Building A Women's Celebrity Football Team-Day 13

A little late today but better late than never. Heading to defense we will go to the strong safety position to team up with Jillian Michaels as our last line of defense.

Strong Safety: Beyonce

What the scouts are saying: Beyonce is built for speed and power at the strong safety position. Not only can she cover, but she can also play in the box as a linebacker and blitz the quarterback. She reminds us of Steelers safety Troy Polmalu for her instincts and potential to grow her hair out just like his. No knocks on her, mainly because she’s hot and can dance. Either way, we see this Beyonce as a definite first rounder and an impact player right away.

Just like Troy, she looks nice, but is an animal on the field and we like that.



 

Girls and Their Reasoning

This is a topic talked about by men all around the world I’m sure and I definitely need to get to the bottom of this. Girls, you all have these little reasons to rationalize doing one thing and not the other, yet your reasons make no sense. All I want to know ladies, is what is the theory behind your reasoning?

First, some friends of mine have their booty calls who they will only call between the hours of 2am and 5am while they are shitfaced. These girls are treated like complete objects, yet they always come back around. Watching this from an outsider’s perspective really makes you wonder about shit like this.

So, a friend of mine tells me that his booty call thinks that it is degrading to do doggy style. My question to this is how is a certain sex position degrading when this kid only calls you when he’s drunk on the weekends and wants to have sex? What you’re telling me here is that a certain sex position is degrading; yet only being talked to for sex is totally fine. Can I please find out the theory to this reasoning?

The next thing that girls do that baffles men is the I can’t have sex with the guy I just met because that’s slutty, but I can give him head. I would love to know what dumb fuck came up with this theory. If you didn’t do anything at all, that is respectable. But sucking a guy’s dick does not make you less of a slut than the girl who puts out.

If the dick is between your legs or in your mouth what the fuck is the difference? Is this just one of those peace of mind things that makes you feel better about yourself? This theory makes absolutely no sense to men. I would also love an explanation on this theory if anyone would like to talk about it; but I’m going to assume that girls don’t even know their own reasoning on this one.

Some things that you girls do and say make men go out of their fucking minds. There are only three certain things in life: Death, paying taxes, and never figuring out what goes on inside a woman’s head.

 

Somali Pirates Brought Down in Madagascar?

http://english.cri.cn/6966/2011/02/28/2743s623169.htm

Who would’ve thought that the first country to bring down these Somali pirate motherfuckers would be Madagascar? Is the United States kidding me here? I guess Madagascar finally realized that all these guys weigh about 115 pounds soaking wet and a good gust of wind blows them away. You can’t sit there and tell me that the strongest fucking nation in the world couldn’t go in there and blow these assholes away without a problem when Madafuckinggascar walked in and pimp slapped the shit out of these little fucks. I mean walk in there with a leaf blower and just blow them out of the fucking way. Oh I forgot they have machetes and guns. Throw a sandwich in the corner and watch them kill each other over it. This problem could have been solved months ago.

Fake Doctor Molests and Rapes His Cancer Patients

This is creepy as shit

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2011/02/27/2011-02-27_bogus_cancer_doctor_charged_with_sexually_molesting_his_sedated_cancer_patients_.html

My first question is how many people do you have to piss off to have your bail set at 33 million dollars? You must have to be a complete piece of shit for your bail to be set that fucking high. Long story short is that this creepy fuck told women that he was a doctor who could cure their cancer, and instead, molested every single one of them while they were drugged up. Not that I'm defending this guy by any means, because I think he's a real piece of shit, but can I ask how the fuck you don't know this guy isn't a real doctor? I'm pretty sure a warning signal should go off when he lathers you in yogurt and then sticks a "concoction" up your vagina. Call me crazy, but that sounds more like a Valentines Day treat than a cure for cancer. Just saying.

Asshole of the Day Award

My Asshole of the Day Award goes to this dumb fucking Canadian guy

http://www.montrealgazette.com/news/arrested+Nazi+salute/4357737/story.html

How much more of an asshole could you possibly be? To stand on the steps of the German Parliament building and do the "Hail Hitler" sign, while making your girlfriend take a picture of you, might be the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. This is like my fourth post involving a retard from Canada, like what the fuck is in the drinking water up there? Maybe too many hits to the head playing hockey, I have no fucking clue. So this actually comes as no surprise to me that my Asshole of the Day Award would go to a Canadian, maybe one of these assholes will go to Italy and try to hail Mussolini. I would love to see how that shit turned out. They'd probably burn you at the stake publicly for doing that shit over there.

Should This Woman Be Wearing A Two Piece?

My main question for today is should this woman be wearing a two piece bathing suite at the beach? Not only that, but should this woman even be allowed at the beach? Hopefully this isn't a sign that cellulite will be the "in thing" this beach season. Also, do you think that this woman has the ultimate FUPA? I happen to believe that she is at the bare minimum, top 5 FUPA's of all time. Finally, what the fuck is with the tramp stamp? Come on now, as if you wearing a two piece wasn't bad enough to look at now I have to see that tramp stamp. Side note: Her husband might actually be the guy in the background with the sweet man tits. If that's the case I would hate to see what these two would look like having sex. They probably need two other people for assistance to actually find each other's reproductive organs.

Building A Women's Celebrity Football Team-Day 12

Finally, today we finish out the offensive line and complete the tight knit group that will be protecting our star in the making, Elin Nordegren. Today’s pick is one bad ass bitch and she will literally break yo’ dick off.

Right Tackle: Monique

What the scouts are saying: Mo’Nique is a huge force up front. She has great size and strength and she actually has been known to break guys dicks off. Has been compared to Buccaneers pro bowl tackle Donald Penn for her size and great punch in pass protection. The main knock on her has been eating too much and getting sloppily overweight. We still like her to come in and play right away but that concern is what drops her down to an early third rounder.



This is a huge bitch right here and I would go to war with her on that side of the offensive line any day. Just look at that intimidating face right there.

 

Quote of the Day

"If you're not getting it by 12:30...It's probably not happening"- T.K.

A Badass Once is a Badass For Life

82 year old man gets arrested for assaulting a police officer

http://romenews-tribune.com/view/full_story/11678179/article-Report--82-year-old-man-arrested-for-assaulting-police-officer-?instance=home_news_lead_story

You have to appreciate a dude who at 82 years of age is living life like he's still in college. Let's review this situation. Guy gets drunk, verbally abuses a woman, then tries to beat up the police with a pool stick when they try to arrest him. This sounds like he still thinks he's in college to me. I mean this did happen in Rome and the rumors I hear about that place is that they party hard, but wouldn't you get a bit tired at 82 years old? Which leaves me with my last point: Drunk, cursing at women, and trying to beat up cops is no way to go through life gramps.

Quote of the Day

"I strive for perfection, and you know what...All the time I get it."- J.J. Edwards

Building A Women's Celebrity Football Team-Day 11

Last but not least of the linebacker positions today will be another absolutely crazy bitch. Yes she stars on the TV show Jersey Shore and she bites dudes heads off after she has sex with them.

Outside Linebacker: J-WOW

What the scouts are saying: Great burst off the football and is a pass rushing machine. Not only that, but she is also great in pass coverage because she is athletic with tremendous speed. Reminds us of Brian Cushing for her ability to cover and rip dudes heads off, also because they both have inflated chests. The concern with her is shedding blocks in the running game. That is a low risk concern and you should look for this J-WOW to be off the board early in the second round.

She bites people’s heads off, her chest is on steroids (or silicone); what else do you need?



 

Crazy Bitch Wins 30 Hour Stand Off With Parking Inspector

Now this is a crazy bitch right here

http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/uk-woman-stages-30-hour-standoff-with-parking-inspector/story-e6frfku0-1226012332609

This woman gets her car booted and instead of paying for the ticket, she sits in her car for 30 hours until the parking inspector took the boot off. I have to say, I'm impressed by that. If I'm the parking inspector I probably take the boot off after 10 hours because that's dedication right there. I'm willing to bet this crazy bitch would have stayed out there for three days if that's what it took to get the boot off. Just another sign of the times. Everyone in every country is tight for money right now. In England, they don't pay tickets, they sit there until the ticket gets taken away. I can only imagine what this woman would do to the guy that breaks up with her. She'd probably stand outside his window with the middle finger up for days until he decided he had enough of it. That's a crazy, dedicated bitch right there.

Does Keeping Your Refrigerator Stocked Get You Women?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBRL7D0wcXM

 

According to this guy it does. This video is actually pretty fucking hilarious, but my favorite part has to be at the beginning when he tries telling everyone that his garbage pale is chrome and from Egypt. First of all, everyone has that garbage pale and it isn't chrome. Secondly, it is also not from Egypt. However, the shit he says about fat chicks at the end is also hilarious. I know I make fun of fat chicks a lot but they're just easy targets and I apologize. Actually, that is total bullshit because If I was apologizing I wouldn't keep making fun of the big girls. But I will say big girls need love too, and that's why we harpoon.

