Tuesday, January 24, 2012

He's The Only One Who Thinks He's A Tough Guy...

 
We all know that guy who thinks he's the toughest, most badass mother fucker on the face of the earth. He walks around with that tough guy stare like he thinks he's about to walk into a UFC fight and he wears gloves, headbands and all types of accessories to the gym. When he goes out, he self proclaims himself as the guy you don't want to fuck with. Little does he know, he's the only person who actually thinks he's a badass. 

His friends aren't even like really friends with him but they just hang out with him for the laughs. And when I say they hang out for the laughs I mean they're laughing at him not with him. Laughs like how big he is, how strong he is, how tough he is, and how many girls he bangs. The only problem is that you only hear things like this out of his own mouth and you know that if any shit ever really went down he would be running away like a six year old school girl who thinks there's a monster under her bed. 

There's a good chance he probably thinks he's got "street cred". You know he's definitely brainwashed himself into thinking that he's from the hood and he murders people. Meanwhile he grew up in a rich, gated community and he's never seen a gun or any other weapon for that matter, in his entire life. The jokes just keep on coming at this asshole. 

At the end of the day, you and everyone who knows this jackass knows how dumb he is and knows that he is the only one who thinks he's a tough guy. He's the guido version of Jaime Kennedy in Malibu's Most Wanted. Next thing you know, he starts with the wrong guy, gets his ass beat and you all stand there laughing at him. And no, his lesson has not been learned. He will still be the biggest asshole on the face of the earth when you see him the next day. Learning experiences do not apply to this guy. He's a tough guy, remember? 

Asshole Of The Day Award

 

So how much drugs and alcohol do you have to be on to call 911 at four in the morning and ask them to send cops to your house so you could fight them? I mean naturally 911 obliged to this and this guy shoved the police officers when they got there, they beat the shit out of him and then arrested him and threw him in jail. See the great thing about this is that once you touch a police officer, he can kick the living shit out of you since you hit him first. An absolutely horrendous thought and a terrible move by you guy. Also, if you're gonna challenge someone to a fight you better make sure you win. Now you just look like the biggest bitch on the face of the earth. Speaking of bitch, wait until you go to jail. There's the perfect place for you to become someone's bitch. Here's your t-shirt oh dangerous one. Better bring the liquid soap with you to the showers. 

Guy On Balance Beam, With Predictable Results...

 
Wow, this guy just ruined his chances of ever having children with this one. First of all, you don't exactly have the physique of a gymnast. Second of all, how did you think at any point in time that this was going to be a good idea? And finally, I have no sympathy for you and your ball sack considering that display of athleticism was worse than an obese guy trying to walk up a flight of stairs. Anything that involves trying to walk on a giant ball while on a balance beam just isn't a good idea, even if you have a vagina. I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul. 

Tuesday: Things I Wish I Could Tell My Girlfriend

 
This Week:
17) You shouldn't be wearing that slutty outfit when I'm not around

Previous Weeks:
1) You should've seen this chick I banged last night
2) Bet your ass that when we break up I'm gonna try and bang all your hot friends
3) I slept with your best friend
4) You look fat in those jeans
5) I've had better
6) All your guy friends are trying to nail you
7) You've gained a few pounds 
8) I can't believe you let me go raw right away
9) Your sister is hotter than you 
10) Let's have a threesome with your Mom because she didn't mind having sex with me yesterday
11) I totally forgot to pull out last night
12) The number of girls I've had sex with is about three times more than you think it is
13) You're not that hot
14) Your best friend is the biggest bitch I know 
15) He calls you because he wants to bang you
16) I would go to jail to bang your brother's 16 year old girlfriend

Monday, January 23, 2012

The Late Night Special

 
Late Night Menu: Bacon and Cream Cheese on a Cinnamon Raisin Bagel

Late Night Movie: Too Big Too Fail

Late Night Song: Lonely Boy by The Black Keys

Fun Fact: In Ancient Greece the common slang for a blow job was "playing the flute"...In that case, I love getting my flute played.

Late Night Video:

                                          

News No One Cares About...

Jay Cutler is engaged and having a kid...Maybe his kid will stay healthy
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/22/kristin-cavallari-pregnant-jay-cutler_n_1222497.html

FYI the Ravens aren't chokers...So what are they?
http://www.baltimoresun.com/sports/ravens/bs-sp-preston-column-0123-20120122,0,4224133.column

14 shitty albums that went platinum...Yes, Mambo Number 5 and Who Let The Dogs Out are on this list
http://www.avclub.com/articles/maybe-1-million-lou-bega-fans-can-be-wrong-14-albu,67996/

Simon Cowell breaks up with his fiance...I guess she will not be making it to the next round
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/46095115/ns/today-entertainment/#.Tx3FHhzDn5k

Why You Don't Mess With Bouncers...

 
There is a very simple rule I have whenever I go out that people do not have any intention on actually following. My main rule when I go out is that nobody fucks with the bouncer. Bouncer's are extremely large men who's only job is to kick your ass the fuck out especially if you mouth off. But the problem is that people don't understand that. 

For instance, the other night I watched a five on two and the two bouncers ate these guys for breakfast, lunch and dinner. First of all, do not call a bouncer an asshole because then you get choked up against the wall. That is rule number one in my book. Next, don't let your friend try to go after a bouncer from behind, because the other bouncer will fuck your day up. I witnessed this the other night and the bouncer made the kid look like a rat that's just gotten strangled by a boa constrictor. He was so quick to walk up and head lock this kid that I thought the kid's neck actually snapped.

And then the other three asshole guys who tried to get in on the action. One of the bouncers actually punched through the first kid, and hit the dude's buddy standing right behind him and knocked them both out with one punch. I mean his fists were like a mack truck going 80 mph down a hill. Just destroying everything in their path. Then one other asshole tried to get in on the action and he just got straight up cold clocked by the bouncer who I thought had snapped the kids neck with his headlock. 

People just don't get it. Fucking with the bouncers at a bar or a club is the worst idea you could possibly have. If your tough guy friend wants to fuck with the bouncer, let him be. Just don't get involved because I can promise that you'll be eating a haymaker to the jaw and not be conscious enough to talk about it.