The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Bacon Mac and Cheese

Late Night Programming: Game Of Thrones

Late Night Song: This Town by OAR

Fun Fact: Every woman is a pig except for your mother, and your father has something to say about that...Truest statement I have ever heard.

Late Night Video:

Hey Jerry Jones I Have An Idea How About You Shut The Fuck Up Until Your Team Wins Something

http://espn.go.com/new-york/nfl/story/_/id/8217655/jerry-jones-tells-cowboys-fans-dallas-rip-new-york-giants

I woud really love nothing more than to punch Jerry Jones in the face.What the fuck goes on in the NFC East? Jerry Jones comes out today at Dallas training camp and tells everyone to "come out there and watch them beat the Giants ass". Yeah bro, do you remember who just won the Super Bowl? Oh, do you remember what QB hasn't lost in your new fucking stadium yet? Do you remember who ended your season last year? You're still living off your Super Bowls with Aikman, Smith and Irvin. You haven't won dick since and until you dethrone the fucking champs you should shut the fuck up old man. The NFC East talks a big fucking game for a bunch of teams that haven't won dick and we can just add Dallas to the list. I can't wait until September 5th when you come to us and we kick your fucking teeth in. It can't come soon enough. Until you and your Cowboys win something shut the fuck up and play the games.

Betz Of The Day

Today's Games

MLB:

Marlins vs Braves

Pirates vs Cubs

Cardinals vs Rockies (under 10)

Phillies Clean House Send Victorino To LA and Pence To San Fran

http://espn.go.com/mlb/story/_/id/8218539/san-francisco-giants-acquire-hunter-pence-philadelphia-phillies-source-confirms

http://espn.go.com/los-angeles/mlb/story/_/id/8217491/los-angeles-dodgers-acquire-philadelphia-phillies-outfielder-shane-victorino

The Phillies are just cleaning house now that they're so far out of it. Today they sent Shane Victorino to the Dodgers for a shitty reliever and a low level prospect and they sent Hunter Pence to the Giants for a couple of prospects as well. All we heard all week was about Cliff Lee getting shipped off but this really came out of nowhere. Now look at that Dodgers outfield. Kemp in center, Eithier in right and Victorino in left, that's something to fuck with right there. As for the Giants I'm not really crazy about Hunter Pence. I know he's having a good year but I just can't take a major leaguer seriously who hits with one batting glove. That's little league bro, just wear two. I think the Dodgers are a serious threat to make a run now with the additions of Hanley and Victorino and the Giants are always dangerous with their pitching staff. The NL West just got a lot more interesting.

Guy Steals Beer From A Woman At Forkpoint, Should Probably Also Go To An AA Meeting When He Gets Out Of Prison

http://journalstar.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/lincoln-man-who-stole-woman-s-beer-gets-days/article_795bdf16-5036-5eb5-8323-1cfe3d94c23d.html

What do we have here? We have a guy, who looks exactly like the father from the Wayans Brothers show that used to be on WB 11 walking up to a girl and demanding she give him her beer. She says no. He goes back again, she says no again. He goes back a third time and lifts up his shirt showing her a utensil with a black handle that has silver on the end and thinking it's actually a knife she gives him her beer. Obviously she calls the cops and he gets caught. How badly did you need that beer bro? Like you couldn't just go to the store and buy exactly one can of beer for like a dollar seventy five? And to top it off it was a fucking PBR. It's not even like you stole a good beer, you stole the shittiest beer on the planet. It won best beer in like 1892 or some shit like that and it tastes like cat piss. Yet it was that important for you to have that beer. You're a fucking idiot. When you get out of your 30 day jail sentence may I suggest you go to some meetings. Poor, drunk and stupid is no way to go through like Daddy Wayans. I hope they take it easy on your ass while you're in the joint.

The Obnoxious Guy Who You Have To Put Up With

 

Everyone has that guy who's friends with one or two of your actual friends and you have to put up with him because they like him. Meanwhile this guy is a loser and the biggest anti poon on the face of the earth. You all know exactly who I'm talking about, he's the obnoxious friend who you have to put up with. 

He's the guy who's unemployed and still lives at home at like 29 years old, yet goes out partying on a Tuesday night. You have no idea how he affords this lifestyle, but you don't ask. And then not only do you have to put up with him being an obnoxious asshole, but you also have to put up with him scaring all the pussy away. When he's around it is literally impossible to get laid because no girls want to come near you or your friends because you're associated with this guy. 

And it's worse when you take a girl or a person from work with you to meet your friends and this guy just happens to be there. Then you have to introduce him as a friend and you're fucking mad that this guy represents one of your friends. Like you have to try your best to not kill him and then you take the girl or other person to the side and have to explain to them this guy isn't really your friend but you just put up with him. Then the girl just thinks you're trying to impress her and the person from work just thinks he banged your ex girlfriend, it's a vicious cycle. 

If you all think really hard about this, you can definitely find at least one person like this in your life. You hate when he's around, you have to tell him off ninety percent of the time, and to top it off you will never get laid when he's there. He brings nothing to the table and he doesn't even drive. What good is this fucking guy? No good, and when your actual friends tell you that he's always there for them all you need to respond with is, "That's because he has nothing else to do." After that they might see the light. If they don't just try not to associate with him. Although a tough feat to accomplish, where there's a will, there's a way. 

If She Wears That Sock Bun Hairstyle, She's A Cunt

 

What the fuck is with this sock bun hairstyle bullshit that the ladies have going on these days? I had no clue that the hairstyle of a medieval chinese woman was suddenly "in". As we can tell by the picture we all know the type of women who wear the sock bun hairstyle; cunts. 