Quote of the Day

"I bought these just in case I worked out...so I bought them for no reason."- Hunter Phillips

Why Women Piss Men Off

Women were put on this earth to piss men off. Women piss men off in a variety of ways such as thinking that we are mind readers or doing the opposite of what they say. There are always situations where women piss off men but most of the time the woman is so ignorant and naive to the situation that they don’t even realize what they are doing. Actually, I can’t say they don’t know what they are doing because sometimes they do. However, women can just be so stupid that they don’t even realize when they are leading a guy on and then they get surprised when a guy asks them to come home with them. Now we all know about the dumb sluts who are just looking for drinks and don’t actually have any interest in you. And if that comes as a surprise to any one you or it is the first time you are hearing that then you’re a moron. So now here are some examples of dumb women pissing men off. You will be able to easily spot these types of girls when you go out and you will know to stay away.

Situation number one is the complainer type. This is a girl that you know fairly well and tends to complain to you when you are out. Normally the complaining will start with little stupid things like how shitty her job is or something of that nature. As you continue to talk and care less and less about what she has to say she will then grab your attention by saying how she is the only one out of her friends who doesn’t have a guy. She continues to complain about having no one and almost hints at you to do something about it. When you finally throw something out there about the two of you she gets a shocked look on her face and says things such as, “but we’re too good of friends,” or, “haven’t we tried this before and it didn’t work?” She will then remain shocked about you even bringing anything up about the two of you and will then ignore you for however long it takes for the conversation to blow over.

Situation number two is your typical attention lover. This girl tends to normally have a boyfriend or some sort of boy toy that everyone knows about but she will continue to talk to you and try and lead you on anyway. Once this want to be slut finally sucks you in you will begin giving her the attention she is looking for. The main thing to remember here is that she just wants the attention. If you do not realize this then you are pretty much fucked. You then attempt to finally make the move after this girl has been all over you the entire night and she will say something like, “I can’t do this I have a boyfriend,” or, “I shouldn’t do this, I’m kind of with someone.” However, she will still want to talk to you but you need to remember the term that if you can’t fuck that bitch, then fuck that bitch and move onto the next one.

Finally, situation number three is what I like to call the so-called “independent woman”. This girl is the girl who swears she is not like all the others and who swears that she has morals. That’s a real funny one actually because you know that is all an act because of previous stories you have heard in the past or know about first hand. You know she cheated on her ex-boyfriend multiple times and you know about the random dudes she has had her one night stands with. However, she will put on an act that she is not like that and that she is “strong willed”. And if you talk to her like the slut that she is she will flip out and tell you that she deserves to be respected. Then the more you listen to her talk the more you hate her and the more you want to bang her to prove her theory wrong. Chances are you won’t bang this broad she will just completely piss you off and you will hate everything about her.

These are the three types or women I have noticed throughout my years of study that piss men off. Staying away from these women are the key to getting laid and having a good night out. There are many things that women do to piss men off but these three women hold the key to you shaking your head. Once you are able to recognize and fend off these girls you will be able to have a great night no matter where you go.

 

Building A Women's Celebrity Football Team-Day 10

We are almost done completing the greatest offensive line in the history of football folks and today we go to the right guard position with the star of a former great television show.

Right Guard: Roseanne

What the scouts are saying: This Roseanne is one tremendous football player. She is big and consumes anything that is in her path, not only that but she has the perfect mean streak you need to be an offensive lineman. Also has great strength bench pressing 225 for 40 reps at the combine. Reminds us of 49ers guard Mike Iupati for her incredible man strength. However, the one huge concern is that she is very slow. She is big, but slow and that is the one thing that can hurt her at this level. Still, even with that concern, she is off the board in either the late second or early third round.

She is an absolute tank. With the way this O-line is shaping up we are going to run the ball down everyone’s throat.



 

Rate This Nutshot Friday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKcAbI6T3j4

 

Aside from his friends sounding like fags...not bad

Southern Goggles

Since I got to Florida today I have northernized every girl that I have seen down here. Yes, I just made up a word and what this word means is that every hot girl you see down south; you picture what they would look like up north to see if they would still be hot.

So, you take a southern girl and you start with the question of what would she look like without a tan? Then you take a mental picture, let it process, and suddenly you see that this 10 has now dropped to a 7, which still isn’t bad.

But then you go further into your evaluation, and up north in January or February there is no cleavage because she’s not wearing that bikini top and there are certainly no shorts that are basically up her ass in 20 degree weather. This makes that 7 now a 5.

Finally, you look closer at those gigantic sunglasses covering almost all of her face. Rule number one of girls with gigantic sunglasses is that they aren’t very good looking if they need to wear sunglasses that big. As far as the investigation goes, she’s not wearing those huge sunglasses when it’s snowing out and now that 5 is down to a 3.

These little tricks of the southern girl is what makes SOME appear hotter than they actually are. I emphasize the some because there are girls down here who are absolutely smoking, but northernizing a southern girl is the true test to finding out if she’s really hot, or if she’s all smoke and no fire.

 

Defining Harpooning

A lot of people want to know why I use the word harpooning when it comes to hunting for a fat ugly chick. It is a term out of the ordinary for this category because most people use the terms “hogging” or “whaling” for example. However, I have good reasoning as to why I use the term harpooning for matters like these.

To begin, the correct definition of harpooning is as follows: Going out in search of the ugliest, fattest creature in your phonebook because you are in desperate need of getting laid and have no other options. Furthermore, this is only acceptable AFTER you have explored all other possible options. Does everyone understand me on this one? Good, then let’s carry on.

Now as to why I refer to this as harpooning, and not another term such as “hogging” or “whaling”. The main reason is because a harpoon is not the most accurate of weapons to go hunting with. You may shoot for one animal, such as a hog; yet you hit a completely different animal, such as a bear. You can harpoon numerous things; bears, cows, moose, hippos, whales, hogs and any other ugly animal (or fat chick) that you could possibly think of.

I like to use the term harpooning for times like this also because you only do this when you’re out of all other weapons. You’ve fired all your bullets and grenades and have even thrown your tomahawk and tactical knife. You are down to one final weapon and that is your harpoon. With the harpoon it’s do or die, and that is why I refer to this method as harpooning.

I hope this clears up the definition for everyone and I also hope that this term can now be universally used as THE term for chasing down fat chicks. I know it’s wishful thinking, but if nothing else I really hope I have cleared up the confusion of this terminology. Use it wisely gentlemen, use it wisely.

 

Building A Women's Celebrity Football Team-Day 9

This defense is beginning to really shape up now. We have an anchor at safety and an anchor on the defensive line and now we are almost done with our linebacking core.  We are going back to defense today to find our second inside linebacker.

Inside Linebacker: Pink

What the scouts are saying: Pink is a little bit undersized for the inside linebacker position but makes up for it with her speed and quickness. She has tremendous speed and has a knack for finding the football. Pink is an absolute maniac and makes plays all over the field. Reminds us of a young Brian Urlacher with her quickness and sure tackling skills. The one concern for her is that she is too amped up and sometimes has a tendency to lose her temper while on the field. However, this just means that she is passionate about what she does and we see her being taken late in the second round.

Girls is a fucking animal. We’ll need to take her off the field in handcuffs because she’s so crazy. Just looking at that pic of her next to Urlacher gets me jacked up. 

 

 

 

Mother of 16 Says She Gets Paid Too Much in Benefits

Look at this shit right here.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3430370/Mum-of-16-says-she-is-paid-too-much-in-state-benefits.html

Some 45 year old mother, who has 16 kids with 5 different dudes is complaining because she gets paid too much money in benefits. Bitch, are you fucking kidding me? You’re getting 600 dollars a week because you’re basically a fucking whore and you’re complaining. Ugly strippers don’t make that much money and that’s basically what you are at this point. Side note on this one, how wide must her vagina be after 16 kids? I would think after number seven they just started walking out right?

 

Nothing Like a Little Girl on Girl Action

Interesting story about how women are now growing more comfortable with kissing other women.

http://www.wlsam.com/Article.asp?id=2117862

In here they use the term “flexisexual” as opposed to bi because it’s about girls making out with other girls just to do it. They can call it whatever they want, I call it awesome. How many times do you go to a bar and see guys trying to get two straight girls to make out with each other? I see it all the time. Guys always feel like they’re the fucking man when they can make this happen even though they really had no influence on the decision. You can’t sit there and say that two hot girls making out with each other isn’t sexy. Like there’s nothing sexy about two dudes making out with each other. Even girls don’t think that’s sexy. But there’s something so magical about two hot, straight girls swapping spit with one another. That’s all I’m saying.

 

Thursday: Drinking Game of the Week

This week we’ll play Bet your Liver

Rules and Regulations

Can play anywhere with 3 or more players. Get a deck of cards and spread them face down around a large pitcher. Everyone must start with a full beer and fills up the pitcher with the amount of beer that they personally see fit. Next, someone starts by guessing either black or red. If you are correct, the person to the left adds more beer then guesses. If you guess wrong you chug what’s in the pitcher. Then the game starts all over again.

