Thursday: Things I Wish I Could Tell My Girlfriend

This Week:

43) Thank god you swallowed at will so I didn't have to hold your head down

Previous Weeks:

1) You should've seen this chick I banged last night

2) Bet your ass that when we break up I'm gonna try and bang all your hot friends

3) I slept with your best friend

4) You look fat in those jeans

5) I've had better

6) All your guy friends are trying to nail you

7) You've gained a few pounds 

8) I can't believe you let me go raw right away

9) Your sister is hotter than you 

10) Let's have a threesome with your Mom because she didn't mind having sex with me yesterday

11) I totally forgot to pull out last night

12) The number of girls I've had sex with is about three times more than you think it is

13) You're not that hot

14) Your best friend is the biggest bitch I know 

15) He calls you because he wants to bang you

16) I would go to jail to bang your brother's 16 year old girlfriend

17) You shouldn't be wearing that slutty outfit when I'm not around

18) I'm a great wing man

19) You give sub par head

20) How come I never actually get anything out of Valentine's Day?

21) Who wouldn't want to have sex with me?

22) Your performance in bed last night was not the usual

23) I can read you like a book

24) I get a hall pass this weekend right?

25) My dick is like a ten foot strand of fly tape, whenever I walk into a room vaginas just stick to it

26) There's a good chance of me being able to have sex with someone other than you this weekend

27) Is there a threesome with your hot friend in the foreseeable future?

28) What's your thoughts on the rusty trombone?

29) Your bitch friend is just mad because we have awesome sex and she hasn't been laid in years

30) I'm slipping it in your butt without asking one of these days

31) Your DUFF has to go, she's scaring my friends away

32) I don't actually cum half the time

33) At least give me a warning before you decide to tickle my butthole

34) Is a few minutes of 69 so much to ask for?

35) BJ's need to become a more vital part of the relationship

36) Don't be surprised when you get the shocker next time we're together

37) My goal is to make sure you can't walk normal tomorrow

38) If you wanna please me you'll go with the sun dress, if you wanna please the other vultures walking around with their tongues out staring at you, you'll go with the slutty short shorts. 

39) Yes, that outfit does make you look like a slut.

40) There needs to be a Blumpkin in the cards somewhere in the near future for me.

41) I have no sympathy for your friend who just got dumped because she's a slut.

42) I eat a mean box, just ask your sister

The Late Night Special

 

Late Night Menu: Ground Beef Tacos

Late Night Programming: The Dark Knight

Late Night Song: What Time Is It by Spin Doctors

Fun Fact: Sheep outnumber humans in New Zealand 15 to 1...That's a lot of fucking sheep.

Late Night Video:

Fantasy Football Time Bitches!

What's good bitches? You know what time it is? It's time for some fantasy football. I will be updating my league on here weekly giving you scores, updates, who sucks, who's whole team is on injured reserve and who banged a fat chick the previous weekend. Standings will be updated weekly on the site and all that good stuff as we get interactive. Also, I am here because we currently have one remaining spot left in our league. We do a live draft on Staten Island and it will be held on September 2nd at 1pm. It's a 12 team league that's competetive with a $100 buy in. I don't have prize details yet but email me where I will then give you the number of the league commisioner who has all the details. Live draft, food, an awesome time and updated standings. And also, phenomenal team names that include:

Chocolate Dippers
KateUptonsToiletSeat
GospelAccordin2Tebow
Cincinatti Bowties 

And much more to follow. Email me, message me, or tweet me for information for the final spot.

Email: hammer@talkofthetown.me
Twitter: @thtalkofthetown

Betz Of The Day

Today's Games

MLB:

Padres vs Giants

Twins vs White Sox

Royals vs Angels (under 8)

There Is An Ongoing Turf War On The Streets Of New York City Going On Between...Wait For It...Ice Cream Trucks?

http://www.theatlanticwire.com/national/2012/07/new-yorks-ice-cream-truck-turf-wars-get-ugly/54991/

Just when you thought you've heard it all, you hear about an ongoing turf war between ice cream trucks leaving a trail of sabotaged trucks, bloody noses and death threats. Really? Is this real? It's just fucking ice cream bro fucking relax. These drivers are out of their minds. This is like a Bronx Tale. Show up on someone elses corner and get your tires slashed, your face kicked in or get your truck fucked with. This reminds me of Stewie fighting his evil twin brother in the playground in Family Guy. Basically it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. You're in a turf war over your ice cream truck. I think you might need to step back and take a look in the mirror. You have some mental issues. Those little kids selling ice pops on the corner better look the fuck out because the ice cream mafia is coming for you.

I'm Pretty Sure Ralph Kiner Died And Nobody Told Him

I'm watching this Met game right now and I'm sitting here ready to rip my eyes out as I watch Strasburg make the Mets look like a tee ball team and I hear Ralph Kiner in the booth with the announcers. Has anyone heard him speak lately? He sounds like he's fucking shitfaced from taking a bottle of vodka to the face right before he went on the air. Slurring his words, saying things that make no sense, he's talking about shit no one's ever heard of, it's a total fucking disaster. Can we get him off the air please? I mean he shouldn't leave his bed at this point in his life. He looks like a zombie and talks like he's drunk. How much more of a joke can we possibly look like. Losing 11 of 12 and having a piss drunk 80 year old announcer in the booth. The epitome of Mets baseball.

$40 To Go To The Movies, What A Jackass...

 

Have you ever gone to the movies and you watch that girl who walks into the theatre with nothing but her stupid bag and then right behind her is her guy carrying a giant tub of popcorn and two sodas? This guy just spent $40 to go to the movies and be bitched around by some random broad he barely knows; what a fucking jackass.

When you take a girl to the movies it's really for like two reasons. One is because it's a last resort because you've done everything else and you're out of ideas. Second is because you just don't wanna talk to them. And then if you add the $40 at the movies with whatever dinner costs you've spent over $100 in about a two and a half hour span.

And then you add to your own misery of your empty pockets by letting this girl bitch you around. You're walking in like a dad does when he brings his two little kids to the movies and they can't hold their own soda because it's bigger than their fucking body. And you look like a bigger asshole because you're doing it for some bitch who you probably won't see again after the movie ends.

The movies are a terrible idea for a first date. You don't get to talk to them, you try awkwardly to put your arm around them and then by the end of the night she just thinks you're a weirdo because you tried the arm thing and she didn't catch on. So next time you're thinking about spending that $40 to go to the movies, just tell yourself that you're a jackass and you should really reevaluate the date you think you're about to be on. Or just stick your dick in the pop corn and wait until she gets to the bottom. That should go over smoothly.