Mets Announce That One Lucky Fan Will Be Picked To Pitch The Ninth Inning Every Home Game For The Rest Of The Season

 

With their bullpen blowing yet another game last night against the first place Nationals and all but ending their season, the New York Mets management and staff have decided that they will randomly select one lucky fan to pitch the ninth inning at every home game for the rest of the season. GM Sandy Alderson and Manager Terry Collins came to a decision this morning after a long sleepless night of talking about how they could possibly make the bullpen better. 

"We figured we're at the point where we actually can't get any worse. I can't imagine a run of the mill fan from the stands doing any worse than these overpaid schlubs," said Collins. "Bobby Parnell is basically a poor man's Kyle Farnsworth and Frank Francisco is actually a homeless man's Armando Benitez. Basically, they both suck and we know it," finished Collins before taking a huge swig out of a bottle of Jack Daniels. 

"Since the guys coming out of the bullpen are actually as terrible as advertised, this could be a way to possibly find a Henry Rowengardner Rookie Of The Year type as well as boost ticket sales," added Alderson. He continued saying, "We know it's a long process, but a pin straight 72mph fastball from a guy wearing cargo shorts and holding a beer is way more entertaining than being at or watching the actual game." 

Both went on to say that they hope there can be at least one star in the making hiding somewhere in the confines of Citi Field. But they did note that it is very doubtful. Collins finished by saying, "I was driven to drink a ton when I was with the Angels. It's the same story here, except this time I just take car service home. But my god does this bullpen suck. They couldn't get Ray Charles out." 

Meanwhile the Wilpons had no idea what was going on as per usual of the worst owners in baseball. "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear what you were saying. That hookers legs were wrapped around my ears while she was sitting on my face," said Jeff. "If fans wanna throw an inning, why not? We might actually win a couple of games for once," he finished. But there is one thing that we definitely know about this season, and that's that it is definitely over  for these Metropolitans. "And now we'll do what we do every year at this time," said Jeff. "We'll get the clubs out and start checking out the tee times."