If you want to get fucked up this is the game for you. I would recommend playing it with about 5 or 6 people as a pre game to get obliterated before going out. If anyone does play this weekend, let me know how it goes.

 

Building A Women's Celebrity Football Team-Day 8

As we move into week number two of this journey we get to the 3/5 point on our offensive line. Today we go to the center position.

Center: Lisa Lampanelli

What the scouts are saying: Not the biggest, but she has a low center of gravity and is strong as an ox. She is the meanest offensive lineman around and is the perfect leader on the line. Small with good feet means she is very versatile and can pull around the corner causing havoc for defenses. Has been compared to Jets center Nick Mangold for her long blond locks as well as the size of her lower body. The main concern with her is character issues and a bad temper. However, a mean streak is not necessarily a bad thing in an offensive lineman and we look for her to come off the big board early in the second round.

She's as mean as they come and actually does have a striking resemblance to Nick Mangold. With her pulling around the corner I don't care who's running the ball, we're gaining yardage.



 

The Rosetta Stone For Women

As much as women don’t want to admit it, they never actually say what they really mean. There is always an underlined meaning for everything, then when us guys can’t figure it out they hold it in their back pocket to fight with us later. So here is the Rosetta Stone For Women: What they really mean.

What are you doing tonight?

Translation: Are you going to ask me to hang out or not?

No I’m really not mad

Translation: I’m pissed but we’ll fight about it later

I’m going out with the girls tonight

Translation: I’m getting drunk and getting as close to cheating on you as I can, without actually doing it

Are you going to buy me a drink?

Translation: I just want the drink, not anything to do with you

I’m confused

Translation: I’m talking to another guy without you knowing

I don’t know what I want

Translation: I’m sleeping with another guy without you knowing

I swear I don’t usually do this

Translation: I’ve done this numerous times

I don’t think of you in that way

Translation: I’ve hooked up with one of your good friends and you don’t know about it

I’m not just saying this because I’m drunk

Translation: There’s no way I remember this in the morning

I’ve missed you so much; I want you back

Translation: I haven’t been laid in a while and you’re a sucker

I need you

Translation: You were the last on my list to call because no one else responded

I’ll let you know

Translation: I have a boyfriend and I’m not getting back to you

I like you but we’re moving too fast

Translation: I’m still talking to my ex

Who’s this girl that commented on your facebook wall?

Translation: If I ever see this bitch she’s fucking dead

I’ve only slept with 2 people

Translation: Multiply that number by 3

I’ll be right back

Translation: You won’t see me for the rest of the night

I like to be social

Translation: I flirt with everyone

I’m not one of those crazy girls

Translation: Give it two weeks; I’m a fucking psycho

I guess I’ll just sit at home with the girls tonight

Translation: If you don’t invite me over you’re not getting any for at least a month

I can take care of myself

Translation: If you’re not around I’m fucked

 

You are such an asshole

Translation: I’ll text you tomorrow

There you have the basic translation of the female language. Occasionally this gets more complex but for now this a good start for all you guys out there wondering what the hell your girl is talking about. Frank Cip thanks for the idea.

 

Canadians Too Polite To Call Police

Dude fires off 15 shotgun rounds in his apartment, including a couple of shots out of his window and into a parking lot; and no one calls the cops.

http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/canada/breakingnews/rcmp-upset-that-public-didnt-call-after-man-shot-off-15-rounds-in-apartment-116704634.html

These crazy Canadians. Yesterday we have their teenagers making videos cutting themselves, and today we have a grown ass man gallivanting around his apartment hammered and firing ammunition all over the place. My favorite part about this article is that nobody fucking called the police. They thought it was the tops of dumpsters from people throwing out their garbage. Are you kidding me? I’m sure there must be a distinct difference in sound from a dumpster and a gunshot. And I’m also pretty sure that if I’m walking by an apartment building and see a guy standing in front of a broken window all bloodied up with three guns strapped to him, not only am I calling the cops, I’m running to the bathroom to wipe the shit out of my pants.

 

Woman Beats Up Roommate Over Girl Scout Cookies

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2011/02/22/2011-02-22_florida_woman_busted_for_assaulting_roommate_over_girl_scout_cookies.html

Now this is actually pretty hilarious. A 31 year old woman knocked the shit out of her roommate because she thought that she had been stealing her thin mints. I think I have to give her the benefit of the doubt in this matter mainly because thin mints are delicious. Would I beat a bitch up for tagalongs? Nah, but for the thin mints I can understand. Although one picture on the link shows about 7 boxes of thin mints in that cabinet. You couldn’t spare a few cookies you fat fuck? I guess times are tough.

 

Shitty D-III Basketball Team Ends 26 Year Conference Losing Streak

Obviously this team sucks

http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/41730583/ns/sports-college_basketball/

Caltech, some shitty ass Division III basketball school hadn't won a fucking conference game since 1985, before last night. They won the game 46-45, which I could only imagine must have been as exciting as watching grass grow. Fans rushed the court and celebrated the win and then the coach has the balls to say, "Tonight's win is a testament to the hard work of each member of this team." Are you kidding me guy? Even a fucking blind squirrel finds a nut, you won your first conference game in your last 301 tries are you shitting me? Just shut up and say, "We're really relieved the monkey is off our back," or in this case it would probably be King Kong. By the way, how shitty must it be for the team that lost to the Bad News Bears of college basketball. If I was that coach I would've cut every single one of them as soon as the game ended.

Would You Rather Wednesday's

For this week’s Would You Rather we are going to throw a little bit of a twist into this. Hot women who became fat. So today’s contestants are a fat Jessica Simpson vs. a fat Mariah Carey.



Fat Jessica                                               VS                       Fat Mariah

This was a tough decision for me especially because I loved the both of these women before they went on their mean binge-eating streak. Jessica was a fucking hottie back in the day and Mariah went from a phat ass to a fat ass. The only problem here is that Jessica’s FUPA is way too large for me in this matchup. I really couldn’t sit there struggling to find her vagina the entire time underneath all that mess. So for this matchup I'm taking Mariah in a slight upset. She would have to be wearing some form of black lingerie though to make her look somewhat slimmer to me.

This Weeks Winner: Mariah Carey

 

Inside Edition: What Girls Really Do in The Bathroom

My friend Erin has volunteered to tell me the reasons that girls go to the bathroom in groups. I will respond to her responses as well.

Erin: Probably the most popular reason for girls to go to the bathroom together is to get away from a guy they don’t want to be around. Now this happens all the time.  I’ll paint the picture for you. You’re dancing or talking to a guy and your girlfriend happens to be in visual range so you shoot her ‘the look’. The look that says, “I want to get the fuck away from this kid far and fast before I have to suffer one more waking moment talking/grinding up on him.” From here, your friend pulls you away and you both immediately dart for the bathroom without any words being said. This usually leaves guys confused and asking themselves “Where the fuck did she go?”  “Will I still be able to dance with her when she comes back?”  The answer is no. Not a chance in hell. This is a girl’s way of letting you guys down easy.

Me: Well Erin, this is why we use the word cocktease. If you don’t want to dance or talk to us, then don’t do it. We don’t take this personally if you don’t want to talk to us, we just move on to the next one. It’s like taking batting practice at baseball; if you swing and miss, you still get another pitch (unless it’s the end of the round).

Erin would go on to talk more about if a girl actually tells a guy that she needs to go to the bathroom, you still have a shot. However, she did say that most guys do not decide to wait out the bathroom time because, “When it comes to girls, guys have the attention span of a toddler trying to put together a 300 piece puzzle; and any random girls ass is enough to distract you from even remembering that you were talking to another girl.” All I have to say to that is, “Touché Erin, touché”. Now Erin gave the reasons why girls take so long to go to the bathroom, as well as the reasoning for bringing people with them.

Erin: Reason number one: Pretty much every time you enter a girl’s bathroom there’s going to be a line. Which means a whole lot of standing around with nothing to do but watch all the shitfaced messes try and form words into a sentence, or pull themselves together to go back out in public. This brings us back to why it’s better to bring a friend with you. Now, instead of standing in line thinking about how much you have to pee and want to punch every girl that’s in the bathroom in the face for making you wait, you can stand with your friend and talk shit instead. Sounds like a better option to me, no?

Me: Okay, I can see your reasoning here, but if the line is so long then wouldn’t there be enough girls on the line to have a conversation with? Just saying.

Erin: Reason number two: Let’s face it; girls can’t be in a room that has a mirror without checking themselves out at least once. And this process alone takes about a day and a half. Drunk bitches everywhere struggling to wash their hands, reapply their makeup, and fix their hair. It’s like trying to get through a brick wall just to get a glance in the mirror. I’m going to say one thing. LEAVE YOUR HAIR AND MAKEUP ALONE! It’s never a good idea to fix that shit when you’re drunk. I once saw this girl try to reapply her eyeliner only to see her poke herself in the eye twice and leave the bathroom with black shit smeared all over her face. Less is more in this case ladies.

Me: So if this is the case, then wouldn’t going with a friend or other people just add to the chaos that this sounds like? More people equal more chaos from what you’re telling me, so why not just go in there alone?

