The West Coast Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Cheese Fries

Late Night Programming: Benchwarmers

Late Night Song: Good Directions by Billy Currington

Fun Fact: A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't bring her coffee...Go ahead, it'll be the happiest day of that man's life.

Late Night Video:

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Fried Eggplant, Fresh Mozz, Roasted Peppers on a Roll

Late Night Programming: Mrs. Doubtfire

Late Night Song: Keep Me In Mind by Zac Brown Band

Fun Fact: The cost of raising a medium sized dog to age 11 is about $4,000...Dogs are like having a kid.

Late Night Video:

Urban Dictionary Find of the Day

 

Mason Jism Line: 

The area on a woman's body above which she is not okay with a man shooting their load after pulling out before climax during intercourse. Usually the breasts or upper-chest; a woman's acceptable cumshot boundary. 
A verbal play on the mason dixon line that was the dividing line between the Northern and Southern states during the U.S. Civil War.

Man: "She won't ever let me cum on her face." 
Friend: "What? Really? What about on her tits?" 
Man: "Yeah, she's okay with that- she just tells me to keep it 'below the mason jism line'."

What Would You Do to Sleep With Kate Upton?

 

We all know who Kate Upton is. No matter what shit anyone talks about her every guy knows that if they had her naked in a bedroom that they would probably pull a Jim from American Pie and prematurely ejaculate all over themselves. After seeing this video: 

 

All I really thought to myself was how I wished I could be this male model. And then I thought deeper about it.

What would you do to sleep with Kate Upton is the question? Personally, I would do disgusting and unforgivable things to play just the tip with her. Like if someone told me to sleep with Kate Upton I would first have to let a 300 or so pound woman sit on my face after walking a mile in 100 degree heat and eating Taco Bell I would sign on the dotted line right then and there. 

Don't judge me. All you men out there know you would do the same thing. Why wouldn't you? In life you have to do shit that you don't wanna do so that one day you can actually do what you want. It's the same premise here. If it means being suffocated by a fatty with swamp ass for a couple of minutes I'll do the damn thing and enjoy every second of it. 

What would you guys do? How far would you go to sleep with this beautiful creature? As long as you don't go to the point where you're making out with another dude then I'm okay with your answer. Please tell me what you would do to sleep with Kate Upton. I will post the best ones on here later in the week. Email hammer@talkofthetown.me, tweet me @thtalkofthetown or comment on this. I'm expecting gold out of this one people, don't let me down. 

This Can't Be Legal

 

Dude, I don't know what type of crazy R-Kelly shit you're into but this definitely cannot be legal. 

NHL Playoff Preview

 

The NHL Playoffs are finally here. I am going to give you my favorites, the teams to watch out for and the teams who will be going home early. Here we go. 

Favorites: Out of the Eastern Conference the favorites have to be Pittsburgh, Montreal and Boston. I do not see anybody beating a healthy Pittsburgh team in the Eastern Conference. They're so good it's almost unfair. Plus Crosby will be back for the postseason. Does anyone realize that the NHL points leader (Martin St. Louis) had 60 points and Sidney Crosby finished in 3rd with 56 and missed the last few weeks? That's how much better he makes the Penguins. As far as the West goes Chicago has been the best team from start to finish but do not count out the Kings (they're the defending champs) and do not count out the Ducks. I haven't seen much of the West but from what I have seen, those are my favorites. 

Sleepers: The sleeper teams to watch are always fun. the Rangers are my sleeper team out of the East. Here's why. They have a favorable first round match up with Washington and they have Henrik Lundqvist between the pipes, which means that they have a chance in every game as long as he plays well. In the West my sleeper team is Detroit. They have too much pride and too much history out in Hockey Town and Mike Babcock is one hell of a coach. Do not sleep on the Red Wings come postseason. 