"But it's just a hairstyle, what makes me a cunt?" First and foremost, Kim Kardashian does it, she is like the Queen of cuntville. Second of all, most females who think this hairstyle looks good are usually stuck up bitches who have a lot of daddy's money to spend. The only thing I really have to say about that is #richgirlproblems. 

Next, what is the appropriate venue to wear this hairstyle? I have no idea because as I stated earlier other than pictures from medieval China, I've never seen it anywhere. Award shows? Weddings? Modeling events? I have no fucking clue. It looks like a birds nest fucked a cinnamon roll and what came out just happened to land on your head. It doesn't even look remotely sexy. 

This is basically a long rant just telling you ladies to please get rid of this fucking stupid ass hairstyle. It is absolutely absurd the things that rich, cunty women do with their hair these days. If she wears this ridiculous thing on her head she is easily a stuck up bitch who will turn you down because you don't have a million dollars in your pocket. Write it down and remember it. Sock bun hairstyle equals cunty stuck up bitch. It's as consistent as gravity. 

Why Tim Tebow Sucks Today

Ladies and gentlemen, today it is very simple. I mean besides the fact that all ESPN talks about is the competition between this fag and Sanchez (which by the way there is no competition because Sanchez is the fucking starter) and I have to get their training camp passing stats against air, I just have about 13 seconds of a video that says it all right here. Don't pay attention to the Sanchez interview here. I only want you to watch the first 13 seconds. As you watch I want you to notice Mr. Tim Tebow in the background throwing a pass to a wide receiver from about the 8 second mark to the 12 or 13 second mark.



He basically just fucking skipped rocks to a wide open receiver. Is that not the worst fucking throw you've ever seen? Let me stress this one thing other than how absolutely awful this throw was. THERE WASN'T A DEFENSE ON THE FIELD! He was playing against air and threw the worst pass I have ever fucking seen an NFL QB throw. I have better accuracy playing catch with my fucking friends. Are we kidding? This is the guy you think is gonna overtake Sanchez as the starter? No chance bro. What the fuck is he gonna do against an actual defense? He's gonna get embarrassed. Tebow is a Chris Cooley type H-Back/Tight End/Fullback. That's what he is. He will not be starting for the Jets as long as Sanchez is there. Why? Because Sanchez is an actual quarterback and Tebow is not. And for the first of many, that is why Tim Tebow sucks today.

Asshole Of The Day Award

 

http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/2012/07/megan_merkel_up.php 

Here's an idea. Let's get so fucked up that we're still totally hammered at 7:45 in the morning, drive next to our boyfriend who is doing wheelies on his motorcycle, watch as he hits a person riding a bicycle and then run that person over while I'm driving. Sounds like a lot of fun. Oh, and then when we're done we can go on facebook and tell the haters to suck a dick and choke on it. Yeah this isn't being made up this actually happened. Fucking classy broad right here. You're drunk at 7:45 in the morning? Really? When they said, "It's 5 o'clock somewhere" they meant 5pm not 5am. So you have your DWI and next what will probably go down as vehicular manslaughter. But yes, keep telling the "haters" to "suck a dick and choke on it" because that's gonna get you places. Here's your t-shirt you stupid bitch. I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul. 

In The Spirit Of The Olympics, Here's A Chinese Hurdler Not Giving A Fuck

 

Look at this fucking guy. Just not giving a fuck about himself, the hurdles or anyone in his path. He had one plan and one plan only. And that was to just completely sabotage this race. Well my little asian friend, mission accomplished with flying fucking colors. Dude scored 100% on the sabotage meter. I love watching athletes who couldn't give a shit less. Shit's awesome. Clearly this guy just wants to pound Saki Bombs all day long and he deserved it after this performance.

C U Next Tuesday's: Stories Of Your Cunt Ex Girlfriends

Story from Pete (Winter Haven):

"It was just about that time of year again, early spring and the cunts were out in full force. I was going through a tough time trying to study for a huge test that I was taking in the middle of May. With all this shit going on, my girlfriend of three years decides to tell me that she wants a break. Perfect timing when I'm studying for what is most likely the biggest test of my life. Whatever, she wanted a break I figured fuck it, it'll leave me more time to study. Next thing I know a couple of weeks later I go out for the first time in forever and who do I see? My ex girlfriend, out with her "break". Yeah, she wanted to go on a break so she could basically fuck this other guy. Her plan was to fuck him without me knowing, see if she still cared about me and if she did come right back. Terrible idea on her part. I saw her out and the switch got flipped. I basically turned into a savage. As long as they had a vagina I was trying to bang them. When she tried talking to me about it she called me an asshole because I was going out and getting with girls when all she wanted was a short break. You don't take breaks to go fuck someone else, you might as well just cheat. Once you fuck someone else it's fair game for me. And that's what I told her. A cunt move that backfired. And we still haven't been back together since."

I mean what other reason could there have been for a break other than her just wanting some new cock to choke on? There wasn't another reason, that was the only one. You did the right thing. You moved on and realized that being an alley cat instead of a house cat isn't all that bad. Now you're just a savage tearing through vagina like a diesel powered combine. I love it. Just go out and try to get you some you. That's what it's all about now that you're on the loose. 

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Waffle Fries with Bacon and Melted Mozzarella

Late Night Programming: The Bourne Identity

Late Night Song: I Go Back by Kenny Chesney

Fun Fact: Contrary to popular belief, putting sugar in a cars gas tank will not ruin its engine...What the hell is the point?

Late Night Video:

And The Gold Medal For Best Camera Work Goes To This Guy

Meet Our Favorite Olympic Sprinter - Watch More Funny Videos

Winner, winner chicken dinner. He should get a gold medal just for shooting this. It's a thing of beauty.

