Girls: You're Not Too Drunk

Girls, this post is dedicated to all of you who claim to be “too drunk” when you make a stupid decision at some point during your day or night. This is dedicated to a girl I happened to meet at the University of Wisconsin this weekend. Although she will probably never read this, she defined every girl who makes a stupid decision throughout her night and follows it up with a “I’m too drunk” comment.

This happened during the day. I was trying to get tickets to the game so I was asking basically every person I saw. We then see this girl walking down the hill completely fine, not stumbling, just walking like a normal person would. So we ask her if she has an extra ticket to the game. She responds with, “Oh my god, I did, but I gave it away because I’m just way too drunk right now.”

First of all, you’re not stumbling down the hill. You are clearly not too drunk if you’re not even stumbling yet. The term “too drunk” implies that stumbling is involved. Next, you are speaking clearly. If you’re not slurring your words, then you are also not “too drunk”.  When someone is really shitfaced, they’re slurring and you can normally only understand every other word out of their mouth.

Finally, this is how you know a girl is not “too drunk”. When girls get too drunk two things happen. They are always puking, and they’re always crying. It happens every time. Your friend is holding your hair back as you spew your guts all over the place and follow it up with a good cry. That’s just how it is and you know it’s true. Therefore, next time you girls think of using the term that you’re too drunk, just remember these criteria. If you can put together a sentence where you actually say, “I’m too drunk,” than you’re probably fine.