Teams Going Home Early: There won't be an eight seed going on a magical run this year. I just can't see it happening. The Islanders have very little chance against the Penguins in the East and the Wild have a punchers chance against the Blackhawks out West. But who I really think will be going home early will be the Toronto and San Jose. Boston and Vancouver are bad first round match ups for those teams and recently they really haven't had much playoff success. It's a new season and anything can happen but I see first round exits for both the Leafs and the Sharks. 

In Florida Today

http://www.actionnewsjax.com/content/topstories/story/Burglary-suspect-admits-to-performing-sex-act-in/xEHCSlPwAki_uClGVzjFbQ.cspx

Now that's the face of guilt if I've ever seen one. Let's look at the facts here. This guy broke into a house and then went into the bathroom to masturbate. He then found a remote control helicopter that he started playing with and ate a salad that he brought with him. No, I'm not making this up, who the fuck brings a salad with them when they're going to rob a house I don't know, but this guy apparently does. Anyway, he then went back into the bathroom to jerk it some more and heard noises outside, he ran outside and there was a cop with his gun drawn. They found on him a bag of weed, drug paraphernalia, a wig and a towel. A wig? This guy is breaking into peoples houses in a wig eating salads and jerking off in their bathrooms. The only thing I picture is this guy in a wig and a towel looking in the mirror saying, "I'd fuck me."

South Korean Teacher Beats Student For Not Removing Headphones, Then Masturbates in Front of the Class

http://gawker.com/bad-teacher-hits-misbehaving-student-masturbates-in-fr-481407694

You literally couldn't make this up if you tried. A teacher known as Mr. A in South Korea beat the piss out of a student for refusing to take out his headphones and then apparently decided it would be a good idea to just casually pull down the old trousers and start rubbing one out right outside the classroom. You can see in the picture his pants are clearly down and his hand is clearly on his pecker. And no, he doesn't have a mental problem, he just lost his mind for this split second of time and this is what happened. If you can't believe this is real life, read the article. It's as real as it gets.

IN THE FACE!!!!!!

IN THE FACE!!!!!! IN THE FACE!!! That's all I really need to say about this one. Shit like this happens to dumb people. Be smarter next time, jackass.

You're Very Up Front...

 

Just put it all out there from the get go. I like your style and I can't say I disagree with you. I'm all about the vagina too. 

The West Coast Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Pancakes and Home Fries

Late Night Programming: Wet Hot American Summer

Late Night Song: Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney

Fun Fact: The city with the most Rolls Royces per capita is Hong Kong...They have the most people as well.

Late Night Video:

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Wendy's Baconator

Late Night Programming: Dude, Where's My Car?

Late Night Song: When I Come Around by Green Day

Fun Fact: Research determined that most people are happiest at 7:26pm on Saturday night...Most people are probably annihilated from day drinking by then on Saturday too.

Late Night Video:

Glad to Hear It

 

Haven't seen my friends in a while and I was just checking in to see how things were when I got this text. Well I'm glad to hear it. Sounds like it's been a good two weeks for you. 

Urban Dictionary Find of the Day

Man Stand:

The act of a male positioning himself in a location to ensure maximum visibility and likelyhood of attracting inviting glances from females of the same species with the ultimate goal of having sexy time, or words to that effect. Me: Wow this bar is choc-a-bloc with punanny tonight! Dennis: You said it bro. I'm gonna do a Man Stand next to that gaggle of blondes.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet the Drunken Master

When he went down, I literally thought he was just falling on his face and he was dead. And then I realized he high tailed his act into the worm. That's just straight up being a boss. He totally Mr. Miyagi'd the shit out of me on this one. Also, don't know where this party was but if he didn't get the dance floor really going after this move all other spectators should all be ashamed of themselves. This jacked me up so much I wanted to get out there and break it down. Also, because of this move he gets a free pass on those pink shorts.