Erin: Reason number three: Occasionally, you will run into a girl in the bathroom who is crying because some bitch hooked up with their boyfriend and they feel like their world is coming to an end. Blah blah blah. This is the time where females shine. We love consoling other females in cases like this. Mainly because it makes us feel better about ourselves. And not to mention you get to talk shit about random people you don’t know! Saying stuff like, “You’re way better than that bitch!” and “One day he’s going to realize what he did and you’ll have the last laugh” and “Look at you, you’re gorgeous, you can do way better than that scumbag!” I know, pretty lame. But in actuality it doesn’t even matter what we say because all the girl hears is random people telling her how freakin’ awesome she is and that’s enough to make any girl happy.

Me: If you did not read one of my earlier posts this is the reason for having your DUFF present and accounted for. The DUFF once again is your Designated Ugly Fat Friend and she is only there to make you and your good looking friends feel better about yourselves in times like this. Just one look at your DUFF and you should feel better about anything.

Erin: Now, as for the baby changing rack doubling as a white board. I wish we were that creative, but thanks for the awesome idea! I think I’ll be bringing a marker with me the next time I go out so I can plan out exactly how I want my night to flow. I want to say one more thing about girls and the bathroom that I feel shouldn’t go unnoticed. I will never understand the infatuation of taking a picture of your friend sitting on the toilet. These girls are throwing up peace signs and posing for the camera like you actually want a picture of you sitting on the toilet. Not that cool. First of all, that shit is supposed to be kept private for a reason. No one wants to see you handling your business no matter how hot you are. That’s why they make those things called doors that are attached to the stalls. I don’t know how guys feel about this but I’d even be willing to bet you think it’s repulsive (even though there’s that slight possibility of catching a peek at a girl’s ass, which may be a good enough reason for some.) So how about we all save ourselves some embarrassment, and kiss the whole ‘taking a picture of your friend on the toilet’ trend goodbye.

Me: Erin I could not agree with you more about the picture taking thing while on the toilet. This is the one advantage you girls have in the bathrooms is that you have stalls, so fucking use them. You are 100% right, it is very repulsive and unattractive.

I would like to thank you for your brilliant insight on this subject and it was a pleasure working with you. As for the rest of you ladies, listen to Erin here. You are finally getting insight from a girl and not just an asshole guy (meaning myself); use it to your advantage.

 

What Do Women Do on Those Group Trips to the Bathroom?

My good friend Nick Bentz pointed this out to me yesterday and it got me thinking. What exactly do women do on their group trips to the bathroom? Like when everyone is out and all five of you get up to go to the bathroom, what the fuck goes on in there? I already know you don’t have to hold it for each other since there’s nothing to hold (I hope), so what else can it be?

It’s actually a mind-boggling question to me because I never understood this concept. If two guys got up to go to the bathroom together the comments would start flying. People would be asking, “Oh what are you two going to fuck each other in there?” But with girls this isn’t just accepted, it is procedure. No girl can go to the bathroom by themselves while out in public.

Do you need help changing your tampon while out in public? I don’t know, don’t you do it yourself when you’re home? Why does this change when out in public? Maybe that isn’t the reason for your entire squad being in the bathroom with you, but then again, I have no idea. I’m starting to think you just go in there to talk shit about the guys you’re with that night. Or even give each other an overview on how the nights going so far and to draw out a game plan for the rest of the night.

I can actually see that happening. Six girls in the bathroom, one opens up the baby changing rack and suddenly a whiteboard and a marker pop out for her to start drawing up the game plan for the rest of the night. This I could see, but it might be giving you ladies too much credit.

Although I have not come to a conclusion on this matter yet, I will get to the bottom of this. If any ladies would like to be interviewed on this matter please contact me because it is a question that has been burning in the minds of men for years. Then again, maybe you can’t tell me because it’s been the best-kept secret in the history of the world to this day.

 

Building A Women's Celebrity Football Team-Day 7

Back to defense today as we pick up a hybrid defender who can play the down defensive end position or stand up as an outside linebacker to rush the passer.

Outside Linebacker: Chyna

What the scouts are saying: Chyna is just a tremendous football player. She has great size and strength to go along with her speed. Can rush the passer at defensive end as well as come off the edge as an outside linebacker. Watching her on tape reminds us of Clay Matthews. Chyna bench pressed 225 at the combine an astonishing 52 times, breaking the previous record of 47 set by Wendy Williams last week. The one knock on Chyna has been her ability to play the run and become an every down defender. Even with that lone concern we still see her as a late first round pick.

Some wanted to convert her to running back but come on, look at that size. She's got outside linebacker written all over her. Watching her rush the passer is going to be more exciting than watching Aretha Franklin at an all you can eat buffet.



 

Liam Neeson Kicking Ass and Taking Names…Again

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1658396/unknown-box-office.jhtml

Liam Neeson just raking in the money kicking peoples asses all weekend in his new movie “Unknown”. It finished number one in the box office destroying that retarded movie “I am Number Four”. I have not seen it yet but I could only imagine it’s a lot like “Taken”, which would be a limited plot, no character development and a lot of Mr. Neeson just beating the fuck out of people.

 

Asshole Canadian Kids Posting Videos Cutting Themselves

In Canada there are apparently asshole teenager posting youtube videos of them actually cutting themselves and it’s worrying Canadian professors:

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/217136.php

To start off, these kids are just looking for fucking attention. They’re classified as “non-suicidal self harm videos”. Well if that’s the case then these kids are morons and if these professors are really worried that other kids are going to “hop on the bandwagon” like New Yorkers now that the Knicks have Carmelo, then the teenagers in Canada are fucking retarded. You have to have something seriously wrong in your brain to cut your own wrists on camera. Then you’re even more of an asshole to watch it and say, “You know what? I think I’m going to do this too.” It’s retarded, if they want to do it to see how many hits they get then fucking let them. It sounds fucked up but if they’re into cutting their wrists for youtube hits just let them do it. Eventually they’ll get tired of it, just like any teen trend with the exception of being a guido.

Carmelo is a Knick

Carmelo Anthony is officially a New York Knick

http://www.rotoworld.com/headlines/nba/153582/its-over-carmelo-anthony-is-a-knickerbocker

Did they give up too much? Maybe, but I’ll take Melo and Amare to go along with Chauncy Billups any day of the week. Bottom line is that they needed to make this trade and they got the deal done.  Now let’s all sit back and enjoy the show.

Watching Keanu Reeves Pisses Me Off

I’m sitting there watching Hardball and watching Keanu Reeves makes me sick to my stomach. The fucking guy is the worst actor I think I have ever seen. He might be worse than Paul Walker who plays a bad acting dirty cop in every one of his movies. But I mean come on Hollywood, Keanu Reeves should’ve been out of acting after those Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure movies because the only part he’s good at playing is a fucking 17 year old airhead who uses the word dude every ten seconds.

Look at this giant asshole



 

Sad News: Snow Means Hot Girls Go Back in Hiding

Yes the sad news of today happens to be that the 2-4 inches of snow we received means that all the hot girls are now going back into their hiding places. Of course the 50 degree weather from last week was way too good to be true. I guess we're all going back to limited eye candy and girls dressed like they're in the Middle East. Good news is I'll be in Florida Thursday to Monday, bad news is I have to fucking come back.

Building A Women's Celebrity Football Team-Day 6

We go back to offense today and we look to sure up the left side of our offensive line. With Queen Latifah already protecting the blind side at left tackle, today we move to her partner in crime at guard protecting that same side.

Left Guard: Oprah

What the scouts are saying: Oprah has great size and a great punch on that offensive line but what is most surprising is how great her feet are. Tremendous size for a guard and we really believe she can play all five of the offensive line positions. She really reminds me of Saints guard Jahri Evans with her size and footwork. The one knock on her has been the bad tape she has had against the upper level opponents, however the potential is still there. We see this Oprah character as a early to mid second round pick.

Spitting image of each other especially with the same size shoulders. Tell me who is getting by her and Queen Latifah on that left side?



So far our offense looks like this:

QB: Elin Nordegren

LT: Queen Latifah

LG: Oprah

 

Guys: Reasons You Probably Haven't Been Laid in a While

I have a bunch of guy friends who like to complain about how they haven’t gotten any in a while and I’m actually sick of hearing about it. So here is my list of reasons that guys haven’t been laid in their recent memory.

Stop playing this hard to get bullshit: Enough with the whole story about how you got this girls number but you’re waiting to text her because you don’t want to look like a bitch. Please shut the fuck up with that bullshit. She is not going to text you first just because you two exchanged numbers. The only reason she actually took your number is so she knows who it is when you finally do text or call. So stop with the whole theory on making her sweat it out because realistically, if you don’t call; she’ll probably give her number to someone else next weekend that will.

Even if you’re not a nice guy, at least pretend for 5 minutes: Listen, if you’re an asshole you need to at least put on the impression that you can have your nice tendencies. The girl can probably read that you’re an asshole right away anyway, but they’ll still accept you being an asshole if you show some signs that you can potentially be a nice guy. For some weird reason women view this as a perfect combination because they’re big into trying to make us their bitch. Whether you’re into this or not, it’ll probably at least get you a number.