Betz Of The Day

Today's Games

MLB:

Padres vs Reds

Mets vs Giants

Blue Jays vs Mariners (under 7.5)

Man With Olympic Fever Tries To Swim To America From France, With Predictable Results

http://www.gapyear.com/news/180402/olympics-epic-fail

Just getting swept with some Olympic spirit and telling your friends that you're gonna swim from France all the way to America for a total of 3,594 miles. His friends let him go because they thought he was joking. I mean who would actually think their friend was serious about this? Maybe me because I have a couple of friends who you wouldn't classify as "smart" but that's just me. Anyway, what happened to Ryan Lochte's protege? He was rescued by lifeguards about 300 yards out from where he started. Nicely done big guy, nicely done. I don't know where this ever sounded like a good idea. Like it would've sounded better if you told people you were gonna take a life raft there. At what point when you're swimming do you look around and say, "Fuck, this was probably a terrible idea"? I don't know because normally it doesn't get to that point. You may not have gotten to swim across the Atlantic but at least you made the list of epic asshole fails on the internet. See, there's a silver lining in everything.

Olympic Sports You Won't Be Watching Even When There's Nothing Else On

Everyone lately wants to talk about how patriotic they are that they watch every single event during the Olympics. First of all, you don't watch every event and second of all it doesn't make you more patriotic than the next guy because you sit there and watch synchronized swimming. Give me break bro. Here are a list of Olympic events no one's watching even when there's nothing else on TV.

Archery: Are you really getting excited over guys shooting arrows at a target?

Canoe/Kayaking: I don't even know how you find out you're good at this, but you know as well as I do that you're changing the channel once you see it.

Cycling: Where's the excitement without Lance Armstrong? Unless there's someone racing who just beat ball cancer, you'd be surprised how much no one cares about it.

Equestrian: Unless you're one of the seven people in the world who have done it, it's not going on your TV when you have nothing to do.

Fencing: See response for equestrian.

Handball: Do they even show this on TV? If they do I probably wouldn't be watching it unless every other channel was blacked out.

Sailing: How do you keep score at sailing? This is news to me.

Shooting: You don't need a hint of athleticism to be good at this. Why would you bother watching it?

Synchronized Swimming: We'll file that one under "Who gives a shit".

Honorable Mention

Weight Lifting: If my girl Holley Mangold isn't in it, I don't give a shit. But if she is in it, it's like a Paul McCartney concert; everyone wants to see it.

I Can Literally Watch Women's Volleyball All Day Long

I don't care what anyone says, every straight guy knows he can watch women's volleyball all day every day. I mean these chicks have the best bodies in the league and absolutely phenomenal asses. I mean what guy doesn't enjoy long sexy legs with a great tanker? You can't answer that because you can't find one. Even gay guys think these girls are smoking. I'm actually going to say that women's volleyball rivals women's soccer for the hottest female sport. It's no offense to any other women's sports, but soccer and volleyball are on a totally different level of sexiness. And yes, I would let any of these ladies spike a volleyball right in my face if it meant sleeping with them. Plus they're older and so much more seasoned than some of the young'ns that participate at the Olympics. It's safe to say that women's volleyball is my new favorite female sport and not just because I want to have sex with every girl on the team. Actually that's a lie. That's basically the only reason why.

Sidenote: Speaking of hot, Brazil's volleyball team is banging as well. And they have sexy nicknames. Turn that shit on immediately.

5 Signs You Two Should Stop Talking

You're talking to someone, you're a little on the fence about keeping it going because of some things they may or may not have said that have been red flags. Here are 5 signs that you two should probably stop talking...

5) They're making plans more than a week in advance: If you're talking to someone for less than two months and they're making plans with you more than a week in advance then run as fast as you can as far away as you can. Next thing you know you'll be making plans that require deposits that you can't get out of and then you're really fucked.

4) They start talking about feelings: If the person is talking about how they feel about you right away then you need to get out. The talk about feelings shouldn't come for at least a month and a half, if it comes before that you need to get out before you have them waiting outside your window with a deadly weapon threatening your life if you don't continue talking to them.

3) The What Are We Talk: The what are we or where are we going with this talk means get the fuck out right now. Everything is all well and good until that talk comes around. If you really know where it's going you shouldn't need the talk. If you do need this talk then obviously the person bringing it up is banging someone else.

2) A Lunch Date: You want a one way ticket to the friend zone? Go on a lunch date. You go to lunch with a cousin who you only see once every four months not a person you're trying to have sex with.

1) Anything that starts with the words "My Ex": If they start bringing up anything about their ex, it's time to go. Can you think of a reason they should be talking about their ex while they're with you? No. It means they're not over them. Get out now and save yourself the trouble. Or if you want the trouble you can just wait until they get back with their ex, then you'll tell me I was right.

Reader Email: "Cunts, Oh My God"

  

Email from Rob (Palisades):

"My best friend is at the point in his life where he just despises women. To him every woman on the planet who can breathe is a cunt. So much that when he goes out he doesn't even wanna talk to them. If they think he's cute and try to talk to him he'll just tell them they're a cunt. He's the type of kid that if a guy he doesn't know is talking to a girl, he'll walk over and tell the guy not to waste his time because she's a cunt. So the other night I'm hanging out at my house, my friend is over and we're just having a chill night watching TV. Next thing you know, I get a text message from the man who hates women. The only thing the text simply says is, "Cunts, oh my god." Knowing my friend, my interpretation of this meant that the place is crawling with women. This also meant he was probably well on his way to blacking out seeing as how he was going to be around a species that he hates so much. Does my friend need therapy or does he just need to bang some random chicks? I'm stumped so you tell me."