Jason Collins Becomes the First Openly Gay Professional Athlete

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/magazine/news/20130429/jason-collins-reveals-gay-nba-story/

Jason Collins a 12 year NBA center has come out as the first openly gay professional athlete in North American sports. I say good for him. People are closed minded, this isn't the 70's anymore people have to get over the fact that there are professional athletes out there who are actually gay. Him being gay shouldn't effect you as a person or the locker room. Besides gay guys look at straight guys like straight guys look at manly lesbians. Meaning, that us straight guys are disgusting to gay guys. They know we're not gay and they don't want to do gay things to us. So everyone who actually thinks that is an idiot. He's a free agent now and some think he'll have trouble finding another team to play on. This may be true, but now he's a headline for a small market team looking to get fans in the stands. It was bound to happen eventually. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. If you do, that's a you problem. Good for this guy, I hope he gets on another team and does the damn thing on the court.

Sidenote: You guys thought I was gonna make locker room shower jokes didn't you?

Jet Fans: Why Geno Smith Is NOT the Answer at Quarterback...

I know Jets fans are all excited that they just drafted another quarterback to add to that roster but I have some bad news for all of you getting excited about it. Geno Smith is not the answer at quarterback for this team. Let's look at some reasons why.

First of all, if the Jets were so high on Smith they would have used one of their two first round picks on him. They had the chance to draft him early, yet they passed. What does that tell you? Secondly, if Smith is so good then why would 5 quarterback needy teams pass on him in the first round? If the Jets didn't take him where they did it is very possible that Smith could have slipped all the way into the third round.

Next, his college numbers are misleading. I'm not talking about the fact that he played against the Big East and then the Big XII with atrocious defenses. I'm talking about the fact that 60% of his passes were bubble screens caught behind the line of scrimmage. He only threw the ball down the field over 15 yards 28% of the time.

Of his five touchdown passes in that Orange Bowl game from two years ago three of them were caught behind the line of scrimmage. His game basically consisted of long handoffs to Tavon Austin and Steadman Bailey who did the rest of the work. He isn't this well kept secret who people just don't know about. He isn't Russell Wilson.

Finally, the question marks about his leadership and him being hot headed were answered this weekend as well. First it was when he walked out of the draft. Sure it's embarrassing but come on man, you can't walk out before the first round ends regardless. The second was when he responded to the critics on twitter. You know what leaders don't do? They don't respond to critics on twitter. Have you ever seen Eli, Peyton or Brady respond to critics on twitter? No. The critics were answered this weekend, and that's the bottom line. Geno Smith will probably start this year, but you set your franchise back another three years with that pick because it's not going to work out.

I've Said It Before and I'll Say It Again, Dwight Howard is a Cancer

 

From the day that the Lakers acquired Dwight Howard I said that I would not want him on my team. Everyone told me how wrong I was, how he was the best center in the league, and how the Lakers would be going to the NBA Finals and were the unanimous favorite to win the west. But then something amazing happened, the season actually started. 

Right off the bat you could tell that Howard wasn't going to work with Kobe on this team. Howard wants to be the guy and when someone else is the guy he gets selfish and upset. That compounds by him deciding he doesn't want to rebound and play defense. He's like a moody woman when he doesn't get his way on the court. 

Once the whole saga happened in Orlando with him getting Stan Van Gundy fired and saying he wanted out everyone had to know the serious character issues with this guy. It all culminated yesterday. In an elimination game for the Lakers Howard pulled a move that only a selfish guy would pull. He lost his cool and got ejected with his team already shorthanded and on the verge of going home. The Lakers played the entire second half without him because Howard is all about Howard. 

If you're an NBA GM and you saw what happened yesterday and you watched him play the entire season would you give him max money? I certainly wouldn't. You can't pair him with anyone else because he wants to be the guy all the time but he's not good enough to carry a team by himself to the title. Especially in this league now that's evolving into an outside shot, three point shooting league. Howard is a locker room cancer who's selfish and only cares about himself and his stats. Someone will pay him max money, but if you're that team you're in for a nice divorce. It's a train wreck waiting to happen with him. 

Why Game 4 Was Such a Bad Loss For the Nets...