Get a fucking haircut: Some dudes can pull the shaggy, long hair look off. But those dudes are the exception, not the rule. You should know whether or not you can pull off the long hair look, and if you can’t then cut your fucking hair. Also, most guys with the long hair or shaggy look have girlfriends who don’t really give a fuck about their hair because they’ve been together for a while.

Shave that hideous beard: Once again, there are few guys who can pull off beards but that is because they keep it looking fresh and trimmed. Girls do no like the scruffy out of control facial hair that is all over the place. One, because it looks disgusting and two because they don’t want to feel like they’re making out with a fucking grizzly bear.

When you’re out, don’t stand there and sulk: When you go out it is very important that you do not stand around sulking like someone just shot your puppy. Girls are attracted to guys that they get a good vibe from. Confidence is probably the most attractive trait to a girl so at least fucking look like you have some sort of swag or your chances of getting any ass will go totally out the window.

I’m not promising you guys that you’ll get laid by listening to me, mainly because I don’t make promises. But I am telling you that you have a much better chance of ending your dry spell by listening to these tips. If you think I’m bullshitting you that’s fine, just don’t say I didn’t try to help you out when you’re laying in bed with your laptop and hand lotion looking for shit to get off to on the internet.

 

What Jumps Into a Guys Mind When He First Meets a Girl?

There are many thoughts that jump into the mind of a guy the first time he meets a girl. I’m pretty sure that girls do this too, but for arguments sake let’s just say guys are the only one’s who do this, for now. What are the thoughts that occur when meeting a member of the opposite sex for the first time?

First and foremost, the first thought that pops into a guys mind is, “Would I do her?” Yeah we know it sounds shallow but everyone is shallow to an extent. You don’t look at someone from across the bar and say, “Wow, that person looks like their face was on fire and someone put it out with a bat full of nails; but they might have a nice personality so I’ll go talk to them.” That shit doesn’t happen, so before you jump on the bandwagon saying how shallow I sound, think about how shallow you actually are.

Number two, “What kind of underwear is she wearing?” Obviously this is an important thought in any dudes mind because this tells you a lot about a woman. Granny panties tell a guy that there will be no sex anytime in the near future. Booty shorts say, “I like to party, but you’re probably going to have to do some work before I get with you.” A thong says, “I may choose to sleep with you right away or I may not choose to sleep with you right away, but I know how to get down.” Guys are always checking out a girl’s ass for these small clues, just like girls probably try and sneak a peak at a dude’s package every now and then.

After this, a guy will definitely try and read her to see if the girl is a freak, or if she is tame. The type of underwear will always give somewhat of a clue, but it never gives the whole story. Some girls may be of the “closet freak” variety, which is always a pleasant surprise for any guy. These are usually the quiet, mysterious ones with the booty shorts. Granny panties will never be a closet freak, mainly because if you’re any sort of freak you do not wear granny panties.

As disgusting as girls may think this is, or as untrue as any girl may think this is; I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. This is true for any guy when he meets a girl for the first time. You might think this sounds so perverted but I know girls have their own thoughts as well. Guys may be more open about shit like this, but girls have the same type of thoughts whether they want to admit it or not. End of story.

 

George Clooney's Girl Breaking it Down at Italian Music Festival

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Women Would Give Up Sex to be Skinny?

Odd article I just found about a poll taken saying that 51% of women would give up sex in order to be skinny

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/02/19/earlyshow/saturday/main20033926.shtml

Can you say insecure? Here is where men and women are totally different. I mean guys kind of give a shit what they look like but given the choice of looking good or getting laid on a regular basis I’m going with getting laid on a regular basis. Look at it this way; work out hard, eat healthy and die anyway. That sounds harsh but it is inevitable that’s the way life goes. I don’t think I have heard of anyone who has lived forever yet so you should get where I’m going with this. I’ll take fat and happy while getting laid rather that skinny and miserable any day of the week.

 

The Secret of the Hat

Going out and dressing like you’re the fucking man and don’t give a fuck is actually highly under rated. Whenever you go out to a bar you always want to try and look somewhat good so you have a chance of bringing a girl home that night. However, one element that is often overlooked is the secret of the hat.

By no means whatsoever am I talking about a fitted fucking Yankee hat here, although in some cases this could work. What I am really talking about is a nice p-cap or even a fedora that is a key component to getting ladies on the dance floor. This was actually a revelation to me after watching a friend of mine basically have a conga line of women waiting for him on the dance floor last night.

This friend of mine happened to be wearing a very nice p-cap last night. Although it did not match his outfit, this still looked good with the lights off because everyone there was obliterated and was basically color blind. My friend loves to dance and is always dancing from the time he walks in until the time he leaves. But this isn’t about my friend it’s about the hat.

You see as he was dancing with one girl another girl would always have his hat. For some reason drunk girls love nice hats and they always snatch them every chance they get. The conga line would continue to grow as the night went on. When he moved to the next girl, the hat would also move to the next girl. Basically, the girl with the hat was the “on the deck batter”. It was a chain reaction.

Do I know if my friend actually got laid last night? No, I do not. I do not know how well his dancing translates to sex but that’s not for me to decide. And yes dancing does translate to how well someone tangles in the sheets. But that’s a post for another time. All I know is that the fucking hat was a magical tactic. If you want to up your odds of getting laid on a given night, just remember the secret of the hat.

 

Building A Women's Celebrity Football Team-Day 5

Moving back to the defensive side of the football today we head to find the leader in our secondary. With today’s choice we are beginning to put together a defense that rivals the 85 bears.

Free Safety: Jillian Michaels of The Biggest Loser

What the scouts are saying: Michaels is an absolute ball hawk out there on the football field. She is your prototypical free safety and just a tremendous football player. Michaels is an explosive tackler and has great hands as well. Michaels has tremendous work ethic as she lost 400 pounds after an injury sidelined her for all of her 2009 season. Also very versatile and can play both the free and strong safety positions. Can cover a tight end because of her size or a wide receiver because of her tremendous speed. Watching film you would think that you are watching Ed Reed out there. We love this Jillian Michaels look for her to go in the top 5.

Look at that core. The girl lays the fucking wood.



So far our defense looks like this:

Nose Guard: Rosie O'Donnell

Inside Linebacker: Wendy Williams

Free Safety: Jillian Michaels

The DUFF, Every Girl Has One

Every time you go out and see a group of girls you can’t help but notice one very key element within that group of friends. This key element is a tactic that has been used by girls for years and will continue to be used until the end of time. Every group of girls has a DUFF.

What is a DUFF you ask? The DUFF is simply known as the Designated Ugly Fat Friend. Let’s face it; girls are very insecure about themselves whether they are smoking hot or not. There is always that little voice in the back of their heads where they ask themselves over and over again if they are pretty enough or skinny enough. That’s just the way it is. Therefore, they will always find a DUFF as a defense mechanism to feel better about themselves when going out in public.

This works in two different ways for the hot girls in the group. The first thing that happens is that it is an automatic ego booster. See the DUFF is also insecure and she is the only who is always telling the hot girl or girls how pretty they are. When girls get ready to go out they don’t give a shit what guys think. Girls get dressed to out do each other. That is how women are and everyone knows it.

Now after this happens the hot girls lie to their DUFF and tell her how pretty she is and how good she looks before they go out. This makes the DUFF feel like she is what one would call “Hot By Association”. Obviously, this is not the case, but as long as the DUFF is happy thinking this it doesn’t matter to the hot girls.

The last thing to remember here is that girls do not see it this way. Girls will actually never admit to any of this but deep down they all know that this is one thousand percent true. You will also notice that the DUFF is only with the group in public. When they have their “girls nights” of ice cream and stupid TV shows at someone’s house, the DUFF is never around. Some say this is because the DUFF is unimportant because it is not a public place, others believe it is because she will probably eat all the ice cream.

The final word of advice I will give on this matter comes from my friend, Frank Cipriani the one who gave me the idea for this. Always be aware of your surroundings and remember this quote, “The girl without the DUFF, is the DUFF.”

 

Does Partying With College Kids Get This Guy Laid?

Just your run of the mill Saturday night up here, going out to a bar and watching your friends band kill it all night while getting hammered. All of a sudden I turn around and see this fucking guy on the dance floor just tearing it up. He was pretending to dribble a basketball between his legs, twirling girls who were about forty years younger than him, I could’ve sworn I even watched him do a split out there. I'm pretty sure this guy was trying to do his best impression of Charlie Sheen last night. My favorite part has to be that valore shirt he was wearing. So at roughly 60 years old, does partying with college kids get this guy laid?

Building A Women's Celebrity Football Team-Day 4

Today we go back to the offensive side of the football. We started off with the face of or franchise at QB with Elin Nordegren and now it is time to put together an offensive line to protect her. Let’s start with protecting the blind side and getting a franchise left tackle.

