, you should be allowed to get hit.
I Had No Idea There Was An App For Sex Offenders
This was brought to my attention the other night by a very hilarious asian man. This isn't even a joke, there really is an app for sex offenders. Like there is no hiding anymore. If you have kids, you just download this app and suddenly every sex offender in your area comes up with all these red dots.
Wait, it gets better. You then click on the dot and their creepy ass picture comes up with their statistics, you know the usual stats just height, weight, ethnicity, age, hometown and all that good stuff. And then here's the kicker, it tells you what they did, and how old their victim was. This shit doesn't fuck around. If they had this years back Jerry Sandusky would've been all over this shit.
Like really, who would've thought they'd have an app for sex offenders? Just the app people making your neighborhood safe. If you suspect your creepy neighbor of sodomizing a nine year old, you just put it in your phone and you can see if he sodomized a nine year old. Shit is so crazy I can't even deal with it. What's next? Possibly an app to tell you where all the hookers and drug dealers roam the streets at night time. That's my guess.
Asshole Of The Day Award
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/cops_hunting_hooker_who_stole_in_iz5bZFuqMBIAm0mZ31wFQK
The cops are on the lookout for a hooker who stole $500,000 worth of diamonds from some guy. Now as easy as it would be for me to give her the Asshole Of The Day Award I'm not going to do that because that wouldn't do justice in this case. I'm giving the award to the guy she stole the diamonds from. Why? Because she's a hooker. He banged her in a hotel room. After that he fell asleep while she was still awake. While he was sleeping, she stole his briefcase of diamonds. Guy, are you out of your mind. Why would you fall asleep with a hooker in the room when you have valuable shit laying around. You deserve to get your shit stolen. She's a hooker, she mouth bangs dudes for money, there is nothing about that that says trustworthy. Here's your t-shirt, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.
Who Wants To Bet Me He Can't Do This Ever Again?
Come on with this, this is just unrealistic. I don't doubt that he actually did make the shot I just doubt that he could ever do it again. Even he was shaking his head afterwards like he didn't know what the fuck happened. I mean it's not like this is practiced on a regular basis to just throw it behind your back and drain it from half court. The one thing we do know from this is simple, his pussy quota just jumped up at least 30%. After hitting a shot like this in Europe, the ladies are just throwing their panties at you.
Defriendment Friday's
See ya...
Steve the Hammer
The Culprit: Kirstin (last name removed)
Status that broke the camel's back: Omg it feels amazing to be back at the gym! Now hopefully I can lose some weight so I can fit into all my new bikinis I just bought for vaca!!!
Reason for Defriendment: Right, because you're so fucking huge to begin with that you need to worry about that whole losing weight thing. And if you're vacation is close enough for you to be buying new bikinis for, chances are probably that you don't really have a whole lot of time to lose that weight. Get a clue you dumb broad. Bye bye.
Steve the Hammer
The Culprit: Kirstin (last name removed)
Status that broke the camel's back: Omg it feels amazing to be back at the gym! Now hopefully I can lose some weight so I can fit into all my new bikinis I just bought for vaca!!!
Reason for Defriendment: Right, because you're so fucking huge to begin with that you need to worry about that whole losing weight thing. And if you're vacation is close enough for you to be buying new bikinis for, chances are probably that you don't really have a whole lot of time to lose that weight. Get a clue you dumb broad. Bye bye.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
The Late Night Special
Late Night Menu: Deep Dish Pizza
Late Night Programming: Pizza Paradise (Travel Channel)
Late Night Song: Somewhere With You by Kenny Chesney
Fun Fact: Regardless of outcome, nothing beats playoff hockey
Late Night Video:
Party Song Of The Weekend
Okay before I begin let me just say that if you're a guy and you say you don't like Call Me Maybe you're a lying sack of shit. That song is a rage fest waiting to happen and no one can even deny that shit. This is the Vision Remix of Call Me Maybe and it's a jam. Just making me wanna get all sorts of fucked up and do body shots off of girls who dance on top of the bar. All you college seniors have like three weeks to go , it's not time to fuck everything else, and get your party on until you're out of there. Take this with you and get ready to go hard up until graduation day. Just make sure you don't die.
Is Slothy Dead?
Has anyone seen the man known as Slothy anytime in recent memory? I mean forget about just writing for the blog, how about a text, a phone call even a fucking carrier pigeon would be nice. Am I that much of a duechbag boss that he can't even just check in to say hello?
All I heard all winter was how he was blaming baseball for his absence. I mean this is coming from a guy who's ERA is over 6, how hard can baseball really be? Yeah my career batting average may be in the .250's, but I at least stayed in contact with people while I was getting K'd left and right. This guy doesn't even wanna talk to family members.