Saturday's triple overtime thriller in Chicago was a game the Nets needed to have. Already down 2-1 in the series the Nets needed a win to tie the series and take back home court advantage for game 5. But they couldn't find a way to win the game and now they are on the verge of elimination. This was a bad loss all around for the Nets and I'm going to tell you why.

It wasn't just the fact that they let a 14 point lead slip away with three minutes to go in the 4th quarter. Sure that was bad, but that wasn't the reason it was a bad loss. It was part of it, but not the main reason. And it also wasn't the fact that they are now down 3-1 in the series. That isn't what made this such a bad loss either.

What really made this a bad loss was the fact that Nate Robinson who murdered them from the end of the 4th quarter on fouled out in the second overtime. And then Joakim Noah fouled out at the start of the third overtime. Deron Williams, Brook Lopez and Joe Johnson remained in the game for the Nets. Your three best players couldn't get the job in the last overtime against a team without their two best weapons.

That is the reason this was such a bad loss. Because the guys your team paid big money to in the off season couldn't get it done when it mattered the most against a group of second string guys. Maybe it's coaching and maybe this Nets team isn't that good. But when you have your stars still in the game when the other team loses theirs, you can't let it slip away. You had their backs against the wall and you let them off the hook. And now you're on the verge of going home. When the Nets get sent packing tonight they will have no one to blame but themselves. This series is officially over.

In Florida Today

 

http://www.nwfdailynews.com/local/crime/police-blotters/report-man-skips-out-on-bill-pays-bill-then-gets-mad-1.133882 

A dude in Florida who skipped out on his bill at Buffalo Wild Wings a week earlier, returned to the restaurant, paid his bill and then got belligerent with the server. He verbally abused his server so bad that cops had to come escort him out of the place. Upon arrest, cops say there was a strong oder of alcohol on his breath. I would have never guessed that a guy who went back to a place to pay his bill that he walked out on and then started verbally abusing people would have been drunk. I would have had absolutely no idea. This is like robbing a bank and then going back to take cash out. The dumbest people on earth live in Florida. That's my conclusion. 

New York Jets Release Tim Tebow

http://espn.go.com/new-york/nfl/story/_/id/9222870/new-york-jets-cut-tim-tebow

With six quarterbacks on their roster there was no secret that one or two had to go. The first one to go is Tim Tebow. He was released this morning and now the circus is officially out of town. This never worked, this was never going to work, and now Tim Tebow is unemployed. Tebow was never going to be their starter, he's never going to be a star in this league and nobody even knows how to use him. You can't use him like a conventional QB because he can't throw. He's the equivalent to a Sham-Wow. You have no idea what it is, you have no idea how to use it and you have to see how to actually make it work before you buy it. You don't know what Tebow is, therefore there is no place for him on an NFL team. He needs to go play in Canada and try and reestablish that he can play and then maybe he'll get another shot in this league. But for now it looks like Tim Tebow will not be playing in the NFL for a while and maybe never again.

Guy Gets Naked, Attacks Two Police Officers and Then Gets Tased

http://www.heraldextra.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/police-use-taser-on-naked-man-in-provo-canyon/article_3db87a3c-9f37-507f-866e-a300c57f337b.html

It's only Monday but you can already mark the freaked out naked man gets tasered after charging police story off the list. When the police arrived at the park the naked guy wasted absolutely zero time. He saw them and then proceeded to charge at them. And then the most predictable thing happened. He got tased not once, but twice. The toxicology reports came back negative so the verdict on this one is that he's just out of his fucking mind. Sounds about right to me.

The Most Ridiculous Hockey Save You Will Probably Ever See

I can honestly say that I have never seen a save like this before. Going behind his back with the glove and just snagging the puck out of the air like it ain't no thang is absolutely boss. Any ladies who love hockey players are probably throwing their panties at this dude.

Well Played Sir

 

I don't think that's going to work but I can appreciate the effort. However, the weird hat and the creepy goatee do not help your cause. 