Left Tackle: Queen Latifah

What the scouts are saying: Queen Latifah is a big physical presence on the offensive line who can play right away. She has great feet and is fantastic in both the running game and in the pass protecting department. Latifah has been compared with Michael Oher not just for her size, but also for her fantastic footwork. She is large and she is in charge. Mobile, agile, hostile are just three words to describe her. The one question mark has been that she takes plays off and also has some bad tape. Her coaches will get that out of her at the next level and we like this Queen Latifah, look for her to be off the big board by pick 15.

Look at that comparison. I would pay big money to see her suit up for my team.

A Tale of Two Parties...

Since it’s Saturday now and the only thing to do on Friday nights up in shit hole Connecticut is attend house parties, I figured I would give everyone a nice laugh about these two I attended last night.

The first house party was actually a flat out fucking rager. I mean drunk girls falling all over the place, a DJ and people just grinding up on each other in corners basically dry fucking right there. Nobody at this party gave a fuck who was around, they were just ready to fucking rage. The best part about this was that I was drunk, but I wasn’t to the point of not knowing what I was doing so I figured why not fuck with everyone here right now.

I got out the trusty camera phone and started telling people that I work for BarstoolU. Obviously, I don’t work for Barstool or I wouldn’t have to put these fucking blogs on facebook for your entertainment. Now as soon as I told people this, they went fucking ape shit. People just yelling into the camera, girls going wild making out with each other and the fucking DJ giving me a shout out. It is amazing how much people will believe when they’re shitfaced. I had to escape this party, however, because I figured it was only a matter of time until they found out I was just doing this for my own enjoyment.

A half hour later, I headed on my next journey to this other house party. Very nice house, low-key party and whoever was left there was fucked up. I got there late so the big crowd was long gone. Doesn’t sound like much at all but then I turn my head, look into this small room and there is a fucking pig in the room. I am not exaggerating, a mother fucking pig for a pet. Not a small little baby piglet, a huge mother fucker. I didn’t meet anyone that lived there, I just know it was a girl who lived there, which got me wondering. Guys, could you ever have sex with a girl who has a pet pig? Like is she a freak because she has a pig for a pet? Or is she not a freak because she has a pet pig? I would think yes she is definitely into some freaky shit, but then again, I don’t know.

So long story short I got an entire raging party to believe I worked for one of the most viewed websites by college kids probably ever, and for the first time in my life I saw a fucking real pig. Pet pigs and sloppy drunk parties, that’s what Sacred Heart does.

Did you guys really think I would tell you about this pig without having proof?



 

Do Ugly People Make Happier Couples?

Driving around today I happened to notice that there was a couple holding hands and walking through the street. Now this couple was probably in the top 3 of ugliest couples I have ever seen in my life. It was like a dinosaur and Sloth from the Goonies somehow found each other and got together.

Weird shit I know, but they looked so happy. It was shocking to me because they were smiling and looked like they genuinely enjoyed being around each other. Now I do not know any ugly couples personally, which got me asking the question; are ugly couples happier than normal looking couples? This sounds fucked up but it’s a valid question. I mean all the couples I know are two good-looking people and they’re all fucking miserable.

Let’s face it, good-looking couples argue because of jealousy. Hands down, end of story, don’t even fucking deny it. Most of the fights are questioning each other about talking to someone and it’s all jealousy because they are good looking and they both know that both of them are perfectly capable of getting with other people. This isn’t a problem with an ugly couple. Ugly couples have one main advantage over good-looking couples and that is that nobody else wants them. So what exactly do ugly couples fight about? I have no idea, but from what I have seen it looks like they don’t fight about anything, so good for them I guess.

The one thing I will say is that good-looking couples definitely win in the sex department. Could you imagine how gross the sex is with two overweight ugly people? I mean the guy probably doesn’t know if he’s in the back of her knee or her vagina but it feels awesome to him. Definitely nauseating but hey they’re still smiling when they’re done.

Sloth from The Goonies for all of you who didn't know



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMcpOPFmtkE

Rate This Nutshot

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e64uo1gn15o

Gotta love friends being dick heads to each other. Shit is hilarious.

Rate This Nut Shot

More Shit Talking Directed at Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife Denise Richards hits up The View and just talks shit the entire time.

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/denise-richards-i-have-dealt-101527

Alright Denise fucking relax over there. Saying you’ve dealt with this stuff for years and that Charlie’s going to do what Charlie wants to do. Correct! Charlie Sheen is still going to party hard, fuck bitches and get money. He’s going to slay porn stars on the reg (which I don’t see anything wrong with) and he’s going to make the media entertaining. What do you tell your kids Denise? Tell them Daddy is a fucking boss who doesn’t take shit from anyone, including you. End of story.

 

This Just In: Mike D'Antoni Has a Mangina

Knicks coach Mike D’Antoni happens to be a little worried about bringing Carmelo to New York.

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/rumors/post/Knicks-D-Antoni-worried-about-getting-Anthony-?urn=nba-323321

This guy is worried about the roster change and the added pressure it’s going to bring on him to win games if he gets Carmelo. Cry me a fucking river guy. If you’re worried about the pressure of winning games as a head coach then you shouldn’t be the fucking coach in New York you pussy. Go coach in fucking Toronto or Washington where wins and losses don’t matter. You’re getting a top 5 player in the NBA to team up with Amare and you’re fucking complaining about it. If you’re in New York you came to win not complain about the pressure. And if you’re really worried about the pressure of winning then fucking resign, because in New York it’s all about winning so either get your head out of your vagina or get the fuck out.

 

Building A Women's Celebrity Football Team-Day 3

Today we go back to the defensive side of the ball and since we already have a future pro bowler at the nose tackle position with Rosie O’Donnell it is time to start getting some linebackers who can make plays.

Inside Linebacker: Wendy Williams

What the scouts are saying: Wendy is a throw back player. A perfect blend of size and speed who can run sideline to sideline. This ball hawking defender continually makes plays. She did a record number reps at the combine bench-pressing 225 a staggering 47 times. Wendy is most comparable to Patrick Willis not only because she makes plays all over the field but also because their arms are about the same size. She can play in the 4-3 system or the 3-4 and will make an immediate impact on any team. We love this Wendy Williams, look for her to be a top 5 pick.

Tell me apposing QB's won't be shitting their pants looking over the defense and seeing her ready to break someone's clavicle

Forgetful Friday's...

WANTED: My Thursday night...If anyone has any idea of the whereabouts of what happened last night please call 1-800-WAS-FUCKED UP and let me and my friends know what transpired last night. Once again that is 1-800-WAS-FUCKED UP and we would also like to hear your stories of going out on Thursday try to comment if you can.

Word of Advice...

If you ever ask a girl if your shirt looks okay and she responds with, "What are your other options?" Then change the fucking shirt. End of story.

Do Hot Girls Hide in the Cold Weather?

I would like to know what the fuck happened today? There are a lot of hot girls at my school up here in Connecticut but I have only seen the ones that I know of. Basically the eye candy has been at the bare minimum since October.

Today the weather hit 50 degrees, which for up here in this shithole state might as well be a tropical fucking heat wave. Then as soon as I turn onto campus, BOOM! I get hit with a group of hot girls right off the bat. As I kept fucking driving it was like all of a sudden these hot girls came out of hibernation for the day. No exaggeration, there were hot girls everywhere. For a second I thought I crashed my car on the way in and went to heaven; but then I realized there is no fucking chance of me going to heaven so I knew this was the real deal.

I mean I know the winter is not exactly the best time of the year but are hot girls all of a sudden like bears? Do they hibernate over the winter? I was baffled. Over the winter you see some in the gym from time to time but nothing like the onslaught that was brought out with the one day of mild weather. Maybe it’s the clothes they have to wear over the winter? Maybe they just aren’t attractive in the cold and then suddenly some warm weather comes out and magically they become hot. I have no idea, I was so confused, yet happy at the same time.

The main thing that I took out of national hot girl day on the Sacred Heart campus was that I should have gone to school down south. If it was like this up here just one day I can’t even picture what campuses down south must look like. Girls may be offended by this topic but I’m just asking a simple question to the hot girls up in Connecticut: Where the fuck have you been all winter?

 

Mariano Rivera Arrives at Spring Training

Mariano Rivera showed up a day late at Yankees spring training today, which of course the media must make a big deal out of it.

http://sports.espn.go.com/new-york/mlb/news/story?id=6131538&campaign=rss&source=MLBHeadlines

I have no idea why this is even a fucking story to be totally honest with you. He was home with his family who all had the flu. These reporters are the biggest cock suckers on the face of the earth. First of all, this guy is the greatest closer in the history of baseball, he can show up a day before the season starts and still dominate. Secondly, hop off his shit please. He was doing the whole dad thing and taking care of his family. This guy can do whatever the fuck he wants in my opinion because he’s just that fucking good.

 

How Shitty Is Being a Detroit Sports Fan?