Your friend is great. That might be the greatest text message of all time from someone who's out at a place that's crawling with bitches up and down. It's true that they're all cunts, but you still should wanna bang them. It doesn't mean you have to talk to them after that, you can just bang them and then be the asshole who never calls. When you think like this you have to just be a total asshole to women. You get laid more and you stress less. By just going with the thought that they're all cunts (which they are) you're not helping yourself get laid. Just be nice, bang as many as you can and take it from there. So yes, your friend needs to bang some random chicks as soon as possible. Take him out and start him tonight. He needs it.

The Epitome Of The Mets Franchise Was On Full Display Saturday Night

 

Saturday night was a night that could have been special and memorable for the Mets and Ike Davis. However, instead of a special night it turned into showing the world what the epitome of the New York Mets franchise is. Ike Davis returned to Arizona, where he played his college ball at Arizona State and turned in a three home run game for the Mets on Saturday. Whenever a guy on another team hits three home runs in a game, they have anywhere between 5 and 8 RBI's. Not Ike though, he plays for the Mets. The Mets are so shitty that Ike Davis' three home runs were basically three singles up the middle with a runner on third base. Why? Because they were all solo fucking home runs in a game where they lost 6-3. So he hits three home runs, drives in the team's only runs, and they lose the game. Someone explain to me how exactly this works? This is unbelievable. The Mets are so shitty that a guy who bats in the middle of their lineup comes up three times, hits three home runs and not one time is there a guy on base for him. This is all you need to know about the Mets. That someone with a three home run game for them only results in three fucking runs. The New York Mets franchise just continuing to get laughed at. I have no idea why I support this mediocrity. But maybe one day it'll all be better. Who knows? A man can hope can't he? 

Asshole Of The Day Award

 

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/world/news/article.cfm?c_id=2&objectid=10823256 

"What must have seemed like a great idea at the time has backfired, resulting in the male receiving quite severe and very painful burns to his cheeks, back and private bits." Let me ask you a question here chief, when does sticking a fire cracker between your ass cheeks and lighting it ever seem like a great idea? I didn't think so. They also say that alcohol was a possible factor. Really? I would have never guessed alcohol could've been involved in something like this. My god guy, how fucking dumb are you. Now you have to go see a specialist to get your balls, ass and back looked at because of how badly you burnt yourself. Drunk and shooting fireworks out of your asshole is no way to go through life son. Here's your t-shirt. I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul. 

The Golf Cart Wedgie

 

I bet when you woke up this morning you had no idea that a video like this could even exist. Luckily for us there are morons like this dude who make shit like this possible. Just trying to be a tough guy and show off his ups when nature takes over and says not so fast my friend. The pain that his balls and his ass must be feeling right now are probably the same as a guy who just got raped in jail. Now I've never been raped in jail but if I had been, I would imagine it feeling a lot like this. 

Monday: Movie Clip Of The Week

Oh yeah I had to get some Old School up in this bitch to kick the week off eventually. Who doesn't enjoy the gymnastics scene from this movie? No one, unless you're a fucking communist really. Plus the fact that this scene epitomizes a Monday. You go hard and give it your best partying effort all weekend long only to wake up on Monday and realize you have to go to work. Just a swift kick right in the balls. It's all good though, four weeks of summer left. Let's fucking party.

The Late Night Special

  

Late Night Menu: Chicken Cheesesteak

Late Night Programming: The Olympics

Late Night Song: Lazy Afternoon by Rebelution

Fun Fact: The first Christmas card was designed in 1843 by JC Horsley...That last name is very contradicting for Christmas.

Late Night Video:

                                    

Sit On My Face Sunday's: BJ Video VS Nudie Pics

 

Oh yes, in the wake of a BJ video from Carly Rae Jepsen (which I still think is definitely fake) I have made an executive decision to put her up against Vanessa Hudgens and her nudie pics. Now if that is really Carly Rae Jepsen in that video I will retract my statement on twitter where I rated the BJ a 7 out of 10 and move it down to a 4. At least we know for a fact here that the Hudgens pics are real and she is real hot. I would vote Hudgens even though there's something about Jepsen that makes a guy say, "I really wanna know what she's like in bed." Either way, you guys are deciding, so start the voting.

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Deep Fried Twinkie

Late Night Programming: Batman Begins

Late Night Song: Lay Me Down by The Dirty Heads

Fun Fact: More than 10% of the worlds salt is used to de-ice American roads...That's awesome

Late Night Video:

Drunk Story Saturday's: She Took Advantage Of Me And Used Me

 

Drunk Story from Ben (Trumbull): 

"There had always been this girl who I was speaking to that I was friends with but the sexual tension was actually through the fucking roof. It happened to be my birthday and I had been drinking all day with my friend. Between three of us we spent $90 at Happy Hour with half priced drinks, that's how drunk I was before 8 o'clock came around. We went back out again at around 10 with all of my friends and I saw this girl out. She knew I was fucked up because she wanted to have sex with me more than I did with her, but once I got drunk I was trying to bang her. She's talking to me, kissing my face and giving me shots and then I somehow ended up leaving later on because we had a ride from another girl that my friend was gonna bang. We get back to my house and I have a text from the girl from the bar asking me what I was doing and if I wanted her to come pick me up. Obviously I said yes. She picked me up at my house, drove to her house, took full advantage of me, we fucked for like an hour because I couldn't feel my dick and then as I'm putting my clothes back on she looks at me and says, "Okay, now get the fuck out." I was like whoa, excuse me? She said, "Yeah, you're not sleeping over get out." I said, "Bitch, you drove me here so if you want me to leave you're driving me back the fuck home." Obviously she obliged. However, she took 100% full advantage of my drunkenness. She didn't want anything other than to bone me and then send me on my merry way. Turns out we did this like four more times throughout the year but still. I was used and abused on the night of my birthday nonetheless." 

Dude, when we use girls we're considered dickheads. When girls use us, we're considered the man. For this story alone, you are the man. I love every second of it brotha. Just getting used on your own birthday because a chick couldn't help but want the D. I'm impressed, and you should be proud. Email me sir, you get a t-shirt. 