Late Night Special West Coast

Late Night Menu: McDonald's McChicken Sandwich and Large Fries

Late Night Programming: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Late Night Song: Days Go By by Keith Urban

Fun Fact: If Barbie were life size her measurements would be 39-23-33...She'd probably be a whore too.

Late Night Video:

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: BBQ Chicken Tenders

Late Night Programming: Miami Airport 24/7

Late Night Song: Started From the Bottom by Drake

Fun Fact: When you lie the temperature in your nose actually rises, it's called the Pinocchio effect...I get it.

Late Night Video:

Sit On My Face Sundays

Emma Watson

VS

Erin Heatherton

Who Would You Rather Have Sit On Your Face?
	Emma Watson
	Erin Hetherson
pollcode.com free polls

I know the consensus on this one will probably be Emma Watson but Erin Heatherson can put up a fight here. This is a dick crushing battle for the ages. Start voting now!

Saturday Night Special

Saturday Night Drink Menu: Grey Goose Pear and Pineapple Juice

Saturday Night Bite: Pizza Rolls

Saturday Night Jam: Elements of Life by Tiesto

Saturday Night Fun Fact: Monday is the only day of the week that has an anagram: dynamo...Everyone still hates Mondays. 

Saturday Night Video: 

Drunk Story Saturdays: The Bear and Grill

Drunk Story from Calvin (Connecticut): 
"It was the fist Friday night of my senior year of college. The first Thursday, Friday and Saturday of every semester are always the best nights just because everyone is definitely going out because they want to set the tone for the semester. Senior year has a different feel to it though because everyone knows it's their last go around and most people don't know how to control themselves. Me and my buddy were one of those people on this night. We got incredibly fucked up at my house and instead of staying for the party at my house we decided to go out. The rest of what I tell you is what I heard from my boy and his girlfriend because I don't remember anything. All I know is I woke up the next day to about 15 text messages from my friend telling me he needed me to meet him at his place immediately. When I went to his place he told me we owed this restaurant $1,500 for damages. Apparently we ripped all the stuffing out of a couch they had in the back and then put all the stuffing back in and tried to cover it up. We then made our way to the bar where the bartender told us he saw the whole thing and that we would have to pay the damages. Well, I then supposedly verbally abused him to the point that the owner told me, "He needed counseling," and I said things to him you wouldn't say to a piece of shit on the street. Once again, I don't remember any of it. Finally, as I was verbally abusing the bartender, my buddy pulled down this giant wooden statue of a bear that the place had. It's like an 8 foot tall wooden bear and my buddy climbed it, rode it to the floor and then proceeded to try and kick it's head off multiple times. All of this added up to $1,500 in damages and a lifetime ban from the place. I think it's safe to say the start of my senior year was fairly decent." 

There's nothing worse than waking up to a bunch of text messages and not knowing what the person who's texting you is talking about. It's almost depressing. Until you find out that this is what your night was like and you got a lifetime ban from a place. That's tough to do. I applaud your partying but I just need to ask you one question. What the fuck were you drinking?

Late Night Special West Coast

Late Night Menu: Klondike Bar

Late Night Programming: Adventure Time

Late Night Song: I Got 5 On It by Luniz

Fun Fact: Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself...That's good to know.

Late Night Video:

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Toasted Almond Ice Cream Bar

Late Night Programming: Mad Men

Late Night Song: Encore by 50 Cent, Dre and Eminem

Fun Fact: A Tibetan Mastiff is the most expensive dog in the world...Never even heard of it, that must be why it's expensive.

Late Night Video:

Urban Dictionary Find of the Day

Twitter Bang:

Hooking up with someone who you've spoken less than 140 words to.

Sarah: How did you meet Rafael?

Jenn: At some random friend-of-a-friends' party. I'm not sure even how we ended up in bed. We pretty much met over brunch the next morning.

Sarah: Sounds like a twitter bang!

Is It Me or Does Every Miami Heat Game Look the Same?

 

How many times have we seen this movie? It's almost like every game the Miami Heat play is the same exact type of game. The way they start, the way they feel the other team out and then the way they finish is the same formula they use against every team they play. Let me explain.

