When A Date Is Going Shitty...

Everyone read my post a little while back about what to do on your first date. However, this one is going to be about what to do when a date is going down hill. We've all been there, when you go into it with such high hopes and it just turns into complete shit. Or even better, when you just know the night isn't going well right from the get go. Like the time I bit the bullet for a good friend of mine and went on a double date with him. When he slid into the booth to the second table, he took the table cloth from the first table with him. Right there was where we should have just went home.

Now, men and women have very different thoughts in their head when going on a date. We all know what those different thoughts are. The men are thinking, "Am I going to nail this chick tonight?" And the women are thinking, "Is this going to be my husband?" Ladies, shut up, you know you do that shit. Regardless, what does each person do when they realize that this date is a fucking abortion?

For women, it's usually a standard procedure. Most of them do this when they know that the date is shit. She'll always take out her cell phone to either A) check the time, or B) text their friend to tell them how shitty the date is going and ask for the quickest way to get out of the whole ordeal. Once she takes out her cell phone, it's like the universal sign that this is the last time you will be going out with this girl in a public setting ever again. Come on, when a girl is interested in a guy while they're on a date she never takes her cell phone out. We all know that. Final sign, before the waiter or waitress even comes out, she'll tell the guy that she doesn't want dessert. This means, "I really just want to get the fuck out of here." It's just procedure, it's nothing special.

Men are a little bit different, they could go one of two ways. The first one is once you realize that this date is as interesting as watching paint dry you can just order an onslaught of cocktails to get you hammered. This is you basically saying, "I would rather wake up in a dumpster with shit all over me and have no idea how I get there, than wake up next to your ass." Or you could use this other method. Guys, this is fucked up, I've used it before and it's fucked up.

You send a very discrete text message to one of your friends that says, "Call me in 4 minutes." Four minutes is perfect timing, because it's not 5 minutes, but it's not 45 seconds either. When they call you, you answer the phone with a calm hello, and then turn frantic. Something like, "What? What happened? You, you need me to come home? Is everything okay? Fuck, um, hold on, shit, I'm on a fucking date and, but fuck no I have to come." Something along those lines works every time. Just apologize semi sincere even though we know it's all bullshit, pay the bill, and leave like you have an emergency to attend to. It's fucked up, but you're never going to see this girl again, so why should you care? It's all about the story.