She's Hot But She's Not Too Hot

 

Have you ever heard the saying that a girl is hot, but she's not too hot? Does this even make sense? Obviously it makes sense it's not like we're speaking another fucking language over here; it makes perfect sense. She's not Kate Upton hot (not many females are) and she's way above average looking. Hot but not too hot will now be explained to you in full. 

When you go out you set the bar really high. Once the bar is set, usually you can only go down. It's not that you're not trying to get with the hottest girl in the place, but the odds of being shut down go up with the hotter the girl is that you're trying to talk to. It's like playing black jack, the more you bet the more chance you have of losing. 

Therefore, hot but not too hot is a girl who is hot but you actually do have a chance with her. Like she's not too hot for you or way out of your league. If you started talking to her and you played the game correctly, you would have a serious chance of banging this broad. She has a sexy and cute look about her that doesn't have fuck off written on her forehead. She has an open mind and is looking for a guy who could hold a conversation. You could potentially be that guy. 

Don't get me wrong here, it's not like banging her wouldn't be your crowning achievement because you and I both know that it would be. But the best part is that she isn't too hot and too much of a bitch for you. It's basically your girl with ugly duckling syndrome. She was ugly when she was younger and she suddenly got hot. After a a few months she realized she's actually good looking but she doesn't think she's that good looking. She's perfect for your run of the mill guy with male mediocrity in his pants. She's the chick who's hot, but she's not too hot. 

What's The Biggest Sport At The Olympics? SEX

Apparently Olympics athletes are scoring more than points in the games this year.  For the 2012 London Olympics, the committee ordered 100,000 condoms for the athletes.  A HUNDRED THOUSAND FREAKING RUBBERS.  Forget the games, how do I get tickets to the athlete village? I guess it shouldn't shock anyone that all those super fit, good looking, I-don't-know-how-to-say-anything-but-yes-in-your-language super humans are shacking it up after they compete.  For one thing, it's a great way to handle the stress and even more important, there's a good chance you won't see that person for another four years.  So which athletes are the most sexually active? Through no scientific or sound proof whatsoever I'm counting down who I think "goes for the gold" trojan wrapper the most:

5. Soccer- Not as big in America, but in every other country these guys/girls are basically royalty, pretty much the Tim Tebow of the country.  You all hate it because they're famous and athletic (and usually cry like a bitch when they fall down) but you'd still take a roll in the sack if you got the chance.

4.  Track and Field- This one might not be on the list if it wasn't for our story on Michelle Jenneke.  Just goes to show being fast doesn't necessarily mean it's not fun.  Who wouldn't want a little quickie right before a meet?

3.  Gymnastics- They bend, they flip, they contort their bodies in ways that make you wanna grab your own balls and say ouch.  Talk about performing under pressure, these people flip 5 feet in the air over 4 inches of wood among thousands of screaming fans (can I just point out golfers need complete silence to make a 2 inch putt? Pussies) Technically gymnastics could score the #2 or even #1 spot on the list, but I'm pretty sure they are also the angriest athletes in the Olympics.  I'd be afraid to have sex with anything that has a straight face after landing flat on their face after a triple back flip.

2. Women's Volleyball- Basically the symbol for sex in the Olympics.  Just go into a bar this week and look around, it's the one time you'll see guys watching a female sport instead of basketball.  Not to mention that unlike some other sports where you can't tell who's a boy and who's a girl because they are all so jacked, these women have the perfect bodies.  Tall, muscular, tan...it's like watching Victoria's Secret models play in the sand.  But once you get past the sand and into the water it's...

1. SWIMMING- You hang out all day practically naked, you're always wet, your events include breaststroke and backstroke, I could write puns all day about this.  Look at they way almost no one in this sport looks serious even right before a race.  You can just see these people are trying to swim faster so they can get out of the pool to go have sex.  There's a reason ESPN wrote an article on why swimmers are the most sexually active athletes.  That burst of endorphins, muscles of steel, and slicked down wet suite would get anyone ready for action.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my take on sex in the Olympics.  Of course some people were offended by all this talk about sex and condoms in the Olympics, but I have a theory on why it's necessary.  You have the fastest, strongest, most talented people in the planet all in once place this week.  They better be using those condoms, otherwise the rest of us would become extinct if they breed  a whole new generation of super humans.  Think about it.

Daddy Coming At You With His 2012 Top 10 Fantasy QB's

 

Well done Johnny Baseball, I'm actually impressed. Johnny Baseball has turned into the McRib of this blog. He comes back for a limited time only and then disappears for six months. Either way, here are my top 10 fantasy football QB's for the upcoming 2012 season. And if you think this is the same exact list as Johnny's then you definitely don't read this blog too often. I have one surprise in there for you that most will be shocked about. Here we go...