To begin, they never start fast. Early in the game you either see them behind or in a tight battle pretty much every time. It's almost as if they're feeling the other team out to see what type of intensity they're playing with and then they make their adjustments from there.

Next comes the adjustments. A quarter goes by, they've had some time to see what their opponent is doing and now they're making the necessary adjustments on both ends of the floor. Usually by halftime the Heat are either down by a few points or have just a slight advantage. That's when the wheels come off.

Finally, the third quarter is where they start to separate themselves. Their defense clamps down, they start forcing more and more turnovers and suddenly those open shots the other team was getting in the first half are now contested every step of the way. Miami will grab some long rebounds and get out in transition and before you know it, you're down by fifteen points in the blink of an eye.

I'm not only talking about the way they've been playing against the Bucks, they've been doing it to teams all season long. Every game they play looks the same. They start slow, make the adjustments, and then they pull away in a heartbeat. Get used to it, it's their formula and they don't look like they'll be going home any time soon.

The Jets Continue to Amaze Me

The New York Jets just continue to amaze me year in and year out. It's almost unfathomable at this point what their front office is doing. I understand the Revis trade for a second first round pick. But what I don't understand is their use of that pick. If you're trading your best player for a draft pick then you better make sure you get that draft pick right. In this case, the Jets didn't.

I'm sure Rex Ryan knows much more about defense than I do, but you got your cornerback with your first pick. At 13 you didn't even take the guy who was considered the best available player. There were three other defensive tackles rated higher than him and you run a 3-4 and you drafted a smaller 4-3 type defensive tackle. He doesn't fit your system.

Next, your offense is flat out atrocious. Everyone wants to blame Mark Sanchez but your organization has set him up to fail with the combination of no weapons and the circus that is Tim Tebow. Speaking of setting him up to fail, WHERE IS THE HELP? You had two first round picks and you didn't use one on any offensive help. You lost your running back in the off season and your wide receivers take twenty five minutes to get down the field. You're telling me the best you could do was a defensive tackle who doesn't fit your system?

It's not even surprising anymore, the Jets just don't get the concept of the draft. Sure, I know they need a lot of pieces but you needed to use that second first round pick to help out your quarterback. You've done nothing for the guy for two full years now. If he fails and gets run out of town it's totally on your organization. I would love to make fun of the fans but I just feel bad for you guys at this point. If you pay money to go watch this joke of a franchise play football games this season you're out of your mind. You were in prime position to help your football team and you turned into one of the big losers of the first round.

Hide Ya Wife, Hide Ya Kids, Hide Ya Husbands Because Danica Patrick is Officially Divorced...

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/nascar/2013/04/25/danica-patrick-divorce-ricky-stenhouse-jr-nascar-sprint-cup/2113299/

After seven years of marriage to her physical therapist Danica Patrick is now officially divorced. She filed in January but it became official yesterday. She's apparently dating some guy Ricky Stenhouse Jr. who's a rookie on the NASCAR track now and says she's been dating him since she filed for the divorce. My thoughts on that are quite simple. She was banging this new NASCAR guy, and then decided to get divorced. So basically what I'm saying is hide ya wife, hide ya kids and hide ya husbands because Danica Patrick is officially divorced and getting ready to crush dick everywhere.

In Florida Today

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/strange/floriduh-blog/sfl-flduh-fun-with-himself-at-the-beach-20130424,0,6637991.story

Here's a tip, don't jerk off at the beach with people around. This guy just decided it was cool to whip out his hammer and casually crank it in public. The woman who complained to the cops said that he was, "doing it so hard that his whole body was shaking". Listen, I've flogged my dolphin many times in my day but I don't think there has ever been a time where I was jerking it so hard that my entire body started shaking. What the fuck was this guy thinking about? She said she looked up to check out some kites that were flying and there he was just making it like he was in his bathroom with a nudie mag. It's Florida so my shock factor doesn't even exist with this state anymore. Things like this are basically expected at this point.