Miguel Cabrera of the Detroit Tigers was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving and resisting arrest in Florida last night.  http://www.freep.com/article/20110217/SPORTS02/110217016/0/NEWS09/Tigers-Miguel-Cabrera-charged-DUI-Florida?odyssey=nav%7Chead

Once again Miguel Cabrera just not giving a fuck. He went to alcohol rehab for three months before last season started and obviously that did nothing. According to the report though the man is a fucking tank it took the cops 3 to 4 knee spikes to the thigh to get his ass on the ground and apparently he also grabbed a bottle of scotch and started drinking it while yelling at the cops; but I guess that's what alcoholics do.

What the fuck is this guy doing? Everyone knows baseball players party fucking hard but don’t get caught doing it if you’re in the MLB. I mean most people have no idea how many guys play games hungover as fuck and just rip the shit out of the ball. Dude hire a fucking babysitter or something because if I was a Tiger’s fan I would be pissed right now. The guy signed an 8 year 152 million dollar contract like 4 years ago and now he’s getting arrested left and right because he drinks like a fish.

Can it get any worse to be a Detroit sports fan by the way? The Lions haven’t been good in forever, the Pistons blow and now your baseball teams best player gets arrested. I guess the Red Wings are good, but in the US hockey is probably the most irrelevant sport other than soccer.

Building A Women's Celebrity Football Team

Today we move to the offensive side of the football and to the quarterback position. This was a tough decision for the face of the franchise but ultimately we decided we needed a player here who doesn’t take shit from anyone, including her husband and also has a rocket arm.

Quarterback: Ellin Nordegren aka Tiger Woods Ex Wife

What the scouts are saying: When I look at Ellin I see a quarterback who can throw the out route to the opposite sideline with ease as well as the deep ball. Accuracy is not a problem here, just ask Tiger about that. She has been compared to Drew Brees in many facets of her game including the ability to spread the ball (or in Ellin’s case, her husband) around to various different receivers. The main concern with Ellin is going to be the system change into a pro style offense. But this isn’t the first time she’s had to change systems so she should adjust rather quickly. Also has a history of beating up her coaches for changing the playbook but that doesn’t happen at this level. All in all I like this Ellin Nordegren look for her early in the first round.

Tell me she won't be running her offense (or new husband) like she's a drill sergeant, just like my man Drew Brees does it

Thursday: The Drinking Game of the Week

Every Thursday I’ll give all of you the Drinking Game of the Week. This week’s game is Flip, Sip or Strip.

You basically have to be a retard to not be able to figure out this game. You flip a coin and you call it in the air. If you’re right you just pass it to the right. If you’re wrong you pass it to the left and either take an article of clothing off or drink your fucking drink. Any pair that you are wearing counts as one article of clothing for all you slow people. Final rule is that you can’t do the same thing (sip or strip) more than two times in a row.

Suggestion: I would recommend playing this game with a ratio of more girls than guys here. It sounds pretty interesting mainly because it’s a mix of strip poker and getting fucked up. Plus all you need to play is a quarter and alcohol. All systems are a go for this weekend and trying this fucking game out.

 

Is the Bush Making a Comeback?

I am not personally a fan of the bush, however, some friends of mine got to talking today about whether or not the bush is making a comeback. One of our friends is known as the “Bushman” because of his tremendous bush down south and there have been arguments that the bush may possibly be making a comeback.

For girls, you can’t rock the bush. No offense, but vagina is not all that great by itself and adding a bush on top of it only makes matters worse. Us guys already get the short end of the stick in the oral sex department and throwing a bush into the mix would be like...well I don't really have an analogy for this one but you get my drift.

But for guys is it acceptable to not be groomed downstairs? I think you need to be groomed downstairs, I mean maybe you’re into the bush, but that’s your business not mine. I’m just here to give my opinion on social matters. However, according to one of my friends, the bush used to be in as “the thing to have”; everyone had one back in the 70’s and 80’s and I’m sure probably even further back than that. Although it is only one man that we know currently has a bush, is the bush coming back around?  All trends come back around sooner or later.

Mustaches, beards, tie-dye shirts, fedora hats and guido’s are all trends that were in, out, and came back at some point in time. Could this new decade be the return of the bush? That’s for you all to find out. Just don't say I didn't warn you if you happen to be in bed with someone who's rockin' a bush.

 

Wilpon's Not Selling Complete Control of Mets

The asshole Wilpon’s are currently selling a small portion of the worst run franchise in baseball, which you can see by clicking this link.

http://www.silive.com/mets/index.ssf/2011/02/jeff_wilpon_insists_family_wil.html

However, these asshole’s won’t give up complete control of the team, which causes a problem because everyone who wants to buy this piss poor franchise only wants total control. Here’s a fucking idea for you, sell the whole fucking team please I am begging you. You mother fuckers have just continually fucked up this franchise over and over again by being the cheapest asshole’s on planet earth. Sell the fucking team and get the fuck out. The least you can do is give Met fans some sort of new hope after you have completely taken it away since you took over this team. It’s time for you fucks to go. I’ll leave you with a quote one of my wise friends once told me, “Good riddens to bad rubbish. Get ‘em the fuck out.”

 

Building A Women's Celebrity Football Team

Giving a shout out for the idea to my boy Tommy Hensch for this one. Now that football season has ended and the only thing football fans have to look forward to is the NFL Draft come this April. There has been some thought going around about scouting a Celebrity Women’s football team. Fuck the Lingerie Football League, we’re looking for players here, women who would just cause absolute havoc on a football field; and today we will begin our scouting. We will do one side of the ball every day until we build the perfect women’s celebrity football team.

Today we start with Nose Guard Rosie O'Donnell

What the Scouts are saying: Rosie is the perfect nose tackle especially for a 3-4 scheme. Not only does she require multiple blockers while stuffing the run but she can also rush the passer. She has been compared to Baltimore Ravens Nose Guard Haloti Ngata not just for her style of play but also because of her looks. This Rosie has a lot of upside but the main concern is that she has a lot of character issues and a lot of bad tape. With those concerns looming I still like this Rosie O’Donnell, look for her in the middle of the first round.

I can see Rosie in a Ravens uniform rockin' the number 92...just saying

Would You Rather Wednesday's

Every Wednesday is going to be Would You Rather Wednesday on here and since Tuesday is going to be hideous looking women I’ve decided to make every Wednesday’s edition of Would You Rather using hot women only. This week is the Jessica edition, Jessica Biel vs Jessica Alba. Who would you rather have sex with?

Biel         VS.           Alba 

This one is really tough for me, mainly because I would obviously love to sleep with either of these two women. Obviously, you can't go wrong with either choice here but trying to decide could potentially make you want to rip your hair out.

That being said, I think I would need to look at who these chicks have slammed in their movies. I know a movie is just a movie but I’m convinced these actors and actresses slam off camera all the time. Anyway, Biel has slammed Freddy Prinze Jr. and more recently Adam Sandler. Freddy is probably one of the most atrocious actors of all time and Sandler plays the same character in every one of his movies (the lovable fuck up for all of you who are wondering).  As for Alba, she slammed that weak ass doctor (Mr. Fantastic) in the Fantastic Four and also Von Doom. And since Von Doom creeps me the fuck out, I have to go with Biel in the matchup. Hypothetically, I just could not have sex with Alba thinking the entire time that Von Doom was up in that shit. Plus he's probably hung like a horse which means banging Alba would be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. This weeks winner: Jessica Biel

Who Would You Rather Sleep With?

 

Professor Asshole

This fucking class that I’m required to take because I’m a senior is probably the most boring class you could imagine.  He tells us this old ass movie from 1954 is one of the best movies of all time and it is at least top 5. Okay let me explain this shit to you now.

The movie is in Japanese with fucking subtitles, it is in black and white and it’s fucking three and a half hours long. Tell me how that is exactly a top 5 movie please. And then he says to us, “You know when I was about 13 or 14 years old and I saw this movie for the first time, my television couldn’t see the subtitles but I was still able to figure out what was going on and watched the whole movie.” Wow, you’re the fucking man bro, I bet you jerked off to it too.

 

Italian Prime Minister on the Hot Seat…

Today Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was ordered to stand trial on illegal prostitution and abuse of power charges, which you can see right here :http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/15/berlusconi-indicted-prostitution_n_823286.html

Now this dude was married twice and his second wife divorced him after pictures of him at the 18^th birthday party of some hot ass model popped up back in 2009. This guy is such a fucking badass. He’s a billionaire, he runs Italy, he’s 74 years old, and he slays any woman he wants including smoking hot 17 year olds. Also, this fucking guy has just blatantly called out countries like China in the past and shits on anyone that he wants. http://voices.washingtonpost.com/blog-post/2011/02/silvio_berlusconi_italys_prime.html

I mean say what you want about this guy but he doesn’t give a fuck about anything. He slays, he's rich and he runs a god damn country; so you can hate on him all you want, but at least you have to respect him. Mainly, because if you had the power of this fucking guy you would be doing the same exact thing.

The Rock Out Of Retirement?