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Cheese Quesadilla

Late Night Programming: Super Size Me

Late Night Song: Red Dirt Road by Brooks and Dunn

Fun Fact: Todays top fuel dragsters take off with more force than the space shuttle...That's fucked up shit

Late Night Video:

Betz Of The Day

Today's Games

MLB:

A's vs O's

White Sox vs Rangers

Rays vs Angels (under 8.5)

I Wanna Party In The Olympic Village So Bad I Can Fucking Taste It

http://espn.go.com/olympics/summer/2012/story/_/id/8133052/athletes-spill-details-dirty-secrets-olympic-village-espn-magazine

Holy shit. After reading the article in ESPN the Magazine I wanna go party in the olympic village so fucking bad I can taste it on the tip of my tongue. It's literally like a college fuck fest every time an event ends. Once events start to wind down the athletes just go on drinking rampages every night and just straight up nail anything and everything walking. Ryan Lochte banging hoes on balconies, Hope Solo talking about everyone getting smashed and then smashing each other, where else would you rather be? Whenever an article says that they ordered condoms like they ordered pizza, you know this shit is a party. 70,000 condoms weren't enough one year, they had to order 20,000 more. The Italians leaving their doors open for bitches to just walk in and fuck, and people just banging because they think they're never gonna see each other again. Yeah, it's basically your college senior week with stud athletes. And then on the night before the closing ceremonies the host team just throws a fucking Project X type of banger for everyone to remember as well as catch a curable STD. I'm going to just work on something like fencing or archery so hard for the next four years just so I can party in the olympic village. It's my destiny, and then I can die. But I have to get into the olympic village some way, some how. I can fucking taste it.

Here's Your 2015 New York Mets World Series Winning Lineup

Last night was a glimpse into the bright future of the New York Mets. Matt Harvey is just the first of many youngster we got coming up.

So without further adieu, here is your 2015 World Series winning team...

Catcher - Kevin Plawecki (2012 Comp pick)
First Base - Ike Davis
Second Base - Ruben Tejada
Shortstop - Gavin Cecchini (2012 First Round Pick)
Third Base - David Wright
Left Field - Brandon Nimmo (2011 First Round Pick)
Center Field - Matt Den Dekker (2010 3rd Round Pick)
Right Field - Kirk Nieuwenhuis

Starting Rotation -
1. Matt Harvey
2. R.A Dickey
3. Zack Wheeler (Beltran Trade, Former Top 10 pick)
4. Jeurys Familia (Triple A Stud
5. Jenrry Mejia (Remember Him?)

One could only hope...

Dude Wanted In Sweden For Banging A Sheep...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/27/sheep-sex-sweden-rape-_n_1710458.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news 

An elderly man in Sweden is wanted for allegedly banging a sheep right out in the open on his farm. Listen man once you decide to go to some sheep pussy you are out of the human pussy game for good. Like that is a firm decision, I am out of the human pussy game. What happens when your boy calls you up to go out? Do you just sit there and say, "Nah man, I'm chillin with my sheep tonight"? How does that work. You have to be sick in the fucking head. However, the funny part is that he was basically almost finished while the eyewitness walked by so he couldn't stop himself as he was blowing his load. That had to be hilarious to watch. Good news for him that unless he completely fucked the shit out of it and injured it, it's not a crime in Sweden. See the advantage living over seas has for sick bastards? Bad news for him, he's probably getting penis cancer. You made your own bed bro, now sleep in it.

How Awkward Is This For Mark Sanchez?

Um yeah, his name is Mark hun. Reason number one that women should stay in the kitchen instead of reporting on sports as this woman calls Mark Sanchez, Tim. Tim as in Tim Tebow who I fucking hate. Now everyone is making a big deal out of this as religious maniacs say this is foreshadowing and all this shit but they're all retards so their opinion doesn't count and niether does that moron Skip Bayless. This doesn't say anything, all it says is that shit is about to get real awkward at Jets camp with the media. Oh, and for the record if you're one of these people who think Tebow should be the starter you're a fucking idiot as well. But we all know that after that first interception all you morons will be chanting for Tebow in the stands. Let's see how many more times Sanchez will be called Tim for the rest of camp.

Who Is More Shallow? Men Or Women?

 

I just went there with the age old question of who is more shallow, men or women? And yes this picture is me being shallow. Every chick reading this right now is talking out loud saying, "Guys are so much more shallow than us." Before we jump to conclusions here girls, let's look at the facts. And the facts are that we are all fucking shallow whether you like it or not. 

For guys, we're shallow because looks dictate the girl we're gonna talk to. If she's not good looking, we don't wanna talk to her. She could have an awesome personality but we're never gonna know that because the only way to learn a person has a good personality is by talking to them. But we're not gonna look over and see a chick who looks like a mongoloid and say, "She looks like she has a great personality, I'm gonna go talk to her." No, you're gonna say something more like, "Wow, look at her tits. I'm trying to suck on those later." If you try to set us up with one of your friends you better make sure she's an eight and a half or better. We don't do charity work. 

And then women, you all think that you're all so deep. I'm laughing hysterically at that assessment. You won't even fucking acknowledge that a guy is there unless you think he's hot. And we're the shallow ones? You say how all guys are the same and then you go after the same guy who just fucked you over just because he's hot. I watch girls who are decent looking at best turn down guys because they think they can do better than them. Meanwhile this bitch is one more asshole guy away from being the fucking cat lady for the rest of her life. 

In the end who is more shallow? I don't have an answer. I know you want an answer but I don't have one. I'm actually gonna say we're both equally shallow. We're all shallow to an extent and nobody can deny that. Why? Because you never go after somebody that you're not attracted to physically. And those my friends are the facts. 

