You Can't Be Andre The Giant And Dance On The Bar

On Saturday night while I was out I probably saw the all around worst looking group of birthday girls ever assembled into one. Like literally the creatures wearing birthday tiaras thinking they were hot and special were unlike anything I've ever seen before. I mean usually there's at least a couple of girls who are bearable to look at but nope, not this time. It was like they all got hit with gas that just fucked all of them up.

Therefore, as you could imagine they all weren't exactly what you would call "easy on the eyes". But I will give them credit, that didn't stop them from attempting to have a good time next to the awkward dudes who were dressed up in ghostbusters outfits. Don't ask me why, I just stared in awe wondering if these guys had been laid anytime since 1984.

Now as the night went on the DJ invited all the birthday girls to dance on the bar. And that's when I saw her. Andre the Giant in girl form was live and on the bar. And oh my god was this not a pretty sight. I was in awe of what I was watching. Besides the fact that she had to slouch because she couldn't fit between the bar and the ceiling, she was also the furthest thing from sexy. Not one attribute about her could actually be described as sexy. Plus when you're dancing all off beat like a deaf person it makes you look even worse. Criteria for dancing on the bar should be as follows: Hot, sexy, knows how to dance and then an optional blow job for the male bartender. If you don't have any of the first three, don't get up there.

Here's what I'm saying girls. You know which of your friends are actually good looking enough to get on the bar and would want to be seen by other guys up there. You know deep down who should be on that bar. And you also know deep down who shouldn't be up on that bar. Basically, if your friend looks like Andre the Giant, please keep her off the bar. That's not a shot at tall girls either. That's a shot at tall, jacked, masculine and not good looking girls. Tall and sexy should be up there all day. Tall and looking like a professional wrestler should not. So from the bottom of my heart I ask you girls with friends like this to please stop it. Don't let them do it. Not only for themselves, but also for people like me who have to watch.