Apparently Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is now coming out of retirement and will be absolutely kicking ass at Wrestlemania 27. This brings me back to the days when wrestling was actually entertaining, when The Rock would be giving people the Rock Bottom and Stone Cold Steve Austin was chugging beers just because “Stone Cold said so.” Yeah, so I know it’s fake, but don’t shoot my hopes down on trying to recapture a piece of my childhood watching The Rock at Wrestlemania 27.

Information courtesy of me seeing it on television.

Does Rockin' The Top Hat Get This Guy Laid?

Will Rockin' Out with the top hat get this man laid? No it's not a real top hat obviously but it's a new style and we're trying it as a test run.

Comment 1 for yes this definitely gets him laid and 10 for it could get him laid but it won't because it's a fucking Mets hat

Single Guys: What Not To Do On Valentine’s Day

This is for all you asshole guys out there who think that you’re fishing with dynamite by going after all the single chicks on Valentine’s Day. This is a strategy that actually can work if you do it correctly; however I could count on one hand the number of guys who actually do this right. This is basically what not to do if you want to get laid today.

First things first, NO HARPOONING FOR GRENADES TODAY! There are plenty of good-looking single ladies down in the dumps about not having a Valentine; there is absolutely no need to go harpooning for a fat chick. Harpooning is only necessary when you haven’t gotten any action in a while and you are in dire need of sex. This is about doing things the right way today and harpooning is not the right thing to do on Valentine’s Day.

Next, if you happen to be talking to a girl who drops a few hints like, “I guess I’ll just be sitting by myself tonight,” or “I’ll probably just get drunk with my single friends,” then open your fucking mouth and ask her if she wants to hang out. Women think that men are mind readers and they will never directly ask a guy anything because they want us to figure it out for ourselves. Obviously you are not telepathic, but unless you’re a real moron you should know this is a hint and she is waiting for you to ask her to hang out. You don’t even have to do anything crazy just ask her if she wants to watch a movie or go for coffee or something. Get the hint, it might actually work out for you.

Lastly, don’t expect to go hang out with a group of single girls and think that one of them is just going to magically jump in the sack with you. If you can get a group of your friends to hang out with a group of girls tonight then spit some game, make it a good time for everyone and maybe by the end of the night you can get lucky. Don’t just think you’re going to try to get one of these girls drunk and take advantage of her because her friends will definitely jump in and make sure that you don’t get laid. Use your head and try not to be a complete asshole.

These are my main tips of what not to do on Valentine’s Day if you’re a single guy. I am not saying that this strategy will definitely work, but I can tell you that you’ll probably thank me at a later date. Maybe you get a girls number, maybe you actually do get laid. If worse comes to worse use the advice that a wise man once told me, “If you can’t get the hot one, try for the decent one; and if you can’t get the decent one, eat a sandwich and go to bed.”

 

Charlie Sheen Sober For Two Weeks...

So apparently Charlie Sheen has been doing some in home rehab and has passed two drug tests in the past two weeks, one of those coming this morning. What I don’t understand is why people are still getting on his shit for banging two porn stars two weeks ago. Just because a guy parties harder than anyone in recent memory and slays porn star box for a day and a half straight doesn’t make him a bad guy; it makes him a hero. Do you know how many guys wish they could bang some of these porn stars just one time? Trying to straighten up this guy will only make the news way more boring and take away a hero for high school kids everywhere.

 

The 2011 Grammy Awards Should Be Used as a Form of Torture During Warfare

I was sitting around thinking about a new blog topic and figured I would turn on the Grammy awards. About five minutes after I turned the fucking thing on I realized why I never have and never will watch the Grammy’s ever again.

I turned it on at the point of Justin Beiber’s performance and quickly wanted to stick a fork in my eye. This was mainly because I would rather sit in the emergency room and wonder what I would look like with an eye patch on than watch that little fuck sing. Anyway, I figured I wouldn’t shut it off just yet because something ridiculous would need to happen eventually right?

So I keep watching and then Lady fucking Gaga wins some award that I wasn’t even paying attention to I think something for her dumb fucking album. If you watched the show I shouldn’t even need to explain the ridiculousness of what that woman was wearing. She actually looked like a plastic doll and those the sunglasses she had on looked like she had two Pepsi bottles attached to her face.  But of course, the show must go on right?

I tried to pay attention but lost interest throughout country performances and other bullshit that was going on, and then something amazing happened. No, I am not talking about the odd transition from country music to Jaime Foxx. I am talking about the fucking performance by Cee Lo. This guy had to be fucking kidding me. I can’t even explain to you what that outfit was that he was wearing, he basically looked like a fat peacock with sunglasses. Now I have never seen a fat peacock with sunglasses on but that is the only image I could use to explain this ridiculous attire. And what was with the puppets? He had puppets singing for his chorus and I think he had a dog on his piano I really couldn’t follow all the absurd things going on at the same time though. Really, I felt like I was tripping on acid watching this god awful performance.

Finally, before I almost threw a bat through my television I kept it on to watch Katie Perry perform. Quite frankly, her performance was not very good and the main reason I watched was because she has an extremely bodacious rack. Also, her little cheering section right in front of the stage was some of the weakest shit I have ever seen. No one was moving, maybe one person through a weak ass fist pump at one point and they all just stood there with their arms in the air. Show some life people you’re lucky to be there at least pretend like you’re enjoying yourself.

As Rhianna and Eminem performed that watch me burn song I needed to shut off my TV because if you listen to the radio that song has been dead and buried for months now. As far as the tape of this goes, send it to the army and tell them to use it as a slow form of torture for prisoners of war because they’ll either commit suicide or give up all types of information. Me, I would just burn my eyes out with lit cigarettes if I had to watch this shit again.

 

If You Still Think Bridgeport's The City Of Dreams, You've Obviously Never Been To South Norwalk...

For pretty much the last two years all I have been hearing about is the complete and utter awesomeness that is the city of South Norwalk, Connecticut on Saturday nights. Well last night I finally got to experience this majestic town firsthand and I have to tell you that it didn’t disappoint.

First of all, I was taken by complete surprise when my roommates and I unexpectedly met a group of crazy bastards on the train ride there. These guys get on the train with one thing in mind and that was that they were ready to fucking rage. You don’t just pull a bottle of gin out of your jacket on a train without having pussy and partying on your mind. The asshole ticket checker guy even had to tell them to tone it down. So of course they just verbally abused him right after that, which was also awesome.

Then we get into the bar known as Black Bear. This place was all sorts of fucking awesome. Live band just shredding it on stage, drunk girls everywhere, my roommates, teammates and the crazy bastards from the train; the crew that was there was insane. The one negative I will say is that one of the bartenders was a total dickhead and I would’ve loved to punch him in his face. Also, the amount of sloppy drunk people making out all over the place was incredible. Nothing beats watching sloppy drunk people make out on the dance floor like they’re the only two people at the fucking bar; that shit is hilarious.

Being completely hammered the rest of the bar was a blur. However, coming home on the train was another story in itself. I had to talk one of the crazy bastards into going harpooning because sometimes to get a nut off you have to go harpooning for a grenade or two. Then these fucking guys tried to pull out a harmonica and start fucking singing on the train. One dude looked homeless and the other dude looked like he just came straight from a quidditch match with Harry Potter. The abuse shouted out at those two assholes was hilarious. Added on top of that was two seats behind me some dude just blowing chunks all over the place stinking up the train. Obviously, that dude had an awesome night as well.

To end this I will say that if you definitely want a good time head to South Norwalk for the night. If you love getting hammered, live music and tons of women this is definitely the place for you. If you don’t like any of those things then you’re probably gay or have no idea of what fun is. So it’s time for Bridgeport to move over because South Norwalk has taken over as the new City Of Dreams.

The Countdown To Justin Bieber Hitting Puberty

Alright I don’t know about everyone else out there but this Justin Bieber kid is on my nerves to the point where I want to hang myself with waxed dental floss. This little shit is making every guy out there look like a complete asshole. Girls want these nice sensitive guys all because of this little shit who hasn’t hit puberty yet. I mean now it’s to the point where they even have a movie out about him. All you hear from these people in the commercials who talk about this little fuck is how he’s inspired them and made them believe they can do anything that they want.

Fuck this kid, because guess what? The reality is that you can’t do anything that you want to do. I want to be playing pro basketball but guess what I can’t because I’m 5’9 and have no basketball talent whatsoever. Basically what I am trying to say is that this little duechebag is giving people false hope because people think he’s talented. I can’t wait until this little fuck hits puberty and loses his talent. He’s a little nerd who sings like his balls haven’t dropped yet, because they haven’t. Plus he continually makes real men look bad because women who are our age think this kid is the greatest thing since sliced bread.  I’ll give him that he can dance a little bit which also makes us guys look bad mainly because the only guys who are good dancers are as straight as a circle.

So I say fuck you Justin Bieber, I can’t wait until you hit puberty and fall off the face of the earth. Maybe you can become a choreographer since it’ll be the only thing you MIGHT have left. Look at what happened to Lil Bow Wow once he hit puberty. Watch out you little prick, it’s coming for you, and when it comes it’s taking your talent, tying it to a cinder block and throwing it in the bottom of the ocean never to be seen again.