Reader Email: Does She Think I Have Time For Pointless Shit?

Email from Dennis (Maryland): 
"My now ex girlfriend and I actually just broke up over how much I work. I work a lot. I'm 25 years old and I just need to make money so that one day I can have nice shit. Why did we break up? Because we were together for three years and she thinks texting me all day every day is like still okay. Can I ask what exactly we have to talk about still after three years? There's nothing to talk about, and all I hear from her is pointless shit. I don't wanna talk about pointless shit because I don't have time for it. Why can't I just make a phone call at the end of the night or even when I get home from work? Does she really think I have time for pointless conversations? And that's why she broke up with me. But in reality I just don't have the time for dumb, meaningless conversations." 


Okay, I really have no idea what you're asking me here but I'm just picturing you ranting to yourself right now and laughing my ass off. Dude, it happens. Sometimes you just don't have time. Or sometimes you both think differently in your relationship. Once you start thinking differently though it's a recipe for disaster. It's a good thing you got out. Now you have to get back into the wild and start raw dogging some randoms. So this weekend go out there and B your L all over some girls T's. Random girls don't talk about pointless shit, they actually don't talk about anything at all. Therefore, you should be a happy man.

Guy Arrested For Washing His Nuts In A Water Fountain...Ten Feet Away From Children

http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2012/07/man_arrested_after_washing_gen.html

After talking to some kids and throwing a water balloon at them at a park water fountain this jackass decided to take his clothes off and start washing his balls in the water fountain. Haven't you ever seen Horrible Bosses? I mean that guy just took a piss at an empty playground at two in the morning and he got on the sex offender list. You one upped him and just decided to start washing some ball sack with kids around at 8:30 in the morning. I could see something wrong with that Sandusky Jr. If I had to pick one guy out of a lineup who would be washing hit nuts at a water fountain filled with kids it would definitely be you. Pedophile beard, pedophile look on your face, yeah it'd definitely be you. Congratulations sir, you are soon to be a registered sex offender.

I've Seen What I Need To See, Bring Them All Up

 

I'll be honest, I only watched this kid pitch for three innings last night and that was all I needed to see. He struck out seven in his first three innings and I watched a kid who wasn't afraid of anybody throwing absolute darts on the bump. Matt Harvey was throwing the ball between 93-97mph last night. He got the baseball and said to the hitters, "Here's my gas, try and hit it." And they weren't doing it. He went out on the mound, he threw hard, mixed his pitches well and most importantly he battled. He finished with 5 1/3 innings pitched, gave up three hits, walked three and he struck out 11. I can't remember the last time a Mets pitcher struck out 11 guys in a start and I'm not talking about R.A. Dickey doing it with smoke and mirrors. This is the shit I like to see, our prospects coming up and making some noise with us. I say bring Wheeler next and let him do his thing. Let's get the young arms up and see what they have. We're not going anywhere this year and with some Major League experience under their belt we might be able to do some awesome things next season. Well maybe not next year but let me at least dream. I haven't been this excited since I went to college and found out I could have sex with girls and never talk to them again. I've seen enough, Matt Harvey has me excited for this team in the future and I hope he's here to stay. 

Asshole Of The Day Award

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/26/nicholas-haviaras-arrested-taser_n_1706198.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news&ir=Weird%20News 

You know the old saying, "Shit happens when you party naked," and that's exactly what this kid was doing. I mean I have nothing against partying naked but when you're drunk and on acid and the cops try and subdue you it's probably not a good idea to start punching their windshield. The main reason this is probably not a good idea is because of the fucking taser that got involved later on. What's wrong with you bro? Drunk, high and naked at 3:15am on a Tuesday is no way to go through life son. Here's your t-shirt. I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul. 

Wow, Another Team Has Another Call Me Maybe Video...What Are The Odds?

What do you know? Another team with a Call Me Maybe video. This time it's the USA swim team, both the men and the women with the collaboration on this one. It actually kicks the shit out of the women's soccer team Party In The USA video but it doesn't come close to the Harvard baseball team Call Me Maybe Video. I would say the overall performance on this one I would probably give a B minus. It wasn't terrible, but it definitely wasn't original seeing as how so many other groups have done it and there were some parts where people were off sync. Plus the two main starts Phelps and Lotche made about a combined six second appearance. What's that shit about?

Defriendment Friday's

Byeeeeeeee

Steve the Hammer


The Culprit: Christina (middle name removed)


Status/Mobile Upload that broke the camel's back: Picture of herself in a bandana: "I'm a little late for pirate night but I'll always be a captain bitch"

Reason for Defriendment: I wouldn't know who you were if you sat on my face. Really, I have no idea who the fuck you are. See ya broad.

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Chicken Salad on a wrap with Bacon

Late Night Programming: Royal Pains

Late Night Song: Rockstar by Nickleback

Fun Fact: Cold water weighs more than hot water...I wonder why

Late Night Video:

                                        

University Study Shows Jager Bombs And Four Lokos Lead To A Better Chance Of Having Casual Sex

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/26/study-finds-mixing-energy-alcohol-university-at-buffalo_n_1706608.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

Look at this shit right here, if you mix energy drinks with alcohol the chances of you getting laid apparently increase. Why? Because when you're drinking caffeine you don't realize how much alcohol you're actually drinking so you want to drink more. My god if I would've known this in college I would've actually done the Jager bombs instead of drinking just the Jager shot like a big dog. I'm so upset with myself here. However, it is a useful piece of information to know for all you mother fuckers who make jungle juice at college parties. Throw some red bull in that shit, and girls will be ripping their clothes off in minutes. It's fucking genius.