So I ask, is Slothy dead? Are we going to have a report that we've found the Sloth face down in a drained pool somewhere in the near future? If anyone has seen him please call 1-800-PINSTRAIGHTFASTBALL that's right 1-800-PINSTRAIGHTFASTBALL. If we can gather any information at all on our lost boy it would be greatly appreciated.
Sidenote: Sticking with the baseball theme I've been thinking of some new t-shirts. Blue shirt with red lettering, on the front it says From LSD to MVP and on the back Hamilton #32. Think about it, it could be the best seller out there.
Betz Of The Day
W-L: 18-18
Yesterday's Games: 2-4
Today's Games
MLB:
Nationals vs Padres
Blue Jays vs Orioles (under 9.5)
Red Sox vs White Sox
NBA:
Nuggets vs Timberwolves (+8.5)
Cavs (+15) vs Bulls
Blazers vs Jazz (under 196)
Yesterday's Games: 2-4
Today's Games
MLB:
Nationals vs Padres
Blue Jays vs Orioles (under 9.5)
Red Sox vs White Sox
NBA:
Nuggets vs Timberwolves (+8.5)
Cavs (+15) vs Bulls
Blazers vs Jazz (under 196)
Friends With Benefits: Who Gets More Attached, Daddy's Rebuttal
Well played B Slata, well played. However, I'm here to tell all you Justin Timberlake loving bitches that it's you who gets more attached during the friends with benefits agreement. While B Slata made some good points, there are a couple of things that she failed to bring up.
First and foremost, she must've been talking about a small percentage of guys who actually get attached. Any smart guy in a friends with benefits agreement knows that you treat the girl like exactly what she is, a friend who you fuck whenever you're both available. I mean let's be smart here, you don't text or call this girl because you want to hang out. You text her when you're hammered at 2am to come over, have sex and then be on her merry way. We keep it as a girl that we're just fucking, it's the girls who actually think we're interested because we give them the attention of texting them. Once you give a girl attention, she magically thinks you want more than what it is.
The second point mentioned I believe was jealousy. You want to talk about jealousy? WOMEN ARE THE MOST JEALOUS CREATURES TO EVER WALK THE PLANET! And that isn't even an opinion, that is a fact. When a girl goes out and sees a guy she's interested in with someone else, the first comment out of her mouth is always something along the lines of trashing the girl he's with. Add being drunk on top of that and you're in for a battle it out like you're in a relationship type of fight. But guess what? The guy doesn't give a fuck, you're just the chick that he fucks, you're not his girlfriend. You might think that he had plans to make you his girlfriend, but look at the evidence here. He doesn't text you earlier than midnight, he's drunk 95% of the time, and the only place you hang out is his or your bedroom. What are you really?
Although guys might fall harder and faster, guys also have the ability to put up that wall to separate that friend with benefits from someone we actually like. If we're fucking you it doesn't mean we enjoy spending time with you. We just enjoy fucking you. A guy is never gonna ask his friend with benefits for anything more than sex. And if you're on the don't ask, don't tell basis, the guy really doesn't give a shit. He can stop talking to you at the drop of a hat. Fella's, you have anything else to add to this?
Friends With Benefits: Who Gets More Attached?
We go back and forth all the time on this blog about who's more crazy when in comes to romantic relationships. Today I'm going to put a little twist on that. Who get's more attached when it comes to friends with benefits? Now I know what most of you are thinking, it's definitely, always the girl. But take a minute to think about this and realize that's not true.
Before I start this, let me lay some groundwork. I'm talking about two people who mutually agree to have sex without any commitment to one another. Sometimes a girl (or occasionally, a guy) will say they'll just have sex with someone, secretly hoping that person will fall for them. I'm not talking about those crazy bitches (it doesn't work, it's never going to work).
So now we have two people just fucking. Every guy thinks this is his dream come true. Well you know what they say, be careful what you wish for because most guys can't handle being friends with benefits for a long time. Why? Because men cannot STAND the thought that a girl isn't interested in him. Doesn't matter if he likes the chick or not, he will not be able to handle the fact that some broad doesn't want to have his babies. It's in every guy's brain that if we are having sex with you, it must mean we like you. So when it's 3 months later and we don't show the slightest interest in dating you, your brain starts to go haywire. Again, it doesn't matter if he likes the chick or not, he just wants to make sure SHE likes HIM.
