How To Teach Your Kids About Sex

Now I am in no way, shape or form an authority on parenting.  I always say that when I inevitably get knocked up I feel bad for whatever demon spawn I produce. Mostly because I am sure God will curse me with a daughter who will be exactly like me, and I apologize to my mom on weekly basis for being such a crazy bitch when I was younger.  My parents were truly angels for dealing with me sometimes.  Yet while I believe my mom and dad are the best parents on earth, there is one slight change I would make to their life lessons growing up: the sex talk.

Now when I was a young and dumb, my parents were pretty lax about rules.  My sister and I were given a lot of freedom, just as long as we got good grades and never lied to them.  They didn't exactly condone us drinking, but they knew it was gonna happen and just told us to call them for a ride before we did something stupid.  At the time I didn't think this was a big deal, until I got to college and realized my parents were fucking geniuses.  For all the kids that never got to experience that freedom in high school, it meant college was the time of their fucking lives. When I saw how much fun everyone was having being free for the first time my immediate thought was "Holy shit, my parents took all the excitement out of doing something illegally...they stole all my fucking fun!" And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why they were brilliant.  By taking away the appeal of doing something forbidden, they effectively made me not want to do it anymore.

Now you may be wondering what this has to do with sex.  So while my parents let us watch R rated slasher films and picked us up at 2am from a party, they had a strict no sex policy when it came to things.  I was the only high school senior that wasn't allowed to watch American Pie.  That SUCKED. So what happened? I became a sex therapist.  Yup, that totally backfired on them.  The one thing I wasn't allowed to do made me totally obsessed with it.  So when I have a kid, I am naturally going to take away all the fun of having sex.  I'm going to speak openly and honestly about it, and will most likely leave the sex toys I use in my practice all over the house.  My kids are going to grow up like Ben Stiller in Meet The Fockers.  In fact, there was a study done where parents in Switzerland let their teenagers have sex in the house. And guess what? They have some of the lowest teenage pregnancy rates around.  Why? Because the only fun part of high school sex is the fact that you might get caught doing it.  If you're allowed to have sex...well then it's just all awkwardness and bad kissing. So that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should just scare the shit out of your kids by talking all about sex.