Party Song Of The Weekend Brought To You By DJ Nicky Bentz

I'm a huge fan of this song. Mainly because it's a reminder that summer is winding down and you can't think about tomorrow just worry about tonight. This is called Too Late Tomorrow by Justin Michael featuring Matt Beilis the radio edit. I love everything about the beat and I love everything about this song in general. That means when you're out grab the closest member of the opposite sex next to you and just dance all night. We all spend too much time worrying about what's ahead that we forget about the here and now. So add it to your playlist and enjoy this weekend and the rest of your summer. And how about a big thank you to DJ Nicky Bentz for doing this every week for us and never forgetting. I love that guy in the non gayest way possible.

It Must Suck When Your Wife Is Better At Sports Than You

So I was watching the Dodgers/Cardinals game before and noticed that Matt Treanor is still in the Major Leagues. It takes a pretty hardcore baseball fan to even know who Matt Treanor is, but even the average person noes who his wife is. Olympic volleyball champion and smoke, Misty May.

Which got me to thinking. What are some of the best examples of wives who are better than their husbands at sports?


The Alpha: Candace Parker (WNBA)
The Loser: Shelden Williams (NBA Scrub)

First off, how the fuck does Shelden Williams get any female that looks remotely as good as Candace Parker? Beats me. But lets take a look at the numbers here.

Candace's awards on her wikipedia are unreal, but here's some of the big ones. WNBA MVP, 2 time Olympic gold medalist, WNBA Rookie of the Year, NCAA Champion, All-WNBA first teamer.

Here's Shelden's.. He's allowed to still play in the NBA.


The Alpha: Sanya Richards (Olympic Track and Field)
The Loser: Aaron Ross (Worst Giants Cornerback Ever)

Aaron started off good. He won a National Championship at Texas and was a first round pick with the Giants.

I remember the day he was drafted. Mel Kiper said Aaron ran a 4.40 40 yard dash, which is typically amazing, until Kiper's next comment was, "which is good unless you're fiancee can probably beat it".

Aaron won a couple Super Bowls, but I'd say 2 Olympic Gold medals and 6 other golds from World Championships beats two minimal contributions to Super Bowl Champions and having to play for the Jacksonville Jaguars this season. While Aaron's busy with that, Sanya is off to London to defend her 400 meter gold.


The Alpha: Misty May
The Loser: Matt Treanor

This one is pretty easy. Matt Treanor is a journeyman back up catcher who has played for 7 Major League teams and is a career .225 hitter.

Misty May is a 2 time Olympic Gold Medalist as well as World Champion another 3 times. Her volleyball partner Kerri Walsh has made the duo the most decorated beach volleyballers in the history of the sport.


The Alpha: Jennie Finch
The Loser: Casey Daigle

I can't hate on Casey Daigle that much because this dude has lived out every baseball players fantasy, which is to bed Jenny Finch.

They have two kids named Ace and Diesel; they're guaranteed future Major Leaguers right? 

Jenny Finch is the perfect woman to breed with if you want professional athlete children, period.

Unfortunately for Casey, his wife is a WAY better pitcher than he ever was. Casey is a career minor leaguer who has made 10 major league appearances, which were almost seven years ago.

Jenny is an Olympic gold medalist, World Champion, three time Collegiate All American and NCAA Champion.

She didn't lose a game in college until her Senior year and she's struck out Albert Pujols, Mike Piazza, Brian Giles and Paul Lo Duca.

Casey Daigle hasn't.

Betz Of The Day

Today's Games

MLB:

Dodgers vs Cardinals

Mets vs D'backs

Rays vs O's (under 9)

US Women's Volleyball Team Is Keeping Their Bikinis Giving Everyone A Reason To Still Watch

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/international/us_gals_bare_up_JmD8nS5fFXrp59nTztSvVN

Thank god we still have a reason to watch the US Women's Volleyball team at the upcoming Olympics. With a rule change that says that women can wear whatever they want and they don't have to wear just a bikini, the US team has said they will not be changing anything. Well fucking thank you for that one, now we actually have a reason to still watch this. I mean it's a women's sport so already nobody wants to watch it but now add the fact that they aren't forced against their will to wear bikinis and you have no reason to watch. I love how the US women are stepping up to the plate here and keeping on the bikini. You know what I always say. If you got it, flaunt it and then get naked in my bedroom. Is there anything that beats hot women jumping up and down in bikinis? I didn't think so.

This Just In: Turns Out We Actually Do Sexually Objectify Women

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/07/study-proof-that-we-sexually-objectify-women/260339/

Well there is now proof that we all actually do sexually objectify women. Best part about this is that even women sexually objectify themselves. What they did was they showed people a body part, asked them to identify it and then showed them the entire woman and asked them to identify something else. Turns out the responses were quicker when you put tits and ass in front of them than when you put a whole woman in front of them. Is this a real shock to anyone? Even women think that other women are sexy. So this basically should be classified under news that everyone already knew because we already knew this. Yes, if your tits are hanging out I'm looking at them and if your ass is phenomenal and round I'm looking at that too. When a really hot woman walks by you don't think we're just playing a highlight in our head of us laying down and them sitting on our face? We are, or at least my sick mind is. But you get the point. Yes, we sexually objectify you ladies, but we do love you. Because without you, all we would have is our right hand.

Why He's Really Dating The Ugly Chick...

 

We've all seen it before, the really good looking guy who's dating that ugly chick. Everyone sits there and wonders why he's with her, talks shit saying how he could get any other girl he wants and then says something about how great she must suck a dick. Or we also say how they both share an STD and are a match made in heaven. Regardless of what we say, I'm here to tell you that it might just be for show. It might just be for something bigger than we know about. 