10) Philip Rivers: Everyone talks about Rivers like he is an elite top five QB in this league. He's not mainly because he hasn't won anything. In terms of fantasy though, he's okay. He comes in at number ten because let's be serious, he doesn't have the weapons he used to have. Yeah he still has Gates and Ryan Matthews is okay, but he doesn't have anything special running routes for him. I'm not high on Rivers but he's still gonna give you 4,000 yards and 25 TD's.

9) Matt Ryan: Again, not huge on Matty Ice but this dude is surrounded with playmakers. Roddy White, Julio Jones, Tony Gonzalez and even Harry Douglas isn't too shabby in the slot. The only thing to look out for is that Atlanta likes to run the ball a lot. With Michael Turner back there you can understand why, but there needs to be more balance. Ryan's not a bad mid round pick, but he's nothing spectacular.

8) Michael Vick: Speaking of weapons, the Eagles have those. The problem here lies with Vick actually staying on the field. One full season in his NFL career should tell you something. He could be making big time plays and putting up big time numbers for you. But he could also be having you wishing him deathly ill once he gets hurt. It's your pick but proceed with caution on him.

7) Tony Romo: Even though I hate this dude I will say that he will put up consistent numbers on a weekly basis. Sure, he'll throw his picks but he has a stud tight end, two stud receivers and a guy named Demarco Murray taking the pressure off him. If the offensive line can protect him and keep him on his feet, he's definitely a solid fantasy QB.

6) Eli Manning: Am I biased because I'm a Giants fan? Maybe a little bit, but you know what you're gonna get from him. He's gonna throw for over 4,000 yards and he's gonna throw 30 touchdowns. The Giants are gonna run the ball and open up big plays for Nicks and Cruz off the play action. He's a model of consistency and he stays on the field.

5) Cam Newton: Surprise, surprise mother fuckers! Cam Newton is number 5 on this list for many reasons. One thing I don't wanna hear about is a sophomore slump for him. Let's begin, he threw for more yards and touchdowns than any rookie quarterback ever. That's 4,051 yards and 21 TD's to be exact. Yes, I realize he threw 17 INT's but he was a rookie, what do you expect? Also, he's going to run the ball and get you some rushing TD's. I don't expect him to score 10 rushing TD's again, but I'm going to say he's running in between 5 and 8. Also, whatever the "IT" factor is this kid has it. The way he approaches the game and the way he carries himself is something you have to love. I don't care what anyone says about him, he's going to be a star in this league for years to come. The ceiling for him is unlimited and when you draft him you're gonna be happy you listened to me.

4) Matthew Stafford: Last year he proved that his shoulder is made out of something other than vagina and he threw for over 5,000 yards and 41 TD's. Plus he has an absolute MANIMAL playing wide receiver for him and they throw the ball more than any team in the league. I do expect the numbers to come down just a little, but he'll still have a great year if he can remain on the field again. I really like Stafford this year.

3) Drew Brees: I'm really not worried about Sean Payton not being there. If you think he's not sitting somewhere pullings strings then you're out of your mind. If the hot dog vendor came out of the stands and ran a route Brees would throw it to him. He's still gonna be slinging the ball to everyone all over the field and he's gonna throw for a lot of yards and a lot of TD's. Plus he's playing with a massive chip on his shoulder because of this whole bounty gate thing.

2) Tom Brady: Shocking that Tom Brady is this high on this list right? Yeah, he's going to be throwing the football all over the field and add to it that New England has the easiest schedule in the NFL. I still have no idea how that happens but Brady is going to be hitting Lloyd, Welker, Gronk, Hernandez and everyone else on the field for TD's all year long. It's going to be a nightmare for defenses to face him.

1) Aaron Rodgers: Another shocker here. I literally watched Aaron Rodgers carry teams to fantasy football championships last year. He was good for at least 30 points every week and he doesn't turn the ball over. Plus he'll get you some points with his legs as well. I haven't seen a dude like this in my lifetime, if he's not the number one pick in most drafts I would be in total shock.

Stay Away From: Ben Roethlisberger, Matt Schaub

Be Careful With: Peyton Manning, Joe Flacco, RG III (or Bob Griffin)

Sleepers: Jay Cutler, Carson Palmer

The Return Of Johnny Baseball

It's been a long awaited 5 months, but the return of Johnny Baseball has finally come in the form of yet again another Top Ten List. This week we go over my Top Ten NFL Fantasy QB's, and no Tim Teblow won't be on the list, sorry Jet fans....and virgins. So let's get rockin' starting from...

10. Matt Ryan -  Matt to me never appeals to any fantasy owner, but this year things will change.  Matt now has an elite duo at wide reciever with Roddy White and Julio Jones.  He still has the run game he always had and Jacquizz Rodgers is a small but elusive back who can make plays out of the back field.  They also have Tony Gonzalez coming back and he is just a straight beast.  Look for Matt top last season, as he had a career high in pasing yards.