Little Kid Gets Owned by the Mailman

Hey little bro, don't be standing on the tracks when the train's coming through. And rub some fucking dirt on it next time, all you did was hit the floor it's not that big of a deal. Get the fuck up and walk it off like a man.

One of the Best Prank Calls You'll See All Day

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes I fucking love this. If for no other reason than that the guy on the other end of the phone knew it was a prank, yet played along with it. Absolutely perfect. I love all types of mock Indian accents. Because when they're good, they're really good.

Now Those Are Nice Shorts...

 

Part of the job when it comes to being a security guard clearly isn't looking tough. He's drinking kool-aide, his gut hangs over his belt buckle and I have boxer shorts longer than those fucking things he's wearing. 

Late Night Special West Coast

Late Night Menu: Funfetti Cake

Late Night Programming: Parks and Recreation

Late Night Song: Sweat by Davis Guetta and Snoop Dogg

Fun Fact: McDonald's sold pizza in the 80's...That's actually disgusting.

Late Night Video:

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Peppers and Eggs on a Hero

Late Night Programming: Wilfred

Late Night Song: Kryptonite by Purple Ribbon All Stars

Fun Fact: There are about 50,000 people living in Japan who are 100 years or older...That's craziness.

Late Night Video:

Urban Dictionary Find of the Day

Birmingham Booty Call: 

The act of putting your cell phone on vibrate, putting it in your partner's ass and then giving it a call. i really enjoy a birmingham booty call from my husband while i'm fucking his best friend.

Your Boy is a Snake

Gentlemen, let me ask all of you a question. When you go out for your boy's birthday, do you ever even think about making him pay? Like say you and one of your other boys decide to take out your friend for his birthday for a couple of drinks. Would you make him pay?

Because I was so jacked up the other night when three dudes came out for the birthday of one of their main boys. They sit down at the bar and one of the guys orders the first round of drinks. Then he says, "it's his 21st birthday we've had a long week." Hold on, it gets better. Then the kid who's birthday it is hands me his credit card.

All I was thinking was that if your boy is letting you give your card on your birthday he's a fucking snake. Yeah sure maybe he cares because he's out with you on your birthday, but he should NEVER be letting you be the guy who gives the card. And then orders a bunch of shit because your card is up there and then finishes by making you pay.

Am I wrong here? Gentlemen, I know your boys are all dickheads but would you really make them pay for you on their birthday? That's just being a snake and taking advantage of a nice guy. Don't mistake kindness for weakness, it's the biggest mistake you can make.

So I'm Pretty Sure I Have a Being Sober Problem

 

I think I have a problem when I bartend. I really think I have a being sober issue. And I don't mean I can't control myself and not drink behind the bar, I mean I am an absolutely terrible employee when I am not drinking. Let me explain. 

This started a while back when I began driving to work. Obviously if I drive to work, I'm not going to drink. I'll save my liver years of pain and I'll save myself never being able to get a job ever again because of something stupid. But my god am I an awful fucking bartender when I'm sober. I can't name all our beers, I can't answer simple customer questions and apparently according to my manager and other employees I look totally miserable. 

And then there was the night I made the fuck up of all fuck ups. I handed someone the wrong credit card, and they left with it. Now I have had nights where I passed out in the back of the bar after closing, I have even been so drunk that I have had to nap on the office floor downstairs. And on those nights I have never fucked up as bad as I did stone cold sober handing a person the wrong credit card. Should they have known that it wasn't there card? Absolutely, but I should've known better than that also. 

I'm telling you, when I drink behind the bar I'm flawless. I'm like Tom Cruise in Cocktail. My cash drawer is always on point, I can tell every customer everything they want to know and people tell me I'm the best bartender ever. When I'm sober I'm like that kid with downs syndrome who's forced to be in class with the normal kids. Should I just accept the fact that I may need to be drunk every time I'm behind the bar? You tell me, that's why you're here. You're the fans. 

