The Shit Heard Round the World

I feel like this needs to be blogged about. I literally took the shit heard round the world yesterday and it was so epic that I decided a blog needed to be written. It didn't start in the bathroom though, it started an hour beforehand in a place known as Starbucks.

I let a fart go in Starbucks that was so bad my girlfriend had to walk away from me. I crop dusted a group of people and before I knew it people were coughing and moving away like it was tear gas. No one knew where it came from. It was a silent assassin that ripped the oxygen out of the room in the blink of an eye.

That was the precursor to the dump that I let go in my bathroom. It was a mix of going out drinking the night before with the mix of shit that I had eaten, which is never a good combination. I was on the toilet for a solid half hour pretty much shitting soup. And then after the wipe and the flush, it happened. The water rose to the top.

I tried plunging and it wouldn't go down, I got my father to come down and start plunging and it wouldn't go down. My father was trying to tell me that I had thrown something down the toilet that had to have clogged everything. But I haven't thrown anything down that toilet other than my shit and toilet paper. We gave up, left the plunger in the shit soup of the toilet bowl and texted the fucking plumber. But that was only the beginning.

We went upstairs for about five minutes and then for some reason we went back down just to see if we could get it to go back down. And that's when it happened. The ENTIRE sewer line was backed up. Water had come up from the shower drain and covered the entire bathroom with water. We quickly had to get the sump pump into the bathroom and start pumping all the water outside. We pumped water out for at least three hours. It was a nightmare. Was it my massive dump that did this to the sewer line? Or was it just a coincidence? We'll never know, but what we do know was that for the time being it was the shit heard round the world.