Things Facebook Creeps Do

Our girl Al is back again with the second edition of "Things Facebook Creeps Do"...

Last week was about people that you don’t know. This week is about people you are ashamed to say you know. The ones where you get the message and don’t even have a response because the person tries to be creative, but in actuality just made zero sense. Then you’re in that awkward position because you feel like you have to be equally creative but are just at an absolute loss for words. Luckily that usually doesn’t happen to me though because there’s nothing I find more attractive quite like the sound of illiteracy:

Steve (last name removed): “hey you, whats going on pwitty girl? Pwease don’t think of me as a creep cause im the furthest thing from it lol, im (name removed)’s boy and saw u on fb. Just wanted to see whats up”

Me: “Ohh herrrooo. That’s actrury rearry rerry hirrarious because you might think Im asian because I get my R’s and L’s mixed up but im rearry not. Im also rery interrigent, just rike you!”

PWITTY? ….. PWITTY? …. You might be the furthest thing from a “cWeep” but you’re the closest thing to a RETARD. No really please keep talking. I spent over $100,000 on an education so I can see what’s up with a schmuck who cant even spell at a 1^st grade reading level – NEXTTTT

Ok, maybe it’s my fault. If I’m looking for a guy with some brains perhaps ill have to look a little further than Staten Island. Someplace warm, a place where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. No not Aspen, I’m talking Hollywood. Just kidding, I’m really talking about Port Richmond Ave, where this inbred, Z-list celebrity was conceived over some pizza sauce and a chicken roll.  Now I’ll give him the common courtesy of removing his last name but chances are you’ll probably catch on to who this pepperoni piper is:

Filippo: hey u 

Why do you look so familiar?

Now take notice to the fact that I usually don’t answer people like this because I refuse to give them the satisfaction but then he sent the dreaded question mark.

                Me: I don’t know where would I know you from?

                Filippo: yea im sure I wouldv remembered u n the same goes for u..

Did this sauzeech smoking loser really just try to indirectly compliment himself? I was actually hoping he’d respond with something pertaining to his highly rated, tremendously viewed TV show Jerseylicious, but I guess he was trying to be humble. However, I can’t hold back my gratitude that such a talented actor is facebook chatting me that I had to go ahead and let him know where I knew him from;  

                Me: oh that’s right I came into the Gatsby last weekend to get my chest hair waxed, you were the one sweeping the floors right?

                Filippo: HAAAAAA

Good comeback Fillipo! You’re right though, how can I forget a schnoz like that, as you shamefully take pictures of yourself in a stuffed speedo, while your dad stands over you dippin’ his Sicilian rice balls into your mouth?

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PEOPLE, IF YOU CAN"T ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.