Right now you're all thinking, "Steve, what the fuck are you talking about?" Oh trust me, I know exactly what I'm talking about. I've never done this before, but I've seen it done so many times that you might as well call me fucking in this department. Nostradamus. What does every fucking chick on the planet think about really good looking guys? Every girl thinks that every good looking guy is shallow. Now do you see what I'm on to? 

Not yet? Okay, I'll keep going. When girls think a guy is shallow, he needs to do something drastic to prove that he's not. Usually it entails getting fucked up and taking home a mongoloid. But the extreme good looking guys go above and beyond to assure that they will bang every hot chick that crosses their path when they're done. They wife up a fucking ugly chick for a little while. Why? Because once he gives the sob story to some smoking hot broad about how him and his ex broke up, she's gonna ask to see a picture. When he shows her the picture she's gonna be stunned. She's gonna say something like, "You can do so much better than her hun." Then she's gonna start making out with him, and it's in the fucking bag. He will never get turned down by a hot bitch ever again. It's fucking genius. 

I would gladly take four months of banging some troll under the bridge if it meant I was slamming tens for the rest of my life. Some think it's because he had beer goggle laser surgery, but I know the real reason. Beauty is not in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is beyond the horizon once bitches think he's not shallow. And that ladies and gentlemen is the reason that good looking dude is dating that ugly chick. 

Reader Email: My Gay Cousin Gets Me So Much Tang

Email from Chris (NYC): 
"I know you wrote a post about why guys need a gay best friend way more thank girls do but it really is the god's honest truth. My cousin came out of the closet a couple of months ago, I mean it wasn't really a surprise to me so it was just like whatever. Like he full on has a boyfriend and everything. One night he invites me to the city for his birthday and I drive in and I ask him if him and his boyfriend want a ride. They say yeah. They get in the car and they tell me to hold on because they have two of their friends coming they were still upstairs in the hotel. Now I'm thinking great I'm driving a fucking car full of gay dudes. Turns out their "friends" were two fucking slamming hot tens who were visiting from Miami. These two really rich and extremely hot girls get in the car and I'm just like holy shit this is really happening. Then my cousin starts talking me up to them telling them how awesome I am, what my job is and that I'm straight. These chicks were loving it. And they were the type of girls who would never even look at me if I tried talking to them on a normal night. Then we get to the bar and there's just a herd of gay dudes there. Suddenly a group of girls walk in and they were all 7's or better. Fucking A for me. Now all night these girls are talking to me and loving me and I just couldn't believe it because this normally wouldn't happen. Needless to say, they were crawling all over me because I was the only straight guy there, and the gay guys were talking me up because I was cool with them. Your theory is 100% correct. Straight guys need a gay best friend way more than women do." 


Tell me something I don't know. About 98.9% of my theories are absolutely fail proof. And this one is 100% fail proof. Gay guys will get a straight guy so pussy that you won't even know what to do with it. You'll have to toss the spillover vagina to your friends because you won't know what to do with all of it. And even better for you it's your fucking cousin, so it's not even like you two won't talk much since you're fucking related. Hang out with him and you are sure to get laid every time you go out. It's not even a question man. You will be swimming in tang for months. And yes I already know, I'm a fucking genius.

Does Anyone Else Just Wanna Punch Dwight Howard In The Face?

 

There is actually no one I would love to punch in the face more than Dwight Howard at the moment. Maybe I'm the one losing my mind here but I am so sick of hearing about this Dwight Howard soap opera that's going on in Orlando. He wants to go to the Nets, then he wants to go to the Lakers, then he wants to stay in Orlando, then he doesn't wanna stay in Orlando, then he got a fucking golf club shoved up his ass. Enough is enough, I'm sick of hearing about this asshole. He is the biggest cocksucker on the planet for this shit. He already got his coach and GM fired because of this shit and now he's just being a total prick. If I'm the Magic I would totally fuck this guy. He doesn't have a no trade clause so I would trade him to the shittiest fucking team and then let him decide whether he wants to play for them or not. I would get him out of my locker room and out of my organization. If someone actually wants this little cry baby bitch, let them deal with him but you can't win games cutting out cancer and that's exactly what he is right now, he's a cancer. I'm sick of hearing about something new every day and I'm sick of hearing his name. Either trade him immediately or make him be miserable and play out the rest of his contract. But don't let him run your show like he's been doing. He's the player, not the owner. And I say get him the fuck out and tell him not to let the door hit him in the ass on the way out. 

Asshole(s) Of The Day Award

 

http://www.news-journalonline.com/breakingnews/2012/07/deputies-office-cleaner-steals-30000-dental-machine-puts-on-sale-on-ebay-and-craigslist.html 

We can all come to one very obvious conclusion here. And that is that neither of these two idiots went to Harvard. Let's see what they did. They stole an X-Ray machine from a doctors office. After this is when things got stupid. They then put an ad on craigslist selling the X-Ray machine. What made them look at each other and say, "Holy shit! That's a great fucking idea!"? Because everyone knows that doctors totally shop for X-Ray machines on craigslist. The doctor they stole it from actually decided to get curious and check out a craigslist ad and saw his machine up for sale. He calls the cops and these two idiots get arrested. This is just genius at its absolute finest right here. Here are your t-shirts fella's, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your souls. 

This Kid Must've Really Pissed Off His Roommate

Ah yes, the good old take your roommate's chair apart and glue it back together so when he sits on it be basically breaks his ass and his back. Solid call right here. My question to the kid who made this video is what the fuck did he do to you bro? Did he bang your sister that you took so much time out of your day to take his chair apart and glue it back together again just so you could watch him laying there on the floor in pain? I mean this is just fucked up quite honestly. Kid just comes in having no idea what's about to happen to him and next thing you know he's in the hospital with a broken ass bone. I bet you feel like a real big man since you came up with this grand scheme.

Sidenote: What is it about having roommates that just makes you want to fuck with them?