9. Peyton Manning - I'm putting Peyton up here at 9 because he didn't play last year and also because of a new selection of weapons.  Decker, Thomas, Caldwell, and Stokley aren't what I would call elite, but hey it's Peyton Manning for crying out loud.  They also brought over Jacob Tamme and Joel Dreessen and combined with that running game of Willis and Knowshon there are a lot of weapons to play with in Denver. The few questions are will Peyton hold up? And how will all of these players mesh together?

8. Eli Manning - Being recognized for his post season play is one thing, but his fantasy play over the years has been above average at best. He eclipsed his high for passing yards in a season last year but only threw for 29 touchdowns. In this stage of the game the way the NFL is 29 cannot be considered Elite, but it is still solid when you combine it with about 4900 yards. Eli still makes some throws and plays that have you scratching your head but overall he is a good fantasy quaterback to draft.

7. Michael Vick - When he is on the field he is arguably one of the biggest threats in the NFL, the problem is the guy gets hurt every year.  He has weapons galore in what I would consider a college offense in Philly, but still if he can stay on the field he puts up numbers and that's what fantasy is about.  If you are going to draft Vick, make sure you have a good back up, please, for me, so I don't have to see facebook and twitter posts about it.

6. Tony Romo - Another guy who you really don't think much into because of his post season play, but every year Tony puts up a bunch of touchdowns and yards.  The Cowboys are loaded with weapons all around and coming into the year heatlhy. Dez Bryant is done beating his mother, and also Demarco Murray is coming back.  Piece that together with Witten and Miles Austin and some dude with dreads and you have yourself a solid fantasy selection at the helm.

5. Philip Rivers - Really going on a gut feeling with this one, but Rivers had such a bad year last year that I'm thinking he comes back strong.  They have added some weapons, nothing crazy, but I think Philip is going to have a monster year.  People will forget about him, but before last year he was a perenial top 5 fantasy qauterback, and I think this year he cracks back into the top.  Call me crazy, but we needed some surprises on this list.

4. Drew Brees - A change in coaching puts him at 4 instead of  2 or 3.  The guy is phenomenal.  There's not much else to say.  Another year of an older and wiser Jimmy Graham will do Brees some good. You would think Brees wouldn't have anything left to prove after last year, but I think he has another monster year to shove it in Goodell's ass. Enough said.

3. Matthew Stafford - Another guy when on the field puts up numbers.  The only thing that can hold this guy back is the Madden Curse for Calvin Johnson, and also from a realistic stand-point, a lack of running game support and the injury bug.  He played the full 16 last year for the first time and threw for the quietest 5,000 yards and 41 touchdowns ever. Plus the Lions throw the ball more than any team in the NFL, so thats always a plus when drafting a quaterback, you know the guy who throws the ball.

2. Tom Brady - Adding more and more weapons for Tom Brady just makes it unfair. They add Brandon Lloyd who makes insane catches. Welker is a catching machine (except when the game is on the line in the Superbowl, but that doesn't count in fantasy) and Gronk is the beast of all beasts.  I think he puts up even bigger numbers because they got rid of Boney Maroney so he won't vulture touchdowns away from Tom.  Guy threw for 5,200 last year, unreal.

1. Aaron Rodgers  - The reigning MVP.  The only reason I'm putting Aaron Rodgers over Tom Brady right now is because of his ability to scramble. Although they had the same amount of touchdowns rushing wise in 2011 Rodgers has had more yards rushing over the past few seasons and consistantly besides Vick is a rushing threat from the QB position.  Another player who is just unbelievable.  Weapons galore at WR and TE, and no run game.  Hopefully he throws the ball 500 times this year.

Just when you thought the article was over here are some other fantasy quaterback items :

Sleeper Alert : Christian Ponder, Alex Smith, and Matt Cassel

Sophmore Slumps? Andy Dalton and Cam Newton

Busts : Matt Schaub, Jay Cutler, Robert Griffin III, and Big Ben.

It's great to be back. Enjoy!

Asshole Of The Day Award

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/31/timothy-spiker-maryland-threw-cat-punched-woman-lack-of-internet_n_1725719.html?utm_hp_ref=dumb-criminals

Lack of internet connection? This guy just basically wrote out the newest infomercial for that. He got all pissed off, threw a cat out of a second story window and then punched a woman in the face. Sounds like all that should improve the connection. What a fucking idiot. It's only the internet bro, it's really not that big of a deal. I would blame the internet on being the cause of this guy doing this but you really can't blame anyone or anything but this moron. Who does that? You're like a mix of Chris Brown and Michael Vick with your woman beating and animal cruelty. Here's your t-shirt asshole, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

Are These The Two Dumbest Mother Fuckers On The Planet?

 

When does throwing a grenade anywhere in the same vicinity as you, your friend, and in this case your boat ever sound like a good idea? It should never actually sound like a good idea. This guy drops this shit and it explodes right in his friends face as one gets up perfectly fine and the other one just lays there like a spineless jellyfish. I think we have just witnessed the end of a beautiful friendship. At least that would be it for me, blowing up my face would pretty much do it for me. 

Walmart Shopper Wednesday's

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