Guys also can't handle when a girl isn't monogamous. Even if you're just friends, he thinks you're only going to be sleeping with him. Have you ever met a girl that just wants ass? She will treat you like the drive through window at McDonalds: as a late night snack you hope you don't remember in the morning. Even in relationships- if a guy cheats on a girl she gets sad (or if she's smart, even) If a girl cheats on a guy his head fucking explodes. But if you've agreed to just be friends it shouldn't matter. Jealousy is a form of attachment my friends.
Trust me on this, guys can only handle just sex for a few weeks, max. Eventually he will either move on because he can't handle it or will start obsessing over how to get the girl to like him (usually so he can be the one to dump her first). And it's a SOLID FACT that men fall in love harder and faster than women (yes, go look it up). Hollywood already caught on to this trend. In every movie about FWB who's the big pussy? The guy. Ladies, back me up on this please.
Asshole Of The Day Award
Genius! Genius! Genius! Awesome idea by this lady, I have no idea why anyone has ever thought of this before. Living off nothing but sunlight, no water, no food just sunlight on your spiritual journey. One problem with that one...You end up dying of starvation. Do I feel any remorse for this woman at all? Absolutely not. You got all the spiritual journey you want now that you're dead. Here's your t-shirt, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.
Don't Steal Bikes Bro
Dude carrying around his own helmet trying to pull a fast one on these mother fuckers and steal a bike when he they find him and kick the shit out of him. Can everyone tell me what the lesson we learned from this was? The lesson was simple, don't steal bikes bro. Says the camera man who kicked him while he was on the floor because that's what makes you tough.
Sidenote: The fact that he got beat up by the dude in the black and white striped shirt just means he has no balls. You can't let a guy with a fohawk kick your ass.
Thursday: Things I Wish I Could Tell My Girlfriend
This Week:
30) I'm slipping it in your butt without asking one of these days
Previous Weeks:
1) You should've seen this chick I banged last night
2) Bet your ass that when we break up I'm gonna try and bang all your hot friends
3) I slept with your best friend
4) You look fat in those jeans
5) I've had better
6) All your guy friends are trying to nail you
7) You've gained a few pounds
8) I can't believe you let me go raw right away
9) Your sister is hotter than you
10) Let's have a threesome with your Mom because she didn't mind having sex with me yesterday
11) I totally forgot to pull out last night
12) The number of girls I've had sex with is about three times more than you think it is
13) You're not that hot
14) Your best friend is the biggest bitch I know
15) He calls you because he wants to bang you
16) I would go to jail to bang your brother's 16 year old girlfriend
17) You shouldn't be wearing that slutty outfit when I'm not around
18) I'm a great wing man
19) You give sub par head
20) How come I never actually get anything out of Valentine's Day?
21) Who wouldn't want to have sex with me?
22) Your performance in bed last night was not the usual
23) I can read you like a book
24) I get a hall pass this weekend right?
25) My dick is like a ten foot strand of fly tape, whenever I walk into a room vaginas just stick to it
26) There's a good chance of me being able to have sex with someone other than you this weekend
27) Is there a threesome with your hot friend in the foreseeable future?
28) What's your thoughts on the rusty trombone?
29) Your bitch friend is just mad because we have awesome sex and she hasn't been laid in years
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
The Late Night Special
Late Night Menu: Cold Pigs In The Blanket
Late Night Programming: Saturday Night Live Best Of Will Ferrell
Late Night Song: Crazy Train by Ozzie Osbourne
Fun Fact: Nothing is better than the NHL Playoffs
Late Night Video:
Betz Of The Day
W-L: 16-14
Yesterday's Games: 2-4
Today's Games
MLB:
White Sox vs A's
Braves vs Dodgers
Blue Jays vs Orioles (under 8.5)
NBA:
Magic (-14.5) vs Bobcats
Wizards vs Cavs (over 195)
76ers (-6.5) vs Bucks
Yesterday's Games: 2-4
Today's Games
MLB:
White Sox vs A's
Braves vs Dodgers
Blue Jays vs Orioles (under 8.5)
NBA:
Magic (-14.5) vs Bobcats
Wizards vs Cavs (over 195)
76ers (-6.5) vs Bucks
Sometimes You Just Have To Be Mad
Have you ever heard the saying that sometimes you just have to be mad? I didn't hear it before yesterday and it makes perfect sense. Pissed off that your boyfriend or girlfriend just broke up with you? Well, that's the time when you just have to be mad. It's not the time to get upset and feel sorry for yourself in the corner, it's the time to get pissed off.
Everyone wonders why they always see a guy being an absolute savage when he's out. He goes out for the soul purpose of getting black out drunk and slaying any vagina that crosses his path. And then there's that girl who's just getting plastered and hops up on the bar and makes dudes take body shots off of her. What happened that makes them this way? It's a simple answer, it's an ex.
