Things Girls Want More Than A Boyfriend

So in my experience most guys think they are god’s gift to women and that we spend most of our time plotting how to lasso one of you fine gentlemen.  Well I’m here to say there’s a whole list of things girl would rather have than a boyfriend: 

10. Paid days off for that time of the month- Yea I know we all bitch about it, but if you just paid us to stay home on those days, we would be happy.  See everybody wins. 

9. A car that parallel parks itself- I think women are just as good at if not better than men in everything except for one thing: driving.  There aren’t many things more embarrassing than being “that chick” trying to parallel park with enough space to fit an 18-wheeler but still managing to hit both cars.

8. You’re “Frienemy” to get ugly- We all have that one chick in the group we really can’t stand, and secretly wish they would wake up with some form of leprosy.  Usually because this girl goes on about how good looking she is and will throw you under the bus the first chance she gets.

7. You ex to be alone forever- In the same vein, girls all have that one ex they are still fucking pissed off at. So if you give a girl the option of both of you going on to be happy with someone else or your ex jerking off by himself for the rest of his life well, she might not choose that latter but I guarantee you she’d think about it.  Hell hath no fury.

6.Best friend to be your girlfriend- At some point in their life, every girl has said they’re going to swear off dick and be a lesbian.  Don’t think so? Walk into any club bathroom and inevitably you’ll find two drunks girls telling each other they’re too good for men and taking duck face pictures together.

5. Collapsible heels- If you see a girl walking home from the bar and give her the option of having Brad Pitt or comfy shoes, trust me she will choose the shoes.  How no one has invented heels that turn into flats at the end of the night is beyond me.

4. Jeans that fit your butt, hips, AND legs all at the same time – Take History of the Traveling Pants.  Why were they able to make a million dollar movie based off magical pants that make every girl look great? Because jeans that fit are more fucking rare than unicorns.

3. Sound proof bathrooms- I’m probably breaking girl code by writing this, but yes we do poop and it’s awkward as fuck when you’re at a dude’s house and have to take a shit.  You know they’re gonna hear it, and turning on the shower is a dead give-away.    

2. Male birth control- Yea, yea condoms I know. No I’m talking about guys having to remember to take a little pill everyday that makes you fat and throw up sometimes, possible side affect would be swollen balls.  If guys had this we wouldn’t have to worry about the whole “relationship” issue as much.  If I can live to see the day when I’m doing a guy and can say “uh you’re on birth control so we’re cool right?” I will die a happy woman. 

1.  Guys think girls want the perfect boyfriend? Fuck that, the one thing girls want more than anything else is to eat whatever we want without getting fat.  To just be able to absolutely house the entire McDonalds dollar menu and not have to go to the gym for 3 hours after.