First, I walk in and ride the stationary bike to warm up for five minutes. Although you would think nothing exciting could possibly happen within those five minutes, usually I get to hear the lovely background sound of two jacked up juice monkeys talking about their workout for the day. They then talk about their diets which consist of, "Grilled chicken, tuna, lean steak, and patron bro because I just gotta drink patron. And on an off night I drink goose." Are you following me?
I then enter the Thunder Dome and the Derek Jeter of facebook all star guido juice heads is there. His hair actually looks like it's been ironed down and he is wearing a tank top that just so happens to be neon yellow and is basically painted on. This is followed by white board shorts, white knee high socks and matching neon yellow air maxes. Because everybody at the gym matches their shoes with their shirts right? When I pull up and see a white mercedes parked like a jerkoff I always know he's inside. Why? Because he's the type of jerkoff who would take up three sports with his white mercedes.
After I listen to him talk about how he doesn't own t-shirts and that he strictly owns tank tops and ginnie tee's, I move on to trying to train. I don't work out, I train. I always start doing something at the squat rack where someone will either be curling or doing forearm workouts causing me to wait for at least ten minutes. If you're having a bad day, watch a guy on steroids with tattoos all over his body grunt while he's doing forearm curls. That'll put a smile on your face any day. And after he does his forearm curls he wraps his sweatshirt around his head to do push ups and talk shit to himself in the mirror, yes that actually happens and it's not an exaggeration.
Moving on, as I attempt to do some pull ups there will be a guido in a hoodie doing some type of leg curls and grunting as he does the whole rack for exactly three reps. However, what makes him so great is that he will walk over to the mirror in between sets, pull up the back of his shorts, and flex while he checks out his hamstring muscles in the mirror. After I have another good laugh, I move on.
Finally, I go finish up my workout near the dumbbells. This is where I get workout tips that you can't get anywhere else such as, "Bro, if you're not doing 6 to 10 reps, you ain't doing nothing. More is no good you can't get big." Well thank you Arnold Schwarzenegger, I had no idea you were the expert. I then get to hear them tell each other things like, "When you do a seated row, you gotta lay all the way back so you get that stretch in there you know, otherwise you ain't doing nothing." Gym tips to live by, I love it.
In conclusion, none of this has been fabricated in any way. This is what I see every time I go to the gym. Amazingly, this is at 12 in the afternoon, you would think people who aren't bloggers dominating the internet would be working. But they're all actually collecting unemployment until, "That city test comes through." It's an amazing place and I hope one day all of you get to experience it. But just in case you don't, I'll be here to tell you about it. It's time to start bringing a camera with me.
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