Do you think that guy was always out slaying 3's and 4's just because he got drunk and he could do it? Not at all. That guy always had standards. He had standards, made a chick his girlfriend and then she fucked him over. Now he has no standards and is just an absolute savage. He'd let Rosie O'Donnell sit on his face with the right amount of alcohol in him.
Do you think that girl was always getting bukkaked in the bathroom by four dudes? No, she also had standards and was into relationships. Suddenly her guy cheated on her and now while she's getting nailed in the ass the only thing going through her head is, "You know what would be great right now? Two cocks in my ass!" Trust me, there's always a reason for people being the way they are. And when you're mad, you're mad. Whether you're a guy who just got cheated on, or a girl who just got dumped; sometimes you just have to be mad.
Reader Email: Do I Text My Ex Girlfriend On Her Birthday?
Reader Email from Steve (Connecticut)
"My ex girlfriend and I ended on not terrible terms but not great terms. We broke up in the fall and haven't seen each other since. My mother got sick a couple of months back and everyone has texted me asking me how she is, including the friends of my ex girlfriend. The only person who didn't text me was her. Now with her birthday coming up I don't know whether to just shoot her a text saying happy birthday, or if I shouldn't even say anything at all. What's your thoughts on this?"
I'll tell you right now, everyone is going to be telling you that she doesn't even deserve your time, and quite honestly she doesn't. That's the biggest cunt move anyone could ever pull. Even if you two hated each other she should've still had the decency to text you to ask how your mother was. With that being said, I would say that you just text her the words "Happy Birthday" nothing less, nothing more. Why? Because she's gonna see that text from you and her heart is gonna sink into her stomach. She's gonna feel like the biggest piece of shit on this planet when she reads that. She might even try and text you and start a conversation back. You don't respond. Your job is done. It's totally up to you and even though she doesn't even deserve you being the bigger person in this situation, wouldn't it make you feel awesome knowing that your ex girlfriend feels like a piece of shit on the street corner? You can do what you want, but that's what I'd do. Why? Because I'm a spiteful fuck.
Readers, what's your thoughts on this situation? Should my man Steve text her just what I said, or should he just not even bother? Give me some comments.
Jason Bay's Latest Injury Could Be A Blessing In Disguise
Good news Mets fans, this latest Jason Bay injury could shorten his time in a Mets uniform. In his contract he has a $17 million vesting option for 2014 but only if he has 500 plate appearances this year and next, or 600 plate appearances next season. This is how we'll really find out how much a higher power hates the Mets. If his stint on the 15 day DL turns into a season ending injury just like his concussion two years ago, someone loves the Mets. But if he returns and gets to 500 plate appearances this year and next year, there's someone of a higher being who absolutely despises the Mets and their fans. In all honesty I would trade this asshole now and get him the fuck out of town. He's been nothing but a waste since he's signed here and things aren't exactly looking up. What I would do is I would give the Pirates a call and tell them listen, he actually hit a little bit when he was with you. Take him, we'll pay half his contract and Mr. Met will be your butler for the rest of the season. We don't want anything in return besides a couple of bats and a few buckets of baseballs. Bay is the latest edition of the $66 million dollar money drop.
Asshole Of The Day Award
A police officer just doing a little hit and run and calling the police department for some help changing his flat...five hours later. And then all hell breaks loose when his fellow officer shows up and finds meth and pot in the car. Really bro? Keeping meth and pot in your cruiser? Bad idea when you're an asshole who's already being sued for an accident in 2007 and now you add a hit and run to it. The stupidity is almost amazing to me here. But hey, the police department's as big of a dick as you, they let you out with no bail and you're on a paid leave of absence throughout the investigation. For that every single one of you morons gets a t-shirt. I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.
The Future Of America...
Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the future of America. Oh it's so high, it's like a cliff and then BOOM! Kid just falls off and eats shit. I actually think I lost brain cells listening to these idiots talk. The best part was after he fell the scream that he just yelped out. He sounded like Will Ferrell in Austin Powers when he falls off the cliff and talks about his broken leg. Speaking of that, I'll post it right here:
Walmart Shopper Wednesday's
I have to honestly say that this is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. The camo cut off sleeve shirt with the confederate flag painted on his face just letting everyone know that he couldn't be more proud to be a redneck. I mean this dude just straight up kills it with this look. All that's missing is a shotgun and a dead raccoon draped over his shoulder.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Late Night Special
Late Night Menu: Chicken Tender Melt with Fries and Honey Mustard
Late Night Programming: Heavyweights
Late Night Song: Summertime by Kenny Chesney
Fun Fact: I despise Jose Reyes
Late Night Video:
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