5 Underrated NFL Draft Prospects

The NFL Draft begins tonight with Round One. With an extremely cluttered class and no stand out stars there are bound to be some guys who are flying under the radar. So here I give you the 5 most underrated NFL Draft Prospects.

Kevin Minter (ILB LSU):

Kevin Minter is an inside linebacker who really went unnoticed on an LSU defense that featured a lot of studs. However, if you watched any film on him you know he was the heart and soul of last year's LSU team. He has ideal size for an inside linebacker at the next level and is extremely solid defensively. He's also a good tackler who uses his hands well to get off blocks. Minter may not be a high pick and may not stand out in any one area, but he will be a solid NFL player.

Montee Ball (RB Wisconsin):

 

Everyone has a huge problem with Wisconsin running backs strictly because of passed guys from there. However, Ball is a different type of runner. After his sophomore year he made the commitment to become more nimble and quick and followed that up by leading the country in total yards and touchdowns in his junior season. In a down senior season for an overachieving Badgers team he still averaged 5.1 yards per carry and scored 22 touchdowns. 

EJ Manuel (QB Florida State):

 

The first thing you notice when looking at EJ Manuel is his sheer size. He's 6'5 237 and is almost like a Ben Roethlisberger type because he throws first and makes plays with his feet when he has to. He is also very shifty in the pocket. The knock on him is that he didn't play well in the Florida game last season. Guess what? No one played well against Florida, ask Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel how his Florida game went. Manuel is my sleeper at the QB position in this draft class. He may sit for one of two seasons, but he will be a solid NFL QB when he gets his chance. 

Jarvis Jones (OLB Georgia):

 

Yes, because of his size his versatility is limited. He is strictly an outside linebacker. However, he's a pass rushing, play making outside linebacker and has definitely been the premiere sack artist in college football over the last two seasons while playing against the best competition game in and game out against SEC competition. He has some medical injury concerns but he uses leverage and turns speed into power on his way to the quarterback. Jones will turn into a top NFL pass rusher. 

Alex Okafor (DE Texas): 

Somehow this guy Hunt from SMU is rated higher than Okafor but here are the facts. Okafor played against much better competition at Texas than Hunt did at SMU. And with offenses keying in strictly on Okafor he still recorded 17.5 tackles for loss, 12.5 sacks and 4 forced fumbles. He will be a solid edition to any NFL team. He's was all about production in college and that's what the team who drafts him is going to get out of him in the NFL. 

In Florida Today

http://tampa.cbslocal.com/2013/04/24/man-arrested-twice-in-two-days-for-driving-drunk/

We could just call this one a double dip. A guy gets piss drunk and rams into a police patrol car not once, but twice. When the cop approached his car he said that he was drunk and intended to kill himself. He also said he rammed the police car on purpose. When they checked his car they found a bottle of gin, a bottle of vodka and two beer cans. Then the fun started as he blew a .237 and .243 in the backseat of another cop car as he pissed all over the place. When the cops ran a check on him they found he was arrested two days earlier for guess what? Drunk driving. This guy sounds like a real winner if you ask me. Just perusing around shitfaced and ramming into cop cars. Sounds like a real class act to me.

Throwback Thursday Video: Leprechaun in Alabama

This is easily one of my favorite videos of all time. Just the fact that this was an actual news story still amazes me to this day. Besides the people and their classic lines in this video, the amateur sketch takes the cake.

Well Hello There...

I agree with the painting.

Sidenote: If you don't get it, take another look and think about it.

The West Coast Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Sausage Egg and Cheese on a Biscuit

Late Night Programming: Inside Man

Late Night Song: Next Episode by Snoop Dogg

Fun Fact: Certain frogs can me frozen solid, then thawed and survive...That'd be amazing.

Late Night Video:

The Late Night Special

Late Night Menu: Easy Mac

Late Night Programming: Revolution

Late Night Song: Still Dre by Doctor Dre

Fun Fact: A pregnant gold fish is called a twit...So that's what it